A Mother's Love or The Death Of My Writeres Block Pt. 2 by SliceandDice

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SliceandDice

A Mother's Love or The Death Of My Writeres Block Pt. 2
Sunday, May 27, 2007

Sigh... Of course it is being difficult.... ok spilt the story time...

I beat my writers block have fun.
This is part two. Read part one first.
Cont.ed
“How can you say that? I am everything you had a chance to teach me and more. I am strong and confident, but soft and caring. I have a career and a life and soon a family. It was hard without you, but I made it through in one piece. How can you look at me with such hate and call your grand child a blasphemy.”
The angry look in her eyes waivers. For a moment I think she forgives. For a moment I think she realized her mistakes. For a moment I think I have the love of my mother back.
“Roz!!!! Wake up!!! Please baby.” Adiana’s voice cuts through the plane, trying to draw me home. But I can’t go to her. I can’t go to her because my mother is keeping me here.
“That’s why. This -that- isn’t what you where suppose to be. You where suppose to have it all; a life, a career, a family but most of all a husband. A husband, Rosalind, not some dyke slut. You where suppose to be normal. That’s why I can say that, because it’s the truth. You took all I gave you I had and more, I died rushing home to be there in the morning for you. I can say that, and I can punish you because of the wrong you’ve done. Its time for me to erase my mistake, before you can bring another to the world.” She wraps her hands around my neck and starts squeezing, start suffocating me.
I can’t think, I can’t compute. My mother hates me because I was true to myself, because I loved and made a life with my soul mate. My mother was trying to kill me. Kill me for no other reason than whom I turned out to be. And not only was she going to kill me, she was going to kill my child; she was going to kill her grandchild. This why I got sick when I wore the cross. Because she was punishing me for what she thought I did wrong. My mother was trying to crush the last bit of life’s breath from my throat, and let that be my last memory of her.
“Roz,” Adiana’s voice is there again, sounding strained and stained with tears. Like she’s mourning already, mourning us both, our child and me. “Please, not now. Come back to me baby. Please, please. I don’t want to lose you. I don’t – I don’t want to be without you.” She’s begging me to stay and I know I can’t leave her with out a fight. I shove my mother back and fall to the ground, gasping for breath. I feel the air, the life, fill my lungs again, and focus on my mother again.
“Is that how it works.” I cough and sputter but stand up to face her. “You get decide I deserve your love only if I am a certain way?”
I summon all my strength and stand straight, looking my once loved mother dead in the eye. I let my strength and anger call the moves. Anything else would be a burden and easily a defeat. And I can’t give up.
“You know, a part of me can understand why you hate me, but nothing can justify hating this child, for hating your grandchild. What ever it is that made you hate me I did. Me, mom, and no one else. I am the one who is gay, I am the one who fell in love with a woman, and I am the one who didn’t fulfill your envisioned future. And if you have decided because of all this I don’t deserve your love, but only your hate and anger and rage, fine! But this child has done nothing wrong, and deserves the right to live. She deserves the right to see how far her mother’s love will extend. Just like I did.”
"And why should I do that, when I don't even believe you deserved it."
I am speechless for a moment and my anger boils over. I grab the cross around my neck and hold it up for her to see. "I kept and wore this cross to feel your love and presence in my life, because I didn't have it directly in my life. I had to grow up without you in it." Then it hit me. Why she was really mad.
"You only hold a small portion of the responsibility for how I grew up, because you had no direct influence on most of the stuff I did with my life. You where there for my first kiss, my first love, my graduations or even there when I found my true love. And that must really piss you off, doesn't it. But because you had no influence do you deserve to pass judgement and punishment on me. You have no right to deside what is best for me. Not anymore, mother, not ever."
"I think I have every right-"
"I don't care mother. For the longest time I dotted on you, worshiped you, because you were my greatest idol. But now no more." I griped the cross tighter in my hand, and stare back at the hatred that stood before me. "You deserve no more from me." With a tug the chain holding the cross around my neck gave way with a snap.
With a tug I felt my self pull away from my mother. With a tug the white plain around me disappeared. With a tug, I was finally brought back to Adiana.
Suddenly, it felt, I was in a hospital room. Machines beeped all around me, tubes in my arm, and a doctor standing above me with a broken chain in her hand looking surprised. I could hear Adiana, arguing with a nurse, who was trying to get her out of the room so they could work on me. I didn't want her to leave, I need to be reassured I was still there, that I still had her. So I called out. "A-Adiana"
Within seconds she was by my side, crying, babbling on and on about how she thought she lost me. I tried to stop her, calm her down, but i was so tired and my voice so raw that I couldn't. The doctor stopped the tidal wave of emotion.
"Rosalind? Rosalind, I'm Doctor Constance Miller. You've lost a lot of blood, but your BP and pulse have stabilized. You look like your going to be fine, but you are still in labor" Like the constant pains wheren't clue enough "We don't know what caused this episode or what is wrong with you yet, so for your safety and your baby's I believe we need to do an emergency C-section."
I agreed and signed what every they wanted, worn out from my metaphysical battle. The quickly wheeled me out of the room and into another and preped me for the procedure. Adiana refused to leave me for a second, barely getting out of the way for lines to be checked. She held my hand the whole time, and whispered into my ear how much she loved me and how she was so afraid to lose me. I was still so tired, and my voice was still raw so I said what i felt was the most important thing I could tell her.
"Adiana... I love you and I regret nothing. I... would fight... to keep you."
The screams of our child sounded out, preventing Adiana from replying. A girl, my first daughter.
Days later, as I recovered the doctors told me what they thought was wrong.
"A blood clotting problem or hypertension. We can't tell for sure, but it seems like you won't have to worry about it anymore. But we still want you to come in for regular check ups for a while. And if you feel dizzy or have unusual headaches, call 911 right away."
I agreed, even though I knew it wouldn't happen again.
The night before we left the hospital, my daughter and I, I pulled out the baggy that contained the jewelry that I was wearing when I came in. I held the cross in my hands. The cross I had loved for so many years, The cross that held a hundred memories. The cross that I thought held the love of my mother, and I cried for the loss of it.
I decided right then and there I wasn't going to let it change me, my experience with my mother, because it didn't change what had happened before. But I would let it change one thing.
I would teach my daughter to be more than what I expect of her. To fight for who she is with every breath in her body. I would teach her that we are all human and should be treated so, because while we may do wrong, we can all do good. And I will teach her, with every last breath in my body, the true meaning of a mothers love. To love with out obligations and expectations.
The next day we went home to start our new lives and our family right. All three of us, Me, Adiana, and baby Rosalind.

COMMENTS

Sunday, May 27, 2007 2:03 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER

Damn....this was some "Whoa!" inducing work here, Slice.

Definitely don't know how to convey the level of brilliance this story deserves...it's a very powerful tale with an important message that I think everyone should take heed of;)

BEB

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