Jayne Takes Leave Disclaimer: You know the drill, this is all the Joss man's stuff, he owns it, not me, im just borrowing it Critique: Be kind, i dont write often and my gramma, spelling, punctuation all suck.

Jayne shifted his pack to his left shoulder, grunting as the concealed grenades stabbed him in the kidneys. This was a first, he was sent on his own to make contact and ‘seal the deal’. He scanned the crowd eagerly, hoping to spot the contact before Mal called him, “Alright Jayne, this is how it goes down, there’s a suit down here, he’s your contact” “Gorram it Mal, you have to tell me when your gonna say something before you say something” Jayne growled. “Right, well walk up to him and ask what time it is” “4.15” “What?” “It’s 4.15” “What?” “You said to ask what time it is, but I have a watch” “It’s a code; you go up to him and say, I’m looking for the time” “Oh…What?” “Just go up to the man and say, you know what, forget it, just go up to him and tell him I sent you” “Hrh, fine” Jayne lowered the flaps on the side of his hat and kept his head down as he made his was through the crowd towards the nervous looking man near the platform three sign. “Mal sent me” he grunted to the man, “Mal, err, what Mal? I know no Mal” he stammered nervously. “Mal, this guy says he doesn’t know you” “Is he a pasty man, balding, sweaty and fat?” Jayne looked him up and down and grunted, “Yeah, but he looks like he’s ready to shit himself” “That’s him; make sure he doesn’t run off” “Fine” Jayne grinned, he clamped a large hand on the man’s shoulder and gripped it tightly as he tried to run. “Mal says to make sure you don’t run off, so sit up and shut down” Jayne growled to him. “D-d-don’t you mean Sit down, shut up” the man squeaked, peering up at Jayne. Jayne brought his face so close that their noses brushed, “you correctin’ me?” “N-n-no sir, never” he squeaked, closing his eyes tightly as Jayne pressed his forehead to his, “Cause I hate bein’ correctin”. He dropped the man when he saw Mal approaching from the other direction with Zoë and River at his flanks. They had that look on her face, the one she got when Jayne usually got yelled at, locked in the airlock, or injected with sedatives, so seeing her broad grin disturbed him. River walked in a half daze, ‘what the hell are they so happy about?’ Jayne thought, as he pushed the man into Mal. “Good work Jayne, really, good work” Zoë said the corners of her mouth practically touching her ears. River giggled as Mal snorted in laughter at the bewildered look on Jayne’s face. “Jayne, does he look like a business man to you?” Mal said, smirking as Zoë choked back a laugh with a cough. “Yeah?” Jayne said, looking sideways at the man whose pants had a wet patch rapidly developing at the front. “Jayne, our contact is over there, wearing a business suit, waving at you” Mal said as Zoë and River begun laughing, leaning on each other. “What?” Jayne replied, looking around him, he then spotted the man in a fancy coat jumping up and down, waving at him, similar to the man he had, and only difference was the height. “Oh” Jayne grunted when the man smiled at him and gave him an enthusiastic thumb up. “We’re terribly sorry sir, this man has been locked in a damp basement most his life and beaten round the head with a piece of luh suh” Zoë said, smirking at the foul looks Jayne was shooting her. The man wrenched himself free of Jayne’s loosening grasp and ran through the crowd, crying out that he was being attacked. “Now Jayne, would you like to go and meet with the actual contact, or are you too busy beating on poor defenceless bystanders with your breathe?” Mal said, using the tone that just screamed, ‘you’re an idiot’. Jayne grunted in anger and stormed towards the ship, only hesitating when he heard them laughing loudly at him. He kicked at the door of Serenity when he arrived, waiting for Kaylee or Simon to answer and let him in. He kicked at the door again and shouted, “Gorram Kaylee, get off the Doc and let me in” the door swung open, revealing Kaylee wearing the Doc’s pants, and her own shirt, “Sorry Jayne, I was…preoccupied” she muttered as Jayne pushed past her grumpily. “Yeah, preoccupied with the Doc” he snapped at her when he was up the stairs. “Yeah well, at least I don’t make people wet themselves cause they look bald, fat and pasty” she said, quickly clamping a hand over her mouth, covering the smile. Jayne glared at her and stormed into the mess, pulling out a chair and sitting on it heavily, causing it to squeak in protest. He started cutting apart an apple with the ‘small' knife he carried, hidden where not even the lowest criminal would think to look. He took the first bite into his fifth apple when he heard voices from the hold, “Are you serious, he actually did that to someone?” he heard Simon reply. He grabbed his apple and knife and ducked out of the roof, hiding behind the door to the crew’s quarters. “Captain, when are you going to get rid of that man?” Simon said. “Come on Doc, he’s not that ba- well he is, but he’s still cheap and efficient” Mal replied “Yes, but that’s also what you also say about a whore” Simon replied, Jayne growled quietly as the crew laughed. “No-one gonna stick up for him?” Kaylee asked, Jayne peered through the crack in the door to see their faces, just as they all burst out laughing. “Face it captain, he’s useless, all he ever does is whinge about working, or whinge about doing nothing, or, both at the same time, and you still pay him”. “C’mon now Zoe, he ain’t that useless” “The poor man wet himself” “Well, you put it that way, I guess you got a point” “In Jayne’s defence, I have to say that he’s an idiot” They all laughed again, Jayne dropped the apple he was eating loudly, and stormed up the hallway, all types of curses running through his head, he dropped into his room and picked up the pack he had used earlier and emptied it onto the floor. He grabbed three shirts he liked; a pair of pants and every hat he owned, as well as a pair of dust goggles, and a jacket. He tied Vera to his back, the put the pack on over the top, “Come on Vera, let’s get out of here for a while, see if they think I'm still useless when they realise I'm not here for a while” he muttered to his gun. He waited until he heard footsteps overhead, and then crept out quietly, and paused in the mess to grab as many apples as he could stuff into his pockets, pack and mouth. He pushed open the door to the outside quietly, wincing when it squeaked. He shut it gingerly, then, as soon as it was closed, he ran as fast as he could through the forest, towards the town to find the first transport off planet. Mal poked his head into the surgery and asked “Doc, you seen Jayne?” “Where’s the last place you left him?” “I’ll take that as a no” He walked into the engine room and yelled to Kaylee who was half inside it, “Kay- KAYLEE” “What?” She replied, pulling her head out of the heart of Serenity. “You seen Jayne around the place?” “Only before you guys arrived” Mal walked to the front of the ship and tapped Zoe on the shoulder, “see Jayne about?” “No, why?” “I think he was listening earlier” “He’s probably gone to cheer himself up then” Mal looked at her quizzically, she shook her head and then added, “Did you check Inara’s shuttle?” “He’s in there I'm gonna kill him”. Mal burst into the shuttle as he always did when Inara was on board, “seen Jayne lately?” “No, isn’t he on board?” “Apparently not” “Did you try his room?” “Well, I will now” Mal dropped quickly into Jayne’s room, arms up, expecting a knife to be flung at him. He paused for a moment, then noticed a grenade on the floor, he picked it up and went to place it into Jayne's cupboard when he realised there was nothing but a small handgun in there. He ripped the mattress off of his bed and saw the large gap where Jayne usually kept the gun he had named Vera. He opened a small draw in his cupboard and found none of his hats, or the dust goggles he stole from the Doc. Mal quickly realised that Jayne was AWOL and scrambled up the ladder and onto the bridge. “Could everyone begin searching for Jayne, I have the feeling that he has, err… Run away” Jayne ran as fast as he could along the heavily forested area, he had heard the mule starting up, and he didn’t want to have to explain himself as to why he was taking a small vacation. He craned his neck around to look behind him as he ran, panting heavily, he was not built to move at any high speed for any length of time. He turned his head in time to see a sign, and then stop himself, putting his hands out and stopping, palms and inch from the sign. He chuckled, then stopped, the sign was very faded, and letters had been scratched off, and painted over with copper like paint. He could just make it out, reading the words, ‘Caution, Mine Shaft’. He turned quickly, looking for the shaft, realising his mistake of moving fast as the rotted wood beneath him splintered, opening into the shaft.