Fandom: Firefly Title: Futures Author: meimei42 (Dani) 30_angsts Theme(s): 21. Lost Memories (~touching the illusion) Pairing/Characters: Jayne/Kaylee Rating: PG Disclaimer/claimer (if needed): Post BDM, I do not own any of it. Summary: Kaylee and River have a talk Word Count: 1029

Author's Note: Not betaed, all mistakes are mine. Special thanks to squish_67 for convincing me to write more and to reenie1 for sending my muse chocolate. This is for my 30_angsts challenge. Depending on how well behaved my muse is, I will write more soon hopefully.

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Kaylee’s fingers traced the outline of Simon’s face in the capture she held. She’d been so happy that day. The red dress Inara had bought her had been prettier than any dress Kaylee had ever owned. It was perfect. It was beyond perfect. Where had things gone wrong?

Kaylee set the wedding capture aside and looked around the room. She closed her eyes and pushed out the memories of her and Jayne being together. His body hot against hers on this very bed. She couldn’t think about it, Simon would be back soon and she had to get ready to put on her mask again. Kaylee chewed on her lip and hugged her arms to herself. In all the time she had been with Jayne they had never been together in hers and Simon’s bunk. It felt to Kaylee that an invisible line had been crossed.

“Crossed long ago,” River said. Kaylee jumped, her head popping up to see River standing near the ladder, looking at Kaylee through the metal rungs that had served her no protection against Jayne and her need for him. Kaylee hadn’t even heard the hatch door open.

“You scared me,” Kaylee breathed out, her hand over her chest.

“You’re a liar and a thief,” River whispered, moving forward. Kaylee blinked in half surprise. She knew River knew, but hearing it made eyes water and her shoulders sagged as she took a dejected stance. “Keep secrets, keep what isn’t yours.”

“I know,” Kaylee sniffled.

“Tell him,” River said.

“I can’t River...It’ll break his heart. I can’t do that to him,” Kaylee shook her head. “I’ll stop…I won’t see Jayne no more, but I can’t hurt Simon. Please don’t make me hurt Simon.”

“Too late. The equation never fit, but you broke it. You have to fix it.” River stared at her for a long moment before Kaylee finally spoke.

“You gonna tell him, Riv?” the mechanic whispered.

“Not my place. Can’t be sisters anymore,” River shook her head.

“Don’t say that…we’ll always be sister, River, no matter what.” She paused and took a deep breath. “I’ve messed things up so bad,” Kaylee felt a tear slid down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away. “Give me time t’fix this.”

“You won’t. You love him,” River said.

“That’s why I have to fix this,” Kaylee nodded.

“Not Simon. Jayne. You love Jayne. I feel it in you. Won’t be able to stop,” River said, her face hardened. “Tell Simon or I will.” River’s eyes scared Kaylee. They were totally and completely lucid and for some reason that created a little ball of ice in the pit of Kaylee’s stomach. River stood up and left the room without another word. For a long moment Kaylee stared at the wall. She looked around the room; everything was so neat and so clean. There was a place for everything and everything in its place. Not a grease stain to be seen. When had her life changed so dramatically? This wasn’t her, this wasn’t Kaylee at all.

~~~~~~~~~~ *Flashback*

“Kaylee! My god, this place is practically covered in grease,” Simon gasped. Kaylee looked up from where she was laying on the bed and glanced around. She chewed uncertainly on her bottom lip. Sure she’d gotten a bit of grease on some things but it wasn’t like she’d smeared it everywhere in the room.

“I’m sorry Simon, sometimes no matter how hard ya wash, grease don’t come off.” She sat up, sliding her legs over the edge of the bed. Simon sighed and took a deep breath. He looked like his eyes were going to bug out of his head.

“Can we please just…try and keep this place clean. I know I’m being anal, but it’s ingrained in me to keep things as neat as I can. As a surgeon you have to keep everything clean and I just can’t stand it otherwise.” He let out a deep breath and Kaylee nodded slowly. She headed over to the sink to try and wash her hands as best she could. Get as much of the grease off as possible. She scrubbed her hands until they were red and raw.

*End Flashback* ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaylee looked up when Simon came down the ladder. He looked tired and worn out. She smiled at him weakly but Simon didn’t smile back. Kaylee felt her face fall. “Somethin’ wrong?” she asked.

“Nothing more than usual,” Simon replied shortly. Kaylee furrowed her brows and shifted on the bed.

“Simon?”

“Not now, Kaylee. I’ve had a long day. The captain and I had a disagreement and I’m really not in a very good mood.” Simon sighed and started to take his shirt of to change it. The one he was wearing was a little sweaty; it must have been very warm planetside.

“Disagreement?” Kaylee asked, prodding him some more.

“I tried talking to the captain about us...about how we’d like to start a family. He completely said no without even letting me finish what I was saying,” Simon grabbed another shirt and slid it on. Kaylee felt her heart jump into her throat. A family? She’d always wanted to be a mother but this seemed so sudden.

“Simon…were you even gonna talk t’me ‘bout havin’ this family?” she asked softly.

“Of couse I was,” Simon said, looking at her as though she lost her mind. “I just didn’t want to get your hopes up before I had at least said something to the captain.”

“Simon, I ain’t ready for a family. You should be talkin’ t’me, not Mal. It ain’t his decision,” Kaylee said firmly. Simon paused, looking her over for a long moment.

“Are you saying you don’t want to have a family?” he asked incredulously. “We’ve been married a year and a half now. We’ve always talked about having a family. What’s going on Kaylee?”

“We’ve talked ‘bout havin’ a family yeah, but that was all in the future. I don’t think we’re ready yet,” Kaylee replied.

“Kaylee, is there something wrong, bao bei?” he asked, uncertainty creeping into his voice.

“We gotta talk, Simon,” she whispered, her eyes dropping to the ground as she took a deep breath.