The Ballad of Wash and Zoe

I suppose you’ve wondered, or puzzled in your head

How it ever came to happen that this awkward pair was wed

Well sit down on that barstool and have a drink or two

While I tell you the story, and most of it is true

Yes buy a drink of whisky, and one for me as well

For the story’s long in telling, and thirsty is the tell

They met aboard Serenity, when Mal first made his buy

She was Mal’s loyal comrade, he was just along to fly

There was no first-sight love involved, no flutter of her heart

To Zoe he was just a loudly dressed replacement part

And Wash has never said a word of what he felt that day

But after he saw Zoe he decided he would stay

The whole first year they hardly spoke, just orders, work, and such

Zoe at least knew his name, but didn’t like him much

The second year was friendlier, and sometimes they’d converse

Zoe started thinking that she’d probably met worse

When the third year ended, why they were best of pals

And Zoe started feeling strange when he talked to other gals

Halfway through the fourth year they were down on some poor moon

Waiting for a cargo, and it couldn’t come too soon

Only place to spend time was a rotten little bar

Where the best booze and the worst booze were both poured from the same jar

The clientele, as you’d expect, was not the finest sort

But more the kind that you would find brought up before the court

Mostly when the crew would drink, they’d go there in a bunch

Since none would challenge Mal’s fast gun, or Jayne’s mule flattening punch

But everyone had work to do, upon that fateful night

So only Wash and Zoe went, to stop in for a pint

And speaking of a pint, my friend, my throat’s sure getting dry

I’d gladly tell the story’s end, if you will kindly buy

The bar room it was crowded and the bar room it was dark

Outside in the alley you could hear a mongrel bark

At the bar a human mongrel, with eyes as black as sin

Looked up as Wash and Zoe reached the doorway, and came in

He whispered to his cronies, “We’re gonna have some fun.”

“We’ll take the gorram woman, make the little fella run.”

“The whore is back,” he loudly said, “without her big strong pimp.”

“Should’a knowed us better than to show up with that wimp.”

“We’ll have a little party, just her an’ us upstairs.”

“An’ the little guy can watch us, if he doesn’t put on airs.”

He turned back to his buddies as their laughter made him bolder

When suddenly he felt the hand that fell upon his shoulder

He spun around in anger, and could not believe his eyes

There stood the little pilot, just barely half his size

A hush fell on the barroom as the little fellow spoke

His voice was low and serious; to him this was no joke

“Your manners are atrocious, and that is plain to see.

Now kindly give the lady an abject apology.”

The room then roared with laughter, and the thug with anger burned

He’d thought to be the clever one, but the tables had been turned

“And what will you do, little man, if I do not comply?

Back off before I wring you out and hang you up to dry.”

Wash shook his head, and then he said, “You smeared this lady’s honor.

If you don’t take it back, my friend, you’re gonna be a goner.”

Silence, total silence, came o’er the tavern then

The villain Wash was facing had killed twice a dozen men

One man grabbed a bludgeon and another took a knife

They know that such an insult would cost the pilot’s life

Then fists did fly, and barmaids cry, and off did go the light

But you could tell just from the noise, it was a deadly fight

And when the lights came on again, Zoe stood alone

Her face was bruised and battered, her arm cut to the bone

Around her heaps of beaten men, some wounded and some dead

Their leader pinned against the wall with the knife stuck through his head

And at her feet the pilot lay, unconscious but alive

She figured he had three bones broke, or maybe four or five

So tenderly into her arms she took his broken form

Pulling down a curtain as a wrap to keep him warm

She carried him back to the ship where Mal was quite upset

He asked, “ Who beat my pilot up? Someone owes me a debt.”

Wash was awake enough to hear the triumph of his plan

As she said “He’s not your pilot, Sir. From now on he’s my Man.”