Title: Torn

Rating: PG

Synopsis: Simon’s need to help his sister comes between his growing relationship with Kaylee and she makes a decision to step away.

Author’s Notes: Takes place 1 month after the last episode ‘Objects in Space’ and before the movie. Disclaimer: This story is not meant to infringe on the copyright of any person or company related to the trademarked characters and situations depicted in the Serenity movie or Firefly series. I make no money from this. Only done for fun – and a desperate craving to have more stories told about this wonderful ‘verse Joss Whedon created.

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Simon rubbed tired eyes as he studied yet another series of test results. It was late and everyone was in their beds, including River, who he’d had to drug for the first time in weeks, in order to get her to go back to sleep. Simon found it far easier to work in silence, without the echo of voices or the clang of metal parts to distract him.

So engrossed was he in his task that he didn’t notice the slim shadow lean against the door to the infirmary, studying him intently.

“Gonna wear yourself out ya stay awake so late.”

Simon’s back straightened as he started at the sound of Kaylee’s voice. “Shouldn’t you be asleep?” He immediately cursed himself for saying the first thing that came to his mind. He could see the hurt look flash across her face and not for the first time did he wish he could take back his words. “I’m sorry, I just –“

“No, it’s shiny, Simon.” Kaylee dismissed his apology with a wave of her hand. “I know you’re worried ‘bout River. But ya can’t help her if ya fall over from exhaustion yourself.”

“It’s just –“ Simon took a deep breath, knowing that she wouldn’t understand if he tried to talk about his findings, or lack of same. He glanced into her face, brightening the room and even his melancholy mood.

“Wanna talk about it?” Kaylee asked, her eyes hopeful. They’d been getting along so well and she’d been real encouraged by how much she’d gotten Simon to relax. But now he was all tense again, and had been for the last few days. She hadn’t been able to reach him, so concerned was he over River’s deteriorating mental state.

Simon sighed and shook his head. But Kaylee wouldn’t let that deter her. She wasn’t going to let him close himself off to everyone, to her, again. She’d spent too much time breaking down those barriers.

She marched into the infirmary and wrapped a hand around his wrist, her determination evident in her stance, and the unwavering look she gave him when his eyes lifted to hers. “Don’t matter if I don’t understand what ya say. Maybe it’ll help ya just ta talk about it.”

When he released the data pad he’d been holding, Kaylee slipped her hand down his wrist , closing her fingers around his, and led him out of the room, over to the couch where they’d spent many a recent night laughing, and talking. She wanted those days back. She wanted the Simon who smiled that sweet, shuai smile back.

Kaylee’s smile was infectious and Simon felt it slowly breaking away his mood. He settled with a heavy sigh onto the couch and found himself grateful, excited even, that Kaylee was still awake at this hour. She had an uncanny ability to make him feel better about himself.

Her closeness caused an unnatural heat to his skin and he found himself unconsciously squeezing the hand that he still held. He glanced down at their entwined fingers and wondered, not for the first time, how he had gotten so lucky as to find a true friend as kind hearted as Kaylee.

“Ya gonna talk or we gonna sit here all night and stare at our hands?”

“Oh, I –“ Simon was instantly flustered but when he tried to pull his hand away, Kaylee clutched it tightly and shot him such a smile that would have made his knees week if he’d been standing.

“It’s not fair to burden you with my troubles.” As much as he desperately wanted to talk to someone, he didn’t want to dim Kaylee’s smile, the brightness in her eyes. Not for him.

“Wouldn’t be here if I didn’t care.”

Simon lifted his eyes to hers and a soft smile touched his lips at the truth he saw reflected in her pretty green eyes.

“Thank you,” his voice was soft, barely audible and she leaned closer, not that he minded. Not one bit.

He began slowly, telling Kaylee in as few medical terms as possible, what was happening to River. He didn’t really know anything for certain himself. She’d been fine up until a few days ago. His tests had been inconclusive, but he wasn’t at all surprised. Her hormone levels and her stress levels were elevated. She had a slight temperature, refused to eat more than a few bites at every meal and she was anxious and irritable.

“You’re givin’ her medicine, right?” Kaylee began to rub her fingers over his, trying to calm his agitation.

“I have to. It’s the only thing that calms her down,” Simon said with an exasperated sigh. “I don’t want to medicate her for the rest of her life, and – having the right medication on hand – it’s getting more and more difficult to get it, or afford it at all.”

“You know everyone’ll pitch in.” She flashed another one of her bright smiles and Simon couldn’t help but feel better at her, perhaps misplaced, confidence.

“It’s not everyone’s responsibility. It’s mine.”

“Don’t have to be.”

Simon shook his head and looked away but Kaylee scooted closer and reached her other hand out to him, sliding it beneath his chin and returning his gaze to hers.

Simon’s heart rate quickened when he noticed how close to him that last motion drew Kaylee. His eyes searched hers, and he tried, unsuccessfully, not to drop his gaze to her sweet mouth, to the long bare neck beneath the pretty floral top she wore.

“I – don’t –“ Simon struggled for words, his concentration now split by the heat seeping from his body into hers from their joined hands, and his determination not to foist off his troubles on this beautiful girl. He took a deep breath and tried again. “You don’t have to –“

Kaylee leaned closer, her breath warm and teasing now on his cheek. “I want to.” Kaylee squeezed his hand. “Please let me.”

Simon’s nod was barely noticeable as the hand Kaylee had on his chin dropped to his chest, and she leaned closer. He hesitated, his mind warring with his heart. All he had to do was lean in just a few inches. He wanted to. So badly his chest began to ache. But thoughts of River made him hesitate.

“Kiss me, Simon,” Kaylee finally whispered, drawing him out of his thoughts. There was no reason for them to speak louder. They were too close, close enough to kiss, if he would just take that final step. She could see the hesitation flicker in his eyes but then it was gone, replaced by a resigned need to take some little part of this new life he’d made for his sister back for himself.

As Simon leaned forward that final few inches to touch his mouth to hers, an anguished cry pierced the passenger bunks, drawing the couple sitting on the couch apart with a hard snap.

Kaylee sat dazed for a moment as Simon launched himself off the couch and around the corner to check on River. She touched a finger to her mouth, tingling from head to toe at the residual feeling left there by the briefest brushing of their lips. But as River continued to scream, Kaylee snapped out of her daze and followed Simon, wanting to offer some help, or comfort.

Book was standing in the hallway when Kaylee rounded the corner, looking sleep tousled and worried as he glanced inside River’s room. He placed a gentle hand on Kaylee’s shoulder when she joined him, her heart breaking as she watched Simon desperately try to calm his hysterical sister.

“Mei mei, please, calm down.” Simon held her as she struggled in his arms and Kaylee could see the pain in his eyes, the fierce determination that burned just below the surface.

River’s mumblings were incoherent, indecipherable words that Kaylee strained to understand. It took him a good fifteen minutes to get her calmed down enough to release his iron-clad grip from her arms, and when he turned Book was at his side, holding the med kit out so that Simon could take the necessary medication from it.

Once River was medicated and slumbering fitfully, Simon pushed the med kit aside and sank to the floor, drawing his knees to his chest and cradling his head in his hands.

Kaylee gave the Shepherd a forlorn look and hurried past him, kneeling beside Simon and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder.

Simon looked up slowly, his eyes weary, his whole body drained from the emotional and physical struggle with his sister.

When Kaylee tried to put her arms around him, to hug him and pull him close, he flinched away, determined not to drag Kaylee down into the despair he felt closing around him.

“I can’t, Kaylee – I’m – I can’t.” He dropped his head to his arms unable, and unwilling, to try to explain. He needed some time to think. With Kaylee there, he was distracted, distracted from trying to protect and heal his sister.

“Let me help, sweetie.”

Simon glanced up at her, his skin tingling from where her hand rested on his shoulder. He wished he could tell her how much he appreciated her trying to help him, how badly he wished they hadn’t been interrupted tonight. But guilt that he had been enjoying himself with Kaylee while his sister screamed through horrifying night terrors cut him sharply.

There wasn’t enough of him to go around. He couldn’t split his concentration. He couldn’t give Kaylee what she wanted. Not right now.

“You can’t,” he said slowly, lifting his eyes to hers. “I – can’t.” He didn’t know how to tell her. He didn’t want to hurt her. He’d done too much of that already. But he didn’t know what to say. He never knew what to say.

The pain and regret she saw reflected in his eyes sent tiny daggers into her heart and she understood plain and clear what he was trying to say. Her breath caught as she searched his eyes, wishing, hoping he would say something else, accept her and let her help him. He needed it so very badly or he was going to break as badly as his sister.

But he simply shook his head and dropped it back onto his arms. His muffled, “I’m sorry,” sent tears careening down her cheeks. “There isn’t – there isn’t enough of me.”

Her breath caught in her chest and she clenched her mouth shut so the sob forming in her throat could not escape. She could only nod and pushed herself to her feet, looking down at him with such sadness that she had to clench her hands at her sides to keep from hitting something in her frustration. She knew he was torn between her and his sister. She understood his fierce determination, that overwhelming need, to help her. What she didn’t understand is why he refused to let anyone else in, let anyone else help.

She moved away from him, slowly, her feet becoming heavier with each step she made. When she reached the door, she could hear his voice, so pained, so heartbroken that she couldn’t turn around to look at his face. “Wait for me, Kaylee.” He dropped his head onto his arms and repeated the plea. “Please wait for me.”

Her bottom lip trembled and she opened her mouth, the words so soft, he couldn’t possibly have heard her. “I’ll wait for you.”

And she would. She would wait for him. His fierce dedication to his sister was something she could never resent and she loved him all the more for it. What had begun as a desire to simply spread for the fancy Core-bred doctor had turned into something a lot more, something very unexpected. She loved him. And love was more than simple pleasures of the flesh. She loved him enough to let him go – for now – to find the place where he needed to be, to help his sister, to heal her. She would step away. And she would be there when he needed her again.

END