Well, there's nothing I can do!!!
Thursday, June 7, 2007

As soon as I even mention the car my parents set up for me, and the fact that they wasted $10,000 dollars to buy it and get it fixed up for me, and the fact that I'M not driving it, they shut down and shut me out! Your little brother needs it to go to school and go visit with friends they say. WHAT ABOUT ME, I spent TWO YEARS trying to get my license, only, for the first ten months I DIDN'T HAVE A CAR! What about what I need? I NEEED to get out of the house, I NEED my CAR, to get out of the house, I NEED EVERYTHING they handed over to my little brother that should have been MINE!

I hate getting stepped on, but even more, I hate being IGNORED by my family!

P.S. I'm getting REALLY frickin' sick of writing these kinds of blogs!


Thursday, June 7, 2007 8:30 PM


It definitely seems like a frustrating situation, and I totally understand your need to vent. But it helps to keep in mind, your building anger and resentment about the car usage is not going to help you get what you want. Most likely, it will make you more miserable than if there had never been a car at all, and more tragically, it could permanently mar the nature of your relationship with your brother for the rest of your lives.

As a parent of a child with multiple disabilities, I am constantly trying to balance the needs of all of my children, without creating injustices and resentments between them. But there are some things that are just going to be imperfect. Like any parent, I try to do the best that I can for the family overall, while keeping in mind each individual's specific needs. I'm sure your parents are striving to do the same.

I get the catch-22 nature of your problem - that you haven't had enough practice driving to feel comfortable doing it on your own. That puts you at a disadvantage because you can't solve the problem of your brother's need to get to school by offering to drop him off and pick him up. But I also see your parents' perspective: there is a perfectly good car, and your brother is comfortable driving on his own. It doesn't make sense for him/them to pay for the hassle of public transport when there's a perfectly good car and driver right there. What you really need to do is figure out how to make your needs coincide with your parents' needs.

It seems the best way to do that is just to really focus on getting comfortable driving - every moment that you have the car at your disposal - use it! Once you've gained that competency, you'll have a much stronger case for getting more equal usage. As it is now, I assume you need to ride with one of your parents in order to gain the experience you need. But that makes your driving an extra burden on them, taking time away from whatever else they need to be doing, while your brother's use of the car actually frees up their time. His driving is a convenience to them; your driving is an obligation for them. Ideally I'm sure they'd like to give you the time to reach that comfort level on the road, but I can also see how getting caught up in the day-to-day demands makes it easier for them to let your brother use it. That is only going to change once you've reached your goal of comfortable independence on the road, and you'll only get that by going out and doing it at every opportunity.

In the meantime, it may bring you some peace to take a step back and remember your appreciation of the fact that your parents equipped a car for you to be able to use at all. That shows they at least recognize the importance of your out-of-the house independence, and have taken the expense to make it possible, even if not exclusively yours.

I'm not saying your negative feelings aren't real or valid. I'm just saying they are not particularly helpful, and quite possibly harmful to all of your family relationships. You have the ability to choose how you will deal with these kinds of conflicts of interest... by not getting angry, by finding ways that you can help meet your own and your family's common needs. Having access to a vehicle at all enriches your life, and it seems such a pity that it has brought you so much grief.

Best wishes, and safe driving!

Thursday, June 7, 2007 12:49 PM


(ok, so i grok that theres a back story here which i don't know about cause i haven't read any of your other blogs, but im just gonna go ahead and throw my 2c with the info i've got)

my advise: write a letter. '
yeah, i know, it sounds really lame, especially when the person your writing it to lives in the same house. BUT:
1) a letter lets them know that this is something that seriously bothers you, enough that you took the time to sit down and write a letter
2)it's easier to be patient with a letter, rather then an obviously upset and possibly yelling person.
3) it gives you a chance to think through what you want to say, instead of just speaking out of anger and frustration; this might make you more coherent, and you might find yourself able to word your arguements better.
4) this way you can say you tried, in a very legitimate manner, to express your feelings to them, and if it still doesn't take, or is completely ignored, you've got even more grounds for complaint.


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