Emotions? Where did those come from?
Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Maybe if I write this out, it'll help me to sort it out. You guys always seem to have something useful to add, or thoughtful observations that add insight.

I had my boys this weekend because Ami had to go down to Florida. Her grandmother, who had a stroke a little more'n a year ago, pulled her feeding tube out, and her aunt decided not to replace it, so basically they are letting her starve/dehydrate to death. It was a very sudden trip, and it caused me to cancel my plans to go to Gainesville, Florida to a Shindig a fellow Browncoat was having. I really wasn't upset about the cancellation, well, only a little, but certainly not upset at her for it.

She got back last night. I had to take the boys to her friend Susan's house night before last so I could come to work tomorrow, and then I got them afterwards and we played all afternoon. Forsome reason there was a palpable tension between us, and we began by snipping at each other. It got worse, until I had to get up and go outside for a smoke. We continued to talk, which included me being the selfish abusive a$$hole I was that drove her away. Instead of just shutting my mouth, I let it keep going, and ended up saying some very hurtful things.

This is how it was for a long time when she still lived with me. This is the reason I now live alone, and the reason I only get to see my kids on the weekends. The issue I am having with the whole thing follows:

For some weird reason, I still want some sort of relationship to work out with her. I don't feel that we ever got to grow a friendship, as it seemed to me that we were a couple or more from the day we met. We are so very different, which is another reason we didn't really have success. We had a good long talk on Saturday morning when I was getting the kids from her (and we were trying to get Zachary's fever to break, it was bad), and even talked about her moving back and us being roommates, with her working the second job and me stopping working at Ruby Tuesday.

Why do I feel perfectly ok that we are split up when I am sitting home lonely almost every day of the week, but when I see her I want to make something work? Honestly, it would be good for money's sake, and for having the kids home where I could see them every day, but when I really think about it, I don't want her to come back because of any feelings I have for her. Yes, I still love her, but am no longer 'in love' with her. I care about her well-being. Contrariwise, I can see myself completely falling for her again.

What the hell is wrong with me?

~jimi/RIMG/SFC Alexander


Tuesday, March 13, 2007 8:17 AM


Hmmm...this definitely poses a problem, mainly for the kids. You got feelings for the ex and you CAN interact with her without getting all POed at one another, but there was something that just set you off this time (and others, from the sounds of it). New beau or marked interest in dating again from your ex, perhaps?

And like others have mentioned - you can PM me or anybody else here, I suspect to discuss your perception of "abusive" - abusive could mean a lot of things. Did you lay out massive insults to her, or threaten to hit her? Did you make snide comments about decisions and ideas she voiced? Regardless of what, I really think talking with a professional about your feelings would be mighty beneficial, if only for the little ones.

Really, I don't know if I can offer any truly sound advice. Last time I had anything resembling a relationship, it tanked violently and we still can't speak to one another because of animosity mixed with affection. I would still go to extreme lengths for her and would get down on bended knee for a second chance to build something with her before trying to be more than just friends...but I doubt that will happen less some changes are made in how we interact with one another:(


Tuesday, March 13, 2007 7:25 AM


Yeti...I'm only here for a minute catching up.
I'll email you later... You know I've got bunches to say on this one...Hugs.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 6:58 AM


Not a gorram thing wrong with that bud. I'll be getiing back with you soon on this.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 5:41 AM


And I'll second that email me thing - I'm happy to be an internet ear! I understand the being-a-jerk thing, I've certainly done that in my time!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 4:53 AM


I think when you have a past with someone and that past includes many wonderful memories, there's always the ghost of the relationship there making you see how it was and ( in your head) how it could be.
Here's my question...describe what you mean when you say abusive asshole. What does that look like? Are you calling her names, yelling, threatening, hitting, ect.?? or are you just disagreeing and angry? It's hard to know what each person means by that. You say you drove her away, but how? She has part of this too, does she recognize your trigger and try to avoid it or does she keep pushing your button even though she can see it's not productive and making you angry. I'm not saying it's ever right to yell or be hurtful, just that people sometimes make a nasty merry go round be continuing to do the things that started the problem in the first place. If you really want to work it out to at least friends, I'd actually take a communication class together. Your local community ed ( run through your local school district) likely has parenting and relationship classes to help you. You can usually find them by going on your local school district's website. It might help you to both take an active part in trying to find a way to communicate so you don't end up in this endless chase of provoking and reacting that makes you both so frustrated and unhappy. I know this is mega long, but if you need me, email me !!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 4:38 AM


Sorry, that came out a little harsh. I still mean everything I wrote...just take it not as harsh.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007 4:04 AM


Don't take this in any way other than as a straight forward in your face I am your friend so I'm gonna say "What the hell are you doing speaking to your former wife / the mother of your children in that manner?"

You are not giving her the respect and kindness you would show a complete stranger off the street.

As a man born and raised in the South, I would expect that your mother did not raise you to treat women this way.

You claim you might want a relationship with her...but you are an abusive a**hole to her?

Love you bunches, jimibear...but regardless of what she says to you, you should NEVER respond in a way that looking back at the conversation makes you cringe.

Mental hug honeybun. You got a lotta thinking to do. Moving back in has its pros and cons. I don't know what I'd do in your situation.

And I didn't write this to be mean. I hope you know that. You wrote that it was partly your behavior that drove her away. Now that you've acknowledged it...isn't it about time for things to change? ((hug))

Tuesday, March 13, 2007 4:01 AM


Eeek! I have no relationship advice - that ain't my forte! But I'd say there's absolutely nothing *wrong* with you for wanting to be with someone you care about. Who doesn't want that? I had a break-up in Jan and I'd know I'd be having the same problem if I saw him again, which is why I'm keeping my distance. Of course, we have no kids involved...

The saying-hurtful-things is the part that's scary. It's damaging the relationship - and you! Really, you're obviously not a mean guy, and it bothers you when this happens. My guess is that if you want a chance at a strong, stable relationship with your ex or anyone else, you need to deal with whatever brings out that side of you.

Just my .02! And it comes with a big big



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