She couldn’t see River from where she sat; couldn’t feel or sense her, acute as she normally was, but then River always did know the best places to hide. The best places where Serenity could hide you, where you could watch life from afar, disassemble it, view it and add conjecture without people wondering if you were starting to slip again- if psychosis was making a reappearance, rather then lucidity.

Now she could hear the quiet, now she didn’t need to be in the Black to hear nothing and feel free, River liked to dip down into the noisy. Dip into the chaotic mess that had overwhelmed and put her in hysterics; disjointed and confused as it had been, with memory of past and present all melding together.

She was more then surprised when Simon told her, River could feel it; shock, disbelief and even a touch of fear were bleeding from her as though her body were broken and haemorrhaging, rather than nurturing. Nurturing the tiny ball of cells which had clung to her so many weeks ago. Surviving and dividing, growing and changing.

“Twenty four pairs of chromosomes, Thirty thousand genes, four bases of dna-all forming, all changing…”

River bit off her words. She did that a lot when she was alone, tended to ramble, so similar to before. She wasn’t crazy, wasn’t disjointed and confused anymore but River still had her quirks-still wasn’t all there and healed right. Much like Serenity’s crew.

Her fingers were on the grill now, dark eyes peering through, lids closing for a moment as a memory surfaced. Not hers, one from a long time back and buried in River’s mind, brought out as the grill reminded her, the position and scene reminded her of it. Not her memory- Jayne’s memory. Of fear and worry and anxiety, all melded together with a powerful hate and loathing directed at…River’s eyes snapped open.

“Simon,” The word was a touch louder than she would have liked and through the grill she saw her brother spin around, perplexity replacing the smile that had been there. River didn’t shrink back, just kept watching, seeing, as he stared for a moment at the Infirmary doors before turning back to his patient.

His patient.

She was more then that to Simon, his friend more then anything and the baby was a redemption of sorts. Bandage, weave, way of making things right when they’d always be a part that might never be again. Broken, the woman had pulled herself back together, determined to carry on, stubborn to survive. An attitude the embryo now shared. River couldn’t sense it, too small and fragile and sleeping to form thoughts or feelings, but she knew it would.

“You sure?” The disbelief was obvious and River moved closer to the grill, eyes fixed on her as she laid a hand on her belly, a peculiar expression coming across her face, one River could tell Simon couldn’t place.

But River could.

Could sense the uncertainty and fear, the disbelief and hope, and the anger. River shrank back against the wall. She didn’t like the anger, knew she could turn it off but still didn’t like it when eyes looked her way seeming warm but for a moment anger burnt so bright that it almost scoured the soul.

“I’m sure.” Simon was in doctor-mode now, not friend, which was better, set them all at ease. Made them know their places but also drove his point home. Simon the friend could be uncertain, but Simon the doctor didn’t make mistakes.

“This is just-” She was shaking her head now, a half smile on her lips and its a pleasant one, even if she isn’t feeling pleasant. River can sense the anger rising in her again, pushed firmly back down for the moment, waiting for the right moment to be unleashed. She’s nothing but stoic; Amazon woman, River hears the word echoing in her head, but its not her description and it’s not an appropriate one. She’s not hiding, not ready to snap, she’s surviving which is all you can do in the ‘verse. Hurting and broken once, now she was healing and moving on; never forgetting, but never letting the hurt do more then strengthen her.

“I don’t mean to sound indelicate but weren’t you trying?”

River can’t see Simon’s face but she understands the question. Doctors provide contraceptives, supply them all; even Jayne… Simon makes sure he always gets a thorough screening after downtime. Simon gives them what they need if they need it; Jayne’s always coming for more, Inara occasionally needing some but Zoe and Wash neither of them ever have and branded good stuff, Alliance medicines never came cheap. If you’re not stopping it, you’re trying.

“We talked, weren’t much more then that, never could stop fighting about it long enough to make a decision. Never was the right time.”

She’s getting off the bed now, not looking him in the face for a moment and then she turns to him and River is looking through her; pressing her head to the grill, eyes closing and mind focused to see through her. To see Simon as Zoe sees him and feel what she feels. Respect, thanks and a touch of shame. River clings to the shame, wondering why shame should be felt at such a moment, then as Simon speaks she feels the truth of it.

“Sometimes it never is,” His hand is on Zoe’s arm and she’s glancing down at it, looking at Simon like you might look at a flea or bug but she’s not feeling that way, River knows.

Zoe’s still shocked but recovering her composure; brushing aside all angst’s and worries about having the baby, their baby, her living reminder to Wash. There is no choice, no worry, she’s keeping it. Miracle of conception, miracle both she and it lived through what Wash couldn’t. And she’s feeling the anger again. Brief and fleeting, but leaving a guilty sting of shame behind and only River knows why.

She blames Simon, blames River, and Mal and all of them even herself, for Wash’s death. Even blames him some of the time, feels the anger and rage directed his way, furious for him leaving, furious that he let himself die. Not all the time, just in brief moments. She’d never kill them for it, never act on it but she hurts all the same. River’s felt it before and she feels it now; less with Mal though when it has happened it’s been so bright and painful River’s had to look away. Mostly angry with the rest of them.

Especially with Simon, like he’s the lynch pin of it. But it only lasts a few seconds and River always feels the shame after, always knows how Zoe feels makes up for it. She respects Simon, his work and his choices, almost mothers him at times, there’s a fondness there River can sense. One that is shared amongst the crew but more lightly given to some of them. River would never tell Simon but somehow she thinks he knows, thinks maybe his perceptions better then anyone gives him credit for. Mind’s a terrible thing to waste, top three percent not wasting.

River blinks as Simon squeezes Zoe’s arm, something’s passed between them something she’s missed and Zoe’s nodding now, a slight smile on her lips. “Thank you, Simon.”

Zoe doesn’t tend to say his name, tends to use his title instead and then River realizes he’s making the face. She can’t help but roll her eyes at it. Simon’s always been one to wear his heart on his sleeve, always his eyes giving away concern and emotion. Never able to hide or lie and lousy at both. Blue eyes, clear and genuine, even when stormy and turbulent with feeling never so overwhelmed that things can’t be seen shining through.

Didn’t need a Reader to see inside Simon, just had to look hard enough.

“Take the supplements, don’t let Jayne eat everything at meal times and stay away from dangerous situations.” Simon was folding his arms over his chest, serious and troubled, “I mean it, for the baby’s sake, I can …cover for you or something.” He’s shrugging now and River has to swallow down the laughter that bubbles up. Genuine laughter which isn’t just her own, is Zoe’s too, mainly Zoe’s and a shame it’s stifled to save on Simon’s feelings. Been far too long since either of them laughed like that.

“I’ll speak to the Captain,” River can feel the weight that Simon’s lifted off Zoe not only with the revelation of her pregnancy, but just by being Simon-by looking out and taking care and being the protective person River knows he is. She knows others see him in different ways; shies away from some of them too, not liking or unsure about what she feels there. But he’s always her ge-ge, protective, comforting and concerned. Forever the doctor, always the friend.

River smiled to herself, humming softly as she moves back along the vent. Musing times over, time to be normal again. Time to pilot and laugh and keep focussed away from the noisy.

At least for now.

Translations:

ge-ge - big brother