GENERAL DISCUSSIONS

I Need the Ugly Truth-Please Help Me

POSTED BY: RIVER6213
UPDATED: Tuesday, March 14, 2006 15:03
SHORT URL:
VIEWED: 8108
PAGE 2 of 2

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:04 PM

MINIME


I don't have anything very profound to say, but I wanted to vote with the 'it's a good idea to talk to a therapist' people.

I'm glad that you're recognising the possibility of love (and presumably, other good things in life)... and not just seeing possibility, but saying that's something that you might want. Good for you.

I am concerned about you - we wouldn't be responding to your posts if we weren't... all I want to say is, if you are feeling self-destructive, you need to talk to someone. Straight away. As in, before you act. I don't know how things work in the US (are you living in the US? I shouldn't assume) - in Australia, anyway, there are 24-hour emergency numbers if you're feeling crappy and need to talk about stuff straight away. (I don't want to 'medical-ise' you or the stuff you're going through, but an emergency room is better than doing something you'll regret. Not pushing pills, or saying you're insane, just - stay safe. You gotta stay safe to get through it all.)

All the best. Never easy confronting your demons. But, you know, eventually worth it.

Feel free to ignore anything I've just said. Except this: hoping you'll find that person in yourself who can love.

Minime


NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:09 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by citizen:
River:
Erm, hmm, not sure how too put it, got things to say, not many words too say them.

I see you doubting your humanity is that right? If so I wouldn't, you had some kind words for me in that post, and after, as you say, I made you cry, so that should say volumes for your true nature, nes pas?

If you're worried about things, if you're apprehensive about your life or whatever I'd suggest talking to someone. Often that's a therapist because we all like to hide things from those closest to us, but it needn't be. Anyone whom you can rant and rave at, if necessary, who will not hold that against you is fine. Doing it on line can help, but it's no substitute due to the impersonal nature of the web. Talking face to face with someone can be therapeutic, a great help. Not necessarily drugs or a life time of exposing your 'inner child', just griping about that twat that cut you up at the junction or whatever can help a lot.



More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
You should never give powers to a leader you like that you’d hate to have given to a leader you fear




Citizen,
yes, I doubt my humanity.
I suspect you got my number from day one so I won't even attempt to impress you with words of redemption....you know what I am, and that knowledge alone scares me. I'm going to get help, or at least try too, and if I am unsuccessful, you can read about the damage in the news...that’s where you all get YOUR surprise.

River



NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:26 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by kpo:
Hey River,

I guess most people get there emotional stability from their families - it's an easy and natural way for human beings to live out their need to love and be loved.

It occured to me reading zoid's post, and then his little anonymous quote at the bottom; "You are sufficient for the world from the day you are born, and it for you." that some people through unfortunate circumstances are deprived of the kind of things (like family) that make life 'sufficient' for us. Most of us get our security from our family - a sense of identity and a guarantee of unconditional love when the rest of the world screws us over. It also teaches us to go out into the rest of the world and learn to love other people without fear.

I think that a lot of your problems stem from the absence of this in your childhood. I don't know what happened to you 6 years ago (and unfortunately yes, some people in this world can be really good at inflicting misery on others) but I think you are suffering now for not having the safety net of a loving family back then, to help you keep faith in love and humanity. Maybe i'm reading too much into things, i don't know.

Anyway, I think you need love and companionship in your life - as far as I'm aware we're all made for it, and women more than men.

From what you've described of your life this may not be easy - you probably have a reputation for being a bitch amongst the people at work whom you have most human interaction with, which will be akward to get over. Plus you have a self confessed lack of social skills (me too, btw) which will make acquiring friends difficult. Maybe you could do ok in the dating scene, but I dunno. You'd need to acquire a sex drive I think.

So, considering all this I came to one final idea about what you should do, and that is adopt a child. Do you like children? I worry for the child a little bit, but you say you're a 'nice' person so I don't see why there wouldn't be a mother in you. You might just find that the child would open up a part of you and make you feel (more?) complete. All children are selfish, which I know you hate, but you can be sure they're not wolves in sheep's clothing. And you could certainly give the little guy a good home.

What do you think? If you aren't sure you're ready for a child you could start with a dog or something. Do you like dogs? Everyone likes dogs I know it's a cliche; the cute little puppy dog melting the heart of the cold ice woman who doesn't know how to love, but I don't know, it could work.

I guess till now I have been a bit negative disagreeing with Zoid's optimistic quote and generally ruling you out of a lot of the warmth of human interaction that most of the rest of us enjoy. But I do think you have the potential for all that stuff - Your strong willed and smart and funny and I've enjoyed interacting with you on these message boards as have many others i believe.

So, down the road (unless Hollywood has lied to me), you could find that your relationship with the baby/pet has opened your heart up to other aspects of human love such as friendship and romance.

Anyway I better end here. I hope I've been of help, but I realise my advice is based quite a lot on assumptions about your life so it may be quite daft in which case laugh at it and disregard.

Either way good luck working your life out River

kpo



Strange that you mentioned that. I thought about adopting a little girl last year but I decided I was way too busy to deal with a child...perhaps I should reconsider my decision. It would be really good to give someone else a fair shot at life without all the abuse. If I had a child I would love her so much...maybe too much and she would reject me later on, but it would be nice to find out.

Life is so fragile when it gets down to it. The mind is also very fragile thing, and people don't seem to get this point, but I'm at a crossroads point, and if I can get through this, then perhaps I will have the energy to be able to give love to someone else other than myself. Right now, as selfish as this may sound...I'm at the center of the radar. If I can't save myself, there is no way on earth that I'll be able to love and raise a child.

River

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:29 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by dc4bs:

Hi River6213,

To steal a few phrases from a great writer we all know cause he said it better in just a few words than I ever could no matter how many of my own words I might use.


I'm only gonna say this once.
You're on our crew.
Why are we still talkin' bout this?

------------------------------------------
dc4bs





If I were part of the crew in the series, Jayne himself would be watching his back. Whenever I walked into a room where Jayne sat, he would keep is hand on Vera at all times.

River

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:36 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by minime:
I don't have anything very profound to say, but I wanted to vote with the 'it's a good idea to talk to a therapist' people.

I'm glad that you're recognising the possibility of love (and presumably, other good things in life)... and not just seeing possibility, but saying that's something that you might want. Good for you.

I am concerned about you - we wouldn't be responding to your posts if we weren't... all I want to say is, if you are feeling self-destructive, you need to talk to someone. Straight away. As in, before you act. I don't know how things work in the US (are you living in the US? I shouldn't assume) - in Australia, anyway, there are 24-hour emergency numbers if you're feeling crappy and need to talk about stuff straight away. (I don't want to 'medical-ise' you or the stuff you're going through, but an emergency room is better than doing something you'll regret. Not pushing pills, or saying you're insane, just - stay safe. You gotta stay safe to get through it all.)

All the best. Never easy confronting your demons. But, you know, eventually worth it.

Feel free to ignore anything I've just said. Except this: hoping you'll find that person in yourself who can love.

Minime




I don't plan on killing myself today if thats what you mean. I always have a loaded weapon with me on my person, so the option of suicide is always within my reach if I so needed too, but I actually DO wish to live....I don't totally know why, but I do.

Face it people...earth is an evil place and there is no doubt about that, but I guess it must be a lifeform thing. I need to keep finding reason to be alive, and I'm good at that, so my next move is to seek out a therapist and talk my head off. maybe that might help and it might not, but I need to try something. I may whine, but I'm a whiner who tries things out.

River

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:39 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by SpacemanSpiff:
River6213,

You mention in your first post that you are good at science...are you a scientist? I am, an astronomer, and I know first hand that working in a laboratory or academic atmosphere is not the best place for human contact.

Regardless, I'm sorry you feel bad. I do think that talking to someone, anyone you can trust, is a good idea. Odd as it may seem, you can trust therapists, as they are paid to listen, and can't divulge anything you say to others. Also, people you will probably never meet (like us) work too...anonymity can be liberating.

Good luck. And remember that almost everyone here can probably relate to you in some way.

Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?




You are correct, laboratories are in no way good for human contact. *grin*

River

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:39 PM

KWICKO

"We'll know our disinformation program is complete when everything the American public believes is false." -- William Casey, Reagan's presidential campaign manager & CIA Director (from first staff meeting in 1981)


Quote:

I jettisoned all my friends long ago...I am alone and it’s my fault, but it was the only way...the only way too be safe so I thought, and now I am seeing the grim side to isolation.



Maybe you jettisoned your friends, but that doesn't mean they reciprocated. Your TRUE friends are always going to be there, for the bad times as well as the good. As long as you're alive and they're alive, you've still got time and a chance to reconnect to them.

I say this from experience. I've "checked out" before myself, mentally speaking, and distanced myself from friends and family. I seemed to go about my day-to-day existence, but inside, I didn't really feel like I was there, or that I belonged anywhere. I went far, FAAAAARRRR down into an ugly place, and that's where I needed to be at the time, I guess. It's a strange thing - when you're "losing your mind", people tend to think it means you don't realize what's going on around you or with you. That's not been my experience; for me, I was *acutely* aware that there was a problem, but unable to do anything about it. You (the general "you", not the specific you) WANT help, you WANT someone to notice or figure it out, but at the same time, you withdraw and hide it even deeper.

Oddly, what seemed to kick me in the head and start bringing me back out of my funk was the death of my best friend. He killed himself a week before our birthdays (they're 4 days apart, and we usually got together for a night on the town to celebrate). I'd been depressed for a while, and this one stupid action on his part both broke my heart and kicked me in the ass and got me thinking. He felt like he didn't make any difference in this world, but he did. Now, every day, and for the rest of my life, I don't have my best friend, and his mom doesn't have her son. People don't think they matter, but in truth, they're all that DOES matter. All the rest of it is just *stuff*.

Get better, River. Talk to someone. That's probably the best thing that shrinks are good for; they give you someone to just unload on, and they're paid to be non-judgmental about it, to listen, and to offer any help they can. They can be the best people to talk to, if only because the nature of the relationship is already spelled out: you pay them, they listen.

Keep us posted, and join us in the galley for some strawberries and brownies...

Mike

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 9:42 PM

AZTECHROME


Don't go there River. Sorry to be so abrupt, but im an anxiety case, as i mentioned at some point.

I worry myself sick. So, i work myself to death to avoid worrying myself sick. Does that sound at all familiar?

You're probably right in your need for assessment. You're intelligent, and i think you overthink in a very emotional way.

What happens to your emotions at work. Do you force them to disappear?

DON'T DOUBT YOUR ABILITY TO LOVE. (Whatever you gorram please). I sense from this thread that putting your own love out there, in risk, is something that is impossible for you, right now. Maybe a child isn't the right thing...
but i've found something amazing...
sometimes, if you're beyond saving, and you forget about yourself in love. Sometimes that other person can save you, or catalyze your redemption. It's true. It sounds cliche, but it's true.

I think you are so strong in so many areas, especially intelligence, that you are unfamiliar with having a hard time controlling yourself.

I'm sorry to write such a prolix return missive. I guess i know what it's like to have everything everyone tells you that you want, but not having peace of mind.
I don't think there's a quick answer, just work. Maybe a different kind than you are used to. peace.

"What is the difference between work and love? Show me...." (JLG) Passion[/u}

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:12 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by Kwicko:
Quote:

I jettisoned all my friends long ago...I am alone and it’s my fault, but it was the only way...the only way too be safe so I thought, and now I am seeing the grim side to isolation.



Maybe you jettisoned your friends, but that doesn't mean they reciprocated. Your TRUE friends are always going to be there, for the bad times as well as the good. As long as you're alive and they're alive, you've still got time and a chance to reconnect to them.

I say this from experience. I've "checked out" before myself, mentally speaking, and distanced myself from friends and family. I seemed to go about my day-to-day existence, but inside, I didn't really feel like I was there, or that I belonged anywhere. I went far, FAAAAARRRR down into an ugly place, and that's where I needed to be at the time, I guess. It's a strange thing - when you're "losing your mind", people tend to think it means you don't realize what's going on around you or with you. That's not been my experience; for me, I was *acutely* aware that there was a problem, but unable to do anything about it. You (the general "you", not the specific you) WANT help, you WANT someone to notice or figure it out, but at the same time, you withdraw and hide it even deeper.

Oddly, what seemed to kick me in the head and start bringing me back out of my funk was the death of my best friend. He killed himself a week before our birthdays (they're 4 days apart, and we usually got together for a night on the town to celebrate). I'd been depressed for a while, and this one stupid action on his part both broke my heart and kicked me in the ass and got me thinking. He felt like he didn't make any difference in this world, but he did. Now, every day, and for the rest of my life, I don't have my best friend, and his mom doesn't have her son. People don't think they matter, but in truth, they're all that DOES matter. All the rest of it is just *stuff*.

Get better, River. Talk to someone. That's probably the best thing that shrinks are good for; they give you someone to just unload on, and they're paid to be non-judgmental about it, to listen, and to offer any help they can. They can be the best people to talk to, if only because the nature of the relationship is already spelled out: you pay them, they listen.

Keep us posted, and join us in the galley for some strawberries and brownies...

Mike



My father died in April of 2005, and I went to his funeral and could care less about him, or the whole affair. My Mother died during the pilot episode of the original BSG way back in 1979 and I was too busy watching it. After it was over, I went downstairs and found her dead...big deal, I called the ambulance and the cops and then went back to watching the interviews with Dirk Benedict in it I think.

**** This should tell you something ****

My best guy friend Bruce Died in October 16th of 2004. I went to his funeral, smiled with all the the other idiots that were there, and then went home not feeling anything.

Bruce was the only man I ever felt comfortable around. He was a strange guy. He was this Vietnam vet guy who walked about with a limp, with a warm disposition, and a forgiving manner. I'm not even sure where I met him, but i know I knew him for 20 years, and all he talked about was fishing. I hated fishing, but he would always force me to go with him. he was the only person that could ever do that by the way.

There we would sit in his fishing boat. in silence....complete silence with a picturious background of complete beauty around us...at like 4:00 in the morning, and it was like freezing! And of course at the time I would hate it all, but later on, I would calm down and actually start to enjoy myself. I always caught a fish, and he would always photograph the moment, with a grin on his face. He would always rub it in and say, "See Glenda, a little bit of patience and you'll always get what you want" I used to hate him for saying things like that. He used to always laugh when I fell in the water, or when he was teaching me how to shoot a gun, he would always laugh when I missed the mark...he was always riding me, and I hated him for it, but in hindsight, he was being a friend...a real friend and I failed completly to see that while he was alive, and now he's dead. I want my friend back!!!! He was the only real friend I ever had and I didnt know it.

Annikin's Betrayal strikes again


River


NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:30 PM

AUSSAY


Well the only advice I can give is that if you think you are going crazy, you're not.

Crazy people don't think they're going crazy, they think they're getting more and more sane

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:37 PM

AZTECHROME


I'm not trying to be pat. Been watching this thread tonite.

Lost my best friend in 2001. We were up playing DOA 2 the night before. I beat him, but he had a good streak at the end. He was already gone when I saw him the next day.
He was a stageworker. He was making some special effects. He knew what he was doing. He was 75 ft from the rocket. A piece of metal bounced off a rib and severed his aeorta. He died virtually instantly.

They planted a tree. I sat there with all the posers wondering what was happening to my best friend. Literally thousands came. It filled a park; So beloved was this young man. I felt nothing.

I don't want a tree. I want my friend back! You're right about that. It's been almost 5 years, and I'll tell ya, it's still rough. I never visit that tree. Don't know that i ever will.

Crap. I didn't mean to get that serious. But this thread seems to have struck a nerve with maybe more than just River.

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:41 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by aussay:
Well the only advice I can give is that if you think you are going crazy, you're not.

Crazy people don't think they're going crazy, they think they're getting more and more sane

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/



Boy?

I'm a woman you creepoid!
Though, I'm not like any woman I've ever met. I don't get along with women...I like or LIKED hanging out with guys in the past. They are more interesting, and they always had something to teach me.

River



When the days done gone gray, nothings wrong with Molly's smile...

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:45 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by aztechrome:
I'm not trying to be pat. Been watching this thread tonite.

Lost my best friend in 2001. We were up playing DOA 2 the night before. I beat him, but he had a good streak at the end. He was already gone when I saw him the next day.
He was a stageworker. He was making some special effects. He knew what he was doing. He was 75 ft from the rocket. A piece of metal bounced off a rib and severed his aeorta. He died virtually instantly.

They planted a tree. I sat there with all the posers wondering what was happening to my best friend. Literally thousands came. It filled a park; So beloved was this young man. I felt nothing.

I don't want a tree. I want my friend back! You're right about that. It's been almost 5 years, and I'll tell ya, it's still rough. I never visit that tree. Don't know that i ever will.

Crap. I didn't mean to get that serious. But this thread seems to have struck a nerve with maybe more than just River.



That totally bites! You lost your friend just like that! Life is so beyond fragile...no ones safe here on earth...not one soul!
No! it IS serious and the world is NOT about me! You lost a friend...a good friend....someone that meant something to you. Someone that you respected! That's important. Why is it that we can't see the value of those special people when they are alive? Why do we only see it after they are dead...what's that all about?????????

River

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:54 PM

AUSSAY


Quote:

Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Quote:

Originally posted by aussay:
Well the only advice I can give is that if you think you are going crazy, you're not.

Crazy people don't think they're going crazy, they think they're getting more and more sane

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/]

Boy?

I'm a woman you creepoid!
Though, I'm not like any woman I've ever met. I don't get along with women...I like or LIKED hanging out with guys in the past. They are more interesting, and they always had something to teach me.

River



When the days done gone gray, nothings wrong with Molly's smile...



"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck" is part of my sig (Jayne says it in Jaynestown) so that boy was not directed at you.

BTW girls who dont gt along with other girls is very common.

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:57 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by aussay:
Quote:

Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Quote:

Originally posted by aussay:
Well the only advice I can give is that if you think you are going crazy, you're not.

Crazy people don't think they're going crazy, they think they're getting more and more sane

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/]

Boy?

I'm a woman you creepoid!
Though, I'm not like any woman I've ever met. I don't get along with women...I like or LIKED hanging out with guys in the past. They are more interesting, and they always had something to teach me.

River



When the days done gone gray, nothings wrong with Molly's smile...



"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck" is part of my sig (Jayne says it in Jaynestown) so that boy was not directed at you.

BTW girls who dont gt along with other girls is very common.

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/





Oops! sorry!

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 10:59 PM

AUSSAY


Quote:

Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Quote:

Originally posted by aussay:
Quote:

Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Quote:

Originally posted by aussay:
Well the only advice I can give is that if you think you are going crazy, you're not.

Crazy people don't think they're going crazy, they think they're getting more and more sane

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/]

Boy?

I'm a woman you creepoid!
Though, I'm not like any woman I've ever met. I don't get along with women...I like or LIKED hanging out with guys in the past. They are more interesting, and they always had something to teach me.

River



When the days done gone gray, nothings wrong with Molly's smile...



"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck" is part of my sig (Jayne says it in Jaynestown) so that boy was not directed at you.

BTW girls who dont gt along with other girls is very common.

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/]



Oops! sorry!



no worries!

"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck"

www.fireflyfans.net
http://www.browncoatsriseagain.com/

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 11:10 PM

AZTECHROME


Quote:

That's important. Why is it that we can't see the value of those special people when they are alive? Why do we only see it after they are dead...what's that all about?????????

River



I don't know. Maybe I know something.

I know that all the scales fall away after a passing. One is forced to evaluate the person sort of historically. Which is really hard, since they were breathing a little while ago.

Once you've separated all the chaff and realized that you'd forever lost something unique...

I think that's why death can do things like that. The virtue of insight is forever outweighed by it's irrevocable consequence.

You honor them. You don't forget them.
One day you feel a little bit better. Because they would want you to.
Then you go on to the next day.

I don't quite know what happens after that.
I'll let you know as soon as it happens! ;P

Thanks River, you at least made someone else feel a little better tonight. Good night.

(Ok, maybe i'm a bit intoxicated now!)

-aztechrome

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 11:12 PM

SINGATE


River6213,

I've gone through the entire thread and thought I should weigh in again. It sounds like you are going to get therapy. If you go through with it please, please don't let one of these folks turn into a soulless zombie, or bot to use your term.

The post you put up about wanting to get in touch with that girl inside you made me think back to a conversation I once had with a girl I used to work with. It went something like this:

Co-worker: "You really should be nicer to people."
Me: "I was nicer when I was younger but too many people screwed me over so that little boy had to go away."
Co-worker: "I think he needs to come back."
Me: "No, that one is never coming back."

And he hasn't. Oh I suspect he's still lurking in some dark corner but I really don't have any use for him.

So if you think you need to reconnect with the little girl inside you I say go for it. But if you find yourself unable to make it happen I think you will be strong enough to survive.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

NOTIFY: N   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 7, 2006 11:47 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by singate:
River6213,

I've gone through the entire thread and thought I should weigh in again. It sounds like you are going to get therapy. If you go through with it please, please don't let one of these folks turn into a soulless zombie, or bot to use your term.

The post you put up about wanting to get in touch with that girl inside you made me think back to a conversation I once had with a girl I used to work with. It went something like this:

Co-worker: "You really should be nicer to people."
Me: "I was nicer when I was younger but too many people screwed me over so that little boy had to go away."



Co-worker: "I think he needs to come back."
Me: "No, that one is never coming back."

And he hasn't. Oh I suspect he's still lurking in some dark corner but I really don't have any use for him.

So if you think you need to reconnect with the little girl inside you I say go for it. But if you find yourself unable to make it happen I think you will be strong enough to survive.

Do you remeber that

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.





Do you remember the movie Aliens 2?
Remember Ripley played by Sigourney Weaver? Remember when she made up her mind to go back for that little girl who had spent weeks surviving on that desolate planet in the middle of a nest of hostile aliens? Well that’s me, and the child that she wanted to rescue…that’s who I once was. My own mind is the hostile environment of Aliens. Its time to lock and load and go face the demons that have held her and myself hostage.
That child helped me survive a very traumatic childhood. That child kept me interested, kept me strong, kept me fighting kept me laughing, kept me dreaming, and kept me believing in rainbows and a better day. She kept me believing that there was something just for me just waiting on the far side of the horizon. That child kept me living, even though I was oblivious to the fact that I needed to be kept living. That child kept me alive.
Now it’s my turn. She needs my help and I’m going to go and get her. I am going into that alien filled, hostile environment and getting my child the hell out of there. I owe it to her. She saved me, and now its time to save her. And I will. What ever it takes, I will.

Or, looking at it another way. Simon spent a good deal of time protecting River, and keeping her living, but then came the fateful day when Simon caught a round from a reavers weapon, and he went down. River, who was the "child" had to protect her protector...it was her turn indeed and she took it.

River

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 4:50 AM

CITIZEN


That's kinda disturbing, Rebbeca ends up dead, and Ripley ends up host to an alien...

Whole different inner child thing going on there...



More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
You should never give powers to a leader you like that you’d hate to have given to a leader you fear

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 7:11 AM

CARTOON


Quote:

Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Why is it that we can't see the value of those special people when they are alive? Why do we only see it after they are dead...what's that all about?????????


Because we take everyone and everything we have for granted until it's gone -- friends, health, possessions, abilities, time...

Nearly everyone who's lost someone they really cared about usually feels this way after that person is gone, and regrets they didn't treat them better, or spend more time with them, or let them know how special they were to us.

The thing is that we need to learn from it, and try to treat the people we care about NOW as if this were their last day on earth.

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 7:48 AM

ZOID


RiveR6213 replied, in part:
Quote:

...I've been abusing drink big time for the past 6 months... more than I have in the past and it isnt making things better...matter of fact, it makes things rather foggy, which means its another thing in my life that have to go...

Yeah, I kinda sensed that. 'Like knows like', as my dear, deeply damaged father used to say. Alcoholism runs in my family. My grandfather, whom I never knew as anything but the sweetest human being I'd ever met (up until meeting my wife), was reportedly "as mean as a snake" during his days under the thrall of drink. The episodes of my father's bouts with that demon still haunt my dreams. My brother, who is two years and two weeks younger than I, is still in bondage to the cycle of drunk/hung-over/drunk/hung-over that I was caught in for years; he never gets a chance to be truly sober, to truly know who he is (without alcohol), or to confront his shame for the things he does to himself and others when he is using. He tells me he drinks because he can't stand himself or the world when he is sober. That's the rationalization aspect of the cycle, and I can totally identify with him, because I went through the same thing.

Which brings us, obliquely enough to seem irrelevant, to the issue of adopting a child. Nurturing a child -- anyone's child -- is so great a thing that I'm at a loss for the appropriate words to describe it. But, you must stop drinking first.

I think you should see a therapist. I've said that before, and I stand by it. But, I think I'm safe to say that a therapist is going to tell you the same thing: First, you must stop your self-abuse with alcohol.

Whether it's a good thing or not, I'm 'self-healed'. I couldn't afford to seek professional help, on many levels (mostly to do with my job).

And so, back to the 'child' aspect of the conversation: Just after my youngest daughter's 2nd birthday, my wife, daughter and myself were sitting on the back patio around sunset, I starting on my first drink, since it was my day to be drunk (i.e., in the drunk/hungover cycle described above). My daughter had never paid me much attention for the first two years of her life, not surprising, since I was a very mean drunk. Not physically abusive, but so emotionally abusive that it might have been better had I just hit people.

Suddenly, and with no prompting from anyone, she climbed down off of her mother's lap, walked around the table and climbed into my lap. I was simultaneously stunned and struck in the heart with love and self-awareness. It was a defining moment in my life.

I had a choice to make. I could either be the drunken lump on the couch, screaming at people I loved, puking and crying for forgiveness as my father had been during my childhood, or I could love this child and care for her with all my faculties.

I gave up 'drinking as a way of life' in that very instant. I'm still an a$$hole -- just ask anybody -- but at least I'm not a drunken a$$hole. And personally, I prefer to think of myself as 'fiercely individualistic', rather than an a$$hole, but why quibble over terms, hmmm?

So:

1. Give up the drink
2. Get professional help. You're a lot more disconnected than I ever was. When my father died, even though he was the most torn up person I have ever known, I cried for days that he was gone, mostly because of all the things we never had the chance to be for one another.
3. Adopt a child. Always a good idea. But you must be at least marginally alright with yourself, first, lest you harm the child and perpetuate the disease.

That's as close to advice as you'll get from me. I'm not qualified to advise you or anyone else. I just tell my story, to the extent that it might parallel your own, and let you draw your own conclusions, make your own decisions.

That's my parenting style with my children, too. When it comes to development of their own character, I go light on directives, heavy on teaching and illumination through examples and possible consequences. I don't hold myself up as a model or the 'ideal'; I tell them all the horrible choices I've made, as well as the good ones. That's my definition of 'nurturing', and I do it with everyone I meet.



Respectfully,

zoid

P.S.
I also recommend L. Boldt's, "Zen and the Art of Making a Living". It truly helped me get my head on straight, regarding the correlation of Life and Work, and the value of Inner Wealth as opposed to Material Possessions. A financially successful person might even benefit -- inwardly -- from his instructions on forming a non-profit, beneficent entity. 'Giving back' to the community, to the needy at-large, can be therapeutic.
_________________________________________________

"I aim to misbehave." -Capt. Mal Reynolds, Serenity, a.k.a. 'the BDBOF'

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 8:32 AM

LUCIDZ




"3. Adopt a child. Always a good idea. But you must be at least marginally alright with yourself, first, lest you harm the child and perpetuate the disease."


Holy CRAP!!!! Thats the worst advice I've ever seen! The LAST thing this person needs to do is have any living creature depend on them.

Kids are not tool of personal growth, they should be the product of a loving relationship. Not a way to fill a hole or have meaning.

Trust me if you don't already have meaning its going to completely filter down to their little minds. I swear to god baout 90% of the people having kids nowadays SHOULDn'T be.

I read this thread a few days ago but decided not to post because I don't have anything nice to say. So river, if you want honesty, the kind these other people aren't giving, I'll do it. I just didn't want one of my first posts to be hostile.

The offer is out there though.

NOTIFY: N   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 12:09 PM

AZTECHROME


I agree with the above post.
To be direct, dealing with your own problems seriously is an everyday effort. Especially when they are in your head. Medication can help, but happiness is only made when you yourself decide that you are allowed to be happy. (Did that make sense)

In other words, once you've got yourself figured out, perhaps a child is a good idea. DON'T do anything to another life, until you're ready to be responsible for it.
I think River already said something like, "If i can't save myself, how can i take care of a child." I think that's the right idea. Just do them in order. Take care of yourself, and then consider the whole kid option.
River, you remind me very much of a college friend. Always good friends with guys, but never more. Whenever there is more, it gets confusing and things get ruined. So you avoid ruining things. Probably don't have many if any female friends. You're probably most comfortable either in a position of authority, or treated in casual environs as "just one of the guys".
Virtually all of my female friends are like that, and i respect the line in the sand. They're all crazy to a greater or lesser degree. And i'd be there in a second if they needed help.

Is there anyone near you that cares about you that you don't ever feel threatened by? (outside of family) Maybe, it's time you took a vacation and spent some time with that person.

Just more of my ramblings

"What is the difference between work and love... Show me..." (JLG) Passion

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 2:27 PM

MINIME


I'm glad you're wanting to live... and, as previously mentioned, glad that you're looking for help with dealing.

I understand the idea of the ever-present option of not living... I really do. I'd love to see you with something more positive in place to help cope, is all. And also wanting you to know what some of the options might be for when things feel really really really crappy.

Including - posting here.

take care,
Minime

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Monday, March 13, 2006 4:42 PM

MINIME


River?
River?

How you doing?

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Monday, March 13, 2006 10:32 PM

RIVER6213


Quote:

Originally posted by minime:
River?
River?

How you doing?




I’m okay I think...I'm not really sure because my brains are scrambled. I went to see some gruff bespectacled Doctor who spoke at length about a great many things I could care less about, and then he gave our distraught heroine (me) a white piece of paper with a bunch of scribbling on it, which the people at the pharmacy somehow managed to decipher correctly, and gave our heroine a plastic tube full of thirty, round things which she's supposed to take 1 a day without the benefit of devil drink.

Now our heroine walks about like a zombie, or at least she feels like one. Thoughts are sluggish and hard to hold on too, and her emotions feel like they are a long way off somewhere, and our fair heroine thinks of herself in 3rd person format, which doesn’t seem like a good thing to think. Whatever that doctor gave me have pacified my state of mind. I feel like I’m viewing life from the bottom of a well.

I float about at my job taking care of one task after another. I’m neither happy, nor, sad, nor hateful, nor empty, nor up, or down; I don’t like or dislike anything. Every time something happens that I normally would get annoyed with, I can feel the chemicals in my body fire up for a brief second, and then it just fades away like a fart in a high wind, and I’m back to being a ghost again. I’m actually “nothing” right now. I’m a ghost haunting the dimension called my life. Also, I sleep like the dead and it’s hard to get up in the morning.

That 1st session with that doctor was almost like Interview with the Vampire. He makes me talk about all sorts of things, and then he asks me “How does that make you feel?” I just stared at him with unblinking eyes and an uneasy feeling that I was missing something important, but I really didn’t have much to say other than the mini-series I told him when I 1st came to see him. I pretty much laid my whole life story out for him when I 1st showed up. I told him everything in my best robotic fashion, and then he had the nerve to tell me to shut up after I was done, and then he talked for what seemed like two hours, and I had to sit there and listen. I do remember imagining myself cutting off his air supply, but he kept interrupting my homicidal thoughts by saying “pay attention.” The whole first session was 4 hours long. I can tell that he knows he’s going to get rich off of this client (me), and maybe write a book and get a movie deal off this successful, female terminator droid that walked into his office.

Now I have to float back to that doctor on Tuesday so he can talk to me some more, but here is the good news for all of you who dislike me with a passion. It’s difficult to concentrate, so I won’t be posting very much because I seem to drift off into my own thoughts when I write. My anger towards humanity has vanished and has been replaced with a dust cloud. All the energy I have now is reserved for going to work, and coming home and going to sleep.

River

...and the other members of the crew:

Lambert, Cain, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas are dead. Cargo and ship destroyed. I should reach the frontier in about six weeks and maybe with a little luck the network should pick me up. This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.






Now I know what the word "Docile" really means.

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Monday, March 13, 2006 10:40 PM

SINGATE


I tried to warn you about those guys. Get out while you still have the willpower to do so.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

NOTIFY: N   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 12:29 AM

ARCADIA


You therapist put you on drugs after on session? Get out of that office and quit taking those pills. This guy is an unprofessional moran (in addition to being rude, which is an unexcusable quality for his profession).

I'm not again therapy. I've seen it do wonders for my dad. But my sister's had a much harder time with it. You're most likely not going to find a therapist who is right for you on the first try. It seems weird, but you need to shop around.

There is no way that any therapist could know you well enough to put you on drugs after one session. My sister was in therapy for almost two years before her counceler was certain that she had clinical depression and suggested medication. Even if you told him your life story, there is just no way anyone can figure a person out so quickly.

I hope things turn out all right for you. You seem to have a strong desire to change things in your life. I think in time you'll be okay.

edited to add:

I know dumb things that cheer you up may be for the weak, but I always find, as stupid as this might sound, that looking at pictures of cats always brightens my dat. What can I say? I am a cat person. So http://kittens.sytes.org/ cut pictures of kittens.

Which makes me think... do you have a pet? I kind of agree with what some other people were saying earlier about you not being in the right place in you life to adopt a child, no offense, but you might want to consider getting a cat or a dog or whatever animal you love best. I've had pets my whole life, especially cats, and I couldn't imagine life without them. My Misty has always been there for me when I was at my worst. I could talk to her when I couldn't take to anyone. She was always so tolerant of me, even when I was an annoying kid who picked her up weird ways and poked and prodded her in ways she didn't like (I was 8 when I got her, and my sister was 4, so she had to deal with really annoying kids). She's just... she just loves me, and its nice because it is a pure, simple love that humans can't quite give me, just because it gets so complicated, loving other people. My cat had been a great constant in my life, a great sourse of support. So, seriously, it is something to think about.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Objects in Space"
River: It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think...

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 6:57 AM

CARTOON


Quote:

Originally posted by RiveR6213:
but here is the good news for all of you who dislike me with a passion. It’s difficult to concentrate, so I won’t be posting very much because I seem to drift off into my own thoughts when I write.


Firstly, I don't think there's anyone here who dislikes you with a passion (or even without a passion).

Anyhow, I agree with the advice from those above that you probably should get off those drugs. I'm not a doctor or a psychiatrist (or even know how to spell psychiatrist -- if I got it right, it was an accident), but drugs don't solve our problems. They may help us forget them for a while, but if the source remains, the problem will persist.

I will continue to pray that things will improve for you. We all care about you and want nothing but the best for you.

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 7:34 AM

ISAACSHEPHERD


River6213,
I've read most of what you have put on this thread and I thought I'd add in my part. I came up with a question to ask you. What do you want? You've told us all about your bad experiences and things that happen but you don't really say what you want.
Do you want to be socialable and love again? Do you want more friends? Do you want to get better? What is it that you trully want? After you decide you have to do something about it. I would like to help you out, and it seems like that doctor dude won't help by your description of the session. Well that's it.
IS

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

NOTIFY: N   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 8:35 AM

MAL4PREZ


I must second (or third or fourth) the above - get away from that doctor, shop around. Find someone you can talk to comfortably, without that man-in-white-coat BS. And talking at you for hours? He sounds terrible!

You can insist on seeing a woman, you can insist on not being lectured or judged, you can insist on whatever you want. It's your life.

And get off those meds! Sounds like he put you on something way too strong. Insist on several appts before they put you on anything, and start small. That was just wrong of him.

Take care!

m4p



I'm the president. I don't need to listen.

NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

Tuesday, March 14, 2006 3:03 PM

MINIME



I am feeling very hesitant to throw my 2 cents worth in... but, hey, that's not going to stop me. Feel free to throw my 2 cents worth out again.

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience with a doctor. Wish I could say that was a rarity. (disclaimer: I sometimes work as a doctor.)

Can I just suggest, though, rather than chucking the whole thing in, that you do 2 things.

1. Tell the current guy what's bugging you. Meds, long and seemingly useless talk-fests. See if he can offer sensible alternatives or good reasons to push through the yucky stuff. Mind you, this is not always an easy thing to do.

2. Get a second opinion. Female doctor? Psychologist instead of psychiatrist? If it's at all possible for someone you know to recommend someone...

I'm not selling anything. I'm not trying to push a profession that I admit is very often more trouble than it's worth. I'm not making excuses for a doctor being an... idiot. Hope you believe me when I say I truly want to see you well.


NOTIFY: Y   |  REPLY  |  REPLY WITH QUOTE  |  TOP  |  HOME  

YOUR OPTIONS

NEW POSTS TODAY

USERPOST DATE

FFF.NET SOCIAL