NRKANGEL'S BLOG

nRkangel

If Given the Choice Between Destiny or Random Chance, What Would You Choose?
Friday, September 3, 2004

27 days left...

So I make my way to the coffee machine this morning and one of the ladies I work with asks me point blank if I'm leaving. I tell her, "Yes, the end of the month is my last day." She was shocked but said she knew something was up when our office manager (Mr.X) asked me what my future plans were at our last luncheon. (We have these any time we lose or gain an employee. By the end of the year, we'll be at a -5 on the gain/loss ratio... Makes me wonder where the jobs reports on the news are really coming from.)

My co-worker then confided in me that she was becoming unhappy with this place and wished she could leave, too. Unfortunately she has a husband and two kids so can't really leave unless or until she finds something else, first. (Is it me or is everyone secretly unhappy with their jobs/lives/other?? LOL!)

-0-

I had dinner last night again with friends. One guy's wife was a little shaken up by a small accident that happened when she brought their new car into the dealership for work. Apparently one of the dealership employees ran into my friend's car just as it was being picked up! Good news is that no one was hurt and the damage is cosmetic. Bad news is that the car is only 2 weeks old! (Of course the dealership is paying for all repairs and gave them a loaner, but what a way to "break" in a new car! I felt so bad for her because you could see she was still shaken up about it.)

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Last night I also discovered something interesting that I hadn't really noticed before. My relationship with my friends up here has entered a weirdly strained phase. Voices get flat and they'll swap looks with each other when anything relating to my future, hopeful profession comes up in conversation. I don't want to bore anyone, so I avoid the topic unless directly asked. The weird part is that when they do ask about our progress, it feels like they don't really want to hear the answers.

I remember my parents would get like this sometimes when I was doing something they didn't approve of. They'd ask a question and listen non-comittally, looking at me sideways as if to say, "You're making bad choices, but I'm not going to interfere because you need to learn these things on your own..."

It makes me feel like the crackpot "inventor" relative, whose plans invariably go up in smoke while everyone looks on just shaking their heads saying "I knew that was going to happen."

Could it be that my friends just aren't happy for me? That's an odd thing to say, and I'm probably off the mark, but it's there nonetheless. The worst part is, the nonchalance and disinterested nodding really kind of hurt. Still, it's helpful in a way because it makes me even more determined to see this thing through.

Wow... too heavy for a Friday.

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Today I booked my flight for Montreal. I leave Monday at 6am. (Flying on a holiday is going to suck, but I'm travelling one last time on the company's nickle, so how bad can that be? I'll just have to bring scriptwork along with me and remember to take pictures this time so I can remember where I've been. (I'm not a picture-taking kind of person. I've always found that strange considering my affinity for travel and enjoyment of interesting places and interesting moments.)

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When Rod and I were up at the cabin, we asked ourselves the question about fate, luck and destiny. Both of us have known growing up that we wanted to do something creative with our lives but got sidetracked by life. So the question is, was it just luck or happy coincidence that brought us here, or did fate put this rabbit hole in front of us a long time ago? (You can think like that when it's late at night in the mountains.)

One way to look at is is that it was blind luck. Neither one of us was looking for any of this to happen. Only luck could explain how so many random events could line up the right way. Of course then there's the thought that it was inevitable that we'd get to where we are now, but we needed to travel down our respective paths in order to be ready for the opportunity when it occurred.

Either way, I can't help but feel that being a little older before trying my hand at this has given me a perspective that I would not have had if I had tried this at a younger age. Of course it also makes me feel that the first half of my life has been lived on a sidetrack. A senic sidetrack, to be sure, but a sidetrack nonetheless. Maybe I've finally gotten on the track I should have been on all along. (I just hope I don't find out ten years from now that I should have followed the dream of my six-year old self and become and astronaut...)

Oh yeah...two more clues that I'm leaving at the right time. My laptop screen just gave out on me a week or so ago and my cell phone battery doesn't hold a charge for more than a day or two anymore. Someone on high is trying to tell me something....


A Good Run of Bad Luck
-Clint Black

COMMENTS

Monday, September 6, 2004 11:45 AM

OLDENGLANDDRY


I'm from Ramsgate on the east coast of Kent. I don't go to London much, I get twitchy if I can't smell the sea ("they cant take the brine from me..." did'nt jos whedon write a song about that?)
Talking of exchange students' I've been hosting foriegn students in my home for a couple of years now. That was another one of the reasons why i decided to give up the day job and look at life from somewhere other than inside the box.
If you ever come to Blighty again let me know and i'll take you to my local pub. I allways feel sorry for people living on the north American continent and the terrible Beer they have to drink.
See you around Yank (does that count for Canadians?)

Sunday, September 5, 2004 8:58 PM

NRKANGEL


Hey there English! How are things across the pond? I'm always amazed at how far the Firefly influence ranges.

Where in England are you from? (When I was a sprite, I spent time in London as an exchange student and some fo my fondest memories were made between Earl's Court and Kensington High Street with a bag of books on my shoulder.)

While I was there our school traveled all over, from Wales to Scotland and from Brighton to Edinbourough. I saw more fantastic places on that trip than I've seen in the fifteen years since!

As for wargaming figures, I used to be the Manager of a gaming store in my first post-college days. I ordered for the store so I bought and painted my fair share of miniature tanks, creatures, heroes and other stuff to game with. (Did historical for US Civil War and WWII as well as sci-fi and fantasy - a lot of 40K stuff.) Unfortunately, I haven't done much in the last decade although I still have a toolbox worth of figures (many still in the packs) waiting for paint. (Saving those for retrirement age! Chuckle!)

I know what you mean by achieving peace of mind through following a dream. Years ago I did the "sensible" thing and lived a sensible life. The kind my parents approved of. It was all very nice, but not very good. There's more in earlier sections of the blog, so I won't bore you here.

But like yourself, I self-downsized and for the first time in many, many years I'm looking at the future with anticipation and excitement despite the financial hardships that lie ahead.

I think I gave the wrong impression in this blog by not explaining about the friends. I'm not leaving them behind and I won't give them up as something in my past. Despite what may be some hard feelings (either directly as a result or as a side-effect of my decision), I've always believed that really good friends are able to be angry with each other once in awhile without losing the friendship. These are good people, some of the best I have ever known. I value them greatly and would not give them up lightly.

Thank you for your kind words and well wishing. I would also wish you well in your endeavors and experiences. Hopefully, we'll end up on the same ship (Serenity?) one day and be able to congratulate each other on the wonderful lives we've led.

-Rkangel

Saturday, September 4, 2004 11:59 AM

OLDENGLANDDRY


Forgive me for leaping in with both feet because i have'nt read all of your blogs and don't know if you have decided what your future plans may be but let me give you a brief resume of my recent experience.
Untill just over a year ago i worked in a trade which in my country (England)is considered by everyone except the people who pay the wages as a fairly skilled and worthwhile profession. I was an upholsterer making leather furniture, you know, Buttoned Chesterfield suites and those big leather wing chairs that you see in Victorian libraries. After 15 years the job had become so pressurized and thankless that i felt like a zombie (and not in a good way). So after much soul-searching and one to many back injuries i just gave it all up.I think you colonial chaps call it downsizing. I left on good terms with my boss who was convinced (as was I to tell the truth) that my new venture would fall flat and i would be back in the factory in six months.
Well so far my venture (I paint wargaming figures and sell them over the internet) is still up and running and because i have contact with my customers, I get to hear about it when they are happy with a completed job. Something that never happened in the factory.
I won't give you any B.S. about following a dream but there seems to be something in your situation, something that you are searching for, that has similarities with mine and can be summed up in three words:
Peace of mind.
I hope you can find it and it's a lasting kind of peace. Maybe a good place to start would be with the friends that you are leaving behind. Theres nothing that chews so badly on the regret-bone than a lost friendship.
I hope that i have'nt been to familiar and I also hope that you have all kinds of good luck in whatever you decide to do.


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