Understanding by Jebbypal Zoe challenge for fffriday LJ community A/N: Small interlude in warstories post shuttle argument w/ wash and mal & before the crew finds out niska grabbed the boys. -- Chinese glossary Zhangfu - husband

She wanted to hit both of them. One expected her to make things smooth while the other one wanted her to prove her love. Maybe neither one truly understood her.

But then again, no one understood the three of them either. With one look, they were all judged and the pieces found wanting. The idea that she wasn't and never had been in love with Malcolm Reynolds was unbelievable to anyone besides herself. Even her zhangfu couldn't believe it. That constant assumption made her want to shoot every single one of them occasionally.

None of them understood or could bring themselves to see the truth though. When two people saw as much of each other, the highs the lows and everything in between, there was no mystery left, no romance. Every action brought with it the memory of pain, loss, or humiliation. Although it made their partnership stronger and their devotion unending, it eliminated any chance of a romantic liaison between them. That and the fact they were too gorram similar. First lover's spat they had they'd both draw guns, and well, to tell the truth she didn't think Mal had ever gotten over the fact that she was a better shot and better fighter than he was.

But Wash, now Wash was her man, her center, her softness. He reminded her daily of all the good things she'd done without for so long and of the laughter she'd thought had died with her home and family. He told her she deserved happiness no matter what she'd done and gave it to her on a platter. He'd brought smiles and happiness to a boat that had only contained survival before.

And yet, even he couldn't see that he was the only man she wanted. Which made her want to space the both of them and be done with it. Except, she didn't know what would happen to her if she lost both of them at once. Oh, she knew she might lose one or the other at some point (and she had a notion as to which one it would be), but both…at the same time. Just the thought froze all of her anger and made her want to call both of them back to the ship right this second. She had withstood a lot of things both during and before the war, but she'd declare war on the gods, mankind, and every living thing before she'd lose both of them.