What I Say, As Opposed To What I Think 2
Monday, April 11, 2005

You know the drill!

At Work:
My Boss: "Where you been?"
Me: (Quick! Think up a lie and say anything besides at the mall) "At the bank."

At Home:
Random Husband of One of My Wife's Friend: "What this?"
Me: (Not this shit again!) "Firefly."
Random Husband: "What's that?"
Me: (The best goddamn show EVER) "Its complicated."

In The Restroom:
Random Person: "Phew! It stinks in here."
Me: (What did you want? The smells of a bakery. Its a lavatory!) "..."
(I don't make it a habit of speaking to people in the bathroom)

At Home Depot:
Paint Salesperson: "So, what are you going to do with this?"
Me: (Drink it, like right now.) "Umm..paint the living room."

At Red Lobster:
Waitress: "Where on earth did your kids get that color hair?"
Me: (Like I haven't answered this six thousand times. What do you expect me to say, these aren't my kids?) "My mother, my grandfather, and my uncle are redheads."

On The Phone:
Telemarketer: "Your last name is Barks? What, like a dog?"
Me: (Nope) ---dial tone---

At Home Again After Putting in a DVD:
My Wife: What's this?
Me: (What? You can't wait ten seconds to see for yourself?) "What? You can't wait ten seconds to see for yourself?"

At Home With My Daughter:
DaughterWithPez: "I wasn't talkin' to you, Daddy, I was talkin' to Mommy?"
Me: (With any luck, this relationship will continue well into your adolescence) "Go to bed."

At Home With My Son:
Lil'ManWithPez: -very loudly in front of company- "My FARTED DADDY!"
Me: (Oh, I'm so proud of you!!!) "Actually, son, that was me."

See, no one escapes the daily sarcasm. To be honest though, I wonder sometimes what my wife and children are thinking before they answer me sometimes. Then, I come to my senses.


Tuesday, April 12, 2005 5:54 AM


Once again, your blog has been a ray of light in an otherwise bleary work day. Thanks for the pick me up.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 1:31 AM


I sure don't, but man, would that be cool. If you'd like to read more of stuff like this, I have a couple of things posted up on
But, I warn you, they suck!

Monday, April 11, 2005 8:21 AM


Funny. Do you write for a livin'?


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