To be or Not to Be THAT is the Question...

POSTED BY: RiveR6213
UPDATED: Sunday, April 9, 2006 14:26
VIEWED: 29990
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RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:37 AM

The fact that I'm still here perplexes me. I don’t know what you mean by “journey” but I do know that there has been some kind of shift in my thinking. I've had a lot of time to think after my “accident” because when it happened, I couldn’t move, and I was also in a lot of pain and in a state of shock, which was replaced by unconsciousness. I don’t feel really challenge to do anything right now because what do you do after you’ve failed to commit suicide? I’ve never been in this space of mind before.

River

OTMA

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:45 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

I'm happy to see you.

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:54 AM

I see that you guys were writing about me after I left...how sweet! I guess you got worried about the crazy girl, but thats okay, its good that someone actually missed me. Thank you everyone.

River

HIXIE129

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:55 AM

Hi River

I am so very happy that you are back!

Please don't do that again, many people care about you. Just take it easy for awhile.

Love
Ronnie

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:57 AM

I have no choice but to take it easy. I'm pecking at the keyboard with one hand.

River

HIXIE129

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 3:13 AM

River

I guess that is very frustrating for you, I know you like to write.

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 3:24 AM

Don't you know it Hixie129! Big mouthed people like myself find it frustrating when they can't spew their noise forth in great heaps!

River

HIXIE129

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 3:26 AM

River

And I love when you spew!

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 3:28 AM

lol!
Thanks for not being mad at me.

River

HIXIE129

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 3:35 AM

River

I could never be mad at you, I love you.

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 4:05 AM

It feels strange typing in here after all this time. It feels like months have pasted, but actually, it was only about a week. The mind is funny.

River

CEDRIC

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 4:46 AM

I just came back to the board after being on the road for a while, and I read your thread from the beginning. I too am glad you're still amongst us.

I've come very close to suicide several times, even to the point of choking down pills once. (Vicodin by curious coincidence.) But I'm still around also.

There are a few things that keep me going. Music, and my faith in the Divine. (Since I know some people on the board think all Wiccans are flakes, I suppose I'll tweak them by mentioning that Wicca is my faith.)

But mostly what got me back from the edge was deciding that I would pretend to be okay. My motto was "Fake it 'til you make it." If I could pretend well enough to fool myself, it really would work.

I know depression well--I have wrestled with that old foe many times. It's like a voice in my head that tells me everything is hopeless, that I'm worthless, and there's no point to keeping on. And even though I knew, deep down somewhere, that the voice was lying, I often let it take hold of my mouth, like a lunatic with a loudspeaker, and I found that once I'd done that, it became stronger, and I transfered the need to fight it to other people. It was only when I denied my depression control of my voice, and instead forced myself to say good things about myself and the world, that things started to get better. Admittedly, it's very difficult for a cynic to use affirmations, but they really do work. And believe me, I've wrestled so much with depression that I don't waste my time with things that don't work.

Hang in there, River. Deep down inside, you are stronger than your past, stronger than your problems, stronger than everything.

Cedric

"Some things stay with you, 'til the day you die."
On the Drift: Music Inspired by Firefly and Serenity, now on sale at
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/bedlambards/from/celtic

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 5:12 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Cedric:
I just came back to the board after being on the road for a while, and I read your thread from the beginning. I too am glad you're still amongst us.

I've come very close to suicide several times, even to the point of choking down pills once. (Vicodin by curious coincidence.) But I'm still around also.

There are a few things that keep me going. Music, and my faith in the Divine. (Since I know some people on the board think all Wiccans are flakes, I suppose I'll tweak them by mentioning that Wicca is my faith.)

But mostly what got me back from the edge was deciding that I would pretend to be okay. My motto was "Fake it 'til you make it." If I could pretend well enough to fool myself, it really would work.

I know depression well--I have wrestled with that old foe many times. It's like a voice in my head that tells me everything is hopeless, that I'm worthless, and there's no point to keeping on. And even though I knew, deep down somewhere, that the voice was lying, I often let it take hold of my mouth, like a lunatic with a loudspeaker, and I found that once I'd done that, it became stronger, and I transfered the need to fight it to other people. It was only when I denied my depression control of my voice, and instead forced myself to say good things about myself and the world, that things started to get better. Admittedly, it's very difficult for a cynic to use affirmations, but they really do work. And believe me, I've wrestled so much with depression that I don't waste my time with things that don't work.

Hang in there, River. Deep down inside, you are stronger than your past, stronger than your problems, stronger than everything.

Cedric

"Some things stay with you, 'til the day you die."
On the Drift: Music Inspired by Firefly and Serenity, now on sale at
http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/bedlambards/from/celtic

Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.

What is Wicca any way?

River

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 6:15 AM

I don't feel stronger...I'm just confused. Something is going on that is beyond my understanding. I should not be here, yet here I am. Either I've been born lucky, or my primary mission is to save a busload of brats who are going to drown or something, or perhaps god is having a little fun.

River

SINGATE

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 6:54 AM

I'm just glad that you're a bad shot! Seriously though, I imagine you will be having an interesting couple of months. Between the trouble with your neighbors and I'm guessing some legal issues you look to be a busy girl. How fucked up is it that what you tried to do is considered a crime! I will also hazard a guess that this won't sit well at your company.

Well, chin up and all that, glad you are still with us. Even though it is difficult for you to type I hope you will check in with us regularly.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

CITIZEN

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 11:28 AM

Been lurking around this thread but I'm not really qualified to reply, so I'll just say...

Hi.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

OTMA

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:05 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
It feels strange typing in here after all this time. It feels like months have pasted, but actually, it was only about a week. The mind is funny.

River

It feels like more time has passed for me as well. I kept checking here, to see if maybe you'd come back. I'm really glad that you did, and I'm glad we kept your thread alive, so you'd have something nice to come back to, something to show you we hadn't forgotten. I'd like to consider you a friend of mine. Whatever difficulties you have to face ahead, you don't have to face them alone.

OTMA

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:43 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.

What is Wicca any way?

River

Wicca is essentially a modern re-creation/revival of pre-Christian European/Celtic paganism, sometimes with elements of other faiths and practices, such as Buddhism and Ceremonial Magic included in the mix. There are many different forms of Wicca, and not all pagan oriented faiths refer to themselves as Wiccan, although all Wiccans are pagan. Like any faith, Wicca does have its share of flakes, fundamentalists (who will insist their form of Wicca is the ONLY true one) and frauds, but stereotypes of all Wiccans being naive goth girls or crystal and rainbow new age dabblers are inaccurate. The roots of Wicca are ancient, but it is essentially a modern faith, although older branches are decades old by now. Some Wiccans are very formal and ritualistic, some are very eclectic and informal. Common elements of Wiccan faith include acceptance of both male (god) and female (goddess) divine images, observance of the cycles of nature (moon cycles, solstices and equinoxes), belief in karma and reincarnation, and belief in divine power being manifest in the natural world and its inhabitants, rather than standing apart from them. Wicca does not have Hell or judgement in the Christian sense, there is a concept of right and wrong, but not "sin", and it lacks the squeamish and punitive views of sexuality that seem common in some other faiths. The main "law" of Wicca, known as the Wiccan Rede, is "An' it harm none, do as you will." This is often seen by non-Wiccans, and even by some "party pagans" to mean total licentiousness, but it is actually a much more difficult rule to follow than it first appears, and is not far from the famous "Golden Rule." There is a lot more to the ritual and practice, especially within specific groups, but while noone would say I've given you a complete picture here, I don't think many would say I've given you any misleading or false information, except perhaps those who don't accept that Wicca is partially modern, and not a direct continuation of ancient practice.

OTMA

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 2:57 PM

A couple more things I forgot :
Wiccans are also often mistaken for Satanists, stemming from medieval and rennaissance persecution of pagan faiths by the Christian church. Wiccans do not accept the idea of Satan, which is a Christian belief. To be a Satanist, one must be a Christian, albeit a very bad one, since only within the framework of Christianity does Satan have any meaning. Secondly, Wicca is not an evangelical faith. Most Wiccans feel no need to prosyletize or convert, and do not condemn non-believers. They will typically only introduce their beliefs to those who ask.

CHRISISALL

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 3:05 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I don’t know what you mean by “journey”

"Life is a journey, not a destination."

After I was escorted to the hospital (wow, like a quarter century ago now), and kinda passed out from blood loss, the surgeons did their thing, and I don't remember dreaming- just nothing.
When I woke the next mourning, my first feeling was that I was pissed to still be around. Not that I tried to kill myself in the literal sense, but smashing a plate glass window with your fist and not even checking for a cut to the point of near-fatal blood leakage kinda spells out your state of mind, don't it?

...just tryin' to show ya you aren't alone in at least some of what you might be feeling...

Chrisisallshewrote, almost.

RIVER6213

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 11:45 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I don’t know what you mean by “journey”
"Life is a journey, not a destination."

After I was escorted to the hospital (wow, like a quarter century ago now), and kinda passed out from blood loss, the surgeons did their thing, and I don't remember dreaming- just nothing.
When I woke the next mourning, my first feeling was that I was pissed to still be around. Not that I tried to kill myself in the literal sense, but smashing a plate glass window with your fist and not even checking for a cut to the point of near-fatal blood leakage kinda spells out your state of mind, don't it?

...just tryin' to show ya you aren't alone in at least some of what you might be feeling...

Chrisisallshewrote, almost.

I I was asleep all day long! I must have been so tired. Anyway, I also was very angry when I woke up in that hospital.

And about my glorious attempt at self-termination. I totally botched my suicide as you all already know. After I wrote my final post here on Firefly.net, and 5 other forums, and felt that I was in the correct state of mind to go through with this act. I took some vicodin, and had my final drink. Without further thought I grabbed my new Jenny 9mm and put it to my head, and I pulled the trigger. As insane as this may sound… I shot myself in the shoulder. How does this happen? How do you go from your head to your shoulder? I still will never understand how that happened…not ever, but while I was lying on the floor, totally in pain, and shock. I thought about just how stupid I am and how desperate I have become. I laid there for around an hour or something like that I think.

It seems that the neighbors in the area heard the gunshot, and it didn’t take long for the police and god knows who else to show up. They banged on my door. I just listened; I couldn’t do anything else but listen, and then they found a way in. I couldn’t move from the floor and I was so cold. I guess I was losing a lot of blood or something. I was lying there trapped with my own thoughts, which weren’t very pleasant and then I don’t know what happened. I guess I passed out. Strange when I think about it in hindsight. I was every other emotion except afraid.

I woke up 2 days later in the hospital, with some law officer staring me in the face along with a doctor whose bedside manner was so very much annoying. They wanted to know if I was attempting suicide. I told them that it was an accident. No way was I going to tell them I was trying to off myself…they would never have let me leave that place and most likely, they would have shipped me off to some mental health facility for “observation” so I lied big time and told them that I had accidentally pulled the trigger on my gun while I was messing around with it. I stubbornly stuck to that story, but it was obvious to me that they didn’t buy it, but what could they do? Now they are making me talk with this “Mental Health Professional” who is asking more and more personal questions and it is irritating, but I asked for it with the stunt I pulled. These people aren’t stupid, and I don’t think I can fool them forever. They know what I was trying to do.

The fact that I went through with it shows me that #1 I’m more courageous than I ever thought. #2 I guess I do what I say I’m gonna do, and #3 I’m serious about this life thing. But this extreme pain, and the exit wound that I have in my wiped out shoulder carries with it, its own rough logic that makes me have to rethink what the hell am I’m doing with my life. Why do I have to go through such extremes to find a measure of peace. Why can’t I just be a nice person who enjoys life like everyone else?

I think I am forced against my own will, to consider the possibilities of shock-treatments or prayer because that’s my only option. I feel as though I’ve tried everything else. And yes, I know I was going on and on about Christians and how I hate them, but look what mess I j

LITTLEALBATROSS29

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:05 AM

River,
My heart just aches for your pain.I've had a few breakdowns myself & know from whence you speak.I wish there were something I could say to help, but the "you're not alone" crap never did it for me.Actually ,like you, I am alone .
Faith does the trick ,sometimes.Other times not so much.
If you ever want to talk, I'll be around(probably in some dark corner,where it's raining ).

Bryce
********************************************8

I swallowed a bug.

EMBERS

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:34 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

My finger hurts from all this typing, and I’m tired again. Poor, egocentric, dramatic, center-of-the-‘verse me.

River

I've been away a couple of months, so this is the first I've seen this thread...and I've read the whole thing from the beginning.

Fact is a lot of people are alive and get up everyday because suicide is hard. It is difficult to injure yourself (missing your head & hitting your shoulder isn't that surprising, something in us is hard-wired to preserve ourselves). Plus all those around you who will try to prevent someone bleeding to death if they can.

I hope you noticed that there are people here to cared... They didn't want anything from you. They are willing to accept you as you are, without looking to change you.

You came to this site because of Firefly/Serenity, I would think that something in those characters spoke to you. Mal himself is certainly someone who lost everthing he ever cared about, lost his faith in everything, but is satisfied to just keep flying.

While you're convolessing (I'm a terrible speller, sorry about that), take the time to rewatch Firefly and give yourself some space...

Good luck.

**********************************************
watch the R. Tam Session vids: http://www.hittarivertam.nu/
and buy the 'Serenity' comics published by Dark Horse
have you checked out this thread?:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=2&t=15816

and listen to 'I'm Going To See Serenity':
http://music.podshow.com/music/listeners/artistdetails.php?BandHash=a0
c814e1229742ce77ed4497cbf4631c

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:53 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by embers:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

My finger hurts from all this typing, and I’m tired again. Poor, egocentric, dramatic, center-of-the-‘verse me.

River

I've been away a couple of months, so this is the first I've seen this thread...and I've read the whole thing from the beginning.

Fact is a lot of people are alive and get up everyday because suicide is hard. It is difficult to injure yourself (missing your head & hitting your shoulder isn't that surprising, something in us is hard-wired to preserve ourselves). Plus all those around you who will try to prevent someone bleeding to death if they can.

I hope you noticed that there are people here to cared... They didn't want anything from you. They are willing to accept you as you are, without looking to change you.

You came to this site because of Firefly/Serenity, I would think that something in those characters spoke to you. Mal himself is certainly someone who lost everthing he ever cared about, lost his faith in everything, but is satisfied to just keep flying.

While you're convolessing (I'm a terrible speller, sorry about that), take the time to rewatch Firefly and give yourself some space...

Good luck.

**********************************************
watch the R. Tam Session vids: http://www.hittarivertam.nu/
and buy the 'Serenity' comics published by Dark Horse
have you checked out this thread?:
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=2&t=15816

and listen to 'I'm Going To See Serenity':
http://music.podshow.com/music/listeners/artistdetails.php?BandHash=a0
c814e1229742ce77ed4497cbf4631c

Yes, this is true Embers,
I did and now know completely that a lot of people in this forum seemed to care a lot about what I had to say and what I did. At first I thought this sort of behavior was strange, but later on I began to regret a lot of the mean things that I had said to them months ago before I knew that they were people with big hearts. I do admit that I'm really sorry about that. I'm real quick to point the finger at people and accuse them of being evil or narrow-minded, and I do this a lot with everyone, which is why I won't be winning any Miss Congeniality contests anytime soon. I’m beginning to see that yes this planet has a lot of problems, and yes sometimes life can be a very cruel and indifferent place, but there are two kinds of people that inhabit this world. Those who do evil and are part of the problem, and those who do good, and are part of the solution. I thought I was one of the good people, but it turns out that people like me are part of the problem. I no longer want to be part of the problem.

Of course the characters in Firefly/Serenity spoke to me. From the very 1st time I saw Serenity and then the Firefly series, I felt a part of each character…even Jayne at some points. Malcolm Reynolds is my everlasting stubbornness. Zoë is the fighting heart of all warrior women. River is the brilliant, but wounded child with the wan smile and the crazy laugh. Kaylee is the heart of all we wish for humanity to be. Wash is the big, lovable, teddy bear we want to cling on too. Inara is the prefect balance of beauty, elegance, and intelligence that we all wish we had. Book has the patience, wisdom and clarity which might forever be out of our reach. Simon is that impossibly loyal brother we always wanted. Jayne is that hero that shows up and helps you out when the chips are down. I know these characters well. In a way, I knew these characters before I ever even heard of Serenity/Firefly. The characters all represent people I’ve always wanted to have in my life, and I see a lot of those characters represented in this forum in a lot of ways.

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:56 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by citizen:
Been lurking around this thread but I'm not really qualified to reply, so I'll just say...

Hi.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

Hi back at you Citizen! Yes you are qualified to reply.

River

P.S. Why is all this typing so dark? The fonts I mean?

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:01 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Hixie129:
River

I could never be mad at you, I love you.

Thats such a nice thing to say.

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:03 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by otma:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Forgive me if I missed something in that very well thought out post, but do you suspect that I'm suffering from some form of depression? I don't feel depressed, but I also do not trust my own judgment at this point...I don't really know what I am, and what I'm suffering from. I do know now that suicide is totally out for me. I've down my bit in that direction and I've failed at it completely and brought a boatload of trouble down upon myself in the process. You posters are so nice and so full of info that I might use for myself later. You are all so giving, and here I lay...just taking like some kind of leech.

What is Wicca any way?

River

Wicca is essentially a modern re-creation/revival of pre-Christian European/Celtic paganism, sometimes with elements of other faiths and practices, such as Buddhism and Ceremonial Magic included in the mix. There are many different forms of Wicca, and not all pagan oriented faiths refer to themselves as Wiccan, although all Wiccans are pagan. Like any faith, Wicca does have its share of flakes, fundamentalists (who will insist their form of Wicca is the ONLY true one) and frauds, but stereotypes of all Wiccans being naive goth girls or crystal and rainbow new age dabblers are inaccurate. The roots of Wicca are ancient, but it is essentially a modern faith, although older branches are decades old by now. Some Wiccans are very formal and ritualistic, some are very eclectic and informal. Common elements of Wiccan faith include acceptance of both male (god) and female (goddess) divine images, observance of the cycles of nature (moon cycles, solstices and equinoxes), belief in karma and reincarnation, and belief in divine power being manifest in the natural world and its inhabitants, rather than standing apart from them. Wicca does not have Hell or judgement in the Christian sense, there is a concept of right and wrong, but not "sin", and it lacks the squeamish and punitive views of sexuality that seem common in some other faiths. The main "law" of Wicca, known as the Wiccan Rede, is "An' it harm none, do as you will." This is often seen by non-Wiccans, and even by some "party pagans" to mean total licentiousness, but it is actually a much more difficult rule to follow than it first appears, and is not far from the famous "Golden Rule." There is a lot more to the ritual and practice, especially within specific groups, but while noone would say I've given you a complete picture here, I don't think many would say I've given you any misleading or false information, except perhaps those who don't accept that Wicca is partially modern, and not a direct continuation of ancient practice.

I might look into that...it sounds interesting. Thanks for the information!

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by LittleAlbatross29:
River,
My heart just aches for your pain.I've had a few breakdowns myself & know from whence you speak.I wish there were something I could say to help, but the "you're not alone" crap never did it for me.Actually ,like you, I am alone .
Faith does the trick ,sometimes.Other times not so much.
If you ever want to talk, I'll be around(probably in some dark corner,where it's raining ).

Bryce
********************************************8

I swallowed a bug.

The fact that you even bothered to say something to me shows that you still have life within you. Life can be, and is a lonely place, so my heart, or what's left of it goes out to you completly.

Breakdowns are not fun, and telling people about them sometimes only makes it worse. I've vented more information about myself to you kind folks on this forum than I have ever let people in my personal life know. I guess its safer this way.

I guess the thread title is starting to make some sense. To be or Not to Be...I guess To Be means we are here to help each other. I have to think about this some more, but I think I'm on to something...

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:26 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by singate:
I'm just glad that you're a bad shot! Seriously though, I imagine you will be having an interesting couple of months. Between the trouble with your neighbors and I'm guessing some legal issues you look to be a busy girl. How fucked up is it that what you tried to do is considered a crime! I will also hazard a guess that this won't sit well at your company.

Well, chin up and all that, glad you are still with us. Even though it is difficult for you to type I hope you will check in with us regularly.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

You don't know the half of it! They removed every weapon from my home. They searched ALL my houses! They got rid of almost everything in my medicine cabinet, and I have to see these people who are going to "interview" me. I won't admit to the suicide attempt. I'm sure they also want to find out if I'm dangerous to other people, which I'm not, but you never know what these "professionals" will come up with to keep themselves on the gravy train, so I better be careful! I hope to god none of them are in this forum, or find out I post here then the jig will be up and they will lock me away and feed me green jello and force me to watch reruns of Gilligan's Island forever.

River

DINKY

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:36 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
No, but thanks for asking. I stole this SIG from some person on the BSG board...cool huh! In the gaming world, epecially in FPS I am known as ScandalQwK and play TFC, DOD, COD, Medal of Honor, and sometimes AVP2 whenever i get kinda edgy. And I'm a wingman for Arrow Squadron in Lock On! I've thought about joining the City of Heros, but I'm just into killing things...you know, fight or flight? That's my story. I'm sort of a one-of-a-kind kind of gal that doesnt seem like she fits anywhere. It's sort of sad and pathetic when you think about it, but thank god for the internet. My mission if any, is to be queen of the cyber skies.

Anyway, What makes you get up and fight life everyday? Why do you even bother? tell me, maybe I might learn something.

River

*Gasp* You're just like me!!

Hey you use TrackiR Pro??? http://www.naturalpoint.com/trackir <--- AWESOME

I used to play pretty much all those games.... Then they got old. I play COD2, Quake 4, Lock On... Uhh... Some other stuff. I'm a techy, I gotta have the new stuff. I'm the kind of person that will buy UT2007 even though I KNOW it will suck, I just know it will look really good.

And as for why I get up?? Goals (hobbies and such), Family and God. That may not seem like much, but I have a lot of Goals a lot of Family and a lot of Faith, so it's actually pretty even.

I wish I could think of more.

"Th3re !s n0 spo0Ne." -The Matricks

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:48 AM

I love FPS games, but since I have only use of one hand right now I won't be playing any games anytime soon. Hobbies? Yes, hobbies are great for giving you something to look forward to, but does it fill the space on the To be or Not to Be area? For some yes, for others...not enough.

COD2? I was still playing the 1st one, which is still really fun. UT2007? I didnt even know that they were going to bring that out! Quake4? I had stopped playing Quake 3 and stuck with Half-life2 for my death match. Times are really changing faster than I can keep up. God? Thats an issue that my mental congress is still arguing over.

P.S. I never even thought of it, thanks for bringing it up...I'M NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PLAY ONLINE GAMES FOR A WHILE!!!!! *SOB* ARRRRGGHHHH!!!!! OMG!

River

SHINY

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 4:55 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
P.S. Why is all this typing so dark? The fonts I mean?

When you 'reply with quote' you probably accidentally erased or typed over one of the 'tags' that signify the beginning and end of the quoted text. The beginning tag for a section is marked by square brackets '[' and ']' and the end tag for a section also has a backslash '/'(or is it forward slash? I can never remember) after the first square bracket.

Er...not that you were really asking for that much detail...

Anyway...nice to have you back...now...on the forum.

---

I don't need a gorram back-spaceship driver!!!

CITIZEN

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 7:35 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
P.S. Why is all this typing so dark? The fonts I mean?

The Quote block has been jammed on by my signicture picture. If you put a space between the [[]/B[]][[]/QUOTE[]] bit and the picture URL that should sort it.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 7:49 AM

Okay, I think I got it right!

How are you doing Citizen? Still afraid to talk to the crazy person because it might mess with your rep? Anyway, I'm watching Aliens 2 right now and my fav scene is on....the dropship scene. I luv it. Too bad they all get wasted by the aliens, but that dropship scene is always good for the old ego. LOL!

River

CITIZEN

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 8:03 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverR6213:
How are you doing Citizen?

Not bad, you?

Quote:
Still afraid to talk to the crazy person because it might mess with your rep?

If that was true I'd have to stop talking to myself in the mirror.

Quote:
Anyway, I'm watching Aliens 2 right now and my fav scene is on....the dropship scene. I luv it. Too bad they all get wasted by the aliens, but that dropship scene is always good for the old ego.

'Tis a good film, directed by James Cameron while he was still good and not the big headed waster that inflicted Titanic on the world.

A film that I wish had lived up to it's namesake.

"Somebody wake up Hicks."
Cause I can't, I've got to leave for work, oh now...

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

SINGATE

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 8:11 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Too bad they all get wasted by the aliens...
River

Actually one of the great things about the movie is how the characters face their deaths. Ripley asks Hicks to kill her before she can be taken by the aliens. He tells her if it comes down to it he'll do both of them. Hell yeah! Hudson whines and complains throughout the movie but goes out like a man. BTW Bill Paxton was awesome in that role. Vasquez is one of the best kickass characters ever! She even helps that pussy lieutentant to have a heroic death.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 8:27 AM

You again!!! The Citizen! Speaking to me? Next time I'll throw myself in front of a train if this is what it takes.

I’m fairing well I guess. If I’m not sleeping, I’m watching movies. I seem to either go for an Audrey Hepburn tear-jerker, or I watch an action packed film where some little guy goes up against an evil empire.

Oh, so you are going to occasionally talk to the crazy person? This is a good thing, but as for yourself…you are anything but crazy and the choosy mothers of JIFF tend to agree with me on this particular point.
Titanic? LoL! Titanic was a good movie and I loved it. So what if it was an overly dramatic film? It was a good movie, and was quite watchable (is that a word?) in its own right. Though I didn’t really much care for the lead actor dying the way he did. A good man dies for his woman, but I felt his death was so unnecessary. Who really knows, but I’m glad I wasn’t on that ship!

River

Next movie is The mask of Zorro. I luv Zorro!

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 8:32 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by singate:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Too bad they all get wasted by the aliens...
River

Actually one of the great things about the movie is how the characters face their deaths. Ripley asks Hicks to kill her before she can be taken by the aliens. He tells her if it comes down to it he'll do both of them. Hell yeah! Hudson whines and complains throughout the movie but goes out like a man. BTW Bill Paxton was awesome in that role. Vasquez is one of the best kickass characters ever! She even helps that pussy lieutentant to have a heroic death.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

Ripley and Vasquez are still my main-stay heros to this day. I love the way Vasquez has the words "adios" painted on her smart-gun. When I 1st saw that I laughed forever. It was a nice touch to a great character.

River

CITIZEN

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:27 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Next time I'll throw myself in front of a train if this is what it takes.

Don't do that! It's all fun and games until someone ends up splattered over the 08:20 intercity and people end up late for work.

Quote:
Oh, so you are going to occasionally talk to the crazy person? This is a good thing, but as for yourself…you are anything but crazy and the choosy mothers of JIFF tend to agree with me on this particular point.

*puts underpants on his head and pencils up his nose*
Wibble!

How about now?

Who in the sphincter of hell are the mothers of JIFF?

Quote:
Titanic? LoL! Titanic was a good movie and I loved it. So what if it was an overly dramatic film?

It was more turning pretty much the worst maritime disasters in history where thousands died, into a love story. A fairly cliche and lame love story.

I mean really, they're on a ship that's sinking where thousands died, do we really need some nut case running around with a gun to give the story some drama and peril?

I personally think A Night to Remember ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051994/ ) is better, despite being black and white and made in the fifties.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

BROWNCOAT1

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 12:34 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

Definitely a good thing River. You had us worried. It is good to have you home.

I am glad that your attempt failed. You failed for a reason. I am not one to impose my beliefs on anyone, but I will simply say that you were not meant to die so you are still here. I think you should look upon this as a chance at a fresh start. Put all of these thoughts of suicide out of your mind and focus on healing. You have friends here and people who are willing to listen, to try to help you. I'm no professional, but I am told I am a really good listener. I imagine I am not the only one here.

If you want to talk, go right ahead, we'll listen. If you want advise we can offer it, but only if you want it. No one is going to judge you or push you to do anything you don't want to.

My best friend committed suicide when I was in high school. I have suffered bouts of depression that would make a goth seem like a bubbly, chipper person, and like many I have considered suicide. I never went down that road. Let's just say it is not in my nature. Being Scottish I am just too damn stubborn to die. I'd rather fight and spit in the eye of whatever is bothering me than to give in to it.

If you need us we are here. Just remember you have friends, family really, here on this site. We browncoats stick together & we look out for our own.

Just keep flyin' River. That's what matters.

__________________________________________

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

Richmond, VA & surrounding area Firefly Fans:

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/richmondbrowncoats/

http://www.richmondbrowncoats.org

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 2:53 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by citizen:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Next time I'll throw myself in front of a train if this is what it takes.

Don't do that! It's all fun and games until someone ends up splattered over the 08:20 intercity and people end up late for work.
Quote:
Oh, so you are going to occasionally talk to the crazy person? This is a good thing, but as for yourself…you are anything but crazy and the choosy mothers of JIFF tend to agree with me on this particular point.

*puts underpants on his head and pencils up his nose*
Wibble!

How about now?

Who in the sphincter of hell are the mothers of JIFF?
Quote:
Titanic? LoL! Titanic was a good movie and I loved it. So what if it was an overly dramatic film?

It was more turning pretty much the worst maritime disasters in history where thousands died, into a love story. A fairly cliche and lame love story.

I mean really, they're on a ship that's sinking where thousands died, do we really need some nut case running around with a gun to give the story some drama and peril?

I personally think A Night to Remember ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0051994/ ) is better, despite being black and white and made in the fifties.

I have a copy of “A Night to Remember" and yes, it is better than the new Titanic, and yes they did turn the new Titanic into a love story, which served as a great distraction from the true horror of the movie. But I’m a sucker for a love story. The only time the love story angle failed completely to grab me was in the remake of Pearl Harbor with Ben Affleck. Tora, Tora, Tora is still my all time Pearl Harbor movie.

I guess you haven’t watched very many America commercials. There is this one commercial selling a particular brand of peanut butter called JIFF. Their little lingo is “Choosy Mother’s Choose JIFF” They play this commercial all the time to the point where it makes you want to choke. They seem to only play this commercial during day time television hours. Since I’m haven’t been to work in a while, I get to watch day time TV. I guess this commercial is aimed at all of those housewives who are at home taking care of screaming kids.

River

CITIZEN

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:05 PM

Fair enough. Not many people would rate Bad Taste, which I happen to think was one of the funniest films ever made. It's Peter Jackson's first film, real low budget, cost about $(NZ)1000 and is about a group of space Aliens from an Intergalactic fast food company called Crumbs Country delights, searching for the next big taste sensation to hit the universe.

It happens to be Humans. Also has one of the best lines from a film: "Can't do that Frank, I'm a Derrick, Derricks don't run."

High-larious. I imagine normal people would find it disturbing, but they're boring.

I don't see many US mind control, erm I mean Commercials becauseI'm a dirty Brit.

More insane ramblings by the people who brought you beeeer milkshakes!
No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. But I know none, and therefore am no beast.

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:14 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by BrownCoat1:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Well, for all of those who are interested, I made it back. Not sure if that's a good or bad thing, but here I am.

River

Definitely a good thing River. You had us worried. It is good to have you home.

I am glad that your attempt failed. You failed for a reason. I am not one to impose my beliefs on anyone, but I will simply say that you were not meant to die so you are still here. I think you should look upon this as a chance at a fresh start. Put all of these thoughts of suicide out of your mind and focus on healing. You have friends here and people who are willing to listen, to try to help you. I'm no professional, but I am told I am a really good listener. I imagine I am not the only one here.

If you want to talk, go right ahead, we'll listen. If you want advise we can offer it, but only if you want it. No one is going to judge you or push you to do anything you don't want to.

My best friend committed suicide when I was in high school. I have suffered bouts of depression that would make a goth seem like a bubbly, chipper person, and like many I have considered suicide. I never went down that road. Let's just say it is not in my nature. Being Scottish I am just too damn stubborn to die. I'd rather fight and spit in the eye of whatever is bothering me than to give in to it.

If you need us we are here. Just remember you have friends, family really, here on this site. We browncoats stick together & we look out for our own.

Just keep flyin' River. That's what matters.

__________________________________________

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

Richmond, VA & surrounding area Firefly Fans:

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/richmondbrowncoats/

http://www.richmondbrowncoats.org

Thank you for that Browncoat1!

Sorry about your best friend.
If you have a bunch of people in your life, then suicide is a completly selfish thing to do, but if you have no friends or no family...no one you feel you love or they love you, then suicide is an easy decision to come to.

I thank all of you who are talking to me right now. I really need this. It makes me feel somewhat "normal" if you can understand what I mean by that. I don't know HOW I managed to not kill myself. I was so determined! You have to understand the weirdness of all of this. I practice at a gun range a lot in the past. I know about HOW certain guns have shock and recoil when you pull the trigger. I still don't understand how I managed to get myself in the shoulder...it doesnt make sense, but my shoulder is a mess and I'm not kidding when I said that. I won't have use of my arm and hand for awhile. And its going to be difficult to explain this to people later on.

If there is a god then this god is seriously fraking with me right now, but I really don't know what to do about it. I have to first dig myself out of this new mess I've put myself in, and I also have to convince certain people that the whole gun issue was an accident, and then 2nd, I think I better get to work on finding reasons to be useful in this world, or at least finding people I can love and trust. There seems to be a boatload of the latter right here on this board, so I might not have to look very hard..who really knows? Typing with one hand really is annoying!

River

RIVER6213

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:15 PM

Double post. Sorry!

River

SIXSHOOTER

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:28 PM

Bad Taste is good, but Brain-dead never fails to rock my jocks off!

There is nothing more hilarious then watching a priest yell at the top of his lungs:
"I KICK ARSE LORD!!"
Before repeatedly booting a zombies head in.

And if you folks like that, have you ever seen "Staplerfahrer Klaus?"

It's a spoof of those on-the-job safety videos, the whole thing is in German but the language doesn't really matter.

http://www.jasonlefkowitz.net/blog1archive/2004/05/staplerfahrer_k.htm
l

CHRISISALL

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 3:30 PM

So you like Cameron's stuff, cool.
Now do what I said and get Dark Angel (Cameron co-wrote the series pilot, and directed the final ep of the second, and final season). I'll bet you the price of the set that you'll like it.

I don't know if you can sense it, but compared to the posts before you accidently shot yourself(!), you sound SO much better.
Thank the Lords of Kobol .

Pssst: Don't talk to Citizen, he's a REAL looney tune. Plus he doesn't even know his partially hydrogenated oil-filled peanut butters!

Chrisisall, happy you're back

LITTLEALBATROSS29

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 5:36 PM

River,
Here's a quote that helps me through the day :
" Isn't sanity a one trick pony , anyway ? I mean all you get is one trick,rational thinking! But when you're good and crazy....oohh hoo hooo ..the sky's the limit !"- The Tick

I find that being able to laugh is great medicine for the soul.Try watching some comedies during your recovery.
You are very right by the way, we are here to help each other.
And I also liked Titanic.The details in that movie always get to me.
Bryce
********************************************

I swallowed a bug.

BROWNCOAT1

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 6:48 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Thank you for that Browncoat1!

You are most certainly welcome! What are browncoats (and friends) for?

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Sorry about your best friend.

I appreciate that River. It was a long time ago.

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
If you have a bunch of people in your life, then suicide is a completly selfish thing to do, but if you have no friends or no family...no one you feel you love or they love you, then suicide is an easy decision to come to.

I agree that suicide if you have friends & family is a bit selfish, but I respectfully disagree that few or no friends, family or loved ones makes suicide a viable option. How do you know that you will not have a loved one or friends in your near future? Wouldn't suicide cheat you and them of that love and relationship?

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I thank all of you who are talking to me right now. I really need this. It makes me feel somewhat "normal" if you can understand what I mean by that. I don't know HOW I managed to not kill myself. I was so determined! You have to understand the weirdness of all of this. I practice at a gun range a lot in the past. I know about HOW certain guns have shock and recoil when you pull the trigger. I still don't understand how I managed to get myself in the shoulder...it doesnt make sense, but my shoulder is a mess and I'm not kidding when I said that. I won't have use of my arm and hand for awhile. And its going to be difficult to explain this to people later on.

If there is a god then this god is seriously fraking with me right now, but I really don't know what to do about it. I have to first dig myself out of this new mess I've put myself in, and I also have to convince certain people that the whole gun issue was an accident, and then 2nd, I think I better get to work on finding reasons to be useful in this world, or at least finding people I can love and trust. There seems to be a boatload of the latter right here on this board, so I might not have to look very hard..who really knows? Typing with one hand really is annoying!

Like I said, I don't push my beliefs on anyone, but obviously you were not meant to die. To me that says it is not your time. Consider it a karmic push in the right direction by the universe. Like Book said, it doesn't matter what you believe, just believe. In this case the power behind the failure does not matter so much as the fact that you failed and are still with us. Think on this as a second chance and make the most of it my friend.

You will get past all the mess you are in now. You have friends here who will help however we can and who will support you in this tough time. I would take advantage of that support network to help get me through this spot. You need to talk, vent or anything else, we are here.

__________________________________________

"May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one."

Richmond, VA & surrounding area Firefly Fans:

http://tv.groups.yahoo.com/group/richmondbrowncoats/

http://www.richmondbrowncoats.org

VAUGHN28

Thursday, April 6, 2006 1:45 AM

River,

Your original question and most of what you have posted on this thread has been in my mind all day. I feel for you and all you are going through.

I'm nobody you know, but I do care for you.

You said somewhere in this thread that most people have kids and spouses, etc. that they live for. In a way, yes, that is why I get up each morning and live my day.

But also I honestly believe that I have a purpose. I know it sounds cheesy, but my purpose is to touch as many lives as I can and do as much good for others as is possible.

Yeah, it's cheesy. What's not cheesy is that it is MY purpose, one I chose, one I created and define each and every day. I get up each and every day and refuse to put a bullet in my brain because this life is MINE.

Action is the antidote to despair. If there is something you don't like in your life, CHANGE IT! Each and every one of us has the power to make our lives what we want it to be.

What do you have to lose? Obviously you are not worried about losing your life, so go for it! Take the risk, make the leap, do something radical. It is YOUR life. You can do what you want with it.

Oh, and buy a dog. Or a cat. Maybe a ferret. Get something cute and fuzzy that will just love you for you. It's cheesy, I know, but you said it yourself, most people get up each day to go take care of someone else.

There is a reason why you missed your head. It may take you ten years to find it out, but it's there.

And the world needs more vocal people out there to rattle everyone else's cages. We need you.

Yours truly no one you know,
vaughn

P.S. I'm a Jiff Mom

RIVER6213

Thursday, April 6, 2006 4:15 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by BrownCoat1:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Thank you for that Browncoat1!

You are most certainly welcome! What are browncoats (and friends) for?

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Sorry about your best friend.

I appreciate that River. It was a long time ago.

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
If you have a bunch of people in your life, then suicide is a completly selfish thing to do, but if you have no friends or no family...no one you feel you love or they love you, then suicide is an easy decision to come to.

I agree that suicide if you have friends & family is a bit selfish, but I respectfully disagree that few or no friends, family or loved ones makes suicide a viable option. How do you know that you will not have a loved one or friends in your near future? Wouldn't suicide cheat you and them of that love and relationship?

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
I thank all of you who are talking to me right now. I really need this. It makes me feel somewhat "normal" if you can understand what I mean by that. I don't know HOW I managed to not kill myself. I was so determined! You have to understand the weirdness of all of this. I practice at a gun range a lot in the past. I know about HOW certain guns have shock and recoil when you pull the trigger. I still don't understand how I managed to get myself in the shoulder...it doesnt make sense, but my shoulder is a mess and I'm not kidding when I said that. I won't have use of my arm and hand for awhile. And its going to be difficult to explain this to people later on.

If there is a god then this god is seriously fraking with me right now, but I really don't know what to do about it. I have to first dig myself out of this new mess I've put myself in, and I also have to convince certain people that the whole gun issue was an accident, and then 2nd, I think I better get to work on finding reasons to be useful in this world, or at least finding people I can love and trust. There seems to be a boatload of the latter right here on this board, so I might not have to look very hard..who really knows? Typing with one hand really is annoying!

Like I said, I don't push my beliefs on anyone, but obviously you were not meant to die. To me that says it is not your time. Consider it a karmic push in the right direction by the universe. Like Book said, it doesn't matter what you believe, just believe. In this case the power behind the failure does not matter so much as the fact that you failed and are still with us. Think on this as a second chance and make the most of it my friend.

You will get past all the mess you are in now. You have friends here who will help however we can and who will support you in this tough time. I would take advantage of that support network to help get me through this spot. You need to talk, vent or anything else, we are here.

__________________________________________

Browncoat1,

Thanks for that!

My moods are shifting faster than I can keep up! I'm in a depressive cycle right now. This morning I was feeling a little hopeful. Anyway thanks for saying all of that...it does help me focus, and its something I DO need to hear right now. I wish my suicide had been successful, but it wasn’t, and I have to live with that. I'm not going to try that again, so that leaves me with the option of living until some natural cause takes me down, or I get hit by a car driven by some thoughtless person who's talking on a cell phone and didn’t see me crossing the street but until then...here I am.

A fresh start? I'm not even sure where to begin, but I know I can't live my life the way that I've been living it for the past 6 years. It’s such a cold life, a lonely life devoid of anything warm. It’s such a mechanical life empty of love, laughter, friendship, fun, silliness, and hope. I have to remind myself that I created this life, and I created it so I could be safe, but

RIVER6213

Thursday, April 6, 2006 4:25 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by chrisisall:
So you like Cameron's stuff, cool.
Now do what I said and get Dark Angel (Cameron co-wrote the series pilot, and directed the final ep of the second, and final season). I'll bet you the price of the set that you'll like it.

I don't know if you can sense it, but compared to the posts before you accidently shot yourself(!), you sound SO much better.
Thank the Lords of Kobol .

Pssst: Don't talk to Citizen, he's a REAL looney tune. Plus he doesn't even know his partially hydrogenated oil-filled peanut butters!

Chrisisall, happy you're back

Chrisiall,

You will be happy to know that I just ordered all of the Dark Angels DVDs. I should get them in about a day or so, and i will watch them all I promise. You keep mentioning them to me, so it must be a good show. Since I don't have the new Battlestar Galactica to watch, I need to fill the gap with something, and I will have a lot of time on my hands (or at least one of them) to watch them. I hope I'm gonna enjoy this!

River

P.S. Citizen's gonna kick your

for saying that!

RIVER6213

Thursday, April 6, 2006 4:46 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by vaughn28:
River,

Your original question and most of what you have posted on this thread has been in my mind all day. I feel for you and all you are going through.

I'm nobody you know, but I do care for you.

You said somewhere in this thread that most people have kids and spouses, etc. that they live for. In a way, yes, that is why I get up each morning and live my day.

But also I honestly believe that I have a purpose. I know it sounds cheesy, but my purpose is to touch as many lives as I can and do as much good for others as is possible.

Yeah, it's cheesy. What's not cheesy is that it is MY purpose, one I chose, one I created and define each and every day. I get up each and every day and refuse to put a bullet in my brain because this life is MINE.

Action is the antidote to despair. If there is something you don't like in your life, CHANGE IT! Each and every one of us has the power to make our lives what we want it to be.

What do you have to lose? Obviously you are not worried about losing your life, so go for it! Take the risk, make the leap, do something radical. It is YOUR life. You can do what you want with it.

Oh, and buy a dog. Or a cat. Maybe a ferret. Get something cute and fuzzy that will just love you for you. It's cheesy, I know, but you said it yourself, most people get up each day to go take care of someone else.

There is a reason why you missed your head. It may take you ten years to find it out, but it's there.

And the world needs more vocal people out there to rattle everyone else's cages. We need you.

Yours truly no one you know,
vaughn

P.S. I'm a Jiff Mom

"Choosy Mother's choose JIFF"

I heard that like 10 times today! I was trying to watch those day time soaps and every commercial was a JIFF commercial!

In order to change things I have to 1st know what it is that needs changing. I fear that I might have to go as far as a total character make-over which means destroying the Glenda-that-is and replacing her with another model. But what that new model will I don’t know, but anything is better than me right now. I’m mean look at all of my posts...I just noticed it. Are you aware how many times I say “I” and “me?” I’m so self-centered, so egotistical, so full of myself. Since when did I become so fraking important? This behavior has to go…it really does. The world is not about me.

Change? Yes I need, and want to change. I have to change. Look at that, here “I” go again.

You are right Vaugh28 action is what is needed here and I’m in the process of doing something about it.

Wow! You thought about something I said all day? (See, here I go again thinking I’m at the center of the ‘verse) I guess I do shoot my mouth off, and I (“I” again) never really learned to shut up.

With that, I thank you for your kind words, and your advice. I’ve always wanted a dog, but was too busy to take care of one. I need to take care of something, and a dog is needy enough that it will give me something to do.

River

HIXIE129

Thursday, April 6, 2006 11:13 AM

Hi River,

River you don't need to remake Glenda, you just need to fall in love again. You are an intelligent, interesting and beautiful woman. You just have to let someone into your world. Let them touch your heart--- then you will find laughter, friendship, fun, silliness, and hope again.

BROWNCOAT1

Thursday, April 6, 2006 12:10 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

Browncoat1,

Thanks for that!

My moods are shifting faster than I can keep up! I'm in a depressive cycle right now. This morning I was feeling a little hopeful. Anyway thanks for saying all of that...it does help me focus, and its something I DO need to hear right now. I wish my suicide had been successful, but it wasn’t, and I have to live with that. I'm not going to try that again, so that leaves me with the option of living until some natural cause takes me down, or I get hit by a car driven by some thoughtless person who's talking on a cell phone and didn’t see me crossing the street but until then...here I am.

A fresh start? I'm not even sure where to begin, but I know I can't live my life the way that I've been living it for the past 6 years. It’s such a cold life, a lonely life devoid of anything warm. It’s such a mechanical life empty of love, laughter, friendship, fun, silliness, and hope. I have to remind myself that I created this life, and I created it so I could be safe, but I don't feel safe. I created a gilded cage and here I sit in the middle of it. Mission accomplished.

I have to find a way to really want to be here. Not a fake-it-until-you-make-it scenario, which brings me to the point of the subject of my original post called: I don’t care what you believe, just believe! I knew that there would come a day that I was so miserable and so unhappy that I would do just about anything to bring a measure of peace in my life, and here it is! I used to be a Christian a long time ago. I was a Christian because that family that rescued me instilled that in me. They were so nice and they prayed all the time, so I did too. Later in life when I was busy carving out my empire, I dropped the whole Christianity bit because I viewed it as lacking, and then I started to believe that, and then I became totally anti-Christian later on because it made me feel superior. And look at the result. I’m alone, I was suicidal. I lost faith in everything including myself. I started drinking heavily. I started viewing humans in general as a waste of time, and I had contempt for the entire world and wanted it to be destroyed. This is the state of mind of someone that is not connected, or balanced in any way. I guess my point is, that out of self-preservation, I’m considering prayer to save what’s left of my state of mind…it’s my only hope I think.

Anyway, I'm thankful that you guys are talking to me about all of this...helping me sort it out, helping me get some balance, and offering possible options. I am very grateful.

River

Well, that is the first step River, the attempt was not successful & is behind you now. Now you have to focus on getting your life in order and making it one that is positive, enjoyable & one worth living. Having positive and caring people in your life will help you to put the pieces back together.

Yep, a fresh start. Not many people are lucky enough to get one of those. A cold life without love, emotion, joy, friends or family is not really a life but merely existing. Life is meant to be lived, not just an automatic function like breathing. Just as you created the life that lead you to want to end it, you can reshape your life now to make it one that fills you with happiness and love.

Just believe. We all need belief. Belief in something greater than ourselves. Some find it in religion, some in family, some in one cause or another, but the fact is they find something to believe in. I'm not saying religion is what you need River, it could be that it is. I am not a religious person, but I respect others for their beliefs. Perhaps you should talk to some of the Christian browncoats here on the board & take it slow. It could be that the power of prayer will help to heal you and get you on the right path to rebuilding your life. Just believe. That is where it starts.

You are already part of the way there. You know you need something in your life. You just need to determine what it is you want. You h

VAUGHN28

Thursday, April 6, 2006 1:31 PM

Makeovers take time River. And no, you don't need to make over you, you need to make over what is making you miserable.

I think what is important is just that you take the first step towards doing it. It doesn't have to all be redone overnight. Baby steps...but steps. You need to feel accomplishment and worth. Each day accomplish something, even if it's just rewatching Firefly.

And River, you are the center of your own universe. It doesn't mean you are egotistical, it means you care about you. That is a good step.

I myself have been to the brink of that abyss known as suicide. But I recognized I didn't want to die, I wanted the pain and confusion to end. I took a step away from the abyss. Each day I wake up and ask myself "Am I going to live today or am I going to die? Live...okay then I am going to do my best at it!" Yes, I'm a damn perky overachiever type.

Dogs are fun! Get one! They will love you for being you.

Prayer is good...but don't do it alone. Go find a church. No, I'm not christian, but the one's I know say that praying with others is fun.

It takes time. Give yourself the time. Have patience and understanding with yourself.

vaughn

CHRISISALL

Thursday, April 6, 2006 3:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

You will be happy to know that I just ordered all of the Dark Angels DVDs.

P.S. Citizen's gonna kick your for saying that!

There's a severe gear shift between season one and two, so be prepared.
Let me know how you like it when you start seein' it.

Citizen can't kick my

just now; I owe him money for using his patented phrase 'Digital Age Feudalism'...OOOPS!
Now I owe him double....

Chrisisall

REAVERMAN

Thursday, April 6, 2006 9:49 PM

Hey, River! Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I'm glad that your still kickin'!

You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.

RIVER6213

Friday, April 7, 2006 12:48 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by reaverman:
Hey, River! Sorry it took me so long to get back to this thread. I'm glad that your still kickin'!

You're welcome on my boat. God ain't.

Hi Reaver!

I just woke up and am eating a Liverwurst sandwhich and watching the news. I seem to be sleeping more than I should. How are you? I hope things are fine.

River

RIVER6213

Friday, April 7, 2006 1:04 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by BrownCoat1:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

Browncoat1,

Thanks for that!

My moods are shifting faster than I can keep up! I'm in a depressive cycle right now. This morning I was feeling a little hopeful. Anyway thanks for saying all of that...it does help me focus, and its something I DO need to hear right now. I wish my suicide had been successful, but it wasn’t, and I have to live with that. I'm not going to try that again, so that leaves me with the option of living until some natural cause takes me down, or I get hit by a car driven by some thoughtless person who's talking on a cell phone and didn’t see me crossing the street but until then...here I am.

A fresh start? I'm not even sure where to begin, but I know I can't live my life the way that I've been living it for the past 6 years. It’s such a cold life, a lonely life devoid of anything warm. It’s such a mechanical life empty of love, laughter, friendship, fun, silliness, and hope. I have to remind myself that I created this life, and I created it so I could be safe, but I don't feel safe. I created a gilded cage and here I sit in the middle of it. Mission accomplished.

I have to find a way to really want to be here. Not a fake-it-until-you-make-it scenario, which brings me to the point of the subject of my original post called: I don’t care what you believe, just believe! I knew that there would come a day that I was so miserable and so unhappy that I would do just about anything to bring a measure of peace in my life, and here it is! I used to be a Christian a long time ago. I was a Christian because that family that rescued me instilled that in me. They were so nice and they prayed all the time, so I did too. Later in life when I was busy carving out my empire, I dropped the whole Christianity bit because I viewed it as lacking, and then I started to believe that, and then I became totally anti-Christian later on because it made me feel superior. And look at the result. I’m alone, I was suicidal. I lost faith in everything including myself. I started drinking heavily. I started viewing humans in general as a waste of time, and I had contempt for the entire world and wanted it to be destroyed. This is the state of mind of someone that is not connected, or balanced in any way. I guess my point is, that out of self-preservation, I’m considering prayer to save what’s left of my state of mind…it’s my only hope I think.

Anyway, I'm thankful that you guys are talking to me about all of this...helping me sort it out, helping me get some balance, and offering possible options. I am very grateful.

River

Well, that is the first step River, the attempt was not successful & is behind you now. Now you have to focus on getting your life in order and making it one that is positive, enjoyable & one worth living. Having positive and caring people in your life will help you to put the pieces back together.

Yep, a fresh start. Not many people are lucky enough to get one of those. A cold life without love, emotion, joy, friends or family is not really a life but merely existing. Life is meant to be lived, not just an automatic function like breathing. Just as you created the life that lead you to want to end it, you can reshape your life now to make it one that fills you with happiness and love.

Just believe. We all need belief. Belief in something greater than ourselves. Some find it in religion, some in family, some in one cause or another, but the fact is they find something to believe in. I'm not saying religion is what you need River, it could be that it is. I am not a religious person, but I respect others for their beliefs. Perhaps you should talk to some of the Christian browncoats here on the board & take it slow. It could be that the power of prayer will help to heal you and get you on the right path to rebuilding your life. Just believe. That is where it starts.

You are already part of the way there. You know you need something in your life. You just

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RIVER6213

Friday, April 7, 2006 7:59 AM

Six:
“Deep down inside, she knows she’s a Cylon, but her conscious mind won’t accept it”

SINGATE

Friday, April 7, 2006 8:53 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Six:
“Deep down inside, she knows she’s a Cylon, but her conscious mind won’t accept it”

Why do I get the feeling you are relating to this in some way?

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

RIVER6213

Friday, April 7, 2006 3:22 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by singate:
Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Six:
“Deep down inside, she knows she’s a Cylon, but her conscious mind won’t accept it”

Why do I get the feeling you are relating to this in some way?

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

Oh, last night I was watching some of the reruns of the new BSG, and there was this episode where this lady who flew one of those Raptor fighters, suspected that she was a Cylon and tried to kill herself. I related to her confusion as SIX was explaining to Baltar what she was going through. It's strange how I missed seening this scene the 1st time I watched it.

Deep down inside, I've always known i was somehow different, but i always found a way to fool myself into thinking and acting as though I was normal, but there was always that nagging feeling that someday I would be found out, or someday I would do something "terrible" and unforgivable.

Anyway, I felt very sorry for that girl on BSG.

River

JMB9039

Friday, April 7, 2006 3:36 PM

Quote:

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life.

I find it interesting that you exclude all Christians from the "normal, rational people." Since Christians are in the majority, I find it funny that you wouldn't consider them "normal". And to consider them irrational? Well, we all have faith in something and categorzing a whole group like that is a little ridiculous. I'm not a zealot, nor are most, but your prejudice seems a little arrogant.

Now, as for what get's me moving - seeing GW keep on falling - it is a great rush! Other than that, I live a pretty exciting life. Although I probably don't go out as much as I used to (I'm 30 and engaged now), I still hang with my friends and they are a crazy bunch. Writers, artists, painters, teachers, musicians, pool sharks, globe trotters, etc. We live life up when we get together - soaking up the air and food and drink and everything else we can experience. It never gets dull - creativity, creative people - that's what I love.

JMB9039

Friday, April 7, 2006 3:36 PM

SINGATE

Friday, April 7, 2006 3:56 PM

Quote:
...there was this episode where this lady who flew one of those Raptor fighters, suspected that she was a Cylon and tried to kill herself. I related to her confusion as SIX was explaining to Baltar what she was going through.

Anyway, I felt very sorry for that girl on BSG.

River

I guess the two of you do have something in common as she only managed to blow out one of her cheeks. How is it a cylon would miss at such close range?

Hopefully you don't follow the same path as her. You know, running into a bunch of people who look like you, setting off a nuke, trying to kill an old man, then getting fragged by one of your former co-workers.

Not to mention being replaced by another version of yourself, winding up pregnant, and being held hostage for tactical information. That simply wouldn't do.

_________________________________________________

We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.

WINDIE

Friday, April 7, 2006 4:39 PM

Well I have just spent about an hour reading this thread and to be honest I would normally have just walked on by. Not to sure why I stopped to be honest and at the moment, I am thinking about reading it again.

It will probably take me an hour to reply as I do not provide input often. I like to read and ingest other peoples thoughts be they trivial or mountain mover's.

I can only say that I get up each day because I am a nosey sod, I just love to know what is going on. Not with people so much as machines, I like to know how and why things work.

I can relate to pain but I never let it beat me. So will not go into that here.

I don't generally like people to be honest, I tend to wait until I have gotten to know them although sometimes I don't even bother to do that. I tend to alienate people because I generally say what I think and be damned, I don't think I will be on this planet that long and I haven't the time to Pi$$ away worrying about what anyone thinks about me or my own. If I make a friend it is usually for life, I say usually as now and again people manage to sneak in under the radar.

But the reason for the quick responce, quick to read a long time to write (trust me), is I'm glad your still on this planet. It takes some doing for me to bother to respond to a thread, so I just want to say thank you River for starting the thread and to the many people that have bothered to respond.

Well I think I will read it again, I think it's worth the hour. Maybe post again enjoy what you have and remember it's not all about personal wealth but I can only presume it helps.

Why have they taken the sky from ME

RIVER6213

Friday, April 7, 2006 7:26 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jmb9039:
Quote:

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life.

I find it interesting that you exclude all Christians from the "normal, rational people." Since Christians are in the majority, I find it funny that you wouldn't consider them "normal". And to consider them irrational? Well, we all have faith in something and categorzing a whole group like that is a little ridiculous. I'm not a zealot, nor are most, but your prejudice seems a little arrogant.

At this point I don't even know HOW to respond too that. Anyway. Arrogant? yes, I am very arrogant.

River

OTMA

Friday, April 7, 2006 11:54 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:
Quote:
Originally posted by jmb9039:
Quote:

This thread is about the normal, rational people of life, and what they do to survive day to day life.

I find it interesting that you exclude all Christians from the "normal, rational people." Since Christians are in the majority, I find it funny that you wouldn't consider them "normal". And to consider them irrational? Well, we all have faith in something and categorzing a whole group like that is a little ridiculous. I'm not a zealot, nor are most, but your prejudice seems a little arrogant.

At this point I don't even know HOW to respond too that. Anyway. Arrogant? yes, I am very arrogant.

River

I'm tempted to respond to that, but I'm afraid it would just start the flame war that would drag the thread down into the troll pit, and I like it right where it is.
You know, River, your comment about always knowing you were different somehow makes a lot of sense to me, because I have often felt the same way, and I know others who do as well. I could say that considering what passes for normal, I'm gorram proud to be different, but that would probably make me arrogant too. Can we start an Arrogant Club, where we automatically reject all membership applications, and the only way to join is to ignore us and assume you're in anyway because you are arrogant enough to think the club wouldn't be complete without you? Seriously though, I think there's a lot of "different" people here. After all, we're dedicated to a show that the network, according to the wisdom of catering to an assumed majority, cancelled. If we were like "everyone else", I suppose we'd be watching reality tv and obsessing over the love lives and drug habits of whatever celebrity the tabloids are stalking this week. It's not easy to be different, but it can have its rewards, and it sure beats living a lie. It's said that life is a comedy for those who think, and a tragedy for those who feel. What if you both think and feel? Well, for people here, I guess that means life is Firefly. Being different ain't being bad. I think life showed you the bad, as bad as it gets, and you're still here.
I haven't seen any of the new BSG, and I don't even have cable right now, but I really should check it out. I've never heard a bad opinion of it, except for someone I know who was a huge fan of the original, and Dirk Bennedict in particular, and she just can't accept the gender switching of her favorite character. Dark Angel, I've only started watching the second season of.
Hope your day has been ok, despite the "only able to use one hand" thing. I'm off on vacation soon, off the rural land of spotty internet access, but I'll try to keep up as much as I can.
And I'm still happy you're here.

RIVER6213

Saturday, April 8, 2006 12:26 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by windie:
Well I have just spent about an hour reading this thread and to be honest I would normally have just walked on by. Not to sure why I stopped to be honest and at the moment, I am thinking about reading it again.

It will probably take me an hour to reply as I do not provide input often. I like to read and ingest other peoples thoughts be they trivial or mountain mover's.

I can only say that I get up each day because I am a nosey sod, I just love to know what is going on. Not with people so much as machines, I like to know how and why things work.

I can relate to pain but I never let it beat me. So will not go into that here.

I don't generally like people to be honest, I tend to wait until I have gotten to know them although sometimes I don't even bother to do that. I tend to alienate people because I generally say what I think and be damned, I don't think I will be on this planet that long and I haven't the time to Pi$$ away worrying about what anyone thinks about me or my own. If I make a friend it is usually for life, I say usually as now and again people manage to sneak in under the radar.

But the reason for the quick responce, quick to read a long time to write (trust me), is I'm glad your still on this planet. It takes some doing for me to bother to respond to a thread, so I just want to say thank you River for starting the thread and to the many people that have bothered to respond.

Well I think I will read it again, I think it's worth the hour. Maybe post again enjoy what you have and remember it's not all about personal wealth but I can only presume it helps.

Why have they taken the sky from ME

Well,

Thank you for stopping by. We are going to paint the forum walls here in this thread: Institutional Green because crazy people always see institutional green in the end.

Its always interesting and sometimes distressing to watch someone try to figure out this thing called life/reality. I do understand that it's not all about personal wealth because if it were about that, I would be a very happy and well-balanced person, and I doubt that this thread would even have even been created.

Before my little mishap with the firearm, I used to get up every morning with the mindset that life is war. I would storm out of my home all caffeinated, with my cell-phone already attached to my head talking a mile a minute, and spoiling for a fight. I would get in my Jaguar and tear off into traffic looking every inch like the Road Warrior, and woe to anyone who crossed my path or got in my way.

I would arrive at work and become a cool, cold Vulcan, or a smug, female Darth Vader. It all depended on how I felt at that moment. Also, I made it my business to crush someone's ego before the day ended. In hindsight. I was a complete, thoughtless bitch. An Alliance, core-world bitch. I would then get home, and do some work on my computer network, while starting threads and arguing with people on this forum, as well as getting drunk on wine AND watching movies. Later I would go to bed angry and full of spite, and rage. I did this every day. I can't believe that person was me.

But those days are gone from me now. I wake up every morning afraid, and full of uncertainty. My whole shoulder and arm hurts like hell, even with the painkillers, and I have to remind myself that I did this to myself. Also, right now I’m actually afraid to go outside. Isn’t that funny? Ms Woman is afraid of the big bad world! I’m afraid of all of you…I think I’ve been afraid of people all my life, and didn’t really know it. You all scare me with your words, your thoughts, your compassion, your loves, your hates, your opinions, your silence, your judgments, your hopes, and your dreams.

From 19 years of age I was a supreme general fighting a war, and winning, but as time progressed, I started losing more, and more of myself in the war, until the day came where I no longer saw people, I saw only multiple targets. And the reasons for the war happening were long for

CHRISISALL

Sunday, April 9, 2006 2:26 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiveR6213:

Ms Woman is afraid of the big bad world. She’s a machine no more. She has no protection….

Now you're like the rest of us.
Congratulations.

*Pinnochio voice* You're a real girl.

Logan Chrisisall

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