MANWITHPEZ'S BLOG

manwithpez

What I Think As Opposed To What I Say 3 (Blast From The Past)
Thursday, April 21, 2005

In three different passing conversations with my mother:

Three days after I had sex for the first time:
MomWithPez(Where do you think I picked up the habit?): Bryan, are you...umm...sexually active?

Me: (You gotta be kidding me, 17 years old, and she just asks me this now!?!) YES!!!

Three days after I got drunk for the first time:
MomWithPez: Bryan, have you been drinking?

Me: (You're lucky I'm not drunk right now! How does she know? 20 years old and she only asks me this now?) Yes...and I'm a little hungover, so keep it down.

Three days after I smoked for the first time:
MomWithPez: Bryan, have you been smoking?

Me: (It's beyond scary now! At 21 years old, I should be able to develop some vices if I want to.) No.

With my father:
SeniorMasterSergeantDad: Son, are you on drugs? Are you gay? Is that your problem?

Me: (Wow, its always great when your parents are proud of you!) No and no. Umm, offhand, what kind of problem are you talking about?

SeniorMasterSergeantDad: Well, your hair...

Me: (Of course, nothing signals that your a strung out homosexual like bad hair.)Answer's still no. Have you talked to Grandma lately?

In Basic Training:
T.I. CHIPS: This is the stupidest flight I ever trained, and you, Barks, are the stupidest airman I've ever trained!

Me: (In retrospect, sir, we are not well met. In civilian life, many people find me pleasant, intelligent, even charming. I see that we don't have much in common, you being a screaming Nazi, and me being an 18 year old, but surely, at some point in our lives, we can put these differences aside and become peers, if not friends.) Yes SIR!

At my first job:
TechSergeantFartHead: Barks, you aren't very professional, are you?

Me: (Not professional? I'm not the one who just unsuccessfully tried to cover the sound of flatulence with a squeaky door hinge.) I can be at times, sir.

On dating:
RandomGirl: Sure, I'll go out with you.

Me: (Hold out faith. Maybe this one will ACTUALLY go out with you instead of saying "I forgot", and then turn up at the same party you go to that night) Yeah...right.

First Wife:
FirstWife: I can't believe you'd go through my things.

Me: (Is it just me, or is my crime slightly overshadowed by the fact that I just discovered that you are sleeping with some Navy guy in Texas) I can't believe you'd bang some squid!

One of my brothers:
LittleBastard: Locked you out! Whatchya going to do now!

Me: (I can't believe you just locked me out of the house because you wanted a turn on the Nintendo!) "..."
(There wasn't much to say after I punched in a window, and for one of the few times in our lives, actually won a fight with my little brother.)

COMMENTS

Thursday, April 21, 2005 9:52 AM

ODDNESS2HER


Wow! Your mom's psychic, only 3 days later.

Thursday, April 21, 2005 8:16 AM

MANWITHPEZ


That's right, TWG...deny your feelings no longer and kiss your monitor! But, I kid...I'm sure in the flesh, I would be a vast disappointment.

Chosen1...Thank you very much, I enjoy that you enjoy these posts!

Thursday, April 21, 2005 8:06 AM

THATWEIRDGIRL


Moms are psychic. Dads are not psychic: they've just done all the stupid things and therefore know what you are planning to do or what you’ve already done.

I was the typical stupid 20-year-old, engaged to a jerk, and temporarily living at my folks’ place. Having just unlocked the front door:
ThatWeirdGirlsDad: Did you bring doughnuts?
Me: (I’m so freakin tired, why is my dad sitting by the front door lacing up his combat boots?) Huh?
ThatWeirdGirlsDad: It’s 5 AM, you’ve just gone out for doughnuts.
Me: (You know I don’t like doughnuts. You know I was out all night with Peter. You don’t like knowing I was out all night with Peter.) Eh, I was watching Riverdance.

On ManWithPez:
MWP: I wear glasses, you know…
Me: (There’s so many smart, eloquent, snarky men on this site…I can’t deny my feelings any longer! But what about Jake? Who? You know that guy that you’ve spent the last five years loving. Oh, him, right.) That’s nice.

Thursday, April 21, 2005 7:05 AM

CHOSEN1


Manwithpez: (see above)

Me: (this guy is really funny, not a bad way to pass a few minutes)
Hey you're really funny, this wasn't a bad way to spend a few minutes. Keep'em coming.


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