Malcolm Reynolds vs. James Kirk (in his prime): who'd win in a good old fashioned fistfight?

POSTED BY: chrisisall
UPDATED: Wednesday, October 11, 2006 01:08
VIEWED: 19212
PAGE 1 of 1

CHRISISALL

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 12:30 AM

I'm sure 'Q' could arrange it, but who would win?
Let's assume they each believe their crews are at stake, and that they're mortal enemies.

I see it as a toss-up; any of y'all have definite opinions one way or another?

Felt the need for a dumb but fun topic is all- Chrisisall

DREAMTROVE

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 12:33 AM

I'm gonna go with Mal, because he'd throw the KO punch while JT was still warming up and getting his shirt off.

LOGGERHEAD

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 12:35 AM

I hate to say it, but Mal isn't much use in a fistfight. It's one thing if he has Zoe and Jayne backing him up, but otherwise all he really did was beat up a girl, and that one was pretty close.

Kirk in the first round.

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 12:46 AM

Now Zoe vs. Cpt. Kirk...

He'd be making passes at her whilst she commenced to kicking the crap out of him...LOL

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

ROCKETJOCK

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 1:28 AM

I'd vote for Mal. He knows how--and when--to fight dirty. And he's not so bad, hand to hand; he gave the operative his money's worth, after all.

But I'm not so interested in who would win the fight, as I am in who would score the background music...

Can't you just hear that old Amok Time riff in the air right now? The one that was Doctor Zoidberg's national anthem on Futurama?

"Dah da da da dah-dah/Dah da da da da-duh-dah" -- Alexander Courage

MOOSE

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:00 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RocketJock:

Can't you just hear that old Amok Time riff in the air right now? The one that was Doctor Zoidberg's national anthem on Futurama?

"Dah da da da dah-dah/Dah da da da da-duh-dah" -- Alexander Courage

Geez, man...that's exactly what went through my mind when I first read this thread.

I'd vote for Kirk...until Inara distracts him.

DREAMTROVE

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:07 AM

Mal would be aiming to fix it in the openning punch. Failing that, things might head south for him.

KNIBBLET

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:14 AM

I don't know about the whole fist fight thing ... but it would be funnier than a monkey's uncle to set Reaver-kicking River on a whole gaggle of red shirts.

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/MN-Firefly/

GINOBIFFARONI

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:20 AM

Mal would do exactly what I would do....

pipe wrench to the back of the head. game over

mind you, shat is cool... really like him as Denny Crane

DOYOUFLIP

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:21 AM

What about Spock vs. Mal? I'll bet Mal got that nerve (aka the vulcan stun grip or what-the-heck-ever nerve) all torn up with shrapnel too.

Or maybe Reavers vs. Tribbles. Damn little critters would make good hors d'oevres I'd bet.

ERINBC

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:37 AM

To be honest I haven't watched Trek since I was in elementary school, but I gotta go with Mal...Kirk'd be too busy overacting and like somebody said already, getting his shirt off. He'd be waxing poetic and Mal would knock him down...or more likely just shoot him Indiana Jones style. On the other hand, if you let him have a phaser he might do better.

CLETUSMUSASHI

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:37 AM

In an old fashioned fist fight, Mal would win.
Reason?
He'd bring a gun.

I'll be in my bunk.

GIANTEVILHEAD

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:39 AM

Nothing in the universe can beat shirt ripped Kirk.

"I swallowed a bug." -River Tam

REGINAROADIE

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:41 AM

The Kirk-fu chop is always a good way to defeat opponents. And in the few moments we've seen Mal at hand to hand combat, he really didn't put up that much a fight. Even Simon could take him out.

But if it were an honest gun-fight, no question about it. Mal would definitly win.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
XANDER: (baby-talk) Who's a little fear demon?
C'mon, who's a lit-tle fear demon?
GILES: Don't taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why? Can he hurt me?
GILES: No, it's just… tacky.

SAINT JAYNE

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:46 AM

I'll have to go with Kirk. Mal was never about the butt-kicking. That's what Jayne is there for.

BOOKSWORD

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:48 AM

Please, Kirk never faced a down and dirty deceiver like Mal here.

While Kirk is giving a 'we are not animals' speech to the Q complete with wavy hands and poignet pauses.

Mal would wait till Kirks back is turned and kick him in the happy place followed by some haymakers in the kidneys.

While Kirk is curled up on the ground in pain Mal would set in some kicks for good measure.

First rule of a fist fight, win.

Second rule of a fist fight, hit first.

Third rule of a fist fight, if your opponet cant hit you, even better.

Hell who are we kidding, Shepard Book could take the Kirk.

TINFOIL

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:48 AM

I'm going to have to put my money on Kirk. Mal is more of a dirty "take advantage of the situation" type of fighter. If they were placed on random planets and had to seek each other out sort of fight, I'd give the nod to Mal...

Kinda like a Batman Vs Superman fight. If they just met in a bull ring, someone yelled fight, and they went at it, Batman would get clobbered. If Batman decided it was time for Superman to die, Superman would be dead.

Summery:
Batman = Malcolm Reynolds
Superman = James Kirk
Mal + an Arena + Superman = Superman wins
Batman + Mal + Superman + Kirk + planet wide fight = Mal + Batman playing checkers in the Batcave
Me + head trauma = this post

ACIDRAINE

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:08 AM

In terms of the Tribbles: Since they tend to mess with peoples' emotions, I am guessing that they would make the Reavers more aggressive. Next thing you hear, the Reavers have taken over the world with their band of Tribbles ~_^

Spock would use his logic to run circles around Mal. After awhile of listening to him, Mal would send him to speak with Inara or Book after growing impatient ^_^

CLETUSMUSASHI

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:15 AM

Kirk was only effective against villains who fought in slow motion like he did. If the altercation took place at modern fight scene speed, Kirk would still be circling with his arms spread, waiting for that ctitical moment when Mal would throw a horribly overextended right hook and teeter forward off balance so that Kirk could raise his hands together for the traditional two-fisted whatchamacallit. Mal is no superhero, but I think he's quick enough to handle Kirk's style, especially since he'd cheat. Now Sisko, of course, would flatten Mal. Sisko versus Jayne, or Tauress versus Zoe, or maybe Badger versus Quark, now those would be good fights!
Why do I suddenly feel like I'm twelve?

I'll be in my bunk.

CLETUSMUSASHI

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:15 AM

Oops. Double post.

I'll be in my bunk.

EMBERS

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:28 AM

yeah I'm totally going with Mal:
he wouldn't hesitate to bite, or kick...
or hit with a wrench.

Kirk would never want to be caught hitting below the belt, but Mal would definitely fight dirty.

And of course if they had back up, Spock would be trying to pinch people's nerves while Zoe & Jayne would show up with heavy weapons fire.

I'll give Kirk credit for courage and imagination, but Mal has guile and desperation and nothing to lose.

**********************************************
watch the R. Tam Session vids: http://www.hittarivertam.nu/
and buy the 'Serenity' comics published by Dark Horse!

IAMALEAFONTHEWIND

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:59 AM

At first I thought it would definately be Kirk, but then I thought about Mal fighting the Operative - he held up OK there. So then I think it's a tough call...

but in the end I think I gotta go with Kirk because the Enterprise has guns and Serenity doesn't.

"I don't wanna explode."

VENA

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 5:13 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by iamaleafonthewind:
At first I thought it would definately be Kirk, but then I thought about Mal fighting the Operative - he held up OK there. So then I think it's a tough call...

but in the end I think I gotta go with Kirk because the Enterprise has guns and Serenity doesn't.

"I don't wanna explode."

Then again Serenity does have Jayne and River...

I have to give my vote to Mal. If the life of his crew is on the line Kirk would be dead faster than you can spit.

Because I am an American. And what does an American want? Democracy? Capitalism. I want to sell out and settle down. For one day only, it's a blue light special on Aisle Three. My wormhole technology... and a free set of steak knives... for all the tea in China. And anything you can imagine to pay me... welcome to my cold war.

GUILDSISTER

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 5:42 AM

In a straight-up fistfight--no guns, no pipewrenches, no crews for backup--Kirk would kick Mal's ass. Kirk has better training and technique (like the Operative) So Kirk would be winning... right up until Kirk saw the opening to be agreeable and diplomatic and bring Serenity into the Federation. Mal would smile agreeably... and kill him.

Guildsister

DANTE144

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 2:04 PM

Uh..Kirk.

The Beauty of Mal's Character is that while he can stomp butt, he's a soldier and all,but he's just a normal person.

Kirk on the other hand ,when did he ever lose a fight? He was bigger than life. Even till he was old.

But Mal would proabably kick him in the nuts when Kirk wasn't looking(flirting with Zoe).

"Jesus saves, everyone else takes damage" -tee shirt some girl was wearing at Megacon.

http://dantedreams.com <-my webcomic

BROWNCOAT1

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 2:22 PM

Hands down Mal would win. Mal isn't going to give up and he has no qualms about fighting dirty to win.

__________________________________________

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

Richmond, VA & surrounding area Firefly Fans:

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/richmondbrowncoats/

http://www.richmondbrowncoats.org

UNREGISTEREDCOMPANION

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 2:23 PM

"Kirk-fu chop"

Hee hee hee...good one :)

Thanks for the laugh!

~~~~~
"Funny and sexy. You have no idea. And you never will."

LOGGERHEAD

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 2:23 PM

Why would anyone think Mal did well against the operative? Mal was outmatched and got his ass kicked twice. The only reason he didn't get killed in the second fight was due to the Operative's arrogance.

DONCOAT

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 2:56 PM

Kirk: "I'm sure any number of men here would be able to lend you a fist."

Mal: "A fwhat?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ain't about you, Jayne. It's about what they need.

FOLLOWMAL

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:01 PM

Perfect, DonCoat, perfect!

CYBERSNARK

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 3:55 PM

Mal. Kirk's fighting style is too flashy & showy; Mal knows how to fight dirty.

The real fight I'd pay to see would be Mal versus Makenzie Calhoun (from Peter David's New Frontiers series). Mack's known for K.O.ing people in mid-conversation. Even mid-word. Plus, he's an ex-soldier (from before he joined Starfleet). Peter David = Star Trek's equivalent of Joss.

Plus then we'd get:

Zoe versus Shelby. (Tie.)
Zak Kebron versus Jayne. (Zak wins by not doing anything; he just soaks up all of Jayne's bullets then breaks Jayne's knuckles with his face.)
Robin Lefler versus Kaylee. (Tie, they both quit fighting and wander off commiserating over guys not being able to get the hint.)
Si Cwan versus Simon (In a duel of foot-in-mouth. Simon wins.)
Dr. Selar versus Simon. (Not a fight, but a battle of elitist sarcasm. Selar wins [because she actually intends to insult people].)

I can't figure out if Mark McHenry would be a better foe for Wash (as the wacky pilot) or River (as the genius nutcase).

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

SOONERTHEBETTER

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:13 PM

Makes sense, actually, that they'd be enemies... Kirk and the Federation are exactly like the Alliance. Mal would fight to the death just on principle! ;-D I can see Mal winning, but only because Serenity/Firefly have more believable choreography. *G*

STILLSHINY

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:21 PM

Gave my answer in the Blue Sun Room.

"We had ties that could not be broken, except by the passing of time. Like a rock. A broken time rock. And you're very special to me, my broken time rock people." - Nathan Fillion

Stillshiny's Shop - I'm thinkin we rose again
http://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=4728
Hey! Did YOU buy one of my shirts? Tell me what ya think.... stillshiny@gmail.com

Listen to "The Signal" www.serenityfirefly.com

ZOOT

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 4:37 PM

I know you said fist fight, but I'm gonna go with Mal whipping out his six shooter and going for the great K's gutt, while Kirk's still doing whatever the hell he does with his Captain's log ...

***************************************

Okay, I'm lost, I'm angry, and I'm
armed.

IDRAWART

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 6:33 PM

LOL oh my god, reavers vs. tribbles.....I used to have a tribble and the model of NCC-1701, till my brother got in to blowin' things up...

RABBIT2

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 7:22 PM

Suppose the tribbles caught the Pax from the Reavers, Reaver Tribbles?

Kirk Vs Mal, Kirk would try his usual flying drop kick. Mal takes one step backwards, waits for Kirk to hit the ground and shoots him in the kneecap.

IDRAWART

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 7:31 PM

I smell a whole nother movie...in REAL trouble with tribbles....

I live the sky when it's just after sunset, that deep velvet blue.

NOSADSEVEN

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 9:25 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Guildsister:
In a straight-up fistfight--no guns, no pipewrenches, no crews for backup--Kirk would kick Mal's ass. Kirk has better training and technique (like the Operative) So Kirk would be winning... right up until Kirk saw the opening to be agreeable and diplomatic and bring Serenity into the Federation. Mal would smile agreeably... and kill him.

It's a good point you bring up here...Mal frequently gets his butt kicked, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he loses.

~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ain't. We. Just.

STEVESHURTLEFF

Monday, October 9, 2006 4:37 PM

Kirk and Mal in a brawl would just be odd, and while I know that's the point of this thread, I'd have to say that Mal squaring off against Han Solo would be far more interesting...

However, since it's not about Han and Mal, I'd have to say that Mal would be victorious over Kirk given his loathing of anything related to the government

ELDUSTO

Monday, October 9, 2006 5:01 PM

Kirk would win the fist fight with Mal, then Zoe would shoot Kirk, then Spock would do that Vulcan pinching knockout thing on Zoe, then Jayne would Hammer fist Spock for the win.

Of course, Mal would most likely shoot Kirk just as Kirk put up his fists.

http://www.geocities.com/neo_ultimate_d - The Homepage
http://www.myspace.com/eldusto - The Myspace page

DESKTOPHIPPIE

Monday, October 9, 2006 5:16 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by CletusMusashi:
In an old fashioned fist fight, Mal would win.
Reason?
He'd bring a gun.

I'll be in my bunk.

Hahahahaha! Very true!

More graphics available at www.desktophippie.com - yes, I've moved!

SPACEANJL

Monday, October 9, 2006 6:13 PM

Mal wouldn't hit Kirk. That's what he has Jayne for. And Kirk would be too busy smirking at Inara.

Have you guys read the piss-take in 'Finding Serenity?' Archer et al about to become the dinner cabaret for a reaver ship.

Reaver Tribbles?

....

Actually, I now have a crackfic...Kaylee. A li'l petshop/deli out on the Rim. And a basket of little custard-coloured furballs that she and River think are just so darn cute.

Of course, the first one that growled at Jayne would end up as a sandwich...

Has anyone written this? If not - Shall I write it?

(This is incidentally and actually a lot saner than anything else I've been plotting.)

DESKTOPHIPPIE

Monday, October 9, 2006 6:16 PM

*is scared*

Then by all means, go with that crackfic. I don't want to see the insaner stuff!

More graphics available at www.desktophippie.com - yes, I've moved!

SPACEANJL

Monday, October 9, 2006 6:26 PM

Best stay away from the Blue Sun Room, then.

I've been reading Pratchett, Neal Asher and Philip K Dick...and I've been reacquainting myself with my movie collection. *Hums 'Anything Goes* - the Chinese version*

WHIMSICALNBRAINPAN

Monday, October 9, 2006 7:11 PM

Mal, hands down (or fists up rather). I mean Mal has had a rough life and has an even rougher attitude. Kirk just sits in his chair and sends those poor saps in the red shirts out to die.

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle." http://whimsicalnbrainpan.blogspot.com/

JOSSISAGOD

Monday, October 9, 2006 8:06 PM

Mal would SO kick Kirk's ass! I think Kirk would be too busy talking in that slow stunted dialect of his, to notice the K.O. sucker punch Mal would be throwing his way.

Fe'nos Tol
JOSSIS(Most Definitely)AGOD

Self appointed Forsaken! Been on the list for a while now!
98% of teens have smoked pot, if you are one of the 2% that haven't, copy this into your signature.
"Look at me, I'm STUPID!" The Doctor.

KANEMAN

Monday, October 9, 2006 9:05 PM

Kirk always wins a fist fight...Mal gets bailed out to often. I gotta go with kirk...and damn was he handsome in his younger years!!!!!!
What about Han solo?

BROWNCOATJIM

Monday, October 9, 2006 9:48 PM

mal would kick the crap out of Kirk, simply because, while Kirk may be better trained, and all such, Mal is a back-alley scuffler. When Kirk was expecting a haymaker, he'd be surprised by a kick in the balls.........all my money goes on Mal.

WE'RE GONNA CRASH? I DON'T WANNA CRASH!

FWBBROWNCOAT

Monday, October 9, 2006 10:00 PM

Shamrock Vs. Ortiz...Reynolds vs. Kirk...Tough to call, but, I think the younger would win. Ortiz and Reynolds, that's who I'd put my money on.

"Come a day there won't be room for naughty men like us to slip about at all." - Malcolm Reynolds

MINK

Monday, October 9, 2006 10:09 PM

Mal belongs to the George Washington underdog school of fighting: you don't have to win, you just have to not lose. He takes the abuse and hangs in there until circumstances turn in his favor.

OK, how about River Tam v. Obi-Wan Kenobi?

It's okay to leave them to die.

ETHAN

Monday, October 9, 2006 10:35 PM

Quote:

OK, how about River Tam v. Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Obi-wan. But if you gave River a little face time with Yoda, she'd be the most powerful Jedi in the universe...in which case I'd take River in .0000001 parsecs.

Now back to Mal and Kirk. Pretty much anybody in the Star Trek universe would take down Mal in a straight up fist fight-from Kirk on down to Counselor Troi. The important thing is in the end Mal will always get the girl and the sexy scars to brag about. And that is the most important thing.

BROWNCOATSANDINISTA

Monday, October 9, 2006 11:02 PM

If Mal was fighting a war, not like the brawl in Train Job but like in the movie or pilot, he'd kill Kirk. But what's this about him hating the government? He's simply ambivalent towards them, except when they're trying to make people...Better. So, in that sense, yeah Kirk's screwed. He'd be like what was said above me, expecting the haymaker and not seeing the kick to the balls, or head butt, or screwdriver, or elbow to the neck, etc. etc. and so forth. That's why Mal's got it.

"I'm not going to say Serenity is the greatest SciFi movie ever; oh wait yes I am." - Orson Scott Card

TERRI

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 5:23 AM

Okay, I say we're looking at about a draw here. Mostly because neither one are strong at hand to hand fighting. I would love to see Zapp Branagin versus Mal. Or even better: Leela vs. Zoe. I would pay to see that. As far as the Batman v. Supe argument I saw earlier... I call Batman just because he's more hardcore than Supe. Supe would be all like, Bruce (whomp), why are you doing this (whomp) have you been taken over by Braniac (whomp)? All while Batman is punching him in the face, and then, on top of all that, Bruce is rich, so he's bound to have some kyrptonite on him somewhere. Supe would just have to get much more hardcore for him to beat Supe in a fight. Of course, kill Pa Kent, and it's on.

Like a microphone.

THESOMNAMBULIST

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 6:39 AM

Well I reckon Mal would take the mother of all beatin's with this one, but I also think he would win.

Mal's thing is to lull the opponent into complacency , then when it counts, he delivers the requisite 'killer' punch.

www.cirqus.com

NESSANZ

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 8:35 AM

Mal vs young Kirk

As much as I love the young Kirk, I would have to go with Mal.

Kirk would be trying to reason with Mal, Mal would just humor him by pretending to care about what he's saying and then, wham....... out of the blue Mal would take him, right on his glass jaw.

If Kirk popped back up then Zoe and Jayne would just take him out.

Nothing wrong with an unfair fight as long as your the winner. Better them than you, right Mal.

Honestly, there could be tears.

DIRTWEED

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 10:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by ethan:
Quote:

OK, how about River Tam v. Obi-Wan Kenobi?

Obi-wan. But if you gave River a little face time with Yoda, she'd be the most powerful Jedi in the universe...in which case I'd take River in .0000001 parsecs.

1 Parsec = 3.08568025 × 10 to the 16th meters

Parsec is not a measurement of time.

Now Obi-Wan Vs. River. Obi-Wan is a great Jedi, but wouldn't River now what he is thinking and going to do ahead of time.....Hmmmmm.

Dirtweed

Val

FIREFLYMAD

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 12:25 PM

mal cant fight for shit, but he would were him down by breaking kirks fists with his face, anyway jane would finish him off.

CYBERSNARK

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 9:38 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Terri:
As far as the Batman v. Supe argument I saw earlier... I call Batman just because he's more hardcore than Supe. Supe would be all like, Bruce (whomp), why are you doing this (whomp) have you been taken over by Braniac (whomp)? All while Batman is punching him in the face, and then, on top of all that, Bruce is rich, so he's bound to have some kyrptonite on him somewhere.

Actually, Bruce does have the kryptonite ring that Lex Luthor used to have. Superman gave it to him precisely because he knows Batman would be prepared to kick his ass if he went berserk.

Of course, Batman has emergency plans in place to take out everyone. That's what got him kicked out of the JLA for a while, before everyone realized they shouldn't have been surprised.

He is the Goddamned Batman, after all.

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

BROWNCOATJIM

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 11:16 PM

I agree, Batman is a nasty bastard way down deep............how about Batman and Wolverine?

My money is always on Wolverine!

WE'RE GONNA CRASH? I DON'T WANNA CRASH!

TERRI

Tuesday, October 10, 2006 11:35 PM

Wolverine, hands down. I mean, I love them both, they're both wicked badasses. But Wolverine is just hardercore than Batman. And not in the attitude depo. No, it's the fact that you just can't kill Logan. That sonfabitch is unstoppable.

FURTHURCAT

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 12:00 AM

i thought canadians didn't believe in violence(unless they're hockey players)

MYCROFTXXX

Wednesday, October 11, 2006 1:08 AM

I'd have to go with Mal on this one, especially if it was his crew at stake. Kirk, on the other hand just orders up a new red shirt for the last one got hisself killed. Mal would fight dirty. Kirk would come in with one of his fisticuffs to Mal's jaw. He'd connect but we know Mal can take it. Mal'd simply stomp down on Kirk's kneecap, turning it into red pulp. Down goes Kirk all busted up and just to make sure he stays down, Mal'd kick the living sh** out of Kirk one last time.

'Course after the fight, Mal'd say something like "Oh was that supposed to be a fistfight? Sorry 'bout that", wipes the blood from the corner of his mouth and walks away, crew all saved.

"Report!"

--

Given a choice between the earth-that-is and the 'verse-that-will-be I'll take the latter.

宁静