To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29990
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RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:51 AM

I've escaped another thread that I created called "I Don't Care what you believe, just believe" and some Christians hijacked it for there own personal bible study, so I left. Too bad...it was a good thread. ***Be warned. If you are a Christian, and if you come into this thread thumping your bible all over the place, you will be attacked in a cyber fashion and fed to cyber lions.***

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life. What makes you get up in the morning and face the day? What makes you hang in there when the going looks grim in your lives? Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in your head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?
Why do you do it...what's so special about life and living?

River

LANKSTERBROWNCOAT

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:25 AM

Just curious......Do you by chance frequent the City of Heroes forums?
I ask because your avatar in your sig. and the tone of your posts are very similar to those of a person on those boards.
If not, then sorry to ask.

"You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. 'Cause as sure as I know anything, I know this: they will try again. ...they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave." - Mal

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 7:46 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by LanksterBrowncoat:
Just curious......Do you by chance frequent the City of Heroes forums?
I ask because your avatar in your sig. and the tone of your posts are very similar to those of a person on those boards.
If not, then sorry to ask.

"You all got on this boat for different reasons, but you all come to the same place. So now I'm asking more of you than I have before. Maybe all. 'Cause as sure as I know anything, I know this: they will try again. ...they'll swing back to the belief that they can make people... better. And I do not hold to that. So no more running. I aim to misbehave." - Mal

No, but thanks for asking. I stole this SIG from some person on the BSG board...cool huh! In the gaming world, epecially in FPS I am known as ScandalQwK and play TFC, DOD, COD, Medal of Honor, and sometimes AVP2 whenever i get kinda edgy. And I'm a wingman for Arrow Squadron in Lock On! I've thought about joining the City of Heros, but I'm just into killing things...you know, fight or flight? That's my story. I'm sort of a one-of-a-kind kind of gal that doesnt seem like she fits anywhere. It's sort of sad and pathetic when you think about it, but thank god for the internet. My mission if any, is to be queen of the cyber skies.

Anyway, What makes you get up and fight life everyday? Why do you even bother? tell me, maybe I might learn something.

River

NUCLEARDAY

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 10:22 AM

Well, there is a notable shortage of options on the one hand ;p No matter what happens in life you can either off yourself, lose yourself in your sorrows and shut yourself off from society, or just keep plowing on ahead.

Personally, the reason I wake up every morning is 'cause the first two options don't seem like much of an option at all. Dying's sort of a one-way street and I'm going to get there regardless, and stewing in my own pity is but a step up from that. In my own limited life experiences I've had a plethora of opportunities for both, and I've certainly spent my share of time wallowing in a dark hole.

I figure the world's a pretty scary place most times, but it's one I'm in at the moment so there's really nothing else but to make the most of it. Gotta have the grim times so you can appreciate the good parts. (Plus I've got my framed picture of Kaylee sitting atop my monitor to remind me that everything's all gonna work out shiny in the end, and be real cute besides :)

Honestly, there's a tendency to look at people and think that everyone else has their together, but that's just an illusion. We put on a good face when we go out in the morning 'cause if you act like you know what you're doing, you find that on occasion you actually do :)

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

THESOMNAMBULIST

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:01 PM

Hey RiveR6213

Sounds like you may want to read: The Myth of Sisyphus by Albert Camus

It's an interesting read that kinda asks the questions you've just asked.

This is something I'd love to get into with you, but I'm at work and I haven't the time presently.

Perhaps later.

Cheers
TheSomnambulist

www.cirqus.com

MSCKAREN

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 12:15 PM

Flowers and music and all the stuff I haven't done yet. I'm not afraid to die but I'm not so sure these things will be available to me afterwards. There might be better things waiting but, for now, I'm enjoying THIS journey.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Appears they've cancelled the show and we're still here. What does that make us?"
"Big damn junkies, Sir!"
"Ain't we just."
http://karenallover.blogspot.com/

OTMA

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:21 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I've escaped another thread that I created called "I Don't Care what you believe, just believe" and some Christians hijacked it for there own personal bible study, so I left. Too bad...it was a good thread.

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life. What makes you get up in the morning and face the day? What makes you hang in there when the going looks grim in your lives? Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in you head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?

River

I've been through some grim looking times. Why am I still flying?
Imagination and creativity help a lot. I have a number of creative outlets, including art, music and writing. I also play role playing games. Not computer games, the old paper and dice games like Dungeons and Dragons, Space Opera, and the shiny Serenity RPG. I know some people don't take rpg gaming seriously, but it doesn't have to be all "I kick down the door and waste the orc with my crossbow!" all the time. It's amazing how many issues and questions you can work through and fantasies you can explore with a character who you control, but who isn't you.
Still, I can't say these things are the main reason I'm still here. No matter how bad things have looked, I have honestly never given "Bullet in the brainpan! Squish!" a serious consideration. I simply cannot believe that things can't get better. I am much better off now than I have been in the past, not perfect, but better. I hold the line because I want my life, I want what comes next, even though I know some of it won't be good. I believe the future holds things worth today's pain. Believe you have things to do, things to see. Believe there is someone out there you may not even have met yet whose life will be better for you being in it. Believe Firefly is coming back, and you don't want to miss it when it does. I don't care what you believe, just believe something! If reality sucks for now, use your imagination (you're here, you obviously have some) and make yourself a better world!
My imagination does take a dark turn now and then, but I want to see the good in things. I like places like this, where the people are all shiny like and it feels like home even if you can't put faces to the names. When it hurts, I spend my time where it doesn't.
And I just have too much Kaylee in me to stay depressed forever, and too much Mal to give up.

DANIELFYRE

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:40 PM

What makes people tick? I suppose its different for everyone. I think people look for things to live for and what they live for at any one point may change. Right now I'm living to make something of myself because quite frankly I'm not ready to see what's on the other side yet and I want to make those around me including myself proud. I'm young and still have a lot to experience and I intend to before I meet my maker. I want as someone said before to affect someone else's life in a very personal and important way. I want to become a nurse so that I can be doing this every day and just...matter. For me I live for others.

-Dan

Ain't that just shiny?

COPILOT

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:56 PM

I love life right now. I have a home and a foutain of love sitting here. Sometimes I wonder if you River are experimenting on us. Life and love are the reason I wake up in the morning. I'm watching my president on T.V. and significant other is doing an impression of said president so it's a lot less scary that he's a fraking moron. Life sucks and is really frightening so my advice to you my darling is just love, love everyone and it will all be okay. Yes this a head in the sand point of view but I can't change the entire world I can only change my world.

An I carried such a torch

ROB150185

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 3:56 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in you head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?

River

The reason I get up in the morning?
I have a nation of benefit frauds and scroungers to pay for. If I didn't get up and go to work, how would they fend for themselves? It gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside to know that they can stay at home because I get up at 6am and try to provide for my family, whilst the Government takes half my salary and gives it to them who can't be arsed.

Nah, I have a fiancee that I love, and a newborn that I want to provide for. I don't expect anyone else to pay for me. Simple.
That's why I can't pack it all in. I'm the one holding the damn line.

I'll be in my bunk...

CHRISISALL

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:18 PM

I live to see a day when the stupid, short-sighted and narrow-minded are not running this world anymore (this ensures that I'll live forever)

Seriously, there have been moments in my life where just wanting to see the third Star Wars flick, not yet released, kept me from 'squish'. It can be as small a thing as that, or as big a thing as having my Wife and Son at my side (which I had no idea was gonna come to pass, lo those many years ago when I was wondering whether breathing was all that necessary a thing...)

It's not always rosey, but like Darkness said in 'Legend', "I am a part of you all.."
Life is suffering. And other stuff.
I hang in there.
Some of the other stuff is really cool.

Is that any kind of answer?

The bi-polar to some/even tempered to others Chrisisall

P.S. I am in very low spirits this morning, but that's okay; I acknowledge it without succumbing to it. The weather changes like my moods.

SADLITTLEKING

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:27 PM

I bother to get up in the morning cause I hope today will be a good day. Hope is all I have left. I mean, I'd be really pissed if I killed myself and then SURPRISE! I won the lottery....but I'm dead now so I can't collect. Now that would really suck.

CHRISISALL

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:31 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by TheSomnambulist:

This is something I'd love to get into with you, but I'm at work and I haven't the time presently.

Perhaps later.

Hey! Somnambulist! Long time no wave!
I hope to read your actual answer to River's question soon, however, I know it will be worth the wait.

Chrisisall

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:37 PM

All of you fine people are adding really good answers to my question. Some person here said that she thought that I might be experimenting on all of you...the answer to that is no, I'm not. I'm honestly curious as to what is keeping people going in life. What makes them get out of bed and engage the world over, and over, and over again?

For a lot of people, life is about their children, or their homes, or their loved ones etc. It seems that having someone, or something to protect seems to always top the list as being the driving force that keeps them going.

Some of the things I've learned about myself are:

1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.

2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.

3. Religion is a mute point with me.

4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.

5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.

6. I'm not afraid of death or dying.

7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.

8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.

9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.

Anyway, I’m sure there's more, but that's what I came up with, which as you can see the reason why I started this thread. I'm just curious about what all of you find so important about life, and living.

River

BTW Who owns this website anyway?

ISAACSHEPHERD

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:48 PM

In response to your question one thought I have is curiosity. What will today hold? My friends reguard me as a sort of wise storyteller cause I always have a story (no I'm not a journalist or anything), but I am always looking for something that makes life interesting. The world could explode or we could all of a sudden have world peace by the stupid people disappearing, ya never know.
One great thing about life is, at least for me it is different every day. I pay attention to the little things a lot of people look over and I try not to take things for granted, so each day is new, even though I go to work and school about every day. No matter how life sucks sometimes, or is awesome it always balances out one way or another.
Love is another thing that keeps me moving as well. I don't think anyone could have said it better than in the end of Serenity the movie.

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

THEREALME

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:48 PM

Why get up in the morning?

Well, I'll confess that there are days I don't!

But the next day I get moving. I do it because my will is strong enough that it does not allow me to give up completely. I MAKE MYSELF MOVE. I have considered suicide during my life, but never seriously and not recently.

I have been asking the same questions as you for decades now, and I'm not certain that I will get an answer.

But I do not give up. Becasue if I give up, then there is no hope of anything better. You see, I still have hope.

I do know that the answer for me is within me. Nobody, nothing, can MAKE me happy. No new toy will satisfy me for long. I once thought that a serious romantic relationship would change my life for the better, but then I discovered that I needed to love myself before I could expect another to love me.

My own attitude, my own way of looking at life, is what keeps me unhappy. Of course, the habits of a lifetime are hard to change, but I've been doing it very gradually, chipping away at it. Ultimately, I am responsible for my own life. It is composed of the decisions that I make.

For me, I need to connect to other people. Early in my life, I had taken steps to protect myself from pain, but this only served to isolate me from others. I was very, very safe. And very, very lonely. Isolated and alone, even in a crowd of friends.

Over the last few years, I have gone out of my way to meet new folks (where I had previously restricted myself to a small group of friends). Coming here was one step on my road to self-improvement, in fact.

I have looked at some of the religious debates that have popped up in your earlier thread(s). I am not a religious person. I do not go to church regularly or advocate a particular belief. I am certain that my good friend Rat (and I do consider him a friend) would shake his head at me. But I try to live as Jesus did. Trying to help people. Trying to love.

I don't always get it right. But hey, I'm only human.

I don't know if these words apply at all to your condition, and they certainly don't match my usual eloquence, but I hope they have been of some help.

Best wishes to you!

- Ed

P.S. Oh, and no offense intended, but you can hardly post a thread about belief without expecting some people with strongly held religious convictions to respond. You had asked what works for people, and for those people, it works.

THESOMNAMBULIST

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:52 PM

(cont...)

To answer your question as to why I wake and go through the same ol' same ol' I guess it's because I wanna see how the mystery pans out.

I'm all for philosophysing and wondering about the universe and stuff and how we fit into it all , if at all, but truth be known I hope we never find out the answer, and I hope I never look upon life and think:
"Yup I got it figured out.."
For surely that will reduce life to a bitesize formula, a canned goods product if you like.

I love the mystery, the scare, the thrills the longing, the wonderment and the mind bending ramifications of our present solitude in the cosmos.

I love the idea that maybe we are a phenomenon, unique, a chance hic-cup, and that in fact we are totally alone in this ever expanding universe.

But aside form the grand, there are the finer details that just stop you dead in your tracks and make you marvel at how things work:

The patch of moss that clings to a damp wall in search of life inspite of the concrete around it. The fact that they manage to get chocolate chips into chocolate chip cookies without them melting. The fact that a brunette can make my heart skip a beat from thirty paces, then dismiss me with the ease of fluttering her eye lashes....

Poetry

...But most of all I face the day and the impending days because it is all I have. It may be shrouded in mystery and doubt but I kinda like it that way. In time we will all sucumb to death... so there's no need to hurry it along.

Oh and E minor - just about the best chord there is!

Cheers
TheSomnambulist

www.cirqus.com

PIZMOBEACH

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 4:58 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
What makes you get up in the morning and face the day? What makes you hang in there when the going looks grim in your lives? Why get up? Why not just put a bullet in you head and get this thing called life over with? What makes you want to fight for a better day? What makes you hold the line?

Season 3

Scifi movie music + Firefly dialogue clips, 24 hours a day - http://www.scifiradio.net

THESOMNAMBULIST

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by TheSomnambulist:

This is something I'd love to get into with you, but I'm at work and I haven't the time presently.

Perhaps later.

Hey! Somnambulist! Long time no wave!
I hope to read your actual answer to River's question soon, however, I know it will be worth the wait.

Chrisisall

Hey Chrisisall

Good to see you about fella! I just got down to your thread. Bang on about the next instalment of Star Wars

you made me smile....

I think I should add a little addendum to my second note, it is:

To see 'Chrisisall junior' and 'The Somnambulist junior' choreograph the stuntwork on some future flick in 2020

You doing alright bud?

The Somnambulist

www.cirqus.com

GLOBLABSURDITY

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:26 PM

I watched a very interesting DVD over this past weekend that you might enjoy River. It's called 'What the Bleep Do We Know'. It's about quantum physics and it's infinite possibilities in relation to why we exist, etc. There isn't a patent answer given--just possibilities. Really makes you think deeply and in new directions. At least--it did for me. If you check it out--I hope you enjoy.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

TIGER

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 5:58 PM

[deleted]

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:25 PM

Drat!
My last thread got beamed into Troll Country!

WHO RUNS THIS WEBSITE!!!!!

ODDNESS2HER

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:28 PM

I've found solace in the words of Dorothy Parker:

Razors pain you;
rivers are damp;
acids stain you;
and drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful, nooses give;
gas smells awful;
you might as well live.

RIVER6213

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:29 PM

Pardon me if I didn't understand any of what you just said.
River

ODDNESS2HER

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 9:44 PM

Well, it's just a silly bit of verse, pay it no mind.

GLOBLABSURDITY

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 1:30 AM

Those are all ways of committing suicide--none of which are pretty. So--to live is the only other choice or preferable choice. According to the verse.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

RIVER6213

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 3:48 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by globlabsurdity:
Those are all ways of committing suicide--none of which are pretty. So--to live is the only other choice or preferable choice. According to the verse.

*Never judge a book by it's movie*
*The heart is an artist that paints over what profoundly disturbs it, leaving on the canvas a less dark,less sharp version of the truth*--D.Koontz (Forever Odd)

Oh, so that's what he was talking about. As you can see, I'm not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Since you brought it up, yes, I guess in a way, when I really look at it, I guess I have been planning to commit suicide. But it’s also good that I'm the sort to talk a lot, and I hear that people who shoot their mouths off about suicide never really want to do it, so maybe I'm one of those people.

I started this failing thread to get ideas regarding what makes people get up in the morning over and over again. I was hoping to get a few ideas, but I suppose that in the end it’s really up to me to figure it all out on my own. No one can do that for me. No Doctors, no therapists, can ever begin to help me unless I let them, and it’s really funny but I don’t know how to allow myself to be help. Isn’t that strange? I think it is. I guess it’s a matter of being interested in something hard enough, that you want to stick around, but so far, I haven’t found anything that makes me want to stick around. Everything is rather bland and uninteresting. What a state of mind I have. Behold, look what I’ve created!

I wake up every morning wondering why I even bothered to wake up. I go to my job, and on the way there I see other people going to their jobs, and to me it really looks all so pointless...its like we are these little army ants of function: Go to work, pay our bills, eat our food, drink our coffee, drink our tea, drink our beer or wine. Watch a movie, deal with assholes, wash our cloths, brush our teeth, clean our homes, argue about things that are happening 5,000 miles away and have nothing to do with us personally, but the news media in its wisdom decided to get us to worry about it anyway. Sit at our computers, talk to our friends, yell at the kids, etc… It all seems so pointless, so mechanical. Meaningful acts without any meaning. That’s how it looks to me. I’m trying to figure out just when I changed personalities.

Year ago, I did all of those things mentioned above without really thinking about it. It was the normal thing to do, and you just did it because those were the things you did, and each part of the things that you did added up into a whole life and it had meaning.

Years ago I was just like everyone else. Years ago I was normal, or at least doing what everyone else was doing and not standing out, not behaving in an ostentatious manner. Years ago I would have never gone into a chat room like I’m doing right this second, and aired all my dirty laundry to people I didn’t know . It really is starting to look like I’m craving some serious attention from you people here, and everywhere else I go. I suspect I’m craving something no one on this planet is able to give me. It’s something that we have to give ourselves, and I don’t even know what it is…so much for being intelligent.

Also, I am not surprised that a lot of the people here avoid me or don’t wish to chat with me. To them, I must be a raving maniac, a crazy person, a mentally ill person, a drama queen who wants attention like some kind of dysfunctional child. Reading something from someone who’s lost it really can be embarrassing, and I completely understand because this would have been my reaction years ago if I had been into chat rooms and I read all the strange stuff that coming from a girl named River6213. I would have ignored her also. She would have came off as a whining losers, crybaby, weakling, and I wouldn’t have wanted to have anything to do with that, or her.

So now I have to figure out what to do next. Going and seeing therapists is not work too well for me, and I don’t dare mention to them about having s

THEREALME

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 4:34 AM

Well, I'm here and I'm still talking to you. I do not find the situation amusing in the least.

I sincerely hope that you reconsider, and if I can do something to help, then I will. Let me know. I've been through some dark times in my life, and I have been on the brink, when life seemed worthless. But in fact, it is the most precious gift that exists.

It is true that you are the key. Probably, you have acted in ways to drive people away from you. I did that myself. I needed distance to feel safe, and I was. Nobody could hurt me, but that was because nobody could touch me. I decided that I would rather have human company.

You could act in a different way. Seek out people. Find a hobby that you can engage in with others.

For me, it was roleplaying games. I could pretend that I was someone else. Someone happy, or brave, or confident, or whatever. In fact, this allowed me to practice these things, and I was able to apply it in my real life. I could experiment with feelings, which I had typically not allowed myself to feel. We have a silly roleplaying group here, a shared writing universe called the Sereni-Tree. You may join us if you like.

Not for you? Okay, but I'm sure that there is something.

Get to know the people in this site's chat room. There are wonderful folks here. Real living breathing people.

Find a friend. Someone that you do not drive away. Observe your own actions and try to see when you are about to do this. I hardly noticed my actions when I was doing it.

Good luck.

NUCLEARDAY

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 1:09 PM

Alot of what you talk about rings familiar to me. I'm no head-shrinker, and I don't know you beyond what you've posted here. But it does sound like you have a chemical imbalance of some sort. This runs all through my family (paranoid schizophrenia with my brother, bipolar in my mother and my sister, while I seem to have ended up with plain old depression.) I know it's never any help at all to hear that you're not the only person going through what you are, and that for me it only ever made things worse. But I want to be clear that I'm speaking from experience, here. I know what it's like not see any point in doing anything, and spending weeks/ months lazing in a funk 'cause nothing seems worth the effort. I also know that it doesn't have to be that way.

It'd also be highly presumptious of me to think I'm going to single-handedly bring you out of your funk. You know that's something only you can do. But I also can't turn a blind eye to someone who's obviously having a spot of trouble in their life.

I hope your talk of suicide is a cry for help, and that you choose not to go through with any plans. (Also, overdosing is nowhere near as peaceful as you think.) Please, before you take any steps towards suicide find someone, anyone to talk to. Death is a one-way road and you're worth giving yourself a chance to find a sympathetic ear.

I also understand your reluctance to seek help from a doctor, or to confide in your family. But know that if you decide to go it your own, that you're also taking the harder path. It's not impossible, I've found, to learn to live with your demons, but will need tools to help you through it.

First off, know your enemy. I recommend reading up on mental health, know why you feel the way you do, and know why it's not your fault. It's a long road to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel (I'm not even saying there is one, only that it's possible to keep putting one foot in front of the other.)

I'd also recommend reading up on meditation and/or yoga. If you're going to eschew seeing a shrink or taking medication, you'll need to learn control. It won't come easy, but depression is mostly about habit. Nothing feels important because that's how you're used to feeling. Just like any other habit, the longer it goes on, the deeper a groove it's formed in your brain. You're never going to just "snap out of it." But you can train yourself to find a balance.

Also, it's trivial, but it helped me out to some extent. There's a video out there called "What the Bleep do We Know?" (the bleep is part of the title.) Deals with questions like the meaning of life, etc in the context of quantum physics and current scientific theories. There's some interesting stuff there about emotional addiction, the impact your outlook has on your life, etc. It's nothing crazy like scientology or anything, just the cold hard science. Shows how regardless of whether there's someone flying this crazy universe or not, there can still be meaning to living in it.

Seriously, you're worth the effort of trying to pull yourself out of this. It's not easy (nothing worth having ever is) but it's possible. I don't expect to be saving your life or anything here, or having much of an impact either way. But for what it's worth, don't give up hope. Don't be so hard on yourself, don't feel bad about using the online community to vent your feelings, and remember not to give up.

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

SIXSHOOTER

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 4:02 PM

Damn, now there is the last thing I expected to see on the message boards for a canceled telly show.

Well now, RiveR6213,

Here’s the thing, in the ocean, there’s this little creature called the sea squirt.
See, when a baby sea squirt hatches from the egg, it’s this little tadpole like thing.
With a brain to think with, choices to make, a sense of self.
But, all it does is just swim around looking for a comfortable rock to cling on to.
And, once it finds the perfect rock, it’s there for the big haul, for life.
It has everything it will ever need on this rock; the food just comes floating right into its mouth.
The sea squirt doesn’t need to think anymore.
And so, once it’s attached to the rock, it begins to eat its brain.

And about two years or so ago, that's what I pretty much expected of myself.

I ain't really smart or pretty, I was never partially good at anything like sports or whatnot. My old man does quite well and owns his own business and so I got hired as an office monkey right out of school because I probably wasn't gonna get anything else.

I never was one for religion myself neither, I mean, I was brought up Irish Catholic, did the whole kit and caboodle of conformation, reconciliation etc. etc. etc.
But that was more for my grandparents sake, the idea of it all never clicked with me, shit, it'd be nice to think there was some all powerful being above me making sure all was good, but way I see it, there ain't.

And I never had many friends, I have a few, but moving around a lot, I grew up fairly isolated and my old man and me have a real 'cats and the cradle' relationship.

As soon as I left school I found I could distance myself from my friends nearly completely, and so I did, stopped answering calls, had my phone switched off nearly all the time.
At work I didn't speak to anyone much, and so I basically retreated from the world.

But what makes you and me different I guess is, death. That’s the one thing I’ve always been afraid of. Blackness. Nothing. Scared the shit of me since I was five years old.

So I'd sit there in bed with the TV on and just watch. I had always had trouble sleeping so I’d watch until exhaustion took me.
And that’s how I’d spend the days I wasn't working.
Lying there, eating my brain, only moving to piss, shit, eat, shower and work.

I lived like that for six months.
I was completely safe from anyone or anything upsetting me, frightening me, and hurting me, nothing was going to come close and I that was how I wanted it.

But then some mates of mine just one day showed up out of the blue, barged in my room, told me we ain’t done anything for ages and dragged me out of bed.
Like I said, I kept to myself a lot, so they didn’t know about the funk I had gotten myself into, they were just there to catch up.
They pulled me to a movie, then a bar, got me plastered and we wound up at a park and shot the breeze about absolute nonsense till the sun came up.

And that’s all it took.
The next day I was hung over, absolutely exhausted, but for the first time in a long time, I was really happy.

I realized that yeah, you don’t need friends.
And yeah, all family really means deep down is that you got someone’s brown eyes and another’s predisposition to heart failure.
Yeah, out there you’re gonna run into a lot of shitty, scummy, arsehole people who are gonna make life hard and hurt you.
No, you don’t need to associate with another soul in the world.

You mightn’t need other people, but hey, they sure as hell make life a whole lot more interesting.
And believe it or not, some of them are really are good fun to be around.

Now, there isn’t a grand plan, none of this means anything, us nobodies, we aren’t going to have monuments erected to us, hell, maybe nobody will put flowers on my grave when I’m gone.

But y’know what? Fuck it. The pointlessness is not the point at all.

You just need to try to get as much fun out of it all as you can.
Live as hard you can.
Have a fucking ball. Go out, call those friends of yours, and if yo

CHRISISALL

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 4:14 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

I suspect I’m craving something no one on this planet is able to give me. It’s something that we have to give ourselves, and I don’t even know what it is…

Finding out is the adventure (and the hard work). If you leave now you'll have to start all over from scratch.

Get into Buddhism. Watch Star Trek The Motion Picture. Buy a puppy.
Stay with us here.

Chrisisall

ZEEK

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 5:03 PM

I say ISAACSHEPHERD nailed it. Curiosity is the key. That's what made humans reach the top of the food chain. We're constantly trying to figure things out and see what happens next. I didn't know I'd get to talk to a hot chick on the elevator ride to my office this morning. It was a nice way to start the day though. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, but I want to find out. Sure it might be bad, but it might be good too.

I think curiosity is the number one reason. Though I think there are others too. You have to have something you're looking forward to. Whether it's a trip, buying a house, waiting for Serenity 2 to come out, etc. There's got to be something in the distance that you're waiting to experience. So, if you're not looking forward to anything, then go out and find something you like. There will inevitably be something involved with that to look forward to.

CAUSAL

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 5:07 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
=***Be warned. If you are a Christian, and if you come into this thread thumping your bible all over the place, you will be attacked in a cyber fashion and fed to cyber lions.***

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life.

At the risk of being fed to the cyber lions...

I'm a normal, rational person and it is my Christianity that helps me survive day to day.

Note: not thumping any books, here, just saying.

________________________________________________________________________
I wish I had a magical wish-granting plank.

COZEN

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 5:20 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Anyway, What makes you get up and fight life everyday? Why do you even bother? tell me, maybe I might learn something.

Speaking from experience, 46 years worth and counting, this is what helps me through the worst days. Even the average to boring days: a sense of humour.

See, it's laugh or cry. Some would say mirror images of the same emotion. Well, fuck it, I'd rather laugh. Sometimes laugh at you, sometimes at "them", most often at myownself.

I do believe that Eric Idle got it right when he said, "Just remember that the last laugh is on you." I guess, and let me stress "guess", cuz I haven't ever assumed knowledge of every gorram thing, that Eric was on to something there, such that the act of laughter works wonders as a coping mechanism.

Heh: sounds awfully Readers' Digesty. To which I say: Fuck it! Works for me. Can't speak for you, or anyone else. Might not hurt to give laughter a try, is all. See, to answer the thread's central question, the potential of laughter is what enables me to fight life every day. To even bother.

Next.

***
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/llama.php

TEETHGRINDER

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 5:45 PM

Three words. 1.LOVE --(Mom and siblings / 3 younger sisters. If I do kill myself... How would they feel? Don't want them to blame themselves for what entirely is my own doing. I don't think I'm brave enough to really wanna find out. AND of course.... Firefly!) 2. HATE --If I'm hating somebody or something more than I hate myself... That's always a good sign for me. )
3. FEAR -- If there is a HELL... I don't think I'd wanna spend eternity there (I can't even stand hemorrhoids! )AND if indeed EVERYTHING ends when we die then... at least I wanna have a chance of being here if and when our Firefly flies again. After that... Who knows?

I'm almost entirely sure that I didn't help at all but yeah... That's my Top 3 reasons for waking up and getting out of bed. I was gonna make it 4 and put HOPE in as well but in my case..... it's NOT APPLICABLE.

SINGATE

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 6:37 PM

It's odd that you posted a picture of yourself wearing a cross. Why do you even own a cross? On several threads it seems you have disavowed Christianity. You know, "Satan is my God" and "I don't know any good Christians" or something to that effect. So what's the deal with that picture?

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

RIVER6213

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 6:54 PM

Because I was a Christian a long time ago and I had a lot of Jewelry from that time. I never throw anything away. I wear them now because they look attractive on me. No other reason but that.

The River That Was

ISAACSHEPHERD

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:00 PM

River6213,
I hope everything turns out ok. I wish there was more I could do my own self. When I come on this site I frequently enjoy some of the posts, like this one, you really make me think about my own life. I had to wonder for a bit because like you said earlier some of our habits become mechanical and we just do.
I think you are very hard on yourself about a lot of things. I think you may need help but I'm not necesarily talking about a psychiatrist, people here want to help you out as well. I think there are 6 billion people on this planet for a reason, cause we need socialization and each other. I can only hope that you will read this and respond. Perhaps what you need is a change of scenery since the same place seems to bore you. Have you always lived where you are now? Well I guess this is the end of my post. Hope to hear from you again.
IS

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

SINGATE

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:23 PM

Quote:
I never throw anything away.

So you kept a piece of jewelry which represents a religion you despise but discarded your friends and family. This appears to be a bit of a contradiction.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

RIVER6213

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 7:49 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by singate:
Quote:
I never throw anything away.

So you kept a piece of jewelry which represents a religion you despise but discarded your friends and family. This appears to be a bit of a contradiction.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

I never throw any material thing away. I collect everything, even things I nolonger want. I guess people are more expendable than material items. Thats rather funny and insane when you think about it.
My family and friends don't matter, or mean anything to me. I don't love them. They say they love me, but I don't need them. Relations with them offer myself nothing. The jewelry is something that looks attractive even if it represents a religion that I find somewhat...lacking. I still wear them because it is habit, and some habits are hard to break.

You will find that there are many thing things about me that is contradictory: I like the night, I hate the dark. I love you means I hate you. I wish to kill you but I want to save you. God loves me God hates me. And as usual, I have no one to blame for this...no one at all. It would be grand to be able to point at someone and say "This is all your fault, not mine" But its my fault, but the good side of it is that I know now what sort of creature I am. I know who's responsible for all of this.

I used to believe that everyone had some value as a human being. I used to believe that all people were worth saving. Now I do know the truth. Some people are worthless and are fully deserving of the title "Trash" a complete waste of life. I'm one of these people. The odd part is that it took me 44 years to learn this. I knew I was slow, but this is Ridiculous. I have prolonged my Existence way past the red line. I shouldnt even be here, but since I'm a chickens shit, this is going to take more time than I thought to snuff out this insane life that I lead. I have to have hope that I will be successful in the end.

Reality is when you find yourself in a chat room, telling everyone you are going to take your life. This has got to be the most unintelligent thing I've ever done in my whole life, and it also sums up just how far down the hole I've gone. past the point of no return, but, there are worse ways to make a fool of yourself, so I might as well count myself as lucky.

The River Falls

SISTERBETTYX

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 11:42 PM

You take yourself to seriously. Give the finger to everyone and do what you want honey.

“I don’t know. This here’s a spectacle might warrant a moment’s consideration.”

OTMA

Thursday, March 23, 2006 2:13 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

I never throw any material thing away. I collect everything, even things I nolonger want. I guess people are more expendable than material items. Thats rather funny and insane when you think about it.
My family and friends don't matter, or mean anything to me. I don't love them. They say they love me, but I don't need them. Relations with them offer myself nothing. The jewelry is something that looks attractive even if it represents a religion that I find somewhat...lacking. I still wear them because it is habit, and some habits are hard to break.

You will find that there are many thing things about me that is contradictory: I like the night, I hate the dark. I love you means I hate you. I wish to kill you but I want to save you. God loves me God hates me. And as usual, I have no one to blame for this...no one at all. It would be grand to be able to point at someone and say "This is all your fault, not mine" But its my fault, but the good side of it is that I know now what sort of creature I am. I know who's responsible for all of this.

I used to believe that everyone had some value as a human being. I used to believe that all people were worth saving. Now I do know the truth. Some people are worthless and are fully deserving of the title "Trash" a complete waste of life. I'm one of these people. The odd part is that it took me 44 years to learn this. I knew I was slow, but this is Ridiculous. I have prolonged my Existence way past the red line. I shouldnt even be here, but since I'm a chickens shit, this is going to take more time than I thought to snuff out this insane life that I lead. I have to have hope that I will be successful in the end.

Reality is when you find yourself in a chat room, telling everyone you are going to take your life. This has got to be the most unintelligent thing I've ever done in my whole life, and it also sums up just how far down the hole I've gone. past the point of no return, but, there are worse ways to make a fool of yourself, so I might as well count myself as lucky.

The River Falls

I don't know what kind of hell you're in. I don't know why you're there or what it feels like. I don't believe you only have one way out.
Why am I posting here? People all over the world who I've never met are living in various hells. Every day, some of them drop off for good without me noticing. It's not smart for me to be here. I don't know what to tell you. I can't reach out and fix your problems. Ai yah tien ah! I'm here because knowing changes everything. I know you're out there now. I can't pretend I don't. I won't believe you are worthless. Maybe you have damn good reasons to be depressed about yourself. I just hope you'll find something to hold on to. I don't really know you, I probably don't live in your hometown, probably won't ever meet you, don't have one single material thing to gain from you being around . . .but I honestly do care how this turns out. It might not be smart for me to care, but it's right.
You can end the rut your life is in without ending the life itself. I wish I could tell you how, but I don't know you well enough. You're smiling in that picture, though. I suppose not every smile is sincere, but I'll go with the idea it was, and that some part of you has to remember what it was like.
I'm glad you didn't stop posting today.
The cross is a much older and more widespread symbol than christianity. You can make yours mean whatever you want it to.
I think most people are contradictory in some way.
Just why is it you think you have so little value?

CHRISISALL

Thursday, March 23, 2006 4:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

The River Falls

Your creative change of signature suggests to me that you're here to stay for a while.

Think back to when you were 10 years old. Are you angry at that little girl for not killing herself, thus creating your horrible tenure on this planet?

Think about a possibly happy future you looking back at this very time and thinking "Wow, I was really wrapped up in that self-absorbed misery back then, I'm glad I was able to drop that (Or I never would have seen Serenity Resurrection: The Fall of the Alliance)".

It's all about perception. Trick yourself into believing that you're happy, just for an instant. Then do it again. Then again....

Just believe Chrisisall

SISTERBETTYX

Thursday, March 23, 2006 6:18 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

The River Falls
Quote:
Your creative change of signature suggests to me that you're here to stay for a while.

Think back to when you were 10 years old. Are you angry at that little girl for not killing herself, thus creating your horrible tenure on this planet?

Think about a possibly happy future you looking back at this very time and thinking "Wow, I was really wrapped up in that self-absorbed misery back then, I'm glad I was able to drop that (Or I never would have seen Serenity Resurrection: The Fall of the Alliance)".

It's all about perception. Trick yourself into believing that you're happy, just for an instant. Then do it again. Then again....

Just believe Chrisisall

You listen to him River6213. It's all about perception, and choice. It's all about what YOU want.

“I don’t know. This here’s a spectacle might warrant a moment’s consideration.”

NOTIFY: Y | REPLY | REPLY WITH QUOTE | PERMALINK | TOP | HOME

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 5:44 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by otma:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

I never throw any material thing away. I collect everything, even things I nolonger want. I guess people are more expendable than material items. Thats rather funny and insane when you think about it.
My family and friends don't matter, or mean anything to me. I don't love them. They say they love me, but I don't need them. Relations with them offer myself nothing. The jewelry is something that looks attractive even if it represents a religion that I find somewhat...lacking. I still wear them because it is habit, and some habits are hard to break.

You will find that there are many thing things about me that is contradictory: I like the night, I hate the dark. I love you means I hate you. I wish to kill you but I want to save you. God loves me God hates me. And as usual, I have no one to blame for this...no one at all. It would be grand to be able to point at someone and say "This is all your fault, not mine" But its my fault, but the good side of it is that I know now what sort of creature I am. I know who's responsible for all of this.

I used to believe that everyone had some value as a human being. I used to believe that all people were worth saving. Now I do know the truth. Some people are worthless and are fully deserving of the title "Trash" a complete waste of life. I'm one of these people. The odd part is that it took me 44 years to learn this. I knew I was slow, but this is Ridiculous. I have prolonged my Existence way past the red line. I shouldnt even be here, but since I'm a chickens shit, this is going to take more time than I thought to snuff out this insane life that I lead. I have to have hope that I will be successful in the end.

Reality is when you find yourself in a chat room, telling everyone you are going to take your life. This has got to be the most unintelligent thing I've ever done in my whole life, and it also sums up just how far down the hole I've gone. past the point of no return, but, there are worse ways to make a fool of yourself, so I might as well count myself as lucky.

The River Falls

I don't know what kind of hell you're in. I don't know why you're there or what it feels like. I don't believe you only have one way out.
Why am I posting here? People all over the world who I've never met are living in various hells. Every day, some of them drop off for good without me noticing. It's not smart for me to be here. I don't know what to tell you. I can't reach out and fix your problems. Ai yah tien ah! I'm here because knowing changes everything. I know you're out there now. I can't pretend I don't. I won't believe you are worthless. Maybe you have damn good reasons to be depressed about yourself. I just hope you'll find something to hold on to. I don't really know you, I probably don't live in your hometown, probably won't ever meet you, don't have one single material thing to gain from you being around . . .but I honestly do care how this turns out. It might not be smart for me to care, but it's right.
You can end the rut your life is in without ending the life itself. I wish I could tell you how, but I don't know you well enough. You're smiling in that picture, though. I suppose not every smile is sincere, but I'll go with the idea it was, and that some part of you has to remember what it was like.
I'm glad you didn't stop posting today.
The cross is a much older and more widespread symbol than christianity. You can make yours mean whatever you want it to.
I think most people are contradictory in some way.
Just why is it you think you have so little value?

To answer your question I have to give you a story.
No one gives a damn about me or my personal life, but to answer your question, I have to add all of this.

All of my life I was told I was going to fail. This was message was enhanced by my mother, who herself was an abused soul but a fighting spirit that was second to none. She had her mission, and that mission was to raise her chil

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 6:22 AM

Sorry for the long thread

SISTERBETTYX

Friday, March 24, 2006 6:27 AM

That's such a heartbreaking story River. I don't know what to say to any of that except for I hope Steven Spielberg hears about this.

“I don’t know. This here’s a spectacle might warrant a moment’s consideration.”

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 7:15 AM

I have read many of your posts in the last 2 or 3 months.

I think that the breakup with your ex-husband is the cause. He hurt you and now you want to hurt others.. To see them suffer because you have suffered, from being the victim to creating victims. Your having no interest in sex.

River you are not the only person ever betrayed in a relationship. Or has felt their heart ripped from your body. Or had it hard growing up?

The bad childhood, the kind family, your happy marriage, the breakup of the marriage = LIFE

Get laid! Spend an entire weekend doing nothing but that…. Then next week, try starting a relationship with somebody. Start slowly. If you don't feel it working, then move on to someone else. There are a few nice people on the PLANET. (I'm not saying that it will be easy to find them, but they do exist)

I really think that you need to have someone in your life NOW. GO find someone and share life for a while.

River, I did not write this to be mean. I loved when you wrote with authority and when you threw darts and daggers around.. I can't take seeing you like this. It really breaks my heart.

BTW really nice picture. Thanks

THEREALME

Friday, March 24, 2006 7:25 AM

I'm sorry, River. I'd like to give you a hug right now. And what of this family that took you in? Are you still connected with them?

It's true that the protection mechanisms sometimes outlive their usefulness or get out of control. But they don't have to rule your life.

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 7:40 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:

I have read many of your posts in the last 2 or 3 months.

I think that the breakup with your ex-husband is the cause. He hurt you and now you want to hurt others.. To see them suffer because you have suffered, from being the victim to creating victims. Your having no interest in sex.

River you are not the only person ever betrayed in a relationship. Or has felt their heart ripped from your body. Or had it hard growing up?

The bad childhood, the kind family, your happy marriage, the breakup of the marriage = LIFE

Get laid! Spend an entire weekend doing nothing but that…. Then next week, try starting a relationship with somebody. Start slowly. If you don't feel it working, then move on to someone else. There are a few nice people on the PLANET. (I'm not saying that it will be easy to find them, but they do exist)

I really think that you need to have someone in your life NOW. GO find someone and share life for a while.

River, I did not write this to be mean. I loved when you wrote with authority and when you threw darts and daggers around.. I can't take seeing you like this. It really breaks my heart.

BTW really nice picture. Thanks

Thanks for your kind words. I thought I was going to be ignored forever after posting that super personal post. I've learned that people don't like it when you post super personal stuff. it makes them uncomfortable.

The idea of getting laid is an alien one to me right now. If someone touched me I wouldnt know what to do and I might scream. And yes, i too hate seeing me like this and it has crumbled my heart to be so broken. I have avioded going to my company...and this is NOT a good time to do this. Things need to be taken care of, but i can't go in there like this...I just can't. I feel as though all my sheilds have been knocked out.

Age is a funny thing. You think you have everything under control and BAM! age comes in there and warps your mind. Its like all the demons that I have ever had are coming out too play. I can't handle it and I really need to die, but I have discovered recently that I do all this big talk concerning suicide, but I can't seem to go through with it....this is a problem.

Talk about screaming for help! here I sit, on a computer screaming for help...if only to be listen to and understood. So much for being the invincible machine.

Even River was stronger than this....

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 7:57 AM

The longer you stay away from work, the harder it will be to go back.. Start by going in for just a little while or go in very late or on the weekend,.. but go.

Age! for the last ten months I have been taking vicodin and perks like they are gum drops. I need two vicodin just to get into the shower. The pain is unbearable even with the drugs.. I type most of the time lying down. (That why it takes so long and I don't try to write alot) Believe me I have considered killing myself, but I keep resisting..

You will too..

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:02 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by TheRealMe:
I'm sorry, River. I'd like to give you a hug right now. And what of this family that took you in? Are you still connected with them?

It's true that the protection mechanisms sometimes outlive their usefulness or get out of control. But they don't have to rule your life.

Am I still connected with them? No. I stopped seeing them in my mid 30s after the father of that family died. I didn't go to the funeral because by then I was already the female version of Darth Vader. I don't know why I stopped seeing them after that really, but I have accounts set up under another name for the remaining surviving family members, and all their expenses are paid for by me for the rest of their lives and they dont know where the money is coming from. They will never have to worry about financial problems ever again. This is the best I can do. I don't, I can't let them see what I have transformed into, but I want them taken care of. They helped a littel girl long ago. They gave her love, they gave her a world view, they gave their protection, and they gave here guidance. It's my responsibility to repay them for that.

As for my REAL family...they can all go fish up a tree. If you think that's heartless, well I really don't know what to say, but I will say this: I was under the control of my real family for 16 years, and in that time I was tortured, beatened, starved and told I was stupid and would never amount to anything; I wasnt going to make it in life. In less than 7 years I was under the control of strangers who loved me, took care of me and defended me....which family do you think I'm going to honor?

Life is such a tiring affair...it really is when you think about it. The human mind is such a sensitive thing. I'm so tired, I must sleep.

The River that Could

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:06 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
The longer you stay away from work, the harder it will be to go back.. Start by going in for just a little while or go in very late or on the weekend,.. but go.

Age! for the last ten months I have been taking vicodin and perks like they are gum drops. I need two vicodin just to get into the shower. The pain is unbearable even with the drugs.. I type most of the time lying down. (That why it takes so long and I don't try to write alot) Believe me I have considered killing myself, but I keep resisting..

You will too..

Why do you need to take vicodin? Were you in an accident?

River

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:12 AM

No accident, 3 discs in my lower spine are fucked, just plain wear and tear and Age.

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:21 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
No accident, 3 discs in my lower spine are fucked, just plain wear and tear and Age.

You poor dear! I'm sorry, but sorry don't cut it. Be careful with that Vicodin, its addictive, but I guess you already know that part. The back and spine are such a poor design, and sooner or later, we will all experience that hell which you are currently going through. Hang in there if its possible. I'm sure you have people who love you.

Screaming River

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 8:40 AM

The vicodin is really scary because I have been on it so long and I am worried. My sister lives close and I recently bought a condo for my mom, so she is close. I have been avoiding major back surgery, I have been trying every doctor who thinks they can help, but it really looks like I am out of options.

When you talked about the doctor (Shrink) that you went to, I really got a laugh.. My current doctor really wanted me to see one, because I have been in such pain for such a long time, and also I think because he is afraid that I am ready to cut his throat, my throat or someones throat. Any way I saw the shink today and guess what she prescribed more drugs.. I didn't get the prescriptions filled,, I figured I am taking enough drugs right now.

ROB150185

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:05 AM

As for my REAL family...they can all go fish up a tree. If you think that's heartless, well I really don't know what to say, but I will say this: I was under the control of my real family for 16 years, and in that time I was tortured, beatened, starved and told I was stupid and would never amount to anything; I wasnt going to make it in life. In less than 7 years I was under the control of strangers who loved me, took care of me and defended me....which family do you think I'm going to honor?

Damn River!

I thought that my upbringing was harsh.
I wasn't beaten, bruised or scarred, just abandoned.

You have my respect for hanging on so far, after all that.

(Fish up a tree - love that!)

I'll be in my bunk...

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:10 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
The vicodin is really scary because I have been on it so long and I am worried. My sister lives close and I recently bought a condo for my mom, so she is close. I have been avoiding major back surgery, I have been trying every doctor who thinks they can help, but it really looks like I am out of options.

When you talked about the doctor (Shrink) that you went to, I really got a laugh.. My current doctor really wanted me to see one, because I have been in such pain for such a long time, and also I think because he is afraid that I am ready to cut his throat, my throat or someones throat. Any way I saw the shink today and guess what she prescribed more drugs.. I didn't get the prescriptions filled,, I figured I am taking enough drugs right now.

Good for you! The health care industry is out to make a profit. You go anywhere near them and you come out with a perscription of something you can't pronounce regardless if you need it or not.

You sound like a really nice person...wouldnt it be nice if we could transfer your pain to someone out there who was evil? Anyway. I've stopped playing with my new gun and I have to go to sleep. sleep is the only time I have a measure of peace. I really wish I could stop your pain or at least transfer it to myself.

I really hate who I am

River

HIXIE129

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:18 AM

Thank you River. And about transfering the pain,, I won't give it to you but if you can think of someone else. Its almost 4:30am I am finally sleepy.. Made it thru another night....

REAVERMAN

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:27 AM

River, I'm not going to tell you that I understand everything you have gone through, because, honestly, I don't. One thing I do understand very, very well is the desire to end my own life. The last few years have been rough. I lost faith in God, myself, and humanity in general. You are right. Life is tiring. To me, the world is a dark place, devoid of meaning. So, why haven't I ended it already? Why do I get up every day and go through the motions, pretending to lead a normal life? For a couple of reasons. (1)Sheer stubbornness. I turn all the anger and hate(for people, and especially God) inside me into a reserve of willpower that keeps me going. And (2)I dont know how, but I've come to thrive in the dark place where my mind resides. I get some perverse form of happiness from wallowing in the pointlessness of it all. I thoroughly enjoy dark/cynical stuff. The last thing is that, deep down, I really do have some hope that there might be somethin' better just around the corner. It might be a fool's hope, but it's there nonetheless. More than once, that has kept me from pulling the trigger. If you want to end it, that's your choice, but if you want to talk, I could do that. Who knows, maybe you can find something to live for. If not, well then, as I said before, it's your choice.

SINGATE

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:42 AM

I must say this thread has become quite heavenly and that is in no way disturbing.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

RIVER6213

Friday, March 24, 2006 9:53 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by reaverman:
River, I'm not going to tell you that I understand everything you have gone through, because, honestly, I don't. One thing I do understand very, very well is the desire to end my own life. The last few years have been rough. I lost faith in God, myself, and humanity in general. You are right. Life is tiring. To me, the world is a dark place, devoid of meaning. So, why haven't I ended it already? Why do I get up every day and go through the motions, pretending to lead a normal life? For a couple of reasons. (1)Sheer stubbornness. I turn all the anger and hate(for people, and especially God) inside me into a reserve of willpower that keeps me going. And (2)I dont know how, but I've come to thrive in the dark place where my mind resides. I get some perverse form of happiness from wallowing in the pointlessness of it all. I thoroughly enjoy dark/cynical stuff. The last thing is that, deep down, I really do have some hope that there might be somethin' better just around the corner. It might be a fool's hope, but it's there nonetheless. More than once, that has kept me from pulling the trigger. If you want to end it, that's your choice, but if you want to talk, I could do that. Who knows, maybe you can find something to live for. If not, well then, as I said before, it's your choice.

I was just about to go to sleep when I saw your post. I'm so sleepy! I havent slept in 2 days! I am aware that I'm not the only one on this planet that wishes to end it all, and from the sounds of it, you've been given the "full meal deal" of hardships that make you wish for death the same as I.
Lost faith in yourself, god and humanity...that sounds about right. I am here right now like you because I'm stubborn...this is what has kept my sorry, worthless ass alive this long. My continual existence is like laughing at life. "I'm still here my souls screams at life...what are you gonna do about it?"

For myself it has gone passed that though. I know that I've won already, but I'm not too happy with the prize, nor the result. I've fought up the hill against all odds, and I am standing on top of that hill right now, and what do I have to show for it??? Money, and thats it...nothing more.

I made all of that money so I could feel safe from everything except my own mind. And sure I have a choice. I can take this gun right here thats sitting next to me and put a bullet into my brainpan. The reason I don't at the moment is because I've begun so see in the past few days that I'm too scared to pull the trigger. Stupid I know, but I can't seem to get myself to do it, but I WILL find a way to end this life. I have to go...its important. And you are correct, I DO have a choice, but for me, it really doesnt matter.

As for yourself. You seem like you still have a bit of fighting spirit left in you. All I can say for you is to hold on just a little bit longer...perhaps a better day awaits you around the corner. You don't seem dead; you seem to still have some fight left in you...and that's important. So like Mal said "You Hold!"

I am such a mouthy bitch! I seem to always have to have the last

word! I'm so tired...I need to sleep but thank you for writing your post. It means a lot to me.

The Little River That Could

SANDS

Friday, March 24, 2006 10:26 AM

I would highly recommend a book titled:
The Problem of Pain
By: C.S. Lewis

I find when you forfeit religion something else takes that void. We as humans instinctively want to worship, fear, love, and loath something. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Christianity and Environmentalism share some of the most basic beliefs? Environmentalist believe that we should take responsibility for our actions and our treatment of the environment, that the world will one day come to a catastrophic end, that we all need to “Change our ways”. It parallels with Christianity.

In your case your religion is yourself…you worship, fear, love, and loath yourself.

1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.
You own your own business? I find nine times out of ten small business owners over work themselves. They have the mentality of “If I’m not here the whole operation will fall apart” when in reality its “I’m so important if I’m not here nothing will get done”.

“2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.
4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.”
You need nobody but yourself? The apathetic tone of 2 and 4 only implies you feel that others are unsuited to tend to your needs. You are your own companionship.

“5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.”
Anything that has been created to convey the emotions or soul of another do not interest you because they aren’t your emotions or soul.

“7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.”
This is probably for the best. Everything that I have read form you show what I like to call an “I’ll martyr myself but you owe me!” attitude. The child would either end up emotionally abandoned or loathing you because of you clinginess.

”8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.”
Again this doesn’t show a disrespect for human life just it only furthers my point about you being passive of others.

”9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.”
You can tell everything you need to know about somebody just by the metaphor they put on life.

“3. Religion is a mute point with me.”
By now you can tell I already disagree with you here. You indulge in self worship, you like being the center. You make scenarios in which people will rally around You, show You affection, try and align themselves with You. And after you get what you want from them emotion wise you head off to bed and sleep.

And this was off of one post of yours I’m sure more evidence is apparent through all of your writings that would only benefit my analysis. And if you give any response to this at all I’m sure the body of that reply would only make my assumptions sound.

That all being said:
Is there anything wrong with what you do? Some would say yes, but in my professional opinion it’s your way of obtaining normalcy and that’s a step.

CHRISISALL

Friday, March 24, 2006 2:47 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

The Little River That Could

I like that signature

Don't deny or try to 'get rid' of your pain. That would be impossible. Just try to accept it as part of yourself, but not an all-controlling part.

For someone who balks at shrinks, you seem remarkably in touch with yourself, and the source of your difficulties, and this is not only a good sign, but a powerful tool for change. You say you hate who you are, so be someone else. Create yourself in the way that you want to be. Start with the little things...for small example, do you leave the house with a blank expression looking down usually? Next time, walk out, intentionally looking up at the sky, and smile. It's acting, but repetition will make you comfortable in the role.

Just the act of smiling, however forced or artificial, will begin the change.

Machines can be dis-assembled.

You let us in a little, on here. Now do the same in your life. Crawl, then walk, then run with it.

I, for one, have faith in ya.

Don't MAKE ME come with the cordical electrodes! Chrisisall

OTMA

Friday, March 24, 2006 2:56 PM

River, I read your long post, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I'm not going to start ignoring you now. I'm back here again, and I hope you will be too.
There are monsters in this world. I don't see you as one of them. You suffered more than anyone should. You showed strength and resolve and succeeded where many would have failed. You are not trash. You never will be.
Part of the reason I identify as a Browncoat is because I despise injustice. When I hear about people being abused, tortured, stripped of their rights and their individuality, ground and beaten down by prejudice or conformity or plain old cruelty, it offends me down to the bone. Whether it comes from government or religion or individual action, I can't tolerate it. It grinds at me when the bastards win.
You deserve better, River. You survived more pain than I've ever known and now you're hurting again, but you deserve to make it this time too. You deserve to win. Not them. Not the ones who hurt you so badly you don't value yourself. If you used that gun, I wouldn't think of it as suicide, I'd think of it as a delayed murder. I cared about your life before today. Now I care more.
River, please get rid of the gun. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least get rid of the bullets. If you can't decide to live right now, at least make it so you'll have to put effort into not living. Make yourself have to think about it, not just do it on the spur of a moment you might have regretted later.
I care about you, not in an abstract "it's better if people don't die" way, but as an individual, as the person I saw in your picture, as the person I see in your posts. I don't think you really want to die. I think you just want it to stop hurting. Keep posting here, and I will too. I'm in, all the way. I'm not giving up on you. Please don't give up on yourself. You deserve to win.

REAVERMAN

Friday, March 24, 2006 5:14 PM

As I said before, I too will continue to post here, if you want me to. I ain't got much to offer, but I am a good listener.

REAVERMAN

Friday, March 24, 2006 5:16 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Sands:
I would highly recommend a book titled:
The Problem of Pain
By: C.S. Lewis

I find when you forfeit religion something else takes that void. We as humans instinctively want to worship, fear, love, and loath something. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Christianity and Environmentalism share some of the most basic beliefs? Environmentalist believe that we should take responsibility for our actions and our treatment of the environment, that the world will one day come to a catastrophic end, that we all need to “Change our ways”. It parallels with Christianity.

In your case your religion is yourself…you worship, fear, love, and loath yourself.

1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.
You own your own business? I find nine times out of ten small business owners over work themselves. They have the mentality of “If I’m not here the whole operation will fall apart” when in reality its “I’m so important if I’m not here nothing will get done”.

“2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.
4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.”
You need nobody but yourself? The apathetic tone of 2 and 4 only implies you feel that others are unsuited to tend to your needs. You are your own companionship.

“5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.”
Anything that has been created to convey the emotions or soul of another do not interest you because they aren’t your emotions or soul.

“7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.”
This is probably for the best. Everything that I have read form you show what I like to call an “I’ll martyr myself but you owe me!” attitude. The child would either end up emotionally abandoned or loathing you because of you clinginess.

”8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.”
Again this doesn’t show a disrespect for human life just it only furthers my point about you being passive of others.

”9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.”
You can tell everything you need to know about somebody just by the metaphor they put on life.

“3. Religion is a mute point with me.”
By now you can tell I already disagree with you here. You indulge in self worship, you like being the center. You make scenarios in which people will rally around You, show You affection, try and align themselves with You. And after you get what you want from them emotion wise you head off to bed and sleep.

And this was off of one post of yours I’m sure more evidence is apparent through all of your writings that would only benefit my analysis. And if you give any response to this at all I’m sure the body of that reply would only make my assumptions sound.

That all being said:
Is there anything wrong with what you do? Some would say yes, but in my professional opinion it’s your way of obtaining normalcy and that’s a step.

Sands, back off. River doesn't need to be psychoanylized right now.

ISAACSHEPHERD

Friday, March 24, 2006 5:28 PM

River,
I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I wish I could say more helpful words but I cannot begin to relate to what has happened to you. All I can do is try to help. I'm not much of a talker in real life, but I'm an excellent listener and there are others on this site that are as well. We'd all like to help you.

One amazing thing about being a Browncoat is we're all like family. We all generally care about other people and what happens to other people. Hang in there cause there are people there for you, who'll support you. I thing I've always admired about Mal was his determination and to go through everything that you have, you must have as much or more than Mal does. If there is anything more we can do let us know.
IS

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

REAVERMAN

Friday, March 24, 2006 10:27 PM

River, I'm not going to tell you that you have a lot to live for, because you are the judge of that. I also won't tell you that life is peachy, 'cause it ain't. What I do have to say, even though it probably wont change your mind, is that I care. And I would be honored to call you a friend, even if only for a short time. And if you want to talk, well, friends are there for each other. I'll be there for you; all you have to do is ask.

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 7:28 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Sands:
I would highly recommend a book titled:
The Problem of Pain
By: C.S. Lewis

I find when you forfeit religion something else takes that void. We as humans instinctively want to worship, fear, love, and loath something. Do you think it’s a coincidence that Christianity and Environmentalism share some of the most basic beliefs? Environmentalist believe that we should take responsibility for our actions and our treatment of the environment, that the world will one day come to a catastrophic end, that we all need to “Change our ways”. It parallels with Christianity.

In your case your religion is yourself…you worship, fear, love, and loath yourself.

1. I own my own business, so money is not a problem.
You own your own business? I find nine times out of ten small business owners over work themselves. They have the mentality of “If I’m not here the whole operation will fall apart” when in reality its “I’m so important if I’m not here nothing will get done”.

“2. I got rid of all my friends because I need no one.
4. I'm totally uninterested in sex.”
You need nobody but yourself? The apathetic tone of 2 and 4 only implies you feel that others are unsuited to tend to your needs. You are your own companionship.

“5. I'm totally not interested in art, music, or anything creative.”
Anything that has been created to convey the emotions or soul of another do not interest you because they aren’t your emotions or soul.

“7. Children are nice but I have no interest in having one.”
This is probably for the best. Everything that I have read form you show what I like to call an “I’ll martyr myself but you owe me!” attitude. The child would either end up emotionally abandoned or loathing you because of you clinginess.

”8. I disowned the family I was brought up with and it doesn’t bother me in any way, shape, or form. If one of my sisters or bothers died, it would not bother me at all. I wouldn’t be glad if they died, I just simply wouldn’t care.”
Again this doesn’t show a disrespect for human life just it only furthers my point about you being passive of others.

”9. Life is a war that must be won at all costs, yet I'm unclear what the "won" part means, and I'm unsure why it should be fought in the 1st place.”
You can tell everything you need to know about somebody just by the metaphor they put on life.

“3. Religion is a mute point with me.”
By now you can tell I already disagree with you here. You indulge in self worship, you like being the center. You make scenarios in which people will rally around You, show You affection, try and align themselves with You. And after you get what you want from them emotion wise you head off to bed and sleep.

And this was off of one post of yours I’m sure more evidence is apparent through all of your writings that would only benefit my analysis. And if you give any response to this at all I’m sure the body of that reply would only make my assumptions sound.

That all being said:
Is there anything wrong with what you do? Some would say yes, but in my professional opinion it’s your way of obtaining normalcy and that’s a step.

Sands,

I woke up this morning and decided to take a chance and go to work. I took the advice of one kind soul in this thread and decided to go in for a few hours, but before I did any of that, I logged onto this board to read any possible responses to my queries from last night’s bit of conversations. I was confronted by your post. It’s an interesting post because there are two things within it that are 100% true, and one that’s questionable, and the remaining editorial opinions are really not me, but I am open to investigate if this is true about me. That’s what makes asking for advice or wisdom from other people so great…You never know what you are going get, so thank you for giving me your view.

It’s clear to me that you are one of those thoughtful Christians that have things pretty much tied up in a box. Either you are for god, or you are worshiping something else. It

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 7:39 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

The Little River That Could
I like that signature

Don't deny or try to 'get rid' of your pain. That would be impossible. Just try to accept it as part of yourself, but not an all-controlling part.

For someone who balks at shrinks, you seem remarkably in touch with yourself, and the source of your difficulties, and this is not only a good sign, but a powerful tool for change. You say you hate who you are, so be someone else. Create yourself in the way that you want to be. Start with the little things...for small example, do you leave the house with a blank expression looking down usually? Next time, walk out, intentionally looking up at the sky, and smile. It's acting, but repetition will make you comfortable in the role.

Just the act of smiling, however forced or artificial, will begin the change.

Machines can be dis-assembled.

You let us in a little, on here. Now do the same in your life. Crawl, then walk, then run with it.

I, for one, have faith in ya.

Don't MAKE ME come with the cordical electrodes! Chrisisall

Thanks Chrisiall,

I do have a lot of personal insight about myself...I know HOW, now I need to know WHY so I can do something about this mess called my life that I created. Thanks for reading in between the lines of my posts, and seeing the person underneath the words. This gives me some hope that perhaps I'm not completly gone yet.

I was really worried yesterday after posting that super personal post. You never how people are going to take that sort of thing.

Sands left a post that I read this morning that caused me to seriously think about what I think about and why. I was thinking this while I was trying to get some work done today. Do you know that I didnt even know it was Friday? I thought it was Thursday! I'm slipping! The people at work know something is up with me, but they are way too tactiful to actually ask. I got to keep this stuff hidden as long as I'm able. who wants to know if their boss is crazy..lol!

River

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 7:57 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by otma:
River, I read your long post, and you don't have anything to apologize for. I'm not going to start ignoring you now. I'm back here again, and I hope you will be too.
There are monsters in this world. I don't see you as one of them. You suffered more than anyone should. You showed strength and resolve and succeeded where many would have failed. You are not trash. You never will be.
Part of the reason I identify as a Browncoat is because I despise injustice. When I hear about people being abused, tortured, stripped of their rights and their individuality, ground and beaten down by prejudice or conformity or plain old cruelty, it offends me down to the bone. Whether it comes from government or religion or individual action, I can't tolerate it. It grinds at me when the bastards win.
You deserve better, River. You survived more pain than I've ever known and now you're hurting again, but you deserve to make it this time too. You deserve to win. Not them. Not the ones who hurt you so badly you don't value yourself. If you used that gun, I wouldn't think of it as suicide, I'd think of it as a delayed murder. I cared about your life before today. Now I care more.
River, please get rid of the gun. If you can't bring yourself to do that, at least get rid of the bullets. If you can't decide to live right now, at least make it so you'll have to put effort into not living. Make yourself have to think about it, not just do it on the spur of a moment you might have regretted later.
I care about you, not in an abstract "it's better if people don't die" way, but as an individual, as the person I saw in your picture, as the person I see in your posts. I don't think you really want to die. I think you just want it to stop hurting. Keep posting here, and I will too. I'm in, all the way. I'm not giving up on you. Please don't give up on yourself. You deserve to win.

OTMA,
Thank you for the words of courage. Sorry for me being so blasted egocentric.
I actully do want to die, but before I give up the ghost, I want to know that I tried everything. Life has a way of catching up with you...and its catching up with me fast!!! I can't run fast enough, so its time to hunch my shoulders, turn around and face my demons, and I have a LOT of demons.

I do want to stop hurting. You are correct saying this. And I thought I was being so smart now look what I've gone and done to myself. I'm not going to get rid of my gun...not at all. I want it with me right next to this computer. Its a reminder, its a reminder that I have choices. Its a reminder that if I really wanted too, I could take my life this second. I have the power...I have the choice. Its important for me to know that I have a choice, and sometimes its good to force yourself into some kind of "final showdown"

This is going to sound rather funny. strange as it may sound. I used up all my survival skills to get me this far, and now I don't have any survival skills that works for thse more modern time at the age that I'm at. I made it to the top of the heap and I now I'm the weakest one of them all. Crazy huh?

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to help an idiot. I know I'm being somewhat selfish, and I suspect you know this too, but I hope someday I can return the favor for any of you who falls into the same mind-trap that I'm currently in.

River

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 8:12 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by IsaacShepherd:
River,
I'm sorry to hear about what has happened to you. I wish I could say more helpful words but I cannot begin to relate to what has happened to you. All I can do is try to help. I'm not much of a talker in real life, but I'm an excellent listener and there are others on this site that are as well. We'd all like to help you.

One amazing thing about being a Browncoat is we're all like family. We all generally care about other people and what happens to other people. Hang in there cause there are people there for you, who'll support you. I thing I've always admired about Mal was his determination and to go through everything that you have, you must have as much or more than Mal does. If there is anything more we can do let us know.
IS

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

IsaacShepherd,
Thanks for your support and kind words of encouragment.

I didnt mean to write so much yesterday! I guess I started typing, and all the words just sort of came out. I never told anyone my story before. I guess I was kinda embarrassed about it. I guess I had expected people here to tell me to shut up and call me an attention whore. I didnt expect anyone to really read between the lines and see the human there. I'm impressed, and I'm glad to be wrong about people.

I'm a determined person in everything I do...I've always been this way. Life to me is a continual Serenity valley. Though, it would be nice if the war would stopped for awhile so I can at least smell the roses.

The River that Tripped

RIVER6213

Saturday, March 25, 2006 8:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by reaverman:
River, I'm not going to tell you that you have a lot to live for, because you are the judge of that. I also won't tell you that life is peachy, 'cause it ain't. What I do have to say, even though it probably wont change your mind, is that I care. And I would be honored to call you a friend, even if only for a short time. And if you want to talk, well, friends are there for each other. I'll be there for you; all you have to do is ask.

Good grief!

So many nice words in one day! Because of you guys this day ended nicely. Nice words for me!!! This is rare. Thanks Reaverman! Someone cares about me! I'm nothing more than words on a screen and some cares abut me! This is a good thing.

I don't know how to be a friend but I'll give it a try.

Thank you

A Stunned River

REAVERMAN

Saturday, March 25, 2006 8:30 AM

River,
Being a friend is easy. All friends have to do is be there for each other. If there is ever anything you want to talk about, or if you want advice, or anything else, I'll be here.

HIXIE129

Saturday, March 25, 2006 9:40 AM

Hi River

I'm glad you decided to go into work for a few hours, it really is the only way to get back into the swing of things at work.

Hope you felt a little better today, or yesterday, whatever day it is, I see that it is Saturday.

CHRISISALL

Saturday, March 25, 2006 4:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
. I got to keep this stuff hidden as long as I'm able. who wants to know if their boss is crazy..lol!

Everyone knows that their boss is crazy...

.

As one who was literally one quart of blood from death, I'll tell ya that getting that close to the other side of the Exit sign offered no revelations or new awareness, only a bunch of irritating stitches. And one friend who called me a 'surprisingly stupid dumass'. *chuckles* In hindsight, he was so right.

I'm glad if any of us could help, even a little...
I'll be back.

(And check out Dark Angel, like I said)Chrisisall

OTMA

Saturday, March 25, 2006 4:11 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

OTMA,
Thank you for the words of courage. Sorry for me being so blasted egocentric.
I actully do want to die, but before I give up the ghost, I want to know that I tried everything. Life has a way of catching up with you...and its catching up with me fast!!! I can't run fast enough, so its time to hunch my shoulders, turn around and face my demons, and I have a LOT of demons.

I do want to stop hurting. You are correct saying this. And I thought I was being so smart now look what I've gone and done to myself. I'm not going to get rid of my gun...not at all. I want it with me right next to this computer. Its a reminder, its a reminder that I have choices. Its a reminder that if I really wanted too, I could take my life this second. I have the power...I have the choice. Its important for me to know that I have a choice, and sometimes its good to force yourself into some kind of "final showdown"

This is going to sound rather funny. strange as it may sound. I used up all my survival skills to get me this far, and now I don't have any survival skills that works for thse more modern time at the age that I'm at. I made it to the top of the heap and I now I'm the weakest one of them all. Crazy huh?

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you all for taking the time out of your lives to help an idiot. I know I'm being somewhat selfish, and I suspect you know this too, but I hope someday I can return the favor for any of you who falls into the same mind-trap that I'm currently in.

River

I understand what you're saying. The choice should always be yours. When the choice is yours and yours alone, and you've made that choice, it's a powerful thing. Sometimes you need to stand at the edge.
I think you've got hard times comin', but you've got what it takes to win. You can count me as a friend if that suits you.

RIVER6213

Sunday, March 26, 2006 5:02 AM

I'm going to let this thread die and allow it to fall into the maw of archived threads. This is my last post here on the firefly.net board for reasons I'm certain that you are able to all divine on your own. Try not to celebrate all at once.

I want to thank all the people here who have put up with all of my noise...I really do. You were all so engaging and a lot of you have taught me something of value. I have been on this board since September of 2005, and I’m very glad that I got to know some of you…good or bad it was a fun, frustrating, and a very engaging experience. I’m just sorry I couldn’t fit in as much as I wanted to, but that’s what I get for being a dysfunctional one of a kind type of personality
. I’m happy that I got at least a little good science fiction before I went. Malcolm Reynolds, Zoë, Wash, Kaylee, Jayne, Simon, Book, Inara, and River.

One last thing I want to say that will not make any sense to any of you but it’s very important for me to say. I really wish the Soviet Union hadn’t fallen. If it hadn’t, a chain of events wouldn’t have been set off, and I would not have been made so miserable. Strange thing about cause and effect, you never know how an event is going to effect you, or your life.

Goodbye all of you strange browncoat people. I really do hope you get a new series or at least another movie. With all the fuss you kick up, you deserve it. You guys and gals are so funny, and I had fun laughing.

Goodbye

River6213

OTMA

Sunday, March 26, 2006 6:50 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I'm going to let this thread die and allow it to fall into the maw of archived threads. This is my last post here on the firefly.net board for reasons I'm certain that you are able to all divine on your own. Try not to celebrate all at once.

I want to thank all the people here who have put up with all of my noise...I really do. You were all so engaging and a lot of you have taught me something of value. I have been on this board since September of 2005, and I’m very glad that I got to know some of you…good or bad it was a fun, frustrating, and a very engaging experience. I’m just sorry I couldn’t fit in as much as I wanted to, but that’s what I get for being a dysfunctional one of a kind type of personality
. I’m happy that I got at least a little good science fiction before I went. Malcolm Reynolds, Zoë, Wash, Kaylee, Jayne, Simon, Book, Inara, and River.

One last thing I want to say that will not make any sense to any of you but it’s very important for me to say. I really wish the Soviet Union hadn’t fallen. If it hadn’t, a chain of events wouldn’t have been set off, and I would not have been made so miserable. Strange thing about cause and effect, you never know how an event is going to effect you, or your life.

Goodbye all of you strange browncoat people. I really do hope you get a new series or at least another movie. With all the fuss you kick up, you deserve it. You guys and gals are so funny, and I had fun laughing.

Goodbye

River6213

Is that it then? Are you really gone this time? Are you reading this, or not? Did you decide to keep flyin', or did you find that bullet with your name on it? I guess I'll only know for sure if you post again. Otherwise, I'll just have to decide what I want to believe.
If that goodbye was real, if you've left this group, and maybe this world . . . well, goodbye then, River6213. You won't be forgotten. Maybe I'm talking to empty air, maybe not. We say what we need to say, what we think is right, and we hope it's enough.
It could have been different. It should have been.
If you don't come back, I hope things are better for you wherever you are.

REAVERMAN

Sunday, March 26, 2006 8:56 AM

Trust me, I know a thing or two about suicide notes, and that was one. I think she's actually done it. Who knows, maybe she's happier now. Goodbye, River. You'll always be a friend in my book.

You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.

CHRISISALL

Sunday, March 26, 2006 6:33 PM

*tears*

HIXIE129

Monday, March 27, 2006 1:26 PM

*All I can do is wait, now I am left home all alone*

CHRISISALL

Monday, March 27, 2006 6:18 PM

Tell us if you're okay, if you didn't leave, and got help or something. Will ya?

BROWNCOAT1

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 3:45 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Tell us if you're okay, if you didn't leave, and got help or something. Will ya?

Please do.

Anyone know how to reach River & make sure she is okay?

__________________________________________

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

Richmond, VA & surrounding area Firefly Fans:

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/richmondbrowncoats/

http://www.richmondbrowncoats.org

ISAACSHEPHERD

Tuesday, March 28, 2006 4:07 PM

*hoping and waiting for River's return*

The Bible's a bit fuzzy on the subject of kneecaps.

REAVERMAN

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 12:42 AM

Its been a few days now, and I cant shake the thought that I could have done more, said more to help her. Maybe its just arrogance on my part that I could have said or done anything to change her mind, I'll never know, and that's what eats at me. Maybe I'm wrong and she didn't do it. Its a possibility, but it's not one that I can bring myself to believe. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I need someone to tell me I'm right to feel guilty or not. Or, maybe I just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe that's somethimg else that I'll never really know. And maybe I should stop bothering you folks with my problems. Sorry...

You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.

MINIME

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 1:30 AM

Cliches ahead... But they're true, so here goes.

Reaverman:
Whatever has happened or hasn't happened is not your fault. I don't think you should feel guilty. (But I wouldn't start down the path of feeling guilty for feeling guilty.)

And, as you do know - Browncoats never mind helping each other out with problems.

BROWNCOAT1

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 3:32 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by minime:
Cliches ahead... But they're true, so here goes.

Reaverman:
Whatever has happened or hasn't happened is not your fault. I don't think you should feel guilty. (But I wouldn't start down the path of feeling guilty for feeling guilty.)

And, as you do know - Browncoats never mind helping each other out with problems.

Minime is right Reaverman. You have nothing to feel guilty for. River is an adult and her decisions are her own and no one elses responsibility. The fact that you truly care shows that your heart is in the right place & that you did all you could to help River.

I didn't really get to talk to her much, and I honestly must say I was put off a bit by some of her more heated comments about Christians, but I am holding out hope she is okay & will return.

Chin up Reaverman. Browncoats stick together & it is only right that we do all we can to look out for one another. We're family.

__________________________________________

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

Richmond, VA & surrounding area Firefly Fans:

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/richmondbrowncoats/

http://www.richmondbrowncoats.org

JOHNBOYTOO

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 4:08 PM

Hmmm....
not been on this board in a while and have to admit I too am wondering about this thread....

With a little experience behind me, somewhat of a blunt personality, and a smidgen of intellect...

Please take this in the helpful way it is offered...

Suicide is NOT a solution... period...
What would that REALLY solve?
just as the thread topic "to be or not to be"....
is really a tangent on "Why are we hear?"...
MANY "smarter" people than I have tried to answer that... and you know, to this day, NO ONE alive really knows for sure... they may propose that they do, but how do THEY or we know....

And although, if we knew the answer to that, I would think MANY of our actions and decision would be different, does it REALLY matter what the answer is ?

I am a simple man,
I hav da kollege teachin, I have da hard knocks learnin....
but I decided a long time ago that I will try to bring effect to the things I can affect :)

If all I have is a hand trowel, I'm not going to attempt to dig for oil, I will seek out the right tool for the job !

My reason for each day, is the joy and laughter each day brings.... Money or lack of it, does not matter, hard times or good times, impacts it only slightly, my belief system thus far has done welll for me....

I TRULY believe you are never faced with more than you can "handle" --- maybe it IS more than you ALONE can handle --- and believe me the loss of a 16 year old son to suicide IS more than ANY parent can handle....

and it NEVER gets better, it just gets "less worse".... it is a part of EVERY breath I take, the guilt, the blame, the "what could I have done".... it has taken a VERY long time and a lot of thought and discussion to realize that it was not of my doing.... no mater how much care and love you give, it is not you, so you don't decide that...

And the sense of aloneness that my son must have felt could not have been more incorrect....

I think now his spirit KNOWS that, but his life will never since it ended on July 5th, 2000.

After was a continual stream of people, kids, teachers, emails, calls, letters,etc... of concern and condolences....
not to me, but for him !

A GREAT, loving, kind, young man that mistook life as something else....

************************************

Is it possible you are more "self-centered" than you think you are? (is that a nice way of saying arrogant :) ?

Is it possible that you think of yourself on a higher level than "the rest of us"....

Who knows why we are here, but do know this...

EVERYONE effects someone, every moment... maybe it is yourself, maybe it is others, maybe if is a memory....

So life is an adventure, knowing that EVERY little decision, no matter how mundane, affects the path you take....

just a .0005 degree turn to the left early enough in your trip will redirect you LIGHT years to the left of the potential previous target after a while....

good luck, and understand that there are more GOOD people out there than not...

it's just that the "bad guys" are usually louder and the news media always leads with what bleeds :)

CHRISISALL

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 6:25 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by reaverman:
Maybe I need someone to tell me I'm right to feel guilty or not.

You're guilty of caring, that's all. I feel bad too. But I think we did what we could, in this limited way.

Until we find out otherwise, she might be okay...

Chrisisall

OTMA

Thursday, March 30, 2006 12:44 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by reaverman:
Its been a few days now, and I cant shake the thought that I could have done more, said more to help her. Maybe its just arrogance on my part that I could have said or done anything to change her mind, I'll never know, and that's what eats at me. Maybe I'm wrong and she didn't do it. Its a possibility, but it's not one that I can bring myself to believe. I'm not sure why I'm writing this. Maybe I need someone to tell me I'm right to feel guilty or not. Or, maybe I just wanted to get this off my chest. Maybe that's somethimg else that I'll never really know. And maybe I should stop bothering you folks with my problems. Sorry...

You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.

I wish I could have said or done more too, but I don't think it's realistic to imagine I could have. I'd like to think that maybe she didn't do it. Her post before the last one really sounded like she had decided the other way. All I know is that I honestly tried. I never said a word to her I didn't mean. I was worried every time I posted here that I might not be saying the right things for her to hear, but I figured I'd never be sure exactly what the "right" approach was, so I just said what I honestly felt, the best way I could think to. If she's still out there, I don't begrudge her the uncertainty she's causing by not saying so now. I could understand her needing time away.I'd hope someday she could let us know. If not, I feel sad, but not guilty. I would have felt guilty if I hadn't tried, or if I had tried to manipulate her dishonestly and it backfired. I think you tried the best you could too, and that your efforts were sincere. I can understand it bothering you, it bothers me too, but I wouldn't put any guilt on you. We never tried to take her choices away, we just tried to show her that she had a choice, that it didn't have to end that way, and that she wouldn't have to face the future alone. Whether it worked or not, I think it was the right thing to do.

RIVER6213

Monday, April 3, 2006 6:25 PM

Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

NUCLEARDAY

Monday, April 3, 2006 7:54 PM

Good to see you back :)

________________________________________________
You can take my hope when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.

RIVER6213

Monday, April 3, 2006 8:01 PM

The fact that I am back is by complete luck. I guess "recoil" never factored into my plan.

River

CHRISISALL

Monday, April 3, 2006 8:05 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

To quote from an Indy movie:
"Oh, my friend! I'm so glad you're not dead!"

Ya scared us.
Made it back from.....?

Relieved Chrisisall

RIVER6213

Monday, April 3, 2006 8:27 PM

I made it back from the hospital Sunday.

River

CHRISISALL

Monday, April 3, 2006 8:39 PM

I'm assuming you're on a pain medication, am I right?
You aren't usually this short with replies.
Are you all right?
Did you come close?

If you don't want to expand on what you've already written, I'll certainly understand.

You haven't run out of future yet.

Chrisisall, thanking recoil

RIVER6213

Monday, April 3, 2006 8:54 PM

I'm being short because I'm typing with one hand. I won't have the use of my whole, left hand and arm for awhile. It takes forever to type anything. You are correct, I am on some serious pain medication.

And yes, I did come close; I commited suicide, but as you can see, I was totally unsuccessful, and also I am in big trouble with the authorities. It seems that my little attempt caused a great stir in the neighborhood that I live in.

River

CHRISISALL

Monday, April 3, 2006 9:23 PM

Well, fortunatly or not, your journey just got more interesting. And now you have new obsticles to overcome.
This may be something that ultimatly makes you stronger. That depends, of course, on you.

*And seeing as you will now have the time to watch it, get the first season of Dark Angel.*

As a fellow close call (not quite as close, I just lost half my blood in a stupid broken glass 'accident'), I'm glad you get a second chance too.

What do you think, are you feeling up to the challenge just now?

Chris

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