FIDDLER'S BLOG

Fiddler

Toilet from HELL, Secession from HELL, Ex girlfriend from HELL. HELL I TELL YA!! HELL!!!
Tuesday, December 12, 2006

So... true story. The water was cut off today, and I forgot and flushed the toilet after peeing and it roared. First it gurgled and spit, then in what sounded like Latin but could have been Greek, began to curse me and threaten to devour my children. I'm also pretty sure it said it wanted a Popsicle. It then began to meow violently and roar and cough, then clear it's throat. Understandably I was somewhat concerned because my toilet neither has a throat nor does it speak Latin or Greek (as it was made in Taiwan). Further more, I have no children.

I'm not sure at what point I discovered it was possessed by Lucifer's legion, perhaps it was the chill in the air, or the random objects flying at me, but I know I was certain of the fact when it threatened to devour my soul... in French. Now the French have done some unforgivable things in the past but this was understandably unsettling. Needless to say I shan't be shitting anytime soon.

A friend recommended that i recite the following every time I go to the bathroom, followed by the Lord's prayer. "And shepherds we shall be for Thee, my Lord, for Thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand.
That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee,
and teeming with souls shall it ever be.
- In nomine Patris - Et Filii
Et Spiritus Sancti."

I'm pretty sure that's from the boondock saints, and it won't work, so I've taken to using the bathroom downstairs. In other news I am mobilizing Texas Browncoats to force a secession from the union and the creation of a free Independent Texas Republic. I doubt it will work, but I'm kinda banking on a few free beers, some laughs, and a few party favors from Buddha/Santa. Notably a Rocket, a Pony, a Laptop, and a really cool Battle Scar with which to entice beautiful women as I regale them with tales of my heroics. Yes I said it. Heroics. Further more, I am submitting that the Alamo be renames, Serenity Valley because... well, because, I'm not exactly sure why we want to remember the Alamo.

And another thing. My Ex is going about dragging my name, and a good name it is at that, through the mud. You know why we fell out? (Trust me, I couldn't make this up) She asked me if she was prettier than River, Kaylee, and Inara. I told her to shut her blasphemous mouth immediately. Our Lord the captain might hear. Then she called me retarded because during a race, deciding it would be better to outrun the cops since I didn't think they had seen us, and they were after someone else, I initiated it by saying, "what are we waiting for? let's be bad guys." So now she's telling everyone lies about me. A lot of them untrue, unpleasing, and did I mention lies? Meaghan.Bloody.Court. She is a plague. Okay this whole post was completely random. Sorry for wasting your time. Cheers.

COMMENTS

Tuesday, December 12, 2006 5:51 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Wow...and I thought only Lay-Z-Boys could get demonically possessed!

;)

And like the good lady said, ignore the treacherous jien hwo...those who know you will see she is spreading lies and telling falsehoods. Also, she'll actually be deserving of the eventual bonfire execution;D

BEB

Tuesday, December 12, 2006 9:44 AM

MSG


Hey I didn't find it a waste of time. It's the best thing I'ver read all day and it made me smile. Thanks so much and don't listen to the skanky ho's lies anyway!!! HUGS and hang in there ...do let usknow if oyu need us to get a contingent together and come shave your ex bald and drag her through the streets by her eyebrows...also as for the demonic toilet...go ask a priest to bless a nice 10 gallon container and make your own holy water bidet:)


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