Lunacy by Capella

CAPELLA'S BLOG

Capella

Lunacy
Tuesday, February 14, 2006

This is going to be a rather long and personal log entry. I just have to get some things out of my system. You are really welcome to read (and comment, of course), but don't say I did not warn you

Do you know the Angel ep where they have a sesitivity training at the police department and go all emotional (I think the ep title is "Sense and Sesitivity")? It was a little bit like that at work today (minus the training part). Everyone was just venting over something or yelling at someone else. And I sat at my PC screen on the verge of tears all day (more on that later). I really could not figure out a reason, until the thought came to me that, hey, maybe we have a full moon? And then when I just got home from work, there she was, staring me in the face, all big and round and satisfied with herself, laughing at me. Luna can be a real bitch sometimes.

My life is a little Whedonesque at the moment. I am having relationship issues. Well, actually it is just one relationship issue and the issue is more or less that I don't have a relationship. That's something I share with roughly estimated a fourth of the human race, so it isn't half bad and I should be able to live with it by now (my last steady relationship ended 8 years ago and there weren't many unsteady ones in between either) At that time I fell in love with a man who did not return my feelings. That hurt, of course, rejection always does, but I got over it (or so I thought) and we became friends. Good friends. Close friends. Soulmates even. We really developed a brother/sister like relationship, we had so much in common it sometimes was almost scary. We are both pretty smart (the "gifted is the term" variant of smart), but were underachievers in school and especially at university, dropping out of our academic careers at almost the same time, found work at the same company, we both seemed unable to get a steady relationship on the way, we spent vacations together, wild ones, too, we shared a tent and a bunk on a sailing vessel more than once, we were rope partners when rock climbing. We are close, as close as you can get without starting a sexual relationship, but never would even as much as a kiss pass between us. He was the one who drove me to the hospital when I sprained my ankle, he fed my chicken broth when I was sick and he was the one I could call when I needed a strong man to help me redecorating my apartment. He depended on me to help him with his resume for a new job, he asked for advice on dating women. We talked on the phone for hours, we exchanged up to 20 emails a day. We were close. We needed each other in the way you need someone when you are single and still want to share your life with someone.

Half a year agon he fell in love with another woman, the right one, this time, as far as I can tell. He is as happy as can be, they moved in together after only three month and they are going to get married in two weeks. I am sure that he would say that his feelings for me have not changed, but he just does not need me anymore. And for that reason I cannot keep calling him and depending on him the way I did all the years before. I feel like I am losing my best friend. I really do. And it hurts just so much. I hate myself for this, acutally. I don't want to need anyone, I want to be in control of my life and the last thing I want is to go all weepy about a man who does not even love me back (because as much as I want to blame it on the best-friend-no-longer-there part, I am afraid that this is what it is all about, still. He rejected me and marries someone else). I know it is time to just let go and be happy for him. I just can't. I am not Julia Roberts. I can't go to his wedding party and wish him luck on his way (and I don't have a gay friend who would show up and dance with me instead, either ... goodness, I even watched this stupid movie with him once). I know I would break down and cry as soon as the ceremony starts and I would probably be the one waving and screaming at the "if anyone here knows a reason..." part. I told him I will not attend. He is disappointed, which I do understand and which makes me feel very bad again since I should be a better friend and just be able to hide my feelings better. I wish I had never met him then it would not hurt so much now.

(Gaaahhhhh!!!! and in exactly this moment MisterUniverse is playing the theme from Lovestory in the Browncoat Radio ... as if I had not been crying enough already)

So, I guess that is the reason that I am so addicted to Joss Whedon's series (what's the plural of series? seriesses?) at the moment. There are so many tragic relationships in it and people with unfullfilled loves, and it is just so nice that it is not me suffering from it for a change... Oh okay, I will stop to wade in self pity here. If you really stayed with me up to here, wow, thanks for listening ... reading ... whatever. Normally I am a pretty positive person and embrace life. Just not today. Today I plan to get stupidly drunk (which could be difficult, considering that I have just two bottles of beer to accomplish this) and watch Buffy Season 3 (since I could not get Season 1 or 2 and needed another Joss Whedon fix so badly)

COMMENTS

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 3:15 PM

JESHIKAT

Capella... just like I promised on the other blog - I wanna thank you for your happy words :)
I also hope that you are feeling a little better...

Keep on smiling hun!!!
Jesh

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 2:03 PM

JESHIKAT

Oh Capella - I really feel for you buddy!!! I will light a candle for you tonight (just me saying thanks for your little msg to moi) and just to show I care I will also get sloshed for you too :)
I know this sounds... well lame and mumsy but you honestly don't want to wish away that part of your life - my motto in life it (as much as it hurts) you should never regret ANYTHING...

I hope it gets easier for you & I'm always here for ya :)

Love
Jesh
xXxXx

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 9:30 AM

FOLLOWMAL

Capella, the only thing I can say is that we all have heartache and that all love is worth it. It doesn't seem so, and it hurts awfully but it is worth it. And time will go by and you will heal about this.

The only other thing I can do is send you a *hug*.

And know that here among fellow Browncoats you are always cared for.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 8:55 AM

NUCLEARDAY

Aww, that ain't such a long post. I've written much longer posts by far. (And most of it drivel :) Kinda cathartic, though ain't it? Don't worry everyone has their bad days, the 'positive' people just don't show it as much. :P

Have yet to see a relationship of any sort that wasn't full of it's share of twists and turns, even the good ones. And I know how you feel about losing friends due to their love life. You should feel happy for them and all that, but the fact is there's another person in the mix that's hogging up all the time you'd usually be spending together. I've had plenty of variations on that theme... I'd bet most have.

Anyways, couldn't be so heartless as to read through your post without sending a wave. Know that you're among friends, here, of a sort. Have a good drunk and try to remember that even the not-so-good times have to end eventually. ;p

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