Worst of the Worst - Contribute to The Most Awful Fic Ever Written

POSTED BY: jetflair
UPDATED: Friday, February 17, 2012 18:36
VIEWED: 87683
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STINKINGROSE

Wednesday, September 5, 2007 2:06 PM

Hey, I only shot him dead the once.

Then popped him into cryo and had them repair his heart and resuscitate him.
(He is risen, RAmen.)

*WHY THIS WOULD NOT WORK FOR WASH*
Dead >10 minutes=(pretty much) "don't bother, there's been too much brain damage". Sorry, JMO.

Okay I slowly drained Mal of blood (while under a paralytic agent) to *near* death, too. Yes, it was Niska. Both times, come to think of it....

Why do we love to hurt that man? Is it because Nathan plays "owieowieowie" so well?

SCHOONER

Wednesday, September 5, 2007 8:51 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Eeew.....not sure I can figure out how to have him survive being drawn and quartered. :shudder:

:Holds Mal protectively:

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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Easy. Mal is really Malcolm MacLeod, a Highlander-style Immortal whose immortality got triggered when Niska killed him in War Stories (the wacky torturer didn't realize the paddles were unplugged). Inara is also Immortal and has been hanging around waiting for Mal to die so she could train him. The real reason she decided to leave is that she gave up on anything ever killing the guy.

...I think I need professional help.

STINKINGROSE

Thursday, September 6, 2007 1:53 AM

Inara is a vampire. She could start a spdetective spagency and ...

Oh, wait, that line has probably been crossed before.

Nevermind.

RIVERFLAN

Friday, September 7, 2007 10:01 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
Inara is a vampire. She could start a spdetective spagency and ...

Oh, wait, that line has probably been crossed before.

Nevermind.

No, go on, the whole point of this is to cross lines! Especially ridiculous lines!

And, Jetflair, I really want the spaggetti aliens on this too! Please?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

NBZ

Friday, September 7, 2007 10:40 PM

Oh, we also need a crossover with Dune.

The hands of Blue are addicted to spice. Instead of their eyes turning blue their hands did...

Mal finds out that he is a child of some evil Harkonnen. Simon finds out that he is an Atreides, his sister the final child in the search for the final Kizart Haderach. Oh and Atreides are mortal enemies of Harkonnens. Have been so for what? a mere 15,000 years. So, naturally Mal kills Simon.

Inara is a Bene gesserit witch sent to spy on and try to control River. River finds out and rebels.

Mal goes to a token water planet (Osiris) to destroy the Atreides line, while River has to go to a tropical rainforest world (called Papooine) to learn Yoga from a master Jedus. Upon perfecting the art of Yoga, she is totally sane, and can speak the queens English.

Oh, and since she is THE final kwizart, she is now also perfect in every way. She can see what everyone will do, is stronger and smarter than everyone else as well.

She uses her powers in a dastardly plan for an all encompassing lovefest where everyone decides to get on together. Forever and ever and ever.

I doesn't matter that Mal decided to Kill Simon. All is at piece now. (yes I hate HATE HATE scifi pacifism. I want them to destroy each other. Reading 13 books in a series that ends that way? Well, just be glad I did not really enjoy the series. I just wanted some closure, no matter how bad it was. I am not bitter. Honest. Why does no one believe me?)

Oh, I forgot to introduce Moya. or Agent smith. Or the Architect. Do we need HAL to make an appearance? (That robot from Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy is awesome though. Can't use him in worse fic ever. I think hotpoint used a very similar robot in his war epic. But gave it nukes. and made it a ship.)

STINKINGROSE

Friday, September 7, 2007 10:55 PM

Ming. The Merciless.

WYTCHCROFT

Friday, September 7, 2007 10:57 PM

nbz - you freakin genius you!

NBZ

Friday, September 7, 2007 11:10 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
Ming. The Merciless.

With Jayne as Flash. Flash Gordon.

RIVERFLAN

Saturday, September 8, 2007 2:09 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
Quote:
Originally posted by stinkingrose:
Ming. The Merciless.

With Jayne as Flash. Flash Gordon.

Yeah, you could have Jayne and Flash merge into one being, causing Yo-Saff-Misti to abandon Jayne/Flash and go corrupt Book, who immediately goes to the Special Hell since he dies in that act of sin. And he can't get reserected.

Please please include the spaggetti aliens? Or give one of the crew Tom Smith Disease?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

SPACEANJL

Saturday, September 8, 2007 5:35 PM

nbz wrote:
Friday, September 07, 2007 12:40
Oh, we also need a crossover with Dune.

...I knew if I made BG/Companion comparisons often enough it would hurt someone's mind.

I am now having visions of Mal and Jayne riding sandworms. This is actually more sane than the idea that I was writing.

Actually, I have a nasty feeling that with my penchant for raiding book and film, virtually everything I have written qualifies for either this fic, a Mary-Sue Award or a Section 8. Bwah!

*creeps away again in shame*

STINKINGROSE

Saturday, September 8, 2007 10:55 PM

Yes, but your Mary Sues read better than some people's stringent efforts at chanelling Joss without introducing any outside influence or characters and having nothing but serious peril.

Give me well written and engaging whacked stuff any day!

SPACEANJL

Sunday, September 9, 2007 4:17 PM

Mary-Sue? Where? What? *guilty look* I wrote that?

I do try and stringently channel Joss. It's just...the other voices come and want to play, too.

Guess what? I've been reading Lovecraft...

STINKINGROSE

Sunday, September 9, 2007 9:54 PM

uh oh.

(all apparently guilty of commiting mary sue by definition?)
(raises hand )

REAVERMAN

Monday, September 10, 2007 8:57 PM

You should name Zoe and Wash's baby Hoban. He will be a talking baby with mommy issues and a dinosaur fetish that gets shot 30 years into the past and grows up to be... WASH!!! Wash is his own father!!!

"I refuse to submit,
To the god you say is kind.
I know what's right, and it is time,
It's time to fight, and free our minds!

Our spirits were forged in snow and ice,
To bend like steel forged over fire.
We were not made to bend like reed,
Or to turn the other cheek!"

- from the song "Thousand Years of Opression" by Amon Amarth

RIVERFLAN

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 1:35 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Eeew.....not sure I can figure out how to have him survive being drawn and quartered. :shudder:

:Holds Mal protectively:

You could have Simon/River/Kaylee/Zoe/Whoever stitch him up. With a bit of fringe from his "buddha" outfit maybe

.

Please please please put either the spaggetti worms in or give one of the crew Tom Smith disease. That's all I ask.

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

WYTCHCROFT

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 10:44 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Eeew.....not sure I can figure out how to have him survive being drawn and quartered. :shudder:

plant his remains in the desert - he comes back as a giant sand worm god emperor of firefly!

WYTCHCROFT

Wednesday, September 12, 2007 10:51 PM

of course - while in the transmutational state he meets multiple saintly types and passes on great wisdom from john lennon, ghandi, sarek, THE AUTHOR, and shirley maclaine...

RIVERFLAN

Thursday, September 13, 2007 12:39 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
of course - while in the transmutational state he meets multiple saintly types and passes on great wisdom from john lennon, ghandi, sarek, THE AUTHOR, and shirley maclaine...

Include Sonny in on that too, please (the smart robot in iRobot, that has Alan's voice)

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

SCHOONER

Thursday, September 13, 2007 2:22 AM

Hey, what about accents?

"Cap'n what'r ya doin'? We jus' cain't leave'em stran'd!

"Hush, lil Kaylee. We jus' gotta git a bit'a distance 'tween us'n'em fer now"

Kaylee sounding like an extra from Hee-Haw.
Mal sounding like an extra from Bonanza.
Jayne either just grunting, or sounding like some weird mix of Texas and Brooklyn.
Simon using British figures of speech.

Gotta be in there somewhere, y'know

WYTCHCROFT

Thursday, September 13, 2007 6:38 PM

damn straight l'il schooner...

and i was finkin' also along the linesa cute cockerney potenshal slayeahs like molly, innit.

also: riverflan can sonny count twice if he comes with cher?

RIVERFLAN

Friday, September 14, 2007 2:22 AM

Sure!

Maybe Sonny can be Wash's reincarnated form... The alliance somehow puts his personality into a robot (Sonny), and he gets Zoe pregnant while in robot form, so his son is a cyborg with the ability to travel though time! Of course, the first thing the son does, is miraculously grow to be 30 years old, and then sweeps Saffron off her feet, so she's trying to date two guys at once, Jayne and Wash's son, and gets discovered. It's okay, because they both discover they're bi-sexual, and so they form a three-some of bed partners.

And Badger is Niska's son! I just now realized this

Remember, the spaggetti worms or the Tom Smith Disease, please! . if you do it, jetflair!

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

MOBBEX

Saturday, September 15, 2007 12:30 AM

Agh... huh... This is the most... evil... twisted... just... What is wrong with you?!

I just can't abide Rayne. Or River/anybody. Or Jayne/anybody. That just doesn't make sense. And I don't think Joss ment for his wonderful creation to end up as a love-boat with a slightly different setting that other love-boats. Joss didn't do that in the show, or the movie, so why do you people assume that it would have happened? ----Riverflan

REAVERMAN

Saturday, September 15, 2007 1:11 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by Mobbex:
Agh... huh... This is the most... evil... twisted... just... What is wrong with you?!

Ain't that kinda the point?

[img]

[/img]

"I refuse to submit,
To the god you say is kind.
I know what's right, and it is time,
It's time to fight, and free our minds!

Our spirits were forged in snow and ice,
To bend like steel forged over fire.
We were not made to bend like reed,
Or to turn the other cheek!"

- from the song "Thousand Years of Opression" by Amon Amarth

REAVERMAN

Saturday, September 15, 2007 1:12 AM

Aaarrrgghhhh! Damn you, double post!!!

JETFLAIR

Saturday, September 15, 2007 9:28 AM

Sorry I've been absent - that cursed thing called real life intervened :( It's still intervening, but I wanted to let y'all know I'm still most eager to do this ;)

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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WYTCHCROFT

Saturday, September 15, 2007 9:47 AM

good! (slave driver wytch!)

hope real life is working out - not just working.
stay shiny:)

RIVERFLAN

Saturday, September 15, 2007 9:02 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Mobbex:
Agh... huh... This is the most... evil... twisted... just... What is wrong with you?!

Well, I've been known to be subjected to fits of temporary inasnity, so...

Or, the other explanation is that I have multiple personalities, if you prefer that one

Well, with all these twisted, wrong, and sick "plot" ideas, we are all pretty much guaranteed an awful fic. Lets hear it for jetflair, for coming up with this idea and letting us all have fun with it!

Edit: Just a comment, Mobbex: So you say that about that "plot" idea I had, and not my other ones, or anyone elses? Just wondering what causes that.

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

RIVERFLAN

Saturday, September 15, 2007 9:19 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by jetflair:
Quote:
Originally posted by nbz:
Looks really interesting. (and I am glad you added the bit about a job going south.)

I can't really add to the list though. I am not creative enough.

:channels Kaylee:
The whole point is, it ain't creative ;)

I want no spark of originality or inspiration in the whole gorram thing :D

Oops. So does that mean that our twisted but wildly creative "plot" ideas will never be used?
:(

And Tom Smith Disease, please. It's an out-of-context/universe apperance just because maybe the wonderful author finds it cool?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

MOBBEX

Sunday, September 16, 2007 4:59 AM

Quote:
Mobbex: So you say that about that "plot" idea I had, and not my other ones, or anyone elses? Just wondering what causes that.

I was indeed refering to that "plot" idea you had. I was awestruck by its sheer wickedness. And It had me laughing lots, which is always a treat.

If you (as in: your multiple selfs

) happen to have any other episodes of amoral, depraved, or naughty inspiration, I strongly encourage you to share them!

I just can't abide Rayne. Or River/anybody. Or Jayne/anybody. That just doesn't make sense. And I don't think Joss ment for his wonderful creation to end up as a love-boat with a slightly different setting that other love-boats. Joss didn't do that in the show, or the movie, so why do you people assume that it would have happened? ----Riverflan

SWEETESTHAT

Sunday, September 16, 2007 5:45 AM

Sounds like we need some sort of WrongFic contest or something...

(But count me out, I can't write worth a gorramn. Can't even finish a story unless it's *real* short.)

Still, there are way too many good (?) ideas here to go to waste.

one of the FORSAKEN (self-appointed): We aim to burn!

RIVERFLAN

Sunday, September 16, 2007 3:51 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by SweetestHat:
Sounds like we need some sort of WrongFic contest or something...

(But count me out, I can't write worth a gorramn. Can't even finish a story unless it's *real* short.)

Still, there are way too many good (?) ideas here to go to waste.

I think that's an EXCELLENT idea! Cause I don't see how anyone could combine all these good? ideas in one fic.

But what do we give to the winner...loser?

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

MAL4PREZ

Sunday, September 16, 2007 5:40 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by SweetestHat:
Sounds like we need some sort of WrongFic contest or something...

WrongFic.

If I had that little emoticon of the guy rolling on the floor laughing, I'd put him here!

-----------------------------------------------
hmm-burble-blah, blah-blah-blah, take a left

RIVERFLAN

Sunday, September 16, 2007 5:42 PM

Gorramit! A double post!

RIVERFLAN

Sunday, September 16, 2007 5:42 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:

Maybe Sonny can be Wash's reincarnated form... The alliance somehow puts his personality into a robot (Sonny), and he gets Zoe pregnant while in robot form, so his son is a cyborg with the ability to travel though time! Of course, the first thing the son does, is miraculously grow to be 30 years old, and then sweeps Saffron off her feet, so she's trying to date two guys at once, Jayne and Wash's son, and gets discovered. It's okay, because they both discover they're bi-sexual, and so they form a three-some of bed partners.

And Badger is Niska's son! I just now realized this

And, to add to my awful plot:

Kaylee's baby with Niska is... Badger! And Wash/Sonny's son transports Badger back in time so he can grow up to be his greasy self. Then Badger realizes he always wanted to be a woman, so he gets a sex change, and the Niska rapes her, and Badger's baby is... Niska!

And Wash/Sonny's son transports Niska in his young self in the past in an assassin mission to kill Niska so he can't rape Kaylee, but that never happens because he doesn't want to suicide (and, besides, he hated Mal since he first met him, and he wants to grow up to torture Mal)

Oh, and Niska was originally born a girl, but became a man right before he started building his reputation as a torturer.

How's that for amoral, depraved, and naughty, Mobbex!

Yes, I did that just for you. Doesn't that make you feel shiny?

MOBBEX

Sunday, September 16, 2007 7:43 PM

'Mind is 100% boggled

You have talent !

I just can't abide Rayne. Or River/anybody. Or Jayne/anybody. That just doesn't make sense. And I don't think Joss ment for his wonderful creation to end up as a love-boat with a slightly different setting that other love-boats. Joss didn't do that in the show, or the movie, so why do you people assume that it would have happened? ----Riverflan

RIVERFLAN

Sunday, September 16, 2007 11:25 PM

Thankee

Think I should do some more, or do you think even this thread can't stand it?

If we're really going to have a WrongFic contest, I think I should enter!

"The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds, given adequate vaccuuming systems." -River

"It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think -River

Bwaa!

WYTCHCROFT

Monday, September 24, 2007 5:33 PM

bumpin this beeauty...

RIVERFLAN

Friday, September 28, 2007 11:34 PM

BUMP! I wanna know if this WrongFic contest is gonna be official! Please say it is. I wanna enter!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favorite quotes:

VERASAMUELS

Saturday, September 29, 2007 4:04 PM

As well as the Mary-Sues, don't forget the Marty-Sues. Beyond perfect teeth-itching fellas for one or more of the ladies on board.

Jayne goes all pink and girly [though I'd pay Adam $$$$ to act it!!!].

Mal/River - beyond bad . Ick.
Simon/River - worse. Triple Ick.

River suddenly gets absolutely & completely healed
[not gonna happen, part of her brain has gone, folks!]

Mal/Inara suddenly getting an attack of the pink, fluffy & nauseating romantic twaddle with each other.

Jayne has a sex change

Saffron reforms and becomes so squeaky clean that you want to hit her, hard

Niska, ditto.

ANY of the crew having sex with Badger

The Alliance roll over and let the Browncoats take charge

Book is secretly Mal/Jayne/Wash/Zoe/etc father [The Lucas variant]

Reavers turn nice and friendly

Zoe/Mal - No, no, no!!!

Putting self into story just in order to have sex with the crew member[s] of choice.

Book/anyone - celibacy, much?

Vera

Devout Keeper of Jayne's Lunchbox

RIVERFLAN

Saturday, September 29, 2007 4:41 PM

Bump!

jetflair, where are you?

If anyone knows, please go to this thread
http://www.fireflyfans.net/thread.asp?b=11&t=30711&m=543667#543667
and let us know, please.

Thanks!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favorite quotes:

JETFLAIR

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 8:38 AM

For RiverFlan:

Book knelt in prayer, finally whispering, "RAmen." In the quiet moments before he stood, he could almost swear he felt the touch of His Noodly Appendage.

A While Back

The blinding white light faded, and Book felt himself floating. Looking down in a daze at the hazy figures below, feeling the rage and heartbreak of the small crew he'd learned to call family.

The face of the Flying Spaghetti monster peered at him through the farsighted meatballs that functioned as eyes. A beer volcano bubbled in the heavens above, and he could see the cobbled path to the stripper factory at the edge of his vision. "I'm not ready to go yet," Book said. "I know – I've violated the eight I'd Rather You Didn’ts, especially the one about the subjugating and eviscerating and oppressing. It was – a companion thing. But I'm so close to redemption. That man – " he pointed down at Mal, who was currently dispatching unarmed men and threatening to shoot his crew – "is a divine being. A pirate. I need to guide his path. I need to be alive for that man."

The Flying Spaghetti Monster burped with a twitch of His Noodly Appendages. "The one strapping bodies to the nose of his ship?" One eyeball peered down speculatively. "Does he plan to eat those, I wonder? Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn. I was drunk when I wrote those rather you didn't things. Stripper factory?"

"Your honor – I need to finish this. I need to safeguard the holy pirate so he can fulfill his destiny," said Book with resolve.

"Fine," He sighed, wiping His brow with a noodle. "On one condition. You deliver that one –" he dripped a speck of sauce on Simon's shoulder "- to me for a brief anal probing. I'm getting tired of being the one and only complex-carbohydrate omnipotent being, and he just might be My Chosen One. I must investigate." He wiggled one of His appendages suggestively.

Book nodded assent, and the world went black again.

Now. Still with the contemplation.

Book fingered himself where the wounds had been, then slipped his hand – elsewhere briefly. Sometimes he missed being a companion. He'd awoken without a mark on him, just some lingering traces of spaghetti sauce. And now, it was time to be reunited with the sacred pirate.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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WYTCHCROFT

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 8:47 AM

yay:)

JETFLAIR

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 8:53 AM

For Wytchcroft:

Zoe sat down at the dining table for breakfast alone. "What's the matter? You look exhausted," said Mal.

Zoe sighed. "It's Wash. All he did all night was cry. He was obviously horribly traumatized by his stay in the Academy, but he won't talk about it. Just cries in the fetal position clutching a dinosaur."

River stood. "I can read his mind."

"Oh – right. Good idea," agreed Zoe. "Come on everyone, let's go hear what really happened to Wash. I'm pretty sure he wants as many crew members as possible to hear his story."

Wash and Zoe's cabin was a mite crowded with eight people in it, but they made do. Wash was lying, gratuitously naked on the bed with only a few bits not allowed on TV showing. The whole crew paused to admire his handsome figure, and to regret the fact that Zoe would kill them if they made a move.

"I brought you another dinosaur, Wash," said River, pressing the offering into his hand. He gripped it with a sob.

"Why'd ya' marry such a wuss?" asked Jayne. "Bein' a worrior woman and all."

Zoe glared. "My honey-bunches-of-oats can bring it when he needs to. He's just such a paragon of everything that's good and kind and funny that he rarely shows it."

"About time he showed some balls," muttered Jayne.

"Fine," snapped Zoe, pulling the blanket back. "There. Happy now?"

"Ain't we hit just plain gratuitous now?" asked Mal. "Not that he doesn't have a nice body and all, but the viewers'll get to see my even more appealing one under even less erotic circumstances soon."

"Some people might actually find you being stripped naked and tortured to be erotic," Kaylee reminded him. "Chicks dig scars, and apparently some of them take that to a whole new level."

Mal shuddered. "Point taken."

"The Academy," whispered River, curling up in the fetal position, back to back with Wash. "He was there too."

"We actually knew that already, hon," said Zoe. "Can you confine the exposition to what we don't know?"

~~~~~

He'd forgotten. Lord, how he wished he could still forget. His parents carrying him lovingly off that smog-filled planet and delivering him into the caring hands of the Alliance academy. He wanted to see the stars, and they promised to modify him into the perfect fighter pilot. His innocent little self had walked in at fourteen, ready to conquer the galaxy.

He hadn't known that conquering the galaxy would mean months of carefully calculated psychological and chemical torture, hadn't known about the multiple brain surgeries and implants and experiments he'd be facing. Hadn't known it was all a big experiment, until he heard doctors talking in worried tones about his developing dinosaur fetish.

It had been Dr. Prick's idea to use Hawaiian shirts as a behavioral trigger. When dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, he would be a flying prodigy. When stripped naked in a tiny white cell (the Academy, having a voyeuristic bent, favored keeping students stripped naked in tiny white cells. Seemed it was easiest to "observe" them that way, and it saved on laundry bills), he was simply an ordinary guy with a dinosaur fetish.

Things had gotten a little better when Dr. Obvious had suggested that sending him through flight school might help him develop piloting skills. In the special Alliance Flight Academy, he'd slowly recovered to the point where he could fly when in a nurturing environment surrounded by dinosaurs, palm trees, and wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

The Alliance had been frustrated at their failure, and experimented with beating him at night when he was stripped naked in his tiny white cell. When Dr. Obvious asked how, exactly, that might improve his flying ability, the others had scratched their comb-overs in puzzlement.

Finally, declaring him of no value whatsoever to the Alliance, they had wiped his brain (a highly unpleasant process involving Drano and a glow stick) and released him with a pilot's license.

"He fought them," said River in a shaky voice. "He fought, and they plucked him out of the sky. They gave th

RIVERFLAN

Thursday, October 4, 2007 1:00 AM

Thank you!

I feel shiny now- this story is going to be awesomely bad!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favorite quotes:

WYTCHCROFT

Thursday, October 4, 2007 6:02 PM

LOL:) and so... plausible - shove it in the BSR:)

JETFLAIR

Thursday, October 4, 2007 6:08 PM

LOL - isn't it just so (not!) Firefly? :D

I'm actually going to refrain sticking this in the BSR until it's done, I think. And first, I promised some folks they could beta :D

There is still much cringe-worthy awfulness yet to be written. For instance, I need at least three or four more declarations of undying love. I don't even have one from Jayne yet, for heaven's sakes!

"Love keeps her in the air...."

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WYTCHCROFT

Thursday, October 4, 2007 6:12 PM

may i humbly suggest the title:
'The De-Lousing Side'?

heh heh
(if i've spelt it right...)

RIVERFLAN

Thursday, October 4, 2007 10:29 PM

Could you, the most wonderful writer, fufill a request for me?

Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My favorite quotes:

JETFLAIR

Saturday, October 6, 2007 9:24 AM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
may i humbly suggest the title:
'The De-Lousing Side'?

heh heh
(if i've spelt it right...)

LOL - that's hilarious!

Quote:
Originally posted by RiverFlan:
Could you, the most wonderful writer, fufill a request for me?

Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?

Um - She Who Is Ignorant wants to know what, exactly, Tom Smith disease is? I even googled it and didn't come up with anything besides a filk song!

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

WYTCHCROFT

Saturday, October 6, 2007 9:38 AM

Quote:

Could one of the crew get Tom Smith Disease, pretty please?

Um - She Who Is Ignorant wants to know what, exactly, Tom Smith disease is? I even googled it and didn't come up with anything besides a filk song!

maybe RF meant TOM PETTY disease - a chronic syndrome forcing you to tour, (with crew and chums in tow) the far reaches of the black for all eternity, regardless of who, when or how comes the audience, comes the coin - etc...?

RIVERFLAN

Saturday, October 6, 2007 9:35 PM

The filk song IS what I'm talking about. Listen to it and you'll see what I mean. The song's hilarious, and so's his other work.

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My favorite quotes:

WYTCHCROFT

Sunday, October 7, 2007 9:12 PM

wash comes back (again again) as the First evil - no/one can touch him - 'cept his special blue gloves.

in a cheery fluffly comic scene Jayne - bravely trying to save the crew - snatches the gloves - and is transformed into a helpless cleaning lady - but so cute (natch) - in fact his new found charm and cha making abilities render the impending crisis of River's ALIEN BIRTH fairly trivial - and at least as Jayne himself says "Hell, i aint responsible for THAT one."

Mal (now written by wytchcroft) begins to talk only in patois - or is that pastiche? -
known as GALACTIC or gibberese:

"Now you be holding up your horses there son - catching at my attentionalising an all - i know things aint so shiny but we gotta keep focussome aboout the 'verse an all ok? fine. Shiny. Again. Gorram - well, maybe - etc etc"

ah, i feel better now - off to caleb's room. I CAN TAKE MY PUNISHMENT LIKE A WYTCH.

well now, let's be testin' that theory a yours l'il wytch...

gulp!

n.b. events recurr and are posted MANY TIMES in a row

GORRAMGROUPIE

Saturday, October 13, 2007 8:32 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by singate:

Inara used to be a man.

On that note:
Jayne gets man boobs.

ALLIETHORN7

Saturday, October 13, 2007 11:43 PM

I'm not sure if this has come up yet (The list is too gorram long to read before midnight), but here's a few:

Wash comes back as a zombie
ZOMBIE HORDE!!!
Godzilla
Rodan
All those other monster folk
Simon dieing heroically at the climax for Kaylee/River
Mal """" for Inara/Zoe
Any crew member """" Badger/ any OTHER crew member
Reformed Reavers (Yes, I am guilty of this)
Random songs from the twenty-first century appearing (Again, guilty as charged )
Jayne, a whore, an empty room, silence.
Inara going ape-shit crazy on the world in general (Although, admittedly, entertaining)

-Danny

We move for all mankind,
A million miles from everything we've ever know...
We're on their hearts and minds,
A million heads are bowed to bring us safely home...
Hemmed in by emptiness,
A million ways that everything could be undone...

THRICE RULES!!!!!!!!!
My Master went to the Moon in a Rocket of Flamin' Cheese!
I LIKE CHEESE!!!
http://www.myspace.com/otherrandomdude

WYTCHCROFT

Monday, October 15, 2007 8:42 AM

"GORRAM it!" His mighty boots stamping into the muddy earth JAYNE COBB swept up the shaking and imbecilic form of Malcolm Reynolds. "I - I'm sorry..." croaked Mal feebly.

"Now don't you worry yerself none." said jayne, "you 're in my hands now. you gotta wife to get home to, i'm gonna make gorram sure you do."

The explosions were closing in. And there were reavers too!

"Grenade!" Yelled Jayne reaching into his backpack (while the narrator loving detailed its specifications, instructions on use and how to purchase on-line).

There was a satisfying bang and the sound of dead Reavers!

"Grenade!" Whooped Jayne again - this time there was a softer PLOP!

"Ah hell, that wern't no grenade... that were Jayne Jr the Nineth!"
"I won't tell..." smiled the grateful Mal.

Jayne scowled "Yeh but River can read minds!"
"You aint got one Jayne"
"Hell, that's right!"

Gleefully he began throwing babies with wicked accuracy at the nasty Reavers. The reavers began to RUN!

"Hmm - think this one mighta been monty's anyhow..." said Jayne hurling the bearded baby dead eye into a swarthy reaver face. "Never did trust Inara."

"No no - that was one of mine - but go right ahead." smiled the grateful Captain.

Last up was a blue eyed, golden haired little dum-dum. "hmmm - one of Wash's..." said Jayyne, "I should keep you for sentimental reasons, i'm sensitive like that..." he hurled the armour piercing child into the ragged ranks of surviving reavers.

"But Zoe never forgave River sleeping with you Wash - and besides we all know YOU AINT DEAD!"

meanwhile in Serenity, Simon was curing a tribble like epidemic of space hero babies with a large hyperdemic and a heart full of LOVE.

WYTCHCROFT

Monday, October 15, 2007 9:39 AM

Pt 2 (of 750)

pausing only to have another child, River gazed adoringly at the ranks of karate stanced infants beside her. She especially liked the cutesome grey haired trippplets Mag, Zine and Hardback - souvenirs of her meaningful spritual tryst with the avatar spirit of Shepherd Thingy called down to her one hot and stuffy night (tho it might have been simon in a play suit, he was such a joker!).

suddenly her eyes turned inwards - her voice seemed bigger and a bit scary (but not too much ok).
"I see dead people... no wait - I relive days... no wait - once in every generation... no wait - you are the ooze that eats itself... um, lotta static today."

Still, it was time for school and jayne would be furious if the littluns weren't there on time.

Pausing only to have another child ("Wotcha!" it said with the usual Tam precocity. Hmm... have to get that one a hat...) she armed herself with a big gun and a short dress - dashed from the shuttle and began to kick the crap out of the waiting queue of parents.

"Out my ruttin way!" she yelled. "I'm a force of a nature - no, wait... the Truth is Out There... no, wait..."

by which time the karate children had stolen the shuttle and headed for the red light planet of SoHomeworld. "Hell we wanna par-tey!!" they gurgled merrily. "We's Cobb chillun GORRAM it!" they burped.

then - in a sudden but inevitable betrayal - they all put on blue gloves and did the oompa lumpa dance.

"what's... we can't - Dumpitty Do..."

And it was true - the pre-programmed shuttle had taken them into the very worst of crossover hells and it looked like they were DOOMED to spend eternity working for the Willy Wonka Corporation...

but - alas... it all ends happily of course.

RIVERFLAN

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 12:13 AM

Wow, that's really bad... I mean good of course

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember to vote!
http://www.richlabonte.net/tvvote/index.html
~~~~~
My favorite quotes:

PLATONIST

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 12:27 AM

pausing to only have another child, River....

Wytchcroft, that transition alone tells me you are one twisted mother of a writer. I frackin can't stop laughing.

WYTCHCROFT

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 9:50 AM

thanks!

RIVERFLAN

Friday, October 19, 2007 1:25 AM

Were you serious about the Pg2(out of 750) thing? If you were, could I get a beta, or are they in the blue sun room?

@)~*~*~*$~*~*~*)~(*~*~*~$*~*~*~(@
Remember to vote!
http://www.richlabonte.net/tvvote/index.html
$)~*~*)~(*~*~($
My favorite quotes:

SUPERUNKNOWN

Saturday, October 20, 2007 12:07 AM

- A fight scene should be recycled from "Angel".
- Mal should vamp out during said fight.
- No-one notices anything out of the ordinary.
- A musical happens on-board Serenity.

MOBBEX

Saturday, October 20, 2007 9:41 PM

Quote:
Pt 2 (of 750)

pausing only to have another child, River gazed adoringly at the ranks of karate stanced infants beside her. She especially liked the cutesome grey haired trippplets Mag, Zine and Hardback - souvenirs of her meaningful spritual tryst with the avatar spirit of Shepherd Thingy called down to her one hot and stuffy night (tho it might have been simon in a play suit, he was such a joker!).

suddenly her eyes turned inwards - her voice seemed bigger and a bit scary (but not too much ok).
"I see dead people... no wait - I relive days... no wait - once in every generation... no wait - you are the ooze that eats itself... um, lotta static today."

Still, it was time for school and jayne would be furious if the littluns weren't there on time.

Pausing only to have another child ("Wotcha!" it said with the usual Tam precocity. Hmm... have to get that one a hat...) she armed herself with a big gun and a short dress - dashed from the shuttle and began to kick the crap out of the waiting queue of parents.

"Out my ruttin way!" she yelled. "I'm a force of a nature - no, wait... the Truth is Out There... no, wait..."

by which time the karate children had stolen the shuttle and headed for the red light planet of SoHomeworld. "Hell we wanna par-tey!!" they gurgled merrily. "We's Cobb chillun GORRAM it!" they burped.

then - in a sudden but inevitable betrayal - they all put on blue gloves and did the oompa lumpa dance.

"what's... we can't - Dumpitty Do..."

And it was true - the pre-programmed shuttle had taken them into the very worst of crossover hells and it looked like they were DOOMED to spend eternity working for the Willy Wonka Corporation...

but - alas... it all ends happily of course.

Oh, man ain't that gruesome! No really I can barely read through the whole thing, it's sickening!

JETFLAIR

Sunday, October 21, 2007 10:58 AM

Laughing too hard to write properly! :D

You people are evil geniuses.

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

SUPERUNKNOWN

Sunday, October 21, 2007 11:08 AM

Evil geniuses we may be, but good looking ones we are.

Talk like Yoda I do; abused for heresy I will be, yet stop I cannot seem to.

RIVERFLAN

Sunday, October 21, 2007 3:50 PM

I can't wait to read it!!!

@)~*~*~*$)~*~*~*)~(*~*~*~($*~*~*~(@

Gots to get away from the green, nasty dragon
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My favorite quotes:

WYTCHCROFT

Friday, October 26, 2007 10:10 AM

reporting to caleb for crimes in the following manner:

wytchcroft writes:

"Red rum red rum!" the urchin form of the ragged river squealed as she circled the endless yet never once adaquately described corridors of the Overlook (and possibly now over used) Hotel Moon.

Depth and profundity flashed across her eyes as Mal shifted his weight crossing and uncrossing his arms like a restless junky. "Wha? well,an I done reckon that's a truthsome way of reckoningly expressivefying stuff" he murmered in the usual wytch gibberese.

"Red rum! Red rum!"
River circled the crew - the wheels on her tricycle squealing and squeaking and again with the squeaking.

"This piece of crap moon* so close to a black hole it's sucking the vocabulary right outta me!" Mal thought -- even as he folded and unfolded his arms again.

"Don't you be agreeing with me Mary-Sue - I mean, Zoe?"

Zoe said nothing - because she never does obviously but her mind rolled back the years to the pastoral days of the log cabin and all the endless autumn cliches you could wish for.

Mean time Simon was searching desperately through his bag for a hypo to inject the precedings with some vague dose of humour at least.

Kaylee gnashed her teeth and made other random seeming gestures (not unlike mal)...

meantime a ghastly forshadowed midget assassin was stealing up on them... his fingers clutching at pieces of metal. and for why - he wanted to know.

River meantime was dancing around talking to her finger and the little boy who lives in her mouth.

"Gorram it!" yelled Mal. "I asked for a Shindig -not the ruttin' SHINING."

Jayne meantime had fled to a superior level of characterisation.

..........................

come back spaceanjl - you see what happens when u turn your back??

ok Caleb... i'm ready for my close up now

*fan obsessive referential quoting of fave characters (saffron) to the point of criminal procedings sure to follow...

JETFLAIR

Sunday, October 28, 2007 12:48 PM

Quote:

Mean time Simon was searching desperately through his bag for a hypo to inject the precedings with some vague dose of humour at least.

Jayne meantime had fled to a superior level of characterisation.

You know the kind of humor that's drop-dead hilarious 'cause it's so true? That would be it, right up there.

Could I please use those lines in thewrongfic?

"Love keeps her in the air...."

www.serenityverse.com/fffanfic - My fanfics
www.serenityverse.com/shop - Firefly Jewelry

WYTCHCROFT

Sunday, October 28, 2007 1:30 PM

use any and every thing you think funny enough - i'm glad to have made y'chuckle:)

ALBIO

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 11:11 PM

any of mine

COLT999

Saturday, November 3, 2007 5:17 PM

Huge thread so someone might have thought of this but I think there should be a few tire swings hanging from the wings and maybe convert one of the air locks to a water slide for the all the kids to play on.

WYTCHCROFT

Saturday, January 3, 2009 4:38 AM

bump

BYTEMITE

Saturday, January 3, 2009 6:37 AM

I don't know if this fic was ever posted, but I would really like to read it now. o.o

I get the feeling it would betray all efforts to be horrendous and be beautiful mind-blowing perfection instead.

NCBROWNCOAT

Saturday, January 3, 2009 2:21 PM

I don't think it was ever actually written and exists only on this thread. Which is a good thing, people can contribute to the "worst of the worst" in perpetuity,

http://fireflyfaninnc.livejournal.com/

CAROLJUDE

Sunday, January 4, 2009 7:37 PM

The Operative is the son of [dramatic music cue] SHEPHERD BOOK! Who was ALSO, in the past life he doesn't have to tell Mal about... [dramatic music cue] an OPERATIVE!!! And... the Book that dies on Haven is... a BOT!

ALSO.... SO IS WASH! The real Book has had another Bot made in Wash's likeness JUST IN CASE a situation arose where Reavers might shoot sharpened telephone poles into the windshield of Serenity. He convinces Wash to the switch easily, pointing out that (very handy, completely shielded, and well-stocked) secret cave on Haven = relative safety, while Reaver space = not so much. In case of the bot surviving, Book has programmed it with a code phrase to differentiate it from Wash.... "I am a leaf on the wind...."

After all are reunited, Book creates a new dilemma for Mal and the crew of Serenity... "Help me find my son."

[cue dramatic music]

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Walk tall, or don't walk at all...

WYTCHCROFT

Wednesday, January 7, 2009 7:19 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by CarolJude:

That's the spirit!:)

........................

meanwhile Inara has nagged (in a feminist unfeminist way) the long suffering (in a macho non macho way) mal into opening a chain of boutiques specialising in hand crafted pottery - during a racy slow motion clay scene they accidentally arouse the spirit of Mr Universe who gleefully attempts to inhabit the flesh once again.
This turns out to be Inara's flesh and soon Mr Uni is getting it on with the Captain in a freaky NC-17 piece of zombie prawn.

Fortunately this comes to an end when Zoe walks in and puts a bullet into the back of Inara's head.

Now it's tense as Simon attempts to keep the comatose companion alive until Serenity makes it to the nearest hospital.

Will Inara survive yet another fatal fan cliff hanger?

River doesn't think so and beats everyone up in sight whilst singing Dr Seus books backwards.

Zoe and Jayne were played by Sir Also Not Appearing in this film.

MOONDOG

Monday, February 2, 2009 2:03 PM

You want crossovers? (cackle, cackle) I'll give you ceossovers! Howzabout Book is/was a paratime cop, or maybe a lensman? What if they had a glitch in the navacomputer and got so far off course that they stumbled onto PERN?? Or they returned (via wormhole) to Earth that was and it was run by apes??? The mind bogggles at the possabilities. Maybe they crossed into a paralell universe where magic worked???? That should mess with Jayne's mind. I could keep going but my meds are kicking in--suddenly all I can think of are vegetables--oooh carrots...

WYTCHCROFT

Saturday, February 7, 2009 10:08 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by moondog:
You want crossovers? (cackle, cackle) I'll give you ceossovers! Howzabout Book is/was a part-time cop,

yeah with like the great great great grandson of TJ Hooker! )))

CHRISISALL

Saturday, February 7, 2009 10:35 PM

I never wanna see fanfic like some of Treks', that would be, Mal & Simon being lovers.
GRRRRR!!!

The laughing Chrisisall

MOONDOG

Saturday, February 7, 2009 10:53 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
Quote:
Originally posted by moondog:
You want crossovers? (cackle, cackle) I'll give you ceossovers! Howzabout Book is/was a part-time cop,

yeah with like the great great great grandson of TJ Hooker! )))

that's PARA-time cop-- Check out H. Beam Piper, "Paratime" "Lord Kalvin of Otherwhen".

WYTCHCROFT

Sunday, February 8, 2009 10:32 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by moondog:
Quote:
Originally posted by wytchcroft:
Quote:
Originally posted by moondog:
You want crossovers? (cackle, cackle) I'll give you ceossovers! Howzabout Book is/was a part-time cop,

yeah with like the great great great grandson of TJ Hooker! )))

that's PARA-time cop-- Check out H. Beam Piper, "Paratime" "Lord Kalvin of Otherwhen".

yeah. uh. actually i knew that.

MOONDOG

Sunday, February 8, 2009 10:38 PM

Oh. Well unfortunately Piper is not well known these days. His books have been out of print for so long that some of them are now Public Domain. If you are interested, Google "Project Gutenburg" and you'll find them.

MOONDOG

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 12:37 AM

I just had a typically brilliant idea! Yes it did hurt but after a handfull of asperin and a bit of a lie down I'm better, thank you. I was watching an epsode of Sherlock Holmes--Jeremy Brett & Edward Hardwicke, of course--when the idea hit me. Mal (and maybe Zoe) is arrested on a seemingly ironclad charge of murder and River gets to play Holmes, With Simon tagging along hopefully to keep her out of trouble--as if he would be needed--and to play Watson. I can just hear her "Elementry, my dear Simon. If you eliminate the impossable all that remains, no matter how improbable must be the truth." I can also picture Jayne's reaction, wanting to bust him out by brute force and Simon has to slip him a tranc to keep him from hurting himsself.

every takeoff is optional, every landing is manditory

INSTANTKARMAGIRL

Friday, February 13, 2009 8:53 PM

ANOTHERSKY

Wednesday, March 4, 2009 6:43 PM

Takes up chant:
No Joss Anywhere! No Joss Anywhere!

Mimsy the widget? You are already my hero.

Serenity needs to be rehauled, preferably by Kaylee with no materials but chewing gum and foil. Twice. And River needs to tell her she's doing it wrong and she should really be fixing Simon.

Right before Simon goes into a hypersensitive hissy fit about this when...

Mal breaks in (bleeding) with a HUGE shipwide problem and for some reason Inara appears newly dressed in a PRACTICAL outfit that is her attempt at snorking the training house regulations which is 800 light years away and pulls Mal away into a quiet recess.

The ghost of Wash appears in the form of a tell-all tape that says what he only said before to his dinosaurs about his true feelings about each of the crew.

Oh--Original Characters need more of em. So Jayne can do the two things he does best. you fill that in.

Going for a ride.

--Another Sky

ALIASSE

Monday, March 16, 2009 7:51 PM

Can you please describe Badger somewhere as 'a funny little Irishman'. Saw this in a fic once and it makes me laugh everyday. 'e's not an Irishman, ya muppit, 'e's a LANDANER!

BIGDAMNFANBOY

Tuesday, October 4, 2011 5:03 AM

I am truly shocked, hasn't anyone mentioned threesomes? Also needs more Simon, for example Simon always acts like he wants to be in control when really he yearns for Mal or Jayne or Both (wink wink) to bend him over a rail and ravish him. Simon has to painfully admit to Kaylee that he's gay only to decide later that he doesn't need to pick only one gender to have sex with. I also agree with whoever suggested that Simon have no sexual experience, this allows for Simon to be embarrassed and for his lover/lovers to comfort him by telling him ho amazing the sex was.

BYTEMITE

Tuesday, October 4, 2011 5:08 PM

River decides she needs to birth a super-baby, with the combined genetic material of everyone on the crew, and drugs them with crazy-making-drugs. Wrong anatomy terms (pancreas! tibia!) and bodily functions (I recommend "respiration") are used, blood is referred to in place of any other fluids, characters describe impossible acts that they're doing out loud. A pineapple is involved, for some reason.

Similarly, freudian slips should be peppered throughout the rest of the fanfic.

Inara swears every other word. Her favourite swear should be "mother----er."

While on planet, they drive Serenity around like a truck. Wheels are inexplicably mentioned.

EBFIDDLER

Thursday, October 13, 2011 12:23 AM

OMG, this thread was so funny! I was laughing til I cried!

Let's see, I could add:

Kaylee spouts techie gibberish: "I'm gonna hot-wire the freeze-ray to the live-mag catalyzer, spring it to the compressor coil and irradiate the tungsten relay. That should do it." Simon nods sagely, like he understands what she said, and Mal says "I need that in Captain Dummy talk." Jayne, in character as a Wise Man, says, "That IS Captain Dummy talk."

Simon pulls off a dramatic rescue in the infirmary: "Mal has bled out more blood than is contained within the human body, with or without adequate vacuuming systems, but I shall nonetheless save him with this high tech Neurovisionary-Proximaldistal-Medicaljargon Scanner that I conveniently picked up on the last underdeveloped backwater slum moon without so much as a temple built that we visited (again conveniently) just before we headed into this job, even though I had no reason to anticipate that we'd need one of those. Ever." Mal (waking up, despite having no blood and having just been saved from certain death): "Doc, I'm tired of being stuck in this gorram infirmary. I'm gonna be a stubborn wangbadan and go to my own bunk and engage in vigorous sexual activities with Inara/River/Simon/Jayne/Mary Sue." *proceeds to do so*

BYTEMITE

Thursday, October 13, 2011 3:06 AM

And then Mal was a zombie.

EBFIDDLER

Thursday, October 13, 2011 3:31 AM

And has anyone read "Generic S/K Plot Outline" by ManicGiraffe? It incorporates just about every Firefly fanfic cliche there is in one hilarious read. Highlights include:
Thrilling heroics
Simon and Kaylee misunderstanding one another, repeatedly (and again)
Mal manfully brooding
River alternating between crazy and bratty
Shepherd Book sitting quietly in a corner because no one knows what to do with him in the average fanfic

BYTEMITE

Thursday, October 13, 2011 2:08 PM

I have seen my picture, and it is hung on the wall of shame.

BYTEMITE

Thursday, October 13, 2011 2:36 PM

<_<

The writer... The writer thinks that proper characterization is to make characters act like stereotypes.

Zoe speaks JIVE. She declares herself a soul sistah, and her streetwise advice and warmth endear her to everyone she meets. Not as much as Kaylee, though, who's incorruptible pure pureness has allowed her to twice come back from the dead. JESUS STYLE.

In a very special episode, Mal turns out to be a raging racist. And a raging homophobe. And an alcoholic. And gay. Culminating in an abusive scene of ambiguous consent involving Jayne and Simon to show how depraved he's become. Book "cures" him of the last one using God's words (because, the story implies, the last one is so much worse than the other three). In gratitude, Mal tells Book he'll stop burning crosses outside his room. This is forgotten by the next chapter, and never mentioned again.

EBFIDDLER

Thursday, October 13, 2011 4:02 PM

Bytemite, your contributions to The Most Awful Fic Ever are stellar in their awfulness. It takes true talent to sink to such depths. ;-) I especially love how in the "depraved Mal" scenario you've set out, all is forgotten by the next episode. Ha!

So here's another one:

Serenity crashes full-tilt into a planet, because no one can be bothered to keep watch on that ship, and the gorram proximity detector is STILL so bad that it doesn't signal anything until you're right on top of it. They don't even SEE that planet until it's too late to avoid the collision, and defying the laws of physics and ignoring the three-dimensionality of space, they are unable to, say, orbit the planet and end up plowing right into it.

The planet (since it is merely a stand-in for "town" in other genres) consists of only one town, only one climate zone, and only one type of topography. Don't matter that there's 90 degrees of north and south latitude available, and 360 degrees of longitude. It's entirely the same everywhere.

Having defied the laws of physics, it's now time to defy the laws of biology, and the crew miraculously survives the burning of uncontrolled re-entry AND the impact with the ground unscathed. They immediately head out to have adventures (not even having to unbuckle their seatbelts first, because who would use those anyhow?). Either that or they all DIE, and it's the Zombie crew that gets to have the adventures.

BYTEMITE

Thursday, October 13, 2011 11:23 PM

EB, I'm afraid I'm far from the worst this board has when it comes to intentional horror in literary form. I have just invited Mincingbeast to offer some ideas.

This is akin to someone arming a nuclear device during a carpet bombing run. Only hilarious as well as terrifying.

But, when it comes to violating the laws of physics and biology, such as the impossibility of having multiple fathers and mothers, I am a fan.

Therefore, I approve. And I think zombie crew might be great, because lots of people get annoyed by a kill them all scenario. But this would be especially bad if the crew can find a cure. For being dead.

Yeah.

VERASAMUELS

Friday, October 14, 2011 10:40 AM

For a really bad fic, may I suggest M-Preg? For maximum lulz, it should be Jayne who is the victim!

Devout Keeper of Jayne's Lunchbox

BYTEMITE

Saturday, October 15, 2011 12:27 AM

Now, you'll see. You have uttered the words M-preg, and now someone's gonna actually DO it.

It'll be an all devouring literary eldritch abomination, forever changing your understanding of the characters until something you loved is now only TRAUMA. It will reach back into your very memories and be-spoil them.

MINCINGBEAST

Monday, October 17, 2011 11:34 PM

What a lovely idea, though I see that this thread is as exhausted as my muse. There really is nothing to contribute at this point, so I type for the sake of typing.

After several awkward, earnest attempts at fanfic, of the sappiest and stupidest Mal/Inara variety, I concluded that the purpose of fanfic is to irritate. Not to work out the awful, unresolved sexual tension of Space Whore and her Asshole Captain.

As such, I have long been working on Simon/Reaver/Reaver/Reaver/Another Reaver/HIV positive Reaver/Reaver fanfic. Post yours; I'll post mine.

BYTEMITE

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 3:02 AM

D:

Oh god! I told you! I told you all!

He just gave us SPACE AIDS. D: And the only bright spot is that it's from a REAVER and not from Jayne's well used guns!

BYTEMITE

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 2:46 PM

Also, for the fic: Jayne fires bullets contaminated with venereal disease.

You... don't want to know.

Also, all characters should be redescribed in detail every few paragraphs or so, with inconsistent outfits and adjectives. However, what consistency there is should be completely ridiculous, like an insistence that Jayne has "limpid/soulful periwinkle eyes."

Much crying should be done about his tragic disease.

Mal should kick Jayne into the engines but he comes back fine in the next sentence. Simon just gave him some painkillers is all. Painkillers and hot infirmary backdoor lovin'.

MINCINGBEAST

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 11:08 PM

Quote:
Originally posted by Bytemite:
Also, for the fic: Jayne fires bullets contaminated with venereal disease.

You... don't want to know.

Also, all characters should be redescribed in detail every few paragraphs or so, with inconsistent outfits and adjectives. However, what consistency there is should be completely ridiculous, like an insistence that Jayne has "limpid/soulful periwinkle eyes."

Much crying should be done about his tragic disease.

Mal should kick Jayne into the engines but he comes back fine in the next sentence. Simon just gave him some painkillers is all. Painkillers and hot infirmary backdoor lovin'.

You are wrong.

Jayne has space aids and a knife, not clap bullets. There is no cure for space aids. The crew initially attributes Jayne's illness to his fondness for whores, but when Book later develops symptoms too, questions arise. And boners, too, but that's Mal.

But anyway, Jayne has space aids, and takes to licking the blade of his knife in battle, getting hella space aids on the blade.

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