Thursday, November 9, 2006

A little standalone ficlet while I continue fighting with Birthday. It's really in response to the slash fic I've noticed. Simon has been propositioned, and Freya isn't very sympathetic.


“He propositioned me!” Simon said, affronted.

“So?” Freya said, leaning on the counter, her mug of coffee in her hand.

“He pressed up against me, put his hand on my crotch, and asked me to go to bed with him!” Simon was appalled. “Only not in those words!”

“At the risk of sounding repetitive, so?” Freya looked at him. “Simon, in this day and age, it ain't exactly unusual.” She smiled. “And I didn’t think you were a prude.”

“You say that?” Simon said indignantly. “After the colour you went last week?”

“That’s me, Simon. Only me. Not you.”

“Do I look sly?” he asked, putting the coffee pot down and gazing at her. “Do I?”

She looked him up and down, still neat and tidy despite his time on Serenity. “Maybe. A little,” she admitted.

“So unless I look like Jayne, I’m going to get this?”

“Once in a while.” She laughed. “Look, Simon, I've been propositioned myself. Don’t take it to heart. It’s quite flattering, actually.” She tried to stop the smile. “’Sides, Jayne’s been chased at least once.”

“God, no. Did he kill him?”

“No. Not that I’m aware. But I think Jayne gave him a good talking to.”

“Is that some kind of euphemism?”

Freya laughed again. “I hope not.”

“He touched me, Freya,” Simon insisted.

“Did you like it?”

He stared at her. “I have a … well, not a wife, but near enough, and a baby!”

“Did you?”


“Then you’re okay.” She sipped her coffee, eyeing him mischievously. “So who on this boat would you go with, supposing you were sly?”

This time Simon dropped his mug, coffee spilling across the counter. She laughed and helped him wipe it up. “Freya, are you kidding me?”

“No, come on. It’s just a game, so come on. Tell me.”

Simon shook his head. “No. You say. You started this, so I think it only fair that you tell me who you’d sleep with.”

“Well,” Freya began, crossing the galley to sit at the table, “I ain't ever been with a woman, so it’d be pure guesswork.”

“Try.” Simon joined her.

“Hmmn. Well, Zoe’s too strong. River’s too crazy –“

“She’s not crazy.”

“Too young, then. So I guess it would have to be Inara. She’s serviced women before, knows what they want, how to press all the right buttons. So I’d have to say ‘Nara.”

“Wouldn’t you want Kaylee?” Simon sounded almost insulted.

“Simon, I can’t imagine it. No matter how hard I try. She’s yours.” She patted the young man on the hand. “’Sides, Inara propositioned me once, too, so it wouldn’t be that difficult to persuade her.”

“Really?” Simon sat forward. “Why didn’t you take her up on it?”

“Because, like you, I ain't sly. And I love Mal.” She took another sip of coffee. “So, I've told you mine. You tell me yours. You’ve got three to choose from.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes. Unless you want to include the boy from earlier.”

Simon’s face registered repulsion before he wiped it clear. “I shall forget you said that.” He shook his head at the look on her face. “God, you don’t really want to know, do you?”

“If I had to embarrass myself to admitting I’d take Inara to bed, then so do you.”

The young doctor exhaled heavily. “Well, there is no way I would ever – ever – go with Jayne.”

Freya suppressed a grin. “Why not? I hear he’s a good lover.”

“Because we’d be fighting over who was going to be on top.”

Freya snorted, coffee going the wrong way. Simon patted her back until her coughing fit subsided. “You’d want to be on top?” she asked finally.

“I like to be in control,” Simon admitted.

“That’s not what Kaylee said when she bought those handcuffs.”

Simon blushed, remembering the problem they’d had when Kaylee couldn’t find the key, and the crew had come back early from their job. Standing in the engine room with nothing to protect his decency other than an oily rag Kaylee had managed to find and was holding in front of him, handcuffed to the compression coil, hadn’t exactly endeared him to Mal. He still cringed when he recalled the looks on their faces. “That’s not fair. Bringing those up.”

“That’s not the only thing that was up,” Freya pointed out.

“I thought you were a prude!”

“I'm getting over it.” She poked him gently on the arm. “Stop trying to change the subject. So, not Jayne.”

“No. Definitely not. So I guess it would have to be Hank.”

“Not Mal?”

He looked at her. “I thought you wouldn’t want me to include him, him being yours.”

“I might get a little uppity if you don’t.” She sat back and studied him. “So – Hank or Mal?”

Simon was still blushing, and it was quite an arousing sight. No wonder Kaylee took him to bed as often as she could. “Then …” Simon considered. “Mal.”


“See, I told you we should leave him out of this!” Simon said, throwing up in hands in surrender.

“No, I just mean … really? I didn’t think he’d appeal in that way to you.”

“He doesn’t!” Simon insisted. “Damn it, Freya, you wanted to play this game.”

“True.” She smiled at him. “Don’t you think Mal would want to be on top?”

Simon sighed. “Honestly, no. But then neither would I. I think it would probably be a meeting of equals.”

Freya laughed. “I hope you realise I've got quite a mental image in my head.”

“Thanks. So do I.” Only he didn’t look quite so pleased about it, squirming uncomfortably.

“Well, I'm sure Mal would be flattered that, out of all the men on Serenity, you’d choose him to go to bed with.”

“Freya, I would rather shoot myself now,” Simon said firmly.

“Then I won’t make you think about it any longer.” She finished her coffee.

“Thank you. And next time I come to confide in you, remind me not to,” Simon requested, standing up.

“What? And miss out on all this fun?”

“Then I’ll remind myself.” Simon headed for the door, nearly colliding with Mal coming in. “Sorry …” he muttered, blushing furiously.

Mal watched him leave, then looked back at Freya, his head on one side. “What have you been doing to Simon?”

“It’s not me,” she insisted, a smile playing about her lips. “Quite the contrary.”

“So what were you talking about?” Mal asked, coming to sit in Simon’s vacated seat and wondering about the heat still in it.

“Oh, just who we’d go to bed with among the rest of the crew,” Freya said airily.

“He tell you about the young man in town today?”

Freya stared at him. “You saw?”

“Uh-huh. Don’t think the others did, and Simon never noticed me.” He leaned forward and looked into Freya’s dark eyes. “That boy turning sly?”

“With Kaylee around?” Freya asked. “Do you really think that’s physically possible?”

“’Bout as much as me and Jayne getting it together,” Mal admitted. Freya stopped, her eyes unfocusing. He watched her. “You’ve got that mental image again, ain’t you.”

“Um, yes,” she confessed. “You?”

“’Fraid so.” He shook himself. “Gonna have to get that out of my brain, you know. Me and Jayne. Not in a million years.”

“Some people might think it a match made in heaven,” she pointed out.

“Since I don’t believe in that any longer, I can honestly say, no.”

Freya laughed. “So what do you think might be the remedy to this unsightly picture, Dr Mal?”

He took her hand, his blue eyes gazing deeply into hers. “I prescribe prolonged bed rest, with periods of intense physical activity.”

“Really? Sounds like hard work to me.”

“Emphasis on the hard,” he agreed.

“And when should this start?”

“Well, I ain't got anything to do right now, so I figure … we could start the treatment straight away.” He stood up. “Does that fit into your busy schedule?”

“I think I can squeeze it in.” She stood close to him and pressed her hand into his crotch. “Oh, definitely emphasis on the hard,” she agreed.

He grinned and led her towards their bunks. “By the way, next time you see Simon, tell him, not in a million years either.”

Freya stared at him, then laughed.


Thursday, November 9, 2006 5:05 AM


THIS WAS AWESOME! I love this send-up to all the slash fics. I don't read them because to me the idea is ridiculous, but I love the banter you've developed between Mal and Freya. I think you need to show us Simon seeking out Kaylee to wipe the image out of his head ... something tells me him being in control would turn her on something fierce.

Awesome piece of writing. Thanks for sharing!

Thursday, November 9, 2006 5:06 AM


Just to clarify, the idea of the slash to me is ridiculous in regardless to our crew ... not in general ... did I just make it worse?!?!?

Hopefully, y'all know what I mean.

Thursday, November 9, 2006 5:06 AM


In regards - damn fingers!

Thursday, November 9, 2006 11:08 AM


This story reminded me of something i saw between two guys i used to work with, one of whom was openly gay, and his "gaydar" was way, way off on the other. I still remember coming close to tears hearing the story.

Mind you, I'm from Boston, and I'm near certain that I read somewhere we have the highest per capita gay population in America (I know I read that somewhere, but don't ask me where), so just about everyone has had this experience.

You did it well.

Thursday, November 9, 2006 11:35 AM


This was hilarious! Love the way you write Freya and Mal and poor Simon was so very funny, I could see him blushing and getting himself all tied in knots. And of all the people to bump into when he made his escape it had to be Mal. Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, November 10, 2006 8:34 PM


Well...least you went with the predominant male pairing amongst the BDHs for your spoof. That should settle some Mal/Simon shipper angst;)

Still...this was freakin' brilliant, Jane0904! Definitely would have paid good money to see a scene where Simon gets pressured into answering a question like that;D



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Now and Then - a Christmas story
“Then do you have a better suggestion? No, let me rephrase that. Do you have a more sensible suggestion that doesn’t involve us getting lost and freezing to death?”

[Maya. Post-BDM. A little standalone festive tale that kind of fits into where I am in the Maya timeline, but works outside too. Enjoy!]

Monied Individual - Epilogue
"I honestly don’t know if my pilot wants to go around with flowers and curlicues carved into his leg.”
[Maya. Post-BDM. The end of the story, and the beginning of the last ...]

Monied Individual - Part XX
Mal took a deep breath, allowing it out slowly through his nostrils, and now his next words were the honest truth. “Ain’t surprised. No matter how good you are, and I’m not complaining, I’ve seen enough battle wounds, had to help out at the odd amputation on occasion. And I don’t have to be a doc myself to tell his leg ain’t quite the colour it should be, even taking into account his usual pasty complexion. What you did … didn’t work, did it?”
[Maya. Post-BDM. Simon has no choice, and Luke comes around.]

Monied Individual - Part XIX
“His name’s Jayne?”

“What’s wrong with that?” the ex-mercenary demanded from the doorway.

“Nothing, nothing! I just … I don’t think I’ve ever met a man … anyone else by that name.”

“Yeah, he’s a mystery to all of us,” Mal said. “Even his wife.”

[Maya. Post-BDM. Hank's not out of the woods yet, and Mal has a conversation. Enjoy!]

Monied Individual - Part XVIII
Jayne had told him a story once, about being on the hunt for someone who owed him something or other. He’d waited for his target for three hours in four inches of slush as the temperature dropped, and had grinned when he’d admitted to Hank that he’d had to break his feet free from the ice when he’d finished.
[Maya. Post-BDM. The Fosters show their true colours, Jayne attempts a rescue, and the others may be too late.]

Snow at Christmas
She’d seen his memories of his Ma, the Christmases when he was a boy on Shadow, even a faint echo of one before his Pa died, all still there, not diminished by his burning, glowing celebrations of now with Freya.

[Maya. Post-BDM. A seasonal one-off - enjoy!]

Monied Individual - Part XVII
Jayne hadn’t waited, but planted a foot by the lock. The door was old, the wood solid, but little could stand against a determined Cobb boot with his full weight behind it. It burst open.

[Maya. Post-BDM. The search for Hank continues. Read, enjoy, review!]

Monied Individual - Part XVI
He slammed the door behind him, making the plates rattle on the sideboard. “It’s okay, girl, I ain't gonna hurt you.” The cook, as tradition dictated, plump and rosy cheeked with her arms covered to the elbows in flour, but with a gypsy voluptuousness, picked up a rolling pin.

[Maya. Post-BDM. Kaylee finds the problem with Serenity, and Jayne starts his quest. Read, enjoy, review!]

Monied Individual - Part XV
“Did we …” “We did.” “Why?” As she raised an eyebrow at him he went on quickly, “I mean, we got a comfy bunk, not that far away. Is there any particular reason we’re in here instead?” “You don’t remember?” He concentrated for a moment, and the activities of a few hours previously burst onto him like a sunbeam. “Oh, right,” he acknowledged happily.

[Maya. Post-BDM. A little with each Serenity couple, but something goes bang. Read, enjoy, review!]

“Did we …” “We did.” “Why?” As she raised an eyebrow at him he went on quickly, “I mean, we got a comfy bunk, not that far away. Is there any particular reason we’re in here instead?” “You don’t remember?” He concentrated for a moment, and the activities of a few hours previously burst onto him like a sunbeam. “Oh, right,” he acknowledged happily.

[Maya. Post-BDM. A little with each Serenity couple, but something goes bang. Read, enjoy, review!]