Come and laugh at all the stupid people!

POSTED BY: EmmaRigby
UPDATED: Sunday, June 4, 2006 15:15
VIEWED: 11528
PAGE 1 of 1

EMMARIGBY

Thursday, June 1, 2006 6:32 PM

I know it isn't nice to mock the afflicted, but it is, on occasion, hi-larious!

I was reading the Daily Star today (it was there, I was bored, please don't hate me!) and came across an article about some of the answers given on British quiz shows. I just had to share some with you!

Beg, Borrow or Steal:
Q; Where do you think Cambridge University is?

A: Geography isn't my strong point.

Q: There's a clue in the title.

A: Leicester?

Richard and Judy:
Q: How many wheels are there on a unicycle?

A: Three

University Challenge:
Q: What was Ghandi's first name?

A: Goosey, goosey.

Richard and Judy:
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

A: Ferrest Gump

Simply the Best:
Q: How many Olympic Games have been held?

A: Six

Q: Higher!

A: Five.

National Lottery:
Q: What is the world's largest continent?

A: The Pacific.

National Lottery:
Q: There are 3 states of matter; solid, liquid and what?

A: Jelly.

Arh! Bless! I have many more if they amuse anyone! (I stole the paper!!)

________________________________
Hisssssss!

PHOENIXROSE

Thursday, June 1, 2006 6:34 PM

Oh man, I'm sorry, but y'all so aren't allowed to call us "Stupid Americans" ever again!

**********************************

EMMARIGBY

Thursday, June 1, 2006 6:42 PM

It gets worse! How about

Beacon Radio (Wolverhampton}:
Q: What is the nationality of the Pope?

A: Is it Jewish?

Big Quiz (LBC):
Q: Name the funny men who entertained kings and queens at court.

A: Lepers

GWR FM (Bristol):
Q: What happened in Dallas on Nov 22, 1963?

A: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

Weakest Link:
Q: In traffic, what J is where two roads meet?

A: Jool carriageway?

________________________________
Hisssssss!

TRISTAN

Thursday, June 1, 2006 6:44 PM

And I thought some of our (US) gameshows had some zingers...those are good! Thanks for sharing!

Holding until you get back, Captain.

SASSALICIOUS

Thursday, June 1, 2006 6:47 PM

The answer to the Dallas question was clever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am on The List. We are The Forsaken and we aim to burn!
"We don't fear the reaper"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

PHOENIXROSE

Thursday, June 1, 2006 6:49 PM

Jewish Pope! That's too much!

**********************************

CASUALTY

Thursday, June 1, 2006 7:07 PM

I love these things. I hadn't heard alot of them. It's funny, it baffles me that people can be that idiotic but then a good number of the people I went to uni with came out with some really stupid things so maybe there is no hope!

------------
"If nothing we do means anything then the only thing that means anything is what we do"
For those who believe no explanation is necessary, for those who do not no explanation will do.
"Bukkake, Shut up Alison!" Jonny Wallet Tourettes
"Alison, don't you know this world is killing you?" - Nathan Fillion sang me a song!
Yeah, men aren't like us, they're much more fragile and needy. The fact that they think we're the needy ones is a testament to our superiority. - Angela, Bones.

EMMARIGBY

Thursday, June 1, 2006 7:17 PM

A couple more then I'll go have some tea!

Breakfast Show, Radio 1:
Q: Which S is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tons?

A: Ummmm....

Q: It begins with an S and rhymes with perm.

A: Shark.

University Challenge:
Q: What is another name for Cherrypickers and Cheesemongers?

A: Homosexuals.

Q: No, they're regiments in the British Army.

James O'Brian show:
Q: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

A: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth...er...three?

________________________________
Hisssssss!

NVGHOSTRIDER

Thursday, June 1, 2006 7:18 PM

I know I'm not the quickest fish in the pond, but this is bad. Thank you for the total point and laugh moment. I needed it.

COPILOT

Thursday, June 1, 2006 7:35 PM

As I am not the brightest candle on the cake I usualy don't laugh at people for stupid mistakes. However...hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

An I carried such a torch.......For the Dark Lord

PENGUIN

Thursday, June 1, 2006 7:55 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by PhoenixRose:
J

**********************************
]

I cleaned up your smilie!

TAYEATRA

Thursday, June 1, 2006 8:40 PM

Wow! I love admiring the stupidity of some people in this country!

*****
Taya
*****
I'm going to S3!!!
(*Insert hysterical celebration dance here*)

KJIPPO

Thursday, June 1, 2006 8:44 PM

I found some more. These are Hai-larious..
I'm guessing it's another english show...

FAMILY FORTUNES
1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

8) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

9) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

12) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

13) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

14) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

15) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

16) Something red? - My sweater

"You're my kind of stupid"

TAYEATRA

Thursday, June 1, 2006 8:48 PM

Yep... that's another one from the UK. Its great how we manage to showcase all our stupid people on TV!
*****
Taya
*****
I'm going to S3!!!
(*Insert hysterical celebration dance here*)

LWAVES

Thursday, June 1, 2006 8:59 PM

Yeah. They had the same article in the Daily Mail as well (not my paper either, unless I'm using it to clear certain canine matter).

Darn'd funny though.

I vaguely remember one that went something like:

Q.: What is the capital of Italy?
A.: France.
Q.: No that's a country, we are looking for a city?
A.: Paris.

I never thought Americans were stupid, at least not until they enter a government position and then stupidity exponentially increases the nearer they get to the top!!

EMMARIGBY

Thursday, June 1, 2006 9:31 PM

Okay, last ones I promise, then I shall stop mocking my fellow man! (For a bit!)

Radio 1 Early Morning Show:
Q: How many toes would three people have in total?

A: 23

BBC Norfolk:
Q: Who had a world-wide hit with What A Wonderful World?

A: I don't know.

Q: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?

A: Arm.

Q: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?

A: Strong.

Q: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?

A: Louis.

Q: Well, there we are then. So who had a world-wide hit with What A Wonderful World?

A: Frank Sinatra.

BBC Radio Newcastle:
Q: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Isreal last?

A: 14 days.

Late Show:
Q: What is the capital of Italy?

A: France.

Q: France is another country. Try again.

A: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Q: Wrong, sorry. Let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

A: I don't know.

Q: Just guess a country then.

A: Paris.

Richard and Judy:
Q: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

A: Er...

Q: He makes bread...

A: Er...

Q: He makes cakes...

A: Kipling Street?

The Weakest Link:
Q: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?

A: The Conservative Party.

Rock FM (Preston):
Q: Name a Bob Hoskins film that is also a name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.

A: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Who wants to be a Millionaire?:
Chris Tarrent asked the audence: Jambon is the French for which food?

11% said jam not ham.

That's all folks! Hope I made you giggle as much as I did!

I'd love to hear more stupid things that people have heard! If you ever catch (or do, even Browncoats aren't always perfect!) something that makes you wince, send it my way!

________________________________
Hisssssss!

SERENITYINSCOTLAND

Thursday, June 1, 2006 9:35 PM

I'm at uni with a girl who couldn't find Australia on a world map.

REAVERS

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:10 PM

Poor people its funny though I had a good laugh

Reavers...they made them

WORKEROFEVIL

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:30 PM

In regards to the National Lottery question: there are four states of matter. Solid, liquid, gas, and plasma.

EMMARIGBY

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:33 PM

And, apparently, jelly!

The Physicists have been slacking in their analysis of the fundeamental construction of the Universe, or not going to enough children's parties!

________________________________
Hisssssss!

SIMONWHO

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:34 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by EmmaRigby:

National Lottery:
Q: There are 3 states of matter; solid, liquid and what?

A: Jelly.

Actually there are at least five states of matter: solid, liquid, gas, plasma and Bose-Einstein Condensates.

Jelly, you might be interested to know, is a solid with liquid components.

CATHERA

Thursday, June 1, 2006 10:51 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by EmmaRigby:

The Weakest Link:
Q: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?

A: The Conservative Party.

I'm sorry but how is that funny? Adolf didn't get put in prison so how could it be wrong? (Heck there's no real proof the body they found burned was his)

One day.
One plan.
One army of Browncoats.

On June 23rd, we aim to misbehave.

MYSTRE

Thursday, June 1, 2006 11:00 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Cathera:
Quote:
Originally posted by EmmaRigby:

The Weakest Link:
Q: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?

A: The Conservative Party.

I'm sorry but how is that funny? Adolf didn't get put in prison so how could it be wrong? (Heck there's no real proof the body they found burned was his)

You must have missed some facts in history class...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler

On April 1, 1924 Hitler was sentenced to five years' imprisonment at Landsberg prison for the crime of conspiracy to commit treason. Hitler received favoured treatment from the guards and had much fan mail from admirers. While at Landsberg he dictated his political book Mein Kampf (My Struggle) to his deputy Rudolf Hess. The book, dedicated to Thule Society member Dietrich Eckart, was both an autobiography and an exposition of his political ideology.

DAVESHAYNE

Thursday, June 1, 2006 11:04 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Cathera:
I'm sorry but how is that funny? Adolf didn't get put in prison so how could it be wrong?

Yes he did. He was sentenced to prison for 5 years after the failed coup attempt of 1923 (known as the beer hall putsch.) He served I think it was 9 months of his sentence before being granted clemency. The book Mein Kampf (My Struggle) which outlined his plans of conquest and genocidal intent was written during that incarceration.

Edit: For proper date and time.

David

"Not completely as well as the series of Firefly..." - From a review of Serenity at amazon.de

CATHERA

Thursday, June 1, 2006 11:06 PM

ok I didn't study that part of history in college (Renaissance Fan) so I didn't realize he was in jail BEFORE he committed the other crimes. Thanks for the lesson.

One day.
One plan.
One army of Browncoats.

On June 23rd, we aim to misbehave.

MYSTRE

Thursday, June 1, 2006 11:13 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Cathera:
ok I didn't study that part of history in college (Renaissance Fan) so I didn't realize he was in jail BEFORE he committed the other crimes. Thanks for the lesson.

Thankfully their are plenty of Jews still around who will gladly help you with your "Hitler was a bad bad man" lessons.

GIXXER

Thursday, June 1, 2006 11:14 PM

The man with the 'tache was a jailbird before he went into politics. And Poland.

(As opposed to politicians, who do it the other way round, usually.)

He wrote "Mein Kampf" (My German's a little rusty, but I believe it means "Don't Drop Your Soap") while in the chokey.

G

DAVESHAYNE

Thursday, June 1, 2006 11:40 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Cathera:
ok I didn't study that part of history in college (Renaissance Fan) so I didn't realize he was in jail BEFORE he committed the other crimes. Thanks for the lesson.

You're welcome.

David

"Not completely as well as the series of Firefly..." - From a review of Serenity at amazon.de

KJIPPO

Friday, June 2, 2006 12:27 AM

OK, I found some more, the heading of the page being "Education standards under New Labour in the UK". I don't know about that, but some of these are hysterical.. I could add that I have met english people who did not know where Norway was. (nor that it actually was a country) Now we may be a small country, but we are also one of your closest neighbours.

RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?
Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?
Contestant: Crocodiles.
Anne Robinson: Wh...?
Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?
Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?
Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?
Contestant: Geronimo!

NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?

STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.

THIS MORNING
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.

BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.

BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four

BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?

DARYL'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.

"You're my kind of stupid"

TRISTAN

Friday, June 2, 2006 12:42 AM

Holding until you get back, Captain.

BREXAN

Friday, June 2, 2006 12:51 AM

HAHAHA! Lovin' em guys!
Just what I needed after the day I've had :D

Keep 'em commin, nothing like a giggle at other people's expense xD

-Brexan
"Also, I can kill you with my brain"

DAVESHAYNE

Friday, June 2, 2006 12:54 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by kjippo:
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?

This one wins the prize. I'll be giggling all night at least.

David

"Not completely as well as the series of Firefly..." - From a review of Serenity at amazon.de

MAGDALENE

Friday, June 2, 2006 5:52 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by lwaves:

I never thought Americans were stupid, at least not until they enter a government position and then stupidity exponentially increases the nearer they get to the top!!

...or when they become FOX executives...

I told a friend about my new Firefly obsession and loaned her my DVDs - when I said that Fox hadn't even aired the entire first series and that they had asked Joss & Tim to 'write an episode in a weekend' she said "Joss? They asked Joss? Didn't they know that they they were lucky to have him???!!*#@!!??

And this from someone who has never seen the show!

Magdalene x x x

"I love my captain!"

MAGDALENE

Friday, June 2, 2006 6:07 AM

I am actually having an asthma attack - talk... like... Jayne... cannot...

This is so funny - especially as I am 100% Australian (Sydney?????????????? NO!!) and 50% British (I'll explain later) and I studied Hitler extensively (but logically he wasn't a member of the Conservative Party either) so I have to thank you all!

There are people of all nationalities who are complete bone-heads! This just brings us a little closer together (and gives us a false sense of superiority in the intelligence stakes)

Love you all - Magdalene x x x

"I love my captain!"

PHOENIXROSE

Friday, June 2, 2006 7:43 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Penguin:

I cleaned up your smilie!

Much obliged!

Will you share the secret? There are a couple others I would love to de-bug.

**********************************

EMMARIGBY

Friday, June 2, 2006 7:44 AM

Goodness, this has taken on a life of it's own!

Loved the new ones people have put up!

Just to let evryone know that even the best of us can have their D'oh moments, I was eating breakfast whilst doing a Sudoku puzzle this morning and tried to write with a spoon full of milk whilst putting the pen in my mouth! It was very early!

________________________________
Hisssssss!

ARABIKUM

Friday, June 2, 2006 9:19 AM

(hope it translates...):

Q: What´s the name of the roman god of war?!

A: Snickers!

Another one:

Q: name an insect that is black and yellow

A: Spider!

Q: ...

A: Giraffe!

A.

Ted Striker: My orders came through. My squadron ships out tomorrow. We're bombing the storage depots at Daiquiri at 1800 hours. We're coming in from the north, below their radar.

Elaine Dickinson: When will you be back?

Ted Striker: I can't tell you that. It's classified.

AGATSU

Friday, June 2, 2006 9:58 AM

Holy crap, it's been a while since I laughed this hard, and this long because it kept getting renewed - my neighbours must think I'm either crazy or getting butchered. I had to stop several times because I couldn't read anymore with the tears of laughter in my eyes.
I was just grinning and giggling until...

Big Quiz (LBC):
Q: Name the funny men who entertained kings and queens at court.

A: Lepers

From then on, I was laughing out loud and occasionally shrieking.
It IS kinda sad to see just how stupid people are, but so incredibly hilarious at the same time.
More, please, more!

I'm gonna read the whole thing again right now! Wheeee!

Proud Member of the FFF.net Event Team
Department of All Things Insane
Serenity Now/Equality Now screenings / Serenity Day (unrelated):
June 23rd www.cantstoptheserenity.com www.serenityday.org
Serenity Summer Campaign:
June 23rd - Sept 30th www.FireFlyFans.net
Serenity 'Versary:
September 30th www.FireFlyFans.net
Be there or be a purple-belted poop head. (<- not the official slogan)

GAZERBEAM

Friday, June 2, 2006 3:03 PM

On The Tonight Show:

Q: What does the "DC" stand for in Washington DC?

A: Da Capital!

-----------------------------------------------
"I am you father's brother's sister's cousin's former roommate!"

EMMARIGBY

Friday, June 2, 2006 4:18 PM

Okay, I've just found something even better than the quiz show answers!

Funny motor insurance claims

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." (thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - ack N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I

JERRYT

Friday, June 2, 2006 5:27 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by kjippo:

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

BWAAHAHAhahahahahaha!!

Universal maxim: Stupid IS the dominant gene.

JerryT
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I'll be in my bunk"

TRISTAN

Friday, June 2, 2006 5:43 PM

Emma,
Those insurance claims are a hoot! I have seen most of them before...and the reality is sometimes funnier than the mad-up stuff!

Thanks for the laugh!

____________

EMMARIGBY

Friday, June 2, 2006 7:04 PM

I thought I'd post these to balance out some of the zingers that I've heard from George W.

We too have an insensitive clod at the head of our country (and yet I kind'a like him. He has charisma!) but at least ours is pretty powerless.
Not meant to insite political outrage at all, just a gentle titter!

Funny quotes and gaffes by Prince Phillip

Also known as the 'consort's clangers'..

(1967 When asked if he would like to visit the Soviet Union) "The bastards murdered half my family.."

(1981 A comment during the UK's recession) "Everybody was saying we must have more leisure. Now they are complaining they are unemployed.."

(1982 To Solomon Islanders, on being told that their population growth was 5% a year) "You must be out of your minds.."

(1984 On receiving a gift from a Kenyan native woman) "You are a woman aren't you?.."

(1986 To a group of British students in China) "If you stay here much longer you'll all be slitty-eyed.."

(To a Cayman Islander) "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?.."

(c. 1990 To a British expat in Hungary) "You can't have been here that long, you haven't got a potbelly yet.."

(1995 To a Scottish driving instructor in Oban) "How do you keep the natives off the booze for long enough to pass their test?.."

(1998 To a student who'd trekked in Papua New Guinea) "You managed not to get eaten then?.."

(1999 On seeing a fuse box while being shown around an Edinburgh factory) "It looks as though it was put in by an Indian.."

(2002 To a school band in Cairns, Australia) "You were playing your instruments weren't you?, or do you have tape recorders under your seats?.."

(2002 To an Aboriginal man on Australia's Tjapukai Aboriginal Cultural Park) "Do you still throw spears at each other..?

(2002 Commenting during the Jubilee tour) "If you travel as much as we do you appreciate how much more comfortable aircraft have become. Unless you travel in something called economy class, which sounds ghastly.."

(2002 Commenting on the London traffic debate, after mayor Ken Livingstone forced through his plan to charge motorists £5 to enter the city) "The problem with London is the tourists. They cause the congestion. If we could just stop tourism we could stop the congestion.."

(Summer 2002 Aboard the floating restaurant 'Il Punto' on the river Orwell in Ipswich, after thoroughly enjoying an excellent full English breakfast) "French cooking's all very well, but they can't do a decent English breakfast.." (Il Punto is owned by Frenchman Regis Crepy..)

(2003 visiting a school, asking a tubby little boy what he wanted to be when he grows up, and being told, 'an astronaut') "You'll have to lose a bit of weight first.."

________________________________
Hisssssss!

LWAVES

Friday, June 2, 2006 7:55 PM

Ah Emma.
The wondeful Prince Phillip.

Don't really like the Royals as a bunch, too stuck up their own arses, but you gotta love the comments he makes.

I've always expected him, when speaking to a German at a War Veterans Reunion, to come out with the Fawtly classic. "You started it!!"

TRISTAN

Friday, June 2, 2006 8:25 PM

Emma,

Wow. Just...wow.

Thank you for that.

____________

EMMARIGBY

Friday, June 2, 2006 8:36 PM

I can't seem to stop!

I next found some actual (I think) quotes from letters regarding council houses(local goverment maintained housing scheme - in case you don't have anything similar abroad!) that made me smile so of course I just have to post them here!

(Allegedly real) quotes from letters to Islington Council's housing department

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

________________________________
Hisssssss!

COPILOT

Friday, June 2, 2006 8:45 PM

Well Emma aparently our minds go to the same place. Thanks for the laughs! I need them today.

An I carried such a torch.......For the Dark Lord

CYBERSNARK

Saturday, June 3, 2006 2:08 PM

I think at this point people would be kinda disappointed if Prince Phillip didn't make some kinda offensive slur at them whenever he visits.

He's like the Harlan Ellison of international politics.

-----
We applied the cortical electrodes but were unable to get a neural reaction from either patient.

MAGDALENE

Saturday, June 3, 2006 4:12 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by EmmaRigby:

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

He he he he ... *gasps for air* I used to live in the UK - I'm sure BBC2 isn't that bad... then again!!!

Thank you - I so know why you are considered one of the shiniest people in this 'family'

Love & llama's - Magdalene x x

"I love my captain!"

EMMARIGBY

Saturday, June 3, 2006 4:19 PM

Ah! Thankyou! That is so sweet!

________________________________
Hisssssss!

EMMARIGBY

Saturday, June 3, 2006 6:35 PM

Just found something else that made me giggle so I thought I'd add it to the list!

Funny quotes (allegedly real) newspaper headlines:

17 Remain Dead In Morgue Shooting Spree
Coach Fire - Passengers Safely Alight
Grandmother Of Eight Makes A Hole In One
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunks Get Nine Months In Violin Case
Eastern Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal To Religious Leader
Failed Panda Mating - Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
President Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery - Hundreds Dead

________________________________
Hisssssss!

MAGDALENE

Sunday, June 4, 2006 11:44 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by EmmaRigby:
Just found something else that made me giggle so I thought I'd add it to the list!

Funny quotes (allegedly real) newspaper headlines:

Grandmother Of Eight Makes A Hole In One

WOAH!...the other 7 must be running scared!!

Quote:
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Experts Say

...Hmmmm, you think?????

Quote:
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers

...That'll teach 'em!!

Quote:
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands

...won't they be a bit stale now??

Quote:
Miners Refuse To Work After Death

...Good on 'em, I say - a man should get to rest ... in peace! ??

Quote:
Stolen Painting Found By Tree

...Do you think it could find my car keys??

Quote:
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout

...Wow! And I complained about 18 minutes the other day!!

Quote:
Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

...You can't pull the wool over the eyes of the police!!

Quote:
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Space

... there's a comment... but I'm not making it!!

Quote:
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

...As a nanny I refuse to confirm this... or deny it it either

Quote:
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

...Pretty drastic, but that might also reduce the number dropping out!!

Keep up the happy-making funnies - I still have asthma but I would prefer to die laughing than live without the funnies! Thank you Emma!!

Love - Magdalene x x

"I love my captain!"

TAYEATRA

Sunday, June 4, 2006 12:13 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Magdalene:
Quote:
Originally posted by EmmaRigby:
Miners Refuse To Work After Death

...Good on 'em, I say - a man should get to rest ... in peace! ??

Absolutely not, the lazy bums. Get those corpses back in that mine and keep them working until they can pay for their own funerals.

*****
Taya
*****
I'm going to S3!!!
(*Insert hysterical celebration dance here*)

SIMONWHO

Sunday, June 4, 2006 12:54 PM

And you tell that to the youth of today and they don't believe you.

I live in a small town called Ongar and the local paper had a highly regarded headline regarding the library being closed:

Book Lack in Ongar.

MAGDALENE

Sunday, June 4, 2006 1:16 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
And you tell that to the youth of today and they don't believe you.

I live in a small town called Ongar and the local paper had a highly regarded headline regarding the library being closed:

Book Lack in Ongar.

LOL!!!

As an actor I LOVE it!! he he he! Got to tell my Dad that one!! He love's that play! (the real one - nothing to do with books you understand!!)

Love - Magdalene x x x

"I love my captain!"

DARWINSHANDMAIDEN

Sunday, June 4, 2006 2:51 PM

I just saw this in today's local rag: "BC Ferries threaten suspensions if sunken ferry workers don't talk". First they sink them then they suspend them - these workers need a better union.

I picks them up, I drops them off.

GIXXER

Sunday, June 4, 2006 3:15 PM

Direct link to a Planning / Zoning law story, since you wouldn't believe it...

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2006/05/31/rochdale_email_filter/

Plus, learn to speak orfentic cockerney like Guy Ritchie 'ere. Guv.

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/08/17/email_abuse/

G

I'm a purist. I defer only to Dick Van Dyke in linguistic matters.