What's your best joke?

POSTED BY: EvilBungle
UPDATED: Wednesday, December 6, 2006 04:14
VIEWED: 13542
PAGE 1 of 1

EVILBUNGLE

Monday, November 27, 2006 9:30 AM

At work and very bored, so I thought I would ask for your best jokes to help a fellow 'coat out!

Vote Day 1st December 2006 http://richlabonte.net/tvvote/index.html
Together we will triumph.

GLADIATOR32

Monday, November 27, 2006 10:42 AM

A man walks into a bar and says 'ouch!'

Know why??

Cuz he walked into a bar!

---

What happens when you cross a river and a stream??

Wet feet!

---

Why did the pervert cross the road??

Cuz he couldn't get his knob out of the chicken!

Hi-larious, I'm sure you'll all agree

-------------------------------

www.myspace.com/32dan32

NEWOLDBROWNCOAT

Monday, November 27, 2006 12:13 PM

Q. What do you get if you cross castor oil and holy water?

A. a religious movement.

( Thanx to Messr's Keilor and Altman. Bad jokes for me---)

CHRISMOORHEAD

Monday, November 27, 2006 12:34 PM

All of my best jokes are extremely racist.

So here's a not so good one.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. The giraffe hits it's head on the door and falls over. The man proceeds to have a few drinks, then when he gets up to leave, the bartender points to the giraffe and says, "Oy! You can't leave that lyin' there!", and the man says, "That's not a lion, it's a giraffe."

[chirp]

[IMG]
Place my body on a ship and burn it on the sea,
Let my spirit rise, Valkyries carry me.
Take me to Valhalla where my brothers wait for me.
Fires burn into the sky, my spirit will never die.

GLADIATOR32

Monday, November 27, 2006 12:43 PM

A disgusting (yet equally rubbush) joke:

A homeless man runs into a bar, and asks the bartender for a cocktail stick, which he gives him, then quickly runs out. A few minutes later, another bum runs in asking for a cocktail stick, then runs out. Another few minutes pass, and yet another tramp runs in, this time asking for a straw. The bartender gives him the straw but asks "what's going on out there??", to which the tramp replys "someone's been sick outside, and all the best parts are going!"

-------------------------------

www.myspace.com/32dan32

GOMITHROUS

Monday, November 27, 2006 2:13 PM

Okay I'm pretty sure everyone has heard this one but I'll give it a shot.

So there's a drinking competition going on at this bar, and the guy who wins breaks some "bar-record" they had for most beers drunk without passing out. They all start cheering "The Champion, the Champoin" and he y'know, leaves. He doesn't come back for a long time and people start to wonder where he went. One day he does come back, they've still got his picture up and nobody's broken his record. The bartender starts cheering and then everyone sees him and does the same. When the guy gets up to the bar, the bartender offers him a free drink to which he replies "I don't drink". The bartender laughs and laughs then tries again, but the guy says "Seriously, I don't drink". The bartender asks him why and he says "When I got home that night after the competition, I blew chunks for three hours". The bartender says "Well of course you did you were drunk, what did you expect?". Then the guy replies "No you don't understand, Chunks is my dog"

I think I told that pretty badly but yo get the gist of it. I love that joke but I'm pretty sure it's common knowledge by now.

VOSHEXETER

Monday, November 27, 2006 2:16 PM

The "Earl" joke.

aka...

the "bubba" joke.

voshExeter

EVILBUNGLE

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 11:55 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Gomithrous:
I think I told that pretty badly but yo get the gist of it. I love that joke but I'm pretty sure it's common knowledge by now.

Never heard it but I like it now too

Vote Day 1st December 2006 http://richlabonte.net/tvvote/index.html
Together we will triumph.

SPACEANJL

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 12:50 PM

The Aristocrats...

..."The Aristocrats!"

REDLAVA

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 4:56 PM

George Bush was talking to a group of 3rd graders. Bush asks the class "Can anybody give me an example of a tragedy?"
A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a bus load of nuns and priests died in a car crash. That would be a tragedy."
Bush thinks for a moment and says, "That is more of an accident, a bad accident."
A boy raises his hand and says, "If my Mom and Dad both died of cancer, that would be a tragedy."
Bush says, "That would be a great loss. Your parents are probably very wonderful people and they would be missed."
Another little girl raises her hand and Bush calls on her.
"If Bin Laden blew up Air Force One with you in it. That would be a tragedy."
Bush smiles and says, "Great job that would indeed be a tragedy. How did you think of that one?"
The girl replies, "It wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a big loss either."

HOBBLEIT

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 6:35 PM

all my best jokes are about geordies

Geordie goes to for tea with the queen and the queen asks "would you like a scone or a merangue?" Geordie replies "no, yeh right pet, scone'll be fine."

Geordie is standing around by a crematorium when he approched by an american who asks "do you think anyone would mind if i went in and had a look around.
Geordies replies, "aye, but take your hat off and say nowt" and walks off.
Ten minutes later, Geordie is walking back and he sees the american on the pavement outside the crem. He asks what happened and the american replies "I went in, took my hat off like you said and there were all these people standing and crying. All i did was go over to one and ask "what's cooking?"

"did the titanic bend? No!"
http://www.myspace.com/muddy_waters

GLADIATOR32

Tuesday, November 28, 2006 6:37 PM

LMAO, that was brilliant, Redlava!

-------------------------------

www.myspace.com/32dan32

TERRI

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 11:26 PM

Two penguins are sitting on an ice floe. The first penguin says to the other penguin, 'Hey, it looks like you're wearing a tuxedo.' The other penguin responds, 'Who says I'm not?'

Ha, who says I'm not. Gets me everytime.

GOMITHROUS

Wednesday, November 29, 2006 11:30 PM

Lol SpaceAngl I've heard that one but it's way too narsty for a public board here's a link to it though

. Yay South Park!

Beware the Giant Sock-Eating Purple Llama!!!

REGINAROADIE

Thursday, November 30, 2006 12:10 AM

I'm a fan of priest molestation jokes, and this is one of my favorites.

Father Michael is giving confession in his church one weekend. But after an hour, he has to go to the bathroom, as well as take care of some other papal business. He quietly ducks out of the confessional, grabs the janitor, and asks him to take over for him. "But Father, I'm a janitor", he replies. "I don't know anything about taking confession." "Oh it's the easiest thing in the world. Just follow this little pocket book, and you'll do fine." So Father Michael goes off and the janitor goes into the confessional and starts taking confessions. For a while, the janitor thinks this is pretty easy, until one woman comes in. She's sobbing hysterically and she can barely string two words together. After a while, she calms down as says to the janitor "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Even though I am a married woman, I cannot help but give anal sex to strangers." Now this freaks the janitor out because it's nowhere in the book. He then quietly ducks out and grabs the nearest altar boy. He then asks the altar boy, "What does Father Michael give for anal sex?"

And the alter boy replies, "Last time I checked, three sodas and five lollipops."

**************************************************
"We have five million Cybermen. How many are you?"
"Four"
You would destroy the Cybermen with four Daleks?"
"We would destroy the Cybermen with ONE Dalek. You are superior in only one respect."
"What is that?"
"You are better at dying."

Trash talk between a Cyberman and a Dalek. It doesn't get any better than that.

RMMC

Thursday, November 30, 2006 2:13 AM

Okay, you asked for it.

Why don't cannibals like to eat clowns?

Because they taste funny.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

*******
RMMC

When we're down, don't frown. Come join the camp-out at serenitymovie.org.

PIRATECAT

Thursday, November 30, 2006 2:45 AM

What does a West Virginia girl say when she looses her Virginity?

Get off me daddy yer crushin my ciggarettes!

St Patty's Day joke What's green and black all over?

A Lepercoon silly.

I like smacken em.

TRAVELER

Thursday, November 30, 2006 3:26 AM

You are going to hate me for this. To Bad.

Santa Claus comes down the chimney and places presents under the tree.
Just as he is about to leave a gorgeous woman wearing only a nighty enters the room.
"Oh Santa won't you stay just a little longer", she say.
"Ho Ho Ho its up the chimney I go", returns Santa.
The woman lets one of the straps of her nighty fall off her shoulder.
"Oh Santa please stay just a little while", the woman persists.
"Ho Ho Ho its up the chimney I go", repeats Santa.
The woman finally lets the nighty fall to the floor.
"Oh Santa I just want you to stay a little while", the woman insists.
Santa's eye bug out and he says,"Hay Hay Hay gotta stay, can't get up the chimney this way".

Happy Holidays Everyone;
Traveler

Traveler

NEWOLDBROWNCOAT

Thursday, November 30, 2006 6:34 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Terri:
Two penguins are sitting on an ice floe. The first penguin says to the other penguin, 'Hey, it looks like you're wearing a tuxedo.' The other penguin responds, 'Who says I'm not?'

Ha, who says I'm not. Gets me everytime.

Dangerous Woman: But why is that funny?

G.K.: I guess 'cause people laugh at it.

CRUITHNE3753

Thursday, November 30, 2006 7:23 PM

Tony Blair is on an official visit to a hospital in Edinburgh. His itinerary takes him through a ward where all the patients appear to be perfectly fit and well, with no signs of injury or illness. However, he decides to greet a patient, who replies:-

A fair fae ye honest sonsie face
Great cheiftan e' the pudding race
Aboon them all ye take ye place
Painch, tripe or thairm
A weel a wordie on ye grace
As lang's me arm.

He is rather puzzled by this, having no idea what the patient was on about so he just smiles and shakes hands, and moves on to greet another patient, who says:-

Some hae meat and cannae eat
And some nae meat that want it
But we hae meat and we can eat
And say the Lord be thank it!

Again, he's got no idea what the patient is trying to say, so again he smiles, shakes hands and moves on and moves on to a third patient, who says:-

Oh what a sleekie timorous beastie
Oh what a panic is in thy breastie!
Nae need to start away sae hasty
Wi' bicking brattle!

Now completely stumped, he turns to the doctor and asks "Is this some sort of mental ward?"
"Nae," replies the doctor, "it's the Serious Burns Unit!"

CALLMESERENITY

Thursday, November 30, 2006 8:05 PM

*snerk*

Serenity,
President of The Juggled Gosling Chatroom
Bride8

http://callmeserenity.livejournal.com/

DAYVE

Thursday, November 30, 2006 8:14 PM

A man walks into the doctor’s office with a huge bruise on his face and says,
“Can you help me out here Doc, my girlfriend just hauled off and hit me in the head… I think she broke my nose..”
The doctor asks him what he did to provoke her.
“Aw, I called her a 2-bit whore…”
“Oh my” says the doctor… “What did she hit you with?”
The man replies… “A bag of quarters…”

CIOCCOLATA

Thursday, November 30, 2006 8:53 PM

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"

LWAVES

Thursday, November 30, 2006 9:45 PM

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are about to do a charity walk across a desert. They can take onw item with them.
The Englishman says that he'll have a crate of beer so that when he gets thirsty he can have a drink.
The Scotsman says that he'll have a crate of whiskey so that when he gets thirsty he can have a drink.
The Irishman says that he'll have a car door so that when he gets warm he can wind the window down!!

A couple are in bed on holiday at their villa. An escaped convict breaks into the house, ties up the husband and then kisses the wife on the cheek before disappearing into the bathroom.
The husband says that the man looks really dangerous and is obviously desperate so she should just let him have his way and get it over with. Remember though that he will always love her.
The wife says thanks but the criminal whispered that he was going for the vaseline and thinks that her hubby is really cute. Remember honey that I love you too!!

TPAGE

Thursday, November 30, 2006 10:11 PM

I got a long one... are you ready? You sure?

One warm summer day in the forest there was a lake and hovering 4" above this lake was a fly. This fly was thinking to itself: "You know, I'm really thirsty but if I drop down 4" for a drink I might get eaten by a fish. I don't want to die."

Unbeknownst to the fly, there is a fish slowly gliding under the surface of the lake. This fish spys the fly hovering over the water and thinks to himself: "I bet that fly is thirsty, he'll probably drop down to grab a drink. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great."

Unbeknownst to the fish, there is a racoon scurrying along the edge of the lake. Now this racoon notices the fish eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within range of my pounce. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"

Unbeknownst to the racoon there's a cougar prowling in the woods. Now this cougar notices the racoon watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within range of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"

Unbeknownst to the cougar there's a hunter hiding on the other side of the lake. Now this hunter notices the cougar looking at the racoon who is watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within ranch of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill for the cougar which would bring the cougar out into the open and make for an easy shot. I'd have a trophy without any extra work, it'd be great!"

Unbeknownst to the hunter there's a mouse scurrying around behind him. Now this mouse notices the hunter who sees the cougar looking at the racoon who is watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within ranch of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill for the cougar which would bring the cougar out into the open and make for an easy shot for the hunter and the recoil of which would knock the sandwich out of the hunter's pocket. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"

Unbeknownst to the mouse there's a cat stalking in the bushes behind him. Now this cat notices the mouse eyeing the sandwich in the hunter's pocket who sees the cougar looking at the racoon who is watching the fish who is eyeing the fly and thinks to himself: "If that fly drops 4" that fish will eat the fly which will bring him within ranch of the racoon who will pounce, which will leave the racoon stranded and make for an easy kill for the cougar which would bring the cougar out into the open and make for an easy shot for the hunter and the recoil of which would knock the sandwich out of the hunter's pocket and that mouse will scurry out into the open. I'd have lunch without any extra work, it'd be great!"

Well... guess what happened?

The fly dropped 4";
The fish leaped out of the water and ate the fly;
The racoon dove in the lake and snatched the fish;
The cougar pounced onto the racoon;
The hunter took his shoot;
The recoil knocked the sandwich onto the ground;
The mouse scurried over to the sandwich;
The cat ran for the mouse... tripped and fell in the lake.

What's the moral of the story?

Select to view spoiler:

Everytime a fly drops 4" a pussy gets wet!

And have a good day!

And if someday on some little piss-ant moon/My hand is a little too slow, or my aim a little bit off/At least I’ll go down fighting, not lying abed surrounded by quacks - "Sir Warrick" by Geezer

CRUITHNE3753

Thursday, November 30, 2006 10:59 PM

Stevie Wonder is playing a concert, where a Japanese guy in the front row starts heckling - "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" Stevie is pleased that someone appreciates the jazz side of his music, hits a G minor seventh and round this improvises a ripping 10-minute jazz-fusion workout.

The crowd go crazy, and the Japanese guy shouts again "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!" As it seems to be going well, Stevie then hits a suspended D and round this improvises another 10-minute jazz-fusion workout.

Again the crowd go crazy, but this time the Japanese guy seems to be getting annoyed - "No, no, no! Your not playing a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

"Hey man," says Stevie, "if you have a better idea what I should be playing, why don't you come up and try yourself?" With that, the Japanese guy gets up on stage, takes a microphone and starts singing:-

"A jazz chord, to say, I ruv you!"

CRUITHNE3753

Thursday, November 30, 2006 11:03 PM

Did you hear about the gay rugby team?

At their last match they scored three tries and a conversion.

GOMITHROUS

Friday, December 1, 2006 12:57 AM

A woman is walking her 3 year old daughter in a stroller when the daughter asks, "Mommy why's my name Rose?". The woman replies, "well honey, when we took you home from the hospital we couldn't think of a name, but a man walked by and dropped a bunch of roses on your head so we decided to call you Rose". Later that day she was taking her five year old daughter for a walk when the daughter asked, "Mommy why's my name Daisy?". The woman replied, "well honey, when we took you home from the hospital we couldn't think of a name, but a daisy suddenly blew onto your head so we decided to call you Daisy. When the woman got home her 12 year old daughter yelled, "Muahaanagaranguahfmblaah" to which the mother replied, "Shut up Fridge!". I've got a few more but I don't think they're really appropriate

Beware the Giant Sock-Eating Purple Llama!!!

SIMONWHO

Friday, December 1, 2006 1:33 AM

Q: How do you keep a bunch of fools in suspense?

TPAGE

Friday, December 1, 2006 1:37 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Q: How do you keep a bunch of fools in suspense?

Uumm... not telling them the answer?

And if someday on some little piss-ant moon/My hand is a little too slow, or my aim a little bit off/At least I’ll go down fighting, not lying abed surrounded by quacks - "Sir Warrick" by Geezer

RMMC

Friday, December 1, 2006 2:44 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by TPage:
Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Q: How do you keep a bunch of fools in suspense?

Uumm... not telling them the answer?

More like not having one.

Okay, time for a few more.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian with a Jehovah's Witness?

A: Some one who comes to your door for no apparent reason.

Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

A: There's one less drinking at the wake.

*******
RMMC

When we're down, don't frown. Come join the camp-out at serenitymovie.org.

FASTMOVER

Friday, December 1, 2006 5:47 AM

A guy walks into a bar with a alligator and makes an offer, "If anyone here pays me 50 bucks I will place my wenis into the gator's mouth and let it close dow gently for one minute." So a few people chip in and give the man 50 bucks. The guy does everything, and after one minute he takes an empty bottle and smashes it over the gator's head, causing it to release him. He than asks, "Now does anyone else here have the guts to try this?" A small voice in the back of the room says, "I'll try it, just don't smash the bottle over my head."

FASTMOVER

Friday, December 1, 2006 5:53 AM

Four rich guys are talking on a golf course, and one excuses himself to the restroom. While he is gone the other three chat amongst themselves about their sons. The first one says, "My sons has been doing well for himself, so well that he recently bought two cars for his girlfriend." The second one pipes up, "My son has done so well he recently bought a house for his girlfriend." The third, not to be outdone, says, "My son is so rich he bought a million dollar stock portfolio for his girlfriend." The fourth guy finally returns, and they ask him, "What about you, what has your son achieved for himself." To this he replies, "Well, I'm a bit disappointed to say that my son is gay, but nevertheless he has done well for himself. His last three boyfriends bought him two cars, a house, and a million dollar stock portfolio..."

YINYANG

Friday, December 1, 2006 6:06 AM

Okay. I just made this up messing around with my family, so I'm not quite sure if they're blondes, or valley girls, or what.

Person #1 (to Person #2): You're hungry. (or some other variant where you know what they're thinking or feeling)

Person #2: How did you know? Do you have EPSN?

Person #1: Yeah! How did you know?

Person #2: I have ESPN2 (too).

---
"What the world needs now is love, sweet love - it's the only thing that there's just too little of. What the world needs now is love, sweet love. No, not just for some, but for everyone."

http://richlabonte.net/tvvote - Vote Firefly!

(by Kelai)

KAREL

Friday, December 1, 2006 6:09 AM

Two Irishmen walk out of a bar.

--Karel.

"Wondrous is our great blue ship that sails around the mighty sun and joy to everyone that rides along." -- Jeff Lynne, Electric Light Orchestra.

NEWOLDBROWNCOAT

Friday, December 1, 2006 7:29 AM

An English man, an Australian, and a Scotsman are drinking in a pub. Three flies land in their beers.
The Englishman says, " Oh, bother!" , gets a spoon, fishes the fly out, and drinks his beer.

The Aessie says, " Crikey!", blows away the head on the beer, and the fly, and drinks.

The Scotsman looks down and shouts, " Spit tha' oout, ya wee devil!"

And an old favorite of mine, my daughter hit me with it tonight:
From Sanford and Son. Fred and LaMont are talking.

LaMont: " Pop, did you know that high blood pressure and heart disease are the number one killer of young black men?"

Fred: " No. I thought it was the PO-LICE."

EVILBUNGLE

Friday, December 1, 2006 9:14 AM

similar to the anti-humour joke above.

A man walks into a pub

ouch!

It was an iron Pub

CRUITHNE3753

Friday, December 1, 2006 5:11 PM

Two blondes walk into a bar -

You'd think at least one of them would have ducked.

SIMONWHO

Friday, December 1, 2006 8:43 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RMMC:

More like not having one.

Hey, I've got an answer. A very good answer. You don't mind waiting a while longer for it, do you?

My favourite joke is one that you need to tell in person but here's the bastardised version.

What's this? (Hold out your hand, with your fingers curled up and your thumb touching them to make a loop, and go "Grrr! Rrrrarrrrgh! Grrrrr!"
It's a vicious circle.

RMMC

Friday, December 1, 2006 9:07 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Quote:
Originally posted by RMMC:

More like not having one.

Hey, I've got an answer. A very good answer. You don't mind waiting a while longer for it, do you?

Hey, I waited almost 20 years for Doctor Who to return, so yeah, I can wait a bit more.

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
My favourite joke is one that you need to tell in person but here's the bastardised version.

What's this? (Hold out your hand, with your fingers curled up and your thumb touching them to make a loop, and go "Grrr! Rrrrarrrrgh! Grrrrr!"
It's a vicious circle.

Then there's me who immediately thought it was the Mutant Enemy logo.

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers for a mile.

*******
RMMC

When we're down, don't frown. Come join the camp-out at serenitymovie.org.

VETERAN

Friday, December 1, 2006 9:53 PM

Pretty good thread. We should start a Browncoat Joke Book. So many jokes come to mind.

Peguins:

A truck full of peguins crashes on the way to the zoo. The police arrive and start trying to corral the birds. A passerby asks the policeman if he can help. The cop replies,"Yeah, take these peguins to the zoo." The man rounds up all the peguins and heads off for the zoo.

The next day the same policeman sees the man walking down the street trailed by the peguins. He says,"I thought I told you to take those peguins to the zoo?"

The man replies,"You did. Today I'm taking them to the movies."

Nuns:

A nun enters an order where she is only allowed to utter two words to the Mother Superior once a year. After the first year of silence she says, "Bed hard"
After the second year of silence she says, "Cell cold.'
After the third year of silence she says, "Food bad."
After the fourth year silence she says,"Leaving convent."
To which the Mother Superior replies, "I'm not suprised. You've done nothing but complain since you've got here."

Drunks:

A pretty girl is struck by a car while crossing the street. The impact tears off her clothes throws her into the air. She lands on the grass median nude and unconcious (but miracuously unhurt).

A priest sees the accident and races up to the girl. He finds she is relatively unhurt. he has nothing but his hat to cover her with so he places it over her pelvis. By now a crowd has gathered and the town drunk staggers up.

The drunk looks at the scene with wide eyed confustion. Thinks for a beat and then says, "Father it's clear what we gotta do. First thing is to get that man out of there."

TPAGE

Friday, December 1, 2006 10:19 PM

Hey SIMONWHO, if I don't hear the answer to your joke I won't be losing any sleep over it... tomorrow is the last day I have access to the internet for over three months... Could you post the answer tomorrow?

And if someday on some little piss-ant moon/My hand is a little too slow, or my aim a little bit off/At least I’ll go down fighting, not lying abed surrounded by quacks - "Sir Warrick" by Geezer

RAINSTICK

Friday, December 1, 2006 11:41 PM

Okay, here we go. When I was working in hospital one of the doctors used to tell jokes all the time. This is a good one.

A woman is out shopping. It's her husband's birthday tomorrow and she doesn't have a present yet. She just passes a pet shop and thinks 'why not buy him a pet?'
She goes in and asks the man behind the counter: "Do you have any pet that would make a nice gift for my husband? Not too expensive?"
The man says: "Well, I got this frog for a tenner. It's kind of special too."
Woman: "Why? What does it do?"
Man: "It blows."
The woman is in a rush so she doesn't think about what that's supposed to mean and buys the frog. Her husband is delighted about the present and she is glad she bought the frog.
A couple of days later she wakes up late at night. There's noise coming from the kitchen. She opens the kitchen door and there are her husband and the frog handling pans and pots and looking into a cooking book.
"What the hell are you doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband. "I'm teaching my little friend here how to cook. And when he can do that too, I'm getting divorced."

SIMONWHO

Saturday, December 2, 2006 12:31 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by RMMC:
Hey, I waited almost 20 years for Doctor Who to return, so yeah, I can wait a bit more.

Me too. We had false dawns, promises again and again, compromised returns, disappointments and just when it seemed like we really should give up on a proper return... we come back and kicked so much arse it was untrue. A lesson for us Firefly fans too.

And the answer to my joke is, of course, "I'll tell you next week."

NEWOLDBROWNCOAT

Saturday, December 2, 2006 8:09 AM

a nice ethnic joke.

In the 50's, the Lord Mayor of the City of Dublin, Ireland was Jewish. He came to New York City and marched in the Saint Patrick's Day parade.
So these 2 little old Jewish ladies are watching, and the first one says, " Look, Zelda, Lord Mayor from heff a meelyun Irishmens. Nize Jewish boy. "

And the second one says," isn't it wunderful, Sadie? Only in America--"

MIMA

Saturday, December 2, 2006 8:44 PM

Where do Kings keep their armies?

..................In their sleevies.

AUDDIE

Saturday, December 2, 2006 11:57 PM

my sister told me this one.. 15 years ago

this man wanted to prove his love for his girlfriend, so he tattooed her name (Wendy) on his penis. when he was "cold", all you could see was Wy.. when he was "hot", you would see her full name, Wendy.

This happy couple got married and went to jamaica for their honeymoon. while on a nude beach, the guy saw another man (jamaican native) with a WY on his penis.

"your wife's name is Wendy too?"

"Na man.. it says...

WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY"

I LOVE MY CAPTAIN

CRUITHNE3753

Sunday, December 3, 2006 12:02 AM

Two reavers eating a clown... one reaver says "is it me, or does this taste funny?"

ELOISA

Sunday, December 3, 2006 12:33 AM

The surreal joke:

What's the difference between a duck?

One of its legs is both the same!

RAINSTICK

Sunday, December 3, 2006 12:36 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Auddie:
my sister told me this one.. 15 years ago

this man wanted to prove his love for his girlfriend, so he tattooed her name (Wendy) on his penis. when he was "cold", all you could see was Wy.. when he was "hot", you would see her full name, Wendy.

This happy couple got married and went to jamaica for their honeymoon. while on a nude beach, the guy saw another man (jamaican native) with a WY on his penis.

"your wife's name is Wendy too?"

"Na man.. it says...

WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY"

I LOVE MY CAPTAIN

i know the same joke only with slight differences:

Two men are sitting in a sauna. one of them notices the tattoo on the other one's penis.
"What's that tattooed on your penis? Globaleet! What's that supposed to mean?"
"No, it actually says "Glory and pride of the baltic fleet."

i think the same joke must exist in a hundred variations.

ELOISA

Sunday, December 3, 2006 1:14 AM

Dayve, Gladiator32 and ChrisMoorhead are trekking through the jungle, when they see the trees thinning ahead. They get to the edge of the scrub and realise they've reached a clearing. Right in the middle of the clearing they see a plinth with a giant idol of a naked woman, carved out of bone, sitting cross-legged on it. There's a fist-sized diamond set into its belly-button.

"Cool! I'll take that!" Dayve says, and he scoots across the clearing to the idol. Just as he gets to it, its eyes open!

"If you want my diamond, you must make love to me!" the idol says. Dayve screams and runs to hide behind a tree.

Gladiator32, meanwhile, doesn't understand what the fuss is about, but thinks the diamond looks pretty cool, so he goes up to the plinth and the idol. He's reaching for the jewel when the idol's eyes open again. "If you want my diamond, you must make love to me!" she insists. Gladiator32 screams and runs to hide behind Dayve.

ChrisMoorhead's been watching all of this and starts to realise there's something wrong. Still, he wants the jewel just as much as the other two, so he goes over to the plinth. He's just about to touch the diamond, when the idol's eyes open and she booms, "If you want my diamond, you must make love to me!"

ChrisMoorhead thinks for a moment and pulls out his mobile phone.

Dayve and Gladiator32 pop their heads out from behind their tree. "What're you doing!" demands Dayve.

"Phoning the guys from Kelkhil and Nico's Pub - they're a bunch of bone idle f*ckers!"

RMMC

Monday, December 4, 2006 2:59 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
Quote:
Originally posted by RMMC:
Hey, I waited almost 20 years for Doctor Who to return, so yeah, I can wait a bit more.

Me too. We had false dawns, promises again and again, compromised returns, disappointments and just when it seemed like we really should give up on a proper return... we come back and kicked so much arse it was untrue. A lesson for us Firefly fans too.

But I've had this lesson, gorrammit! And with Star Trek as well, to boot! *pout* *pout* Want more FF now! *pout*

Quote:
Originally posted by SimonWho:
And the answer to my joke is, of course, "I'll tell you next week."

*giggle*

More jokes! Found some lawyer ones.

Q: What do a lawyer and a sperm cell have in common?
A Each has about a one in a million chance of becoming human.

Q: Why are lawyers forbidden from having sex with their clients?
A: No firm wants to give the same service twice without being able to bill for it.

Q: How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A: Shoot him before he hits the water.

This one could be told by Reavers:

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

*******
RMMC

When we're down, don't frown. Come join the camp-out at serenitymovie.org.

PINBALLWIZARD

Monday, December 4, 2006 3:28 AM

A panda walks into a bar and asks the barkeep if he could eat some of the nuts he had in a bowl on the bartop. The barkeep says sure, the panda eats all the nuts, takes out an uzi, and shoots everyone in the bar. Just as he's about to leave, the mortally wounded bartender screams "WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?" The panda says "Look me up in the dictionary." The bartender does so, and it says "Panda: bear native to the mountainous reagions of China. Eats shoots and leaves."

No, I am not insane, I am crazy. Thank you for asking.

DAYVE

Tuesday, December 5, 2006 3:03 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Eloisa:
Dayve, Gladiator32 and ChrisMoorhead are trekking through the jungle........

Thanks so much Eloisa for including me in that joke.... i have been the butt of a few.....

here's an old joke...

Q: How many Surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb..?

A: FISH

SERENITYINSCOTLAND

Tuesday, December 5, 2006 4:49 PM

Quote:

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers for a mile.

LOL I've never heard that before. My local pub quiz has a joke round every week, thats def going in next time!

OK, my joke:

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other "How do you drive this thing?"

RMMC

Wednesday, December 6, 2006 3:43 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by SerenityinScotland:
Quote:

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers for a mile.

LOL I've never heard that before. My local pub quiz has a joke round every week, thats def going in next time!

I'm glad you liked it. I originally heard it on the radio and was amazed they got away with telling it, puritanical country that I reside in and all.

*******
RMMC

When we're down, don't frown. Come join the camp-out at serenitymovie.org.

VETERAN

Wednesday, December 6, 2006 4:14 AM

Why don't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy.

Why do Austrailian men make love so quickly?

So they can get down to the pub and tell the fellas.

What's the most common last words of a Redneck?

Hey fellas, watch this!