Story by SliceandDice

SLICEANDDICE'S BLOG

SliceandDice

Story
Thursday, September 28, 2006

While checking my e-mails, i was insprited to write my 'Comeing to terms' story, about me being gay. And since it was very emotionalfor me and some people want to read who wherent on the youthguard e-mail list. So here it is...

I was never 'normal', but i always, and still do, believed in god and went to church even though it bored me. When i was like 11 (pointing out i hit puberity early and was full height, a C cup by then) I was the perfect guy friend, i was dirty half the time, into sports, sci-fi, smart, and even dressed more like a guy (except for the shoulder length horrible curlly hair i grew then, i went back to my moms pixie cuts and then started getting my hair buzzed in the back) and i started looking at girls. It didnt seem weird to me. Half the girls i knew went through 'i have a crush on whats-her-name' phases, hell kissing each other was a favorite pass time, and then I grew up, and they stoped having those crushes and i didnt. And it still didnt register as different. Then i discovered Nancy Garden and it hit me, I didnt want a husband, i want to be married, to have children, I wanted to be a better mixture of my parents, But i was with another women in every one of my fantasys. In fact we had this project in church once where we had to write what we thought we would be like when where 30, and right away popped in to my mind was me driving with my daughters and sons to church and a woman sitting next to me, in love with me, me in love with her. I of course didnt write that i wrote her as a man, because it didnt seem right to be thinking of a woman. When i was 14 i started falling, become depressed, hating myself, and at 15 i was still depressed but i was willing to admit i was attracted to women but not that i was gay. When i changed schools, got out of the perfect linage rutt, away from my gay friends, my straight friends, my family members.... I took a good hard look at myself and i knew it... I knew that under the scars where i had taken out my hate and frustaition on myself, my unhealthy need to over eat, I WAS GAY, and what surprised me was, i was at peace. I loved myself suddenly. Though that didnt cure everything, By that time i had had one bad boyfriend (tryed to push me into sex, so freaking happy i resisted) one girl(wouldn't say girlfriend more like sex buddy) and i still cut. i became more and more comfortable with myself and really found myself content... and then i meet Eric. And i feel in love, and i learned somethign about myself... The merr thought of sex with a man pushed me in to a panic and being actually involved in anything relating to sex brought on a panic attack. Despite all the bad that came from it, Eric was a good thing. He stopped my cutting, i mutured more, and i realised that being gay didnt mean i would only find women attractive (point in place my unnatural attraction to anthony stewert head... omg wow...). But he was about 4 yeard older than me, and an alcoholic, and he litterly left me, just one day up and left me with out another word, and crushed me. and well... me just going on, no friends... no personal life... and then, serenity came out, and i discovered other browncoats.... and i felt like a belonged, because not only did they not care that i was gay ( i was very open and up front with that because im a terrible flirt, i flirt with just about everyone with out noticing, and i have wound up in bad places with guys because of it and be being out to them makes it easier) and through them I meet Elizabeth. She breaks my heart and makes me feel ... fixed. She is my.. me.. too young for me so i have strict rules... and we still have things to fight about... but I love her... I love her so much. And even if we dont have a future because she doesnt want the one thing i would be willing to complete loose my family for, thats a wonder place to be, thats a wonderful thing to feel.... and god for the first time since i was 8 and i was babtized and got my special scriptutes, I feel like a real human being, and i am happy and i am content. I still have some things to work out with god, or the gods if there is more than one, but i now have less things to work out with myself. =^_^=

COMMENTS

Sunday, October 1, 2006 5:59 PM

BLAZESOLO

I love ya just as ya are!!!! Stay Shiny and I'm glad ya can be YOU!!!!

Thursday, September 28, 2006 8:58 AM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER

Wow...that's an amazing tale you got there, SliceandDice! Definitely glad you're in a happy/happier place now compared to earlier in your life:)

BEB

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