Author's Notes:

You know the drill. Feedback at kaylee@kikiroxxorz.com is appreciated. Also, for timeline purposes, I am George Lucas. I worked backwards. This takes place immediately preceding the first part. So, I suppose, you should read them:

2, 3, 4, 5, 1, 6, 7 if you're new to the series.

Maybe sometime soon we'll pick River's brain. In the meantime, angst ahoy!

Warnings, etc:

Warnings from the previous La Cienega Just Smiled stories:

Read with caution. There's some topical matter, namely who's paired with whom, that might be offensive. Feedback is always appreciated (kaylee@kikiroxxorz.com). This gorram story is growing exponentially—every time I write one chapter, another one follows it in my mind.

Any problems can be directed to my dear and fluffy muse, Ryan Adams. He sings, I write.

"Now I hold you close in the back of my mind, feels so good, but damn, it makes me hurt

I’m too scared to know how I feel about you now

La cienega just smiles and says “I’ll see you ‘round.”

Now I hold you close in the back of my mind

Raise my glass cause either way I’m dead

Neither of you really help me to sleep anymore

One breaks my body and the other breaks my soul

La cienega just smiles and waves goodbye."

~Ryan Adams, La Cienega Just Smiled

***

His reaction is different than what I had expected. It’s surprising. He’s near a breaking point and it scares me. He has thoughts, so serious that I wake up, panicking, thinking he’s gone through with them, and I know that I can’t do anything to save him.

***

Kaylee won’t come out of the engine room if she knows that Simon is out, and River follows her around like a little lost puppy, getting less and less coherent every day. Simon, on the other hand, is silent and withdrawn, more than usual. He eats only when he absolutely has to, and keeps the infirmary immaculate. Mal is ready to draw the line, but he knows (or Inara tells him, at least) that doing that will make it worse. He misses his old crew, the crew that laughed and talked and ate together, the crew that seemed more like family than a crew, and he’s determined to get them back.

***

We will arrive planetside in ten days, and when we do, River and I will be leaving Serenity. I am tired of feeling like this, like I am going to split in two, and something needs to be done. I considered holding off telling River until the absolute last moment, but I realize: she loves Kaylee. With every molecule of her body, she loves her. I know how it feels to lose someone you love, and I don’t want to put her through that, so tonight, I grab her as she is wandering down to the engine room. “Mei mei, I need to talk to you.” “Not going, Simon.” “It isn’t something that’s up for negotiati…” “Not leaving Kaylee, Simon. She needs me.” “And I need to get out of here.” “No you don’t. Need to open your eyes. Need to see.”

***

They’re leavin’ me. I can hear Simon’s angry voice, River’s protests, lost like leaves, and Mal’s stern tone. She took me away from him, and now he’s taking her away from me. I press my ear against the door, holding back tears, knowing it’s all my fault. “Fine!” Mal shouts. “You wanna leave, LEAVE!” Until now, I didn’t realize that words could end your entire world.