10. I’m Lost Without You

Waking in a cold bed, and crying a little. Small house seems suddenly empty, and the solitude becomes lonely. And all the kitchen knives perfectly sharp...

“Gia, would you like to put that down?” Elspeth’s tone is careful.

“What? Oh.” Wipes her eyes. “Oh, don’t be bloody daft, Elspeth. I’m being stupid, but not that kind of stupid.”

“Nobody sees you in near a week, and then I find you looking like hell and contemplating a blade. I had to wonder.”

“He sharpened them all before he left, and I never knew.” She puts the knife back gently. “Do I look that rough?”

“You look like you haven’t slept.”

“Bed’s too big.” She manages a half-smile. “I thought I was smarter than this, you know? Went into it with my eyes open.”

“Oh, you silly girl.” But the tone is affectionate.

“It was only ever a handful of days. We both knew that.”

“Doesn’t help, though, does it?”

“No.” Ilargia straightens herself, pulls back her hair. “Now, don’t worry so damn much. You don’t need your little bag of tricks for me.”

“Oh, I’m on my rounds. Got Jenner’s little boy to see, and then I’m off to see Juno.”

“Another brawl?”

“A fire, this time. Some minor injuries.” Elspeth gathers herself to go. “Now, wash your face, and get yourself something to eat.”

“I’m not hungry...” Raises her hands in surrender, “But I’ll fix myself something, I promise.”

“We’ve all been there, girl.” She grins, but it’s kind. “Doctors see a lot of broken hearts.”

“Well, I won’t die of it.” Ilargia tries to be brisk. “He’s probably forgotten me by now.”

0000

It’s been near a week...

They’d had a simple payroll heist, which had gone without any of the usual elements made up a Serenity job. Given cash in hand, and a stopover on Boros, the results had been predictable.

Mal had been decided.

“I’m leaving his sorry ass in the drunk tank ‘til morning. He’s too damn heavy to carry.”

And now it’s as sad a sight as can be imagined.

Big, bleary unshaven hulk, smelling of a bad night out, slumped on the ramp. Not the first time in his career they’ve bailed him from places like this. Nor the first time they’ve put him under a cold hose before he steps back on the ship, shivering and cussing. Kaylee still wrinkles her nose as she hands him a coffee.

“Simon’s got a shot, make you feel better. Just a little prick...”

Waits. Jayne just grunts...

0000

“He ain’t right, Captain.” Kaylee shakes her head.

“Man’s going to be through his pay and into debt, he keeps on, sir.”

“Isn’t this his usual behaviour? Drinking, fighting, whoring?” Simon.

“Not whoring.” River shakes her head. “Can’t find one with green eyes.”

And that gives them pause. It’s Kaylee who says it.

“He’s missing Ilargia something cruel, isn’t he?”

“Man never even misses a meal, gorramit. And he’s had any number of women...”

Winces all round at that thought. Kaylee keeps on, stubborn.

“None he was sweet on, way he was with her.”

Kaylee knows he’s heartsick. Suffered long enough herself. Knows everyone else thinks she’s just soft.

0000

Jayne is sitting on the steps into the cargo bay. Not polishing a gun, or sharpening a knife, just sitting and staring. River watches. Understands him better now. Big, simple mind and a big, simple heart. Lives in the now, because the past you can’t change, the future, you can’t know. Fears what he can’t fight, because strength is all he has.

The mercenary is hard, tough, heartless. He chases whores, cares nothing for anyone.

But Jayne has a heart. He doesn’t want to chase whores any more.

He’s just too gorram dumb to figure it out. River sighs. Determination settles on her small face. She has had enough of Jayne moping - not just his physical presence. His dumb animal hurt presses on her like a migraine. His mind was much nicer when Ilargia was around - pornographic, but less mean.

She sees into the truth of things. And so does Kaylee.

0000

Dunno what’s wrong with him. Doc says he ain’t sick, he just don’t feel right. He’s been surly and snappish all week, but this being his normal way, no-one has reckoned on it. Feels like he’s mislaid a favourite knife or something. Or that scooped feeling, first time he hacked the black, saw a planet spinnin’ ‘neath his feet.

He don’t understand it. Only thing the three day drunk has done is leave him poorer and aching. Set out to have a fine time, but none of the girls took his eye. None of ‘em was (small and clean and curvy, with wicked eyes and a classy accent) right. Plenty of choice, though - thought to wrap a tall blonde round him, see if that helped - but (wrong colour hair, wrong colour eyes) it didn’t. Screech of abuse when he shoved her off bought her pimp into play, an’ Jayne was in the mood to hurt someone by then... Rest of it was a blur.

So now he’s sitting and waiting for Mal to come and yell at him. But it’s River sticks her crazy face round the door. Growls at her,

“What you starin’ at, moon-brain?”

“Had the moon in your hands, let her go. Fool.”

“Crazy talk.”

“Not so crazy I‘d leave my love in the dirt.”

Why are men so afraid of that word? Even Mal only uses it about his ship. Four little letters and they run about like chickens.

There’s a silence as she walks away. Then a small stunned voice asks,

“love...?”

“Yes.”

Pause.

“An’ it weren’t just sex?”

“No.”

“oh.”

River leaves him with the idea. It’s not like it has a lot of competition in his head.

0000

He turns the idea round, looks at it a while.

Love?

Always reckoned on love being a luxury, the kind of addled nonsense the Doc and Kaylee believe in, or the way Mal moons after Inara. Not something should happen to a grown man, all sudden like.

Met women with more obvious beauty, met women a good deal more obvious in other ways, but never met one he just wanted to be with.

Always lived in the now. Past’s done with, and a lot of his ain’t good to think on. Future...well, his life don’t tend to that kind of plannin’. But now...

Jayne has a very direct view of the ‘verse.

Him. And Larji.

Slots into place like the sweetest pump action.

Wonders what his mother will think. Then reckons he’s never even thought about a girl meeting his mother before.

Wonders if he’s got enough pay saved to get the ship turned round.

0000

Mal stares at him.

“I thought it was just the sex.”

“Well, it weren’t.”

“Oh, I done forgot the cooking.” Mal’s trying to be humorous. It isn’t working. Jayne glares.

“You ain’t funny.”

“Well, I’m sorry.” Don’t really want Jayne losing his temper in a confined space, not without his being paid to do so. “Just never seen you so fretted by a woman.”

“So, a man like me ain’t allowed no finer feelings, that it? Hell, I’d lie down, let that woman walk on me, is the truth. And I miss her, Mal.”

“We all got folk we miss. An’ you can’t fall in love in a week.”

“Why not? Just ‘cos you and Inara can’t sort your hearts out don’t mean other folk can’t.”

That stings Mal, all sorts of ways he can’t explain.

“You ever thought she may not be too cheered if you turned back up?”

“No.” says Jayne, simply. “I was a gorram fool not to stay with her, an’ I ain’t afraid to tell her so.”

There’s no answer to that.

“We got a schedule to keep, Jayne. An’ I’m gonna need you sober. Things comin’ out of your mouth, I’m thinkin’ you’re still pickled. Get some of Zoe‘s coffee down you, and get up to the bridge.”