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BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - DRAMA
Jayne thinks about hurting Simon for hurting Kaylee while Kaylee tries one more time to reason with the doctor before he walks out of her life forever.
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1127 RATING: 9 SERIES: FIREFLY
Notes: Mucho thanks to TamSibling for beta’ing this monster that turned into 102 pages by the time I was done with all 100 prompts. Writing in this tense has been one hell of a challenge. One I never wish to ever undertake again.
And thanks to Leighkohl for saving my ass on a few of these prompts and tossing me ideas to keep me going.
For the other parts click here:
These last 10 are a bit longer so I've split them up.
Because of You Part 9.5
He closes his eyes and pumps the weights. Up and down, rinse and repeat, his muscles bunching and releasing with the strain. He knows what Simon said to Kaylee – the whole ship knows. And he closes his eyes as he continues with his workout, envisioning the many bloody, painful ways he can end the miserable doctor’s life.
Kaylee doesn’t deserve to be hurt so badly. And it’s clear she’s hurting something fierce. He, of course, could see it coming, but there was no way Kaylee would have even considered listening to him. She’d only had eyes for that prissy Core-bred dandy from the moment he’d walked on the ship. And there wasn’t anything any of them could do about it.
But now that the boy had gone and really hurt Kaylee, all Jayne wants to do is hurt him back – slowly, agonizingly slowly. His lips curl into a smile as he continues with his weights, his mind consumed with the delightful, rapturous thought of causing that pretty boy undeniable pain.
As Jayne daydreams of ending Simon’s life, Kaylee lays in the infirmary, the remnants of salty tears on her cheeks. She’s cried herself into a fitful sleep, and even though Inara sits with her, she does not know the older woman is there.
Kaylee’s dreams are filled with pain and heartache, visions of Simon leaving the ship with River and being gunned down the moment Serenity leaves them behind. She whimpers in her sleep, her body trembling and her heart rate rising as the vision continues, becoming far more graphic in nature.
Simon is being tortured for information, beaten and kicked, but he keeps his own counsel and says nothing about Serenity or its crew. He stares right at her dream self and in his eyes she can see that he loves her, that by walking off Serenity he was trying to protect those that he loves.
But then her vision changes and they are all in Alliance custody; arrested for some job gone bad, some mistake the Captain has made. They are injured and cannot fight the soldiers that spill into the cargo bay. They are separated, questioned and taken to a prison world with no hope for escape. Even with Simon and River gone, the threat is not gone. In the line of work they do, only one thing is certain – they are in danger every day.
Consumed with fear and anguish, Kaylee wakes, her screams echoing off the infirmary walls.
“Are you kidding me?” Mal stares at Simon, hands clenched into fists. He knows about Simon’s conversation with Kaylee and he visibly trembles with the effort not to get off a swing at the younger man.
“I’m quite serious, Captain.”
“I ain’t lettin’ you off this ship. Not now.” Mal wants nothing more than to kick the boy out the airlock, but he knows that is his temper talking.
“There was a time when you couldn’t wait to get rid of River and I.”
“That was before you started sleeping with my mechanic!” Mal pushes himself into Simon’s face. “An I warned you what would happen if you hurt her.”
Simon turns away and heaves a huge breath. He’s never wanted to hurt Kaylee. But there hasn’t been anything in his life that he hasn’t hurt in the last few years. Kaylee is better off without him, he knows that, even if the captain cannot or will not see it. “Then throw me out the airlock.” Gathering his resolve, he turns back toward the captain, his jaw set. “Otherwise, set us down on the next planet we pass and we will get off.”
“An if the next planet is only a bunch of rock n dirt?”
“We’ll make do.” Simon says softly. This is for the best. He needs to leave. He can only protect her if he leaves.
Mal’s eyes sweep down Simon’s body, noting the less fancy clothes he’s started to wear over the last few months. But it isn’t enough. He will stick out like a sore thumb anywhere on the Rim. “An when your sister, my pilot, by the way, doesn’t want to go?”
His voice now devoid of all emotion, he says sternly. “I’m her guardian, she has no choice.”
"Not anymore." River's voice is clear and strong from the other side of the room and both men turn to regard her as she strides forward, a hard look in her eyes. Facing her brother directly, she tells him. "I’m an adult now."
Simon sighs heavily, realizing she's right. Her birthday had passed no more than a few weeks ago and he'd already forgotten. With sad eyes, he again looks to her, knowing that he has no say over where she goes or what she does. But he doesn’t know how to let go. He needs her and she needs him. Taking her by the shoulders, Simon says quietly, "Mei mei, please. Don't make this harder than it has to be."
“Doesn’t have to be.”
“We have to go, mei mei. It’s the only way.” Simon doesn’t know if he will be able to handle fighting with his sister. He’d already just given up one woman he loves. His sister wouldn’t be so cruel as to make him go without her, would she?
“Not the only way and you know it.”
“It is, River.”
Mal watches as the siblings engage in their own little battle of wills and doesn’t envy the decision Simon feels he’s had to make.
Suddenly, River’s gaze softens and her eyes fill with tears. “You’ll be lost without her. Drifting. You need Kaylee to be whole. I broke you and only she can fix you.”
Simon shakes his head, denying the truth in her words. His sister was broken. She needed him just as much as he needed her.
Shaking her head firmly as she pulls the thoughts from his mind, River pulls herself from his grasp . "No. You need Kaylee. Not me."
And with that, River walks away, trying to control her own anger at her brother and batten down his despair as it wafts across the room and through her body. She is out of the galley and almost to the bridge by the time her knees give out under the weight of the emotion. Now Kaylee's anguish has joined her brother's and River cannot stay on her feet. Sinking to the cold deck, she starts to cry, wishing she knew how to convince her brother that walking off Serenity and starting a new life on some forsaken planet would be the death of them both.
Simon sits on his bed, head in his hands, unable to control the conflicting emotions raging through his body. Everyone has tried to convince him to stay, with the exception of Jayne, who simply looks at him as if he wants to shove one of his large knives into multiple uncomfortable places. Their arguments have been sound and only Simon’s fear of putting Kaylee in more unnecessary danger has kept him from caving beneath their pressure.
He can’t lie down. Not now. Not yet. Her scent permeates the sheets and when he closes his eyes he sees her lying there with him, in his arms, head on his shoulder. So many images fly through his mind, but the strongest of them, the ones that make his heart ache so deeply it hurts to breathe, are the ones that show him, prove to him, that he loves her with all of his heart.
From the moment he told her he wanted to be with her, to that moment when they’d finally given into their desires and come together in the engine room, he knows that his decision to leave could very well break him. River is right, though he doesn’t want to admit it. He is broken and no one but Kaylee can fix him.
But he hasn’t seen Kaylee since he walked out of the infirmary. He knows she is hurting. He’s hurting just as much. But he also knows that his job as a doctor to treat her injuries must come before any personal feelings regarding the patient.
With a heavy sigh, he pushes himself off the bed and walks slowly toward the door. As it slides open, Kaylee is standing there, her eyes a dull reflection of the happy, vibrant woman he knows her to be.
The shock on his face to see her standing there is evident even as his medical instincts take over. “Kaylee, I didn’t release you from –“
“I’m fine, Simon.”
“I would still feel better if I could –“
“You done enough.”
Simon steps aside and glances back at the few possessions she has left in the room. “If you’d like to get your things then, come in. I’ve got some work I need to do in the infirmary.”
Kaylee’s eyes dart around the room and she bites her lip before answering. “Wanna be anywhere I ain’t, huh?”
Simon closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them again she is staring at him as intently as he’s ever noticed her look at anyone. “You don’t under –“
“No. I don’t!” Kaylee snaps, marching into the room and then whirling on him. “Why’d we have so little time, Simon? Why you givin’ up on us? Just ‘cause I got hurt? I been hurt before! I been shot before, because of you!” Kaylee stops for a moment, breathless, thinking that perhaps mentioning his arrival onto Serenity might not help her case. But she is desperate. She knows he doesn’t want this. But she sees the look on his face, of horror, of regret for that moment when she’d been shot, and her next words, because of that, are a mere whisper, “You stayed even then.”
Simon shakes his head. He cannot have this discussion with her. Not right now. He’s not strong enough to take another verbal beating. Inara and Mal, not to mention River, have weakened him to the breaking point already.
“It’s too dangerous, Kaylee. I’m sorry.”
“Sorry ain’t enough, Simon. I know you love me.” Tears well in her eyes and Simon looks away so he doesn’t have to see them. He’s been the cause of them more often than not and he’s not sure if he will have the determination to do what he has to do if he stays to talk with her.
His intelligent mind works through so many different things he can say to stop her from demanding more answers. He’s given her all he can and the more she pushes the angrier at their situation he becomes.
He stiffens when she puts her hands on his shoulders and forces him to face her. “Tell me you don’t love me an I’ll leave ya be.” She knows he is honest to a fault. Never once has he lied to her so she feels confident this will stop any further plans he has of leaving her behind.
But she is wrong.
After a long, long moment, he draws in a deep breath. Knowing that this is the last thing he will ever say to her, but knowing, for her safety, it needs to be said, he whispers, “I don’t love you.”
The tears finally break free of their prison to roll silently down her cheeks as he turns and quickly walks away – determined that she not notice his own hot tears as they spill out of his eyes. He already regrets the words; every hurtful thing that he has ever said to hurt her, but it is too late now to go back. For her safety, he will have to let her go and continue his life alone.
Before she is truly ready, Kaylee goes back to the one place that has always been hers, has always made her feel safe, secure. Only now, all she can see when she looks at a certain spot is Simon standing there, holding her, kissing her, lowering her to the floor, making love to her so completely that even now she cannot suppress the shudder that rushes through her body at the memory.
She blinks away tears and crawls beneath a panel at the far end of the room, checking to make sure every system is running at peak efficiency. So consumed is she with her work that she doesn’t hear the delicate footsteps as they make their way back to her.
“It cannot be broken so easily.”
Kaylee’s hands pause around a grouping of thick chains that she’d been ready to disconnect from a crucial system – a system that would delay their landing. She sighs heavily and pops around the panel so quickly she feels lightheaded. She clutches the wall to steady herself and drops her eyes. One look at River and she knows the tears she’s been holding at bay will slip out of her eyes. She returns to her work without a word, hoping the girl will go away.
“He loves you, you know.”
Kaylee voice is muffled when she finally answers. “No he don’t.”
“Said that because he’s afraid.”
Kaylee stiffens when she feels River’s hand on her leg. With a sob, the mechanic slides out and sits with her hands folded in her lap, watching, for a long silent moment, the young girl she’d begun to think of as a sister.
“You’re leaving too, ain’t ya?”
River nods, careful to keep her own despair out of her voice. “He needs me.”
Kaylee’s bottom lip trembles and she lowers her head. “Take care of him.”
“He loves you.”
River smiles and reaches out to grasp Kaylee’s hands. “Too much maybe, but never not enough.”
“Then why?” Kaylee sobs. “Why’s he gotta tell me he don’t love me? So it’ll be easier for him to walk away?”
“He won’t talk ta me anymore. Just sits locked away, waitin’ for us to land. Won’t talk to no one.”
“He knows if he talks to you, he’ll stay, and it scares him.”
Kaylee doesn’t understand. For her, love has always been so simple, uncomplicated. Meeting Simon had complicated her life in all manner of ways, but he had also shown her what it meant to truly love someone with her heart and soul.
Kaylee is almost afraid to say the words. “’Cause he don’t wanna be chained ta me? It ain’t like I asked ‘im ta marry me. Just wanna be with ‘im.”
River suppresses a smile and squeezes Kaylee’s hand. “Afraid that you’ll die because of him.”
“Could die for lotsa other reasons, not just ‘cause you an him are on Serenity.”
River squeezes Kaylee’s hands, her eyes imploring as deeply as her words. “Go ask him to stay.”
Kaylee looks down at their joined hands and sobs. “He won’t –“
River leans forward and kisses Kaylee’s cheek, her eyes sparkling with a mischievous quality Kaylee had not seen in days. “Ask him what is in the bag.”
River walks away, leaving Kaylee staring after her in utter silence. She’d forgotten about the gift she’d wanted so desperately to find that day. But Simon had insisted he’d wanted to give it to her, not simply just let her find it. Now she would never know, unless she goes to him and asks.
With a heavy sigh, Kaylee pushes herself to her feet and slowly makes her way toward the passenger dorms.
River is standing outside the door when Kaylee arrives and smiles slightly when the door slides open. Before the shock registering on Simon’s face can be replaced with him slamming the door in their faces, River pushes Kaylee into the room and closes the door for Simon – with Kaylee on the inside.
She giggles at her cleverness and quickly fashions a way to keep the door from opening until she is ready for the occupants’ discussion to end.
Inside the room, Kaylee flushes with embarrassment. Of the ways she’s envisioned getting into his room, this has not been one of them.
Her cheeks turn a light rosy hue that Simon can only remember seeing during their throes of passion. Turning away from the memory, he walks to the other side of the room, as far away from Kaylee as he can get.
The lights are low, and it’s just as well, his eyes are red-rimmed and she is sure to notice if she but looks at him for long enough.
Kaylee goes for the killing strike immediately, hoping River is right. “I don’t want ya to go.”
Simon closes his eyes and flattens his hands on the small dresser in the corner. “This isn’t about what you want.”
“No, it’s about what you want. And only what you want. How’s that fair?”
“You don’t understand.”
“Then make me!” Kaylee cries, clenching her fists at her sides. She wants to hit him, make him understand that leaving Serenity won’t keep her any safer than if he was there – with her. But stupid male pride has closed his ears and his heart. Well, she will have none of it. Not anymore. She is angry now.
When Simon doesn’t answer fast enough, she marches over to him, takes his shoulders in her hands and turns him to face her. “I want to know why you think we’ll be so much safer with you gone. How I’ll be so much happier without you in my life! An I want to know what you were gonna give me.”
Simon shakes his head and she can see the gears working behind his eyes. He says nothing, helpless beneath her furious stare. Her cheeks are flaming red now, a huge contrast against her lightly tanned skin.
“I love you, Simon Tam an I know you love me! Why you gotta do this to us?”
Something snaps in him and he pushes her away more roughly than he intended. “Because I want to protect you!”
“By breakin’ my heart?!”
Simon steps away as if she’s slapped him. He knows what he’s done and hearing it come out of her mouth now, again, is more than he can take. He lashes out, knowing she doesn’t deserve his rage, but there is no place else to direct it. “Breaking your heart is more acceptable to me than breaking your body! Being with me is too dangerous. Loving me will mean your death one day! I can’t live with that hanging over my head!”
“So this is all about you? Don’t care ‘bout me or River? Don’t care about what this is doin’ to us?!”
“I do care! That’s why I’ve made this decision!”
“One that only benefits you!” Kaylee doesn’t even bother to wipe the tears away. They flow down her cheeks freely now and she doesn’t care. She has this one chance to reach him and she is going to take it. “You don’t care about us! You’re punishing us!”
Simon stares blankly at her, his mind unable to comprehend what she is saying. For top three percent he can be very dumb.
“For loving you!” Kaylee finally explains. She strides toward him and pushes him back against the dresser.
As much as he wants to stop her when she wraps her arms around his neck, he is frozen in place, unable to move. She’s right. He knows she’s right. What he wants shouldn’t be the only consideration here.
“We’re stronger together than we are apart, Simon. Please, don’t break up our family.” Her plea is whispered and it sends a jolt of shame straight down his spine.
Before he can respond she presses her mouth to his, pouring all of her heart and soul into one last kiss hoping that it will finally break him.
And it does.
For a little while.
Liked it? Hated it? Leave a review and let me know. No comments, the end will be what was posted today. *smiles sweetly*
Wednesday, July 05, 2006 6:53 AM
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