BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - HUMOR

JANE0904

Boys
Friday, December 8, 2006

Okay, just wrote this in my lunch hour, and it seemed ... I thought you all might enjoy it! It's from a comment from BlueEyedBrigadier on the first part of LOST, and there may well be a sequel if this goes down well!


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2334    RATING: 9    SERIES: FIREFLY

“You’re lost.”

“I ain't lost.”

“We’ve been going around in circles.”

“I told you, I ain't lost!”

“I know we’ve passed that bush at least twice.”

“Doctor …”

“I know because there’s a piece of my shirt attached to it.”

Mal turned to look at the young man. “I … ain't … lost!”

Jayne, standing behind Simon, looked at Mal. “So you mean the rest of us are lost and you’re just taggin’ along for the ride?”

“I know where I'm going!” Mal glared at him.

“Sure.” Hank sat down on a rock and pulled off his boot. “You’re not lost. We get that. Just … dimensionally challenged.” He delved inside his footwear and removed something he dropped quickly to the ground next to him.

Mal’s glare transferred to his pilot. “Someone else wanna lead?”

“Can’t do as bad as you,” Jayne said, settling his guns a little more comfortably.

“Why don’t you contact Serenity?” Simon suggested. “They can pinpoint us, tell us which way to go to get to the rendezvous.”

“And tell them what, doctor?” Mal asked, hitching his thumbs into his pants.

“How about that we took a wrong turn?”

“This is the jungle,” Mal said slowly. “How the hell do we take a wrong turn in the jungle?” He pulled his shirt away from the small of his back, feeling it stick again immediately.

“Then tell them we took a wrong vine.” Simon sat down next to Hank, moving him over. “I don’t care.”

“Zoe wouldn’t be lost,” Hank said conversationally, tipping his boot up and making sure nothing else was inside. “She’d know exactly where she was.”

“Zoe ain’t here,” Mal ground out. “And for a damn good reason.”

“Why’d they not like women?” Jayne asked, leaning against a tree. “Don’t seem natural.”

“I don’t know. When we find them, we can ask.”

Jayne’s face took on a disquieted look. “Don’t think they’re sly, do ya?”

“A whole settlement?” Simon asked, crossing his arms.

“Look,” Mal interrupted, his voice loud. “All we have to do is find this place, deliver the packages and get paid. That’s it. Nothing else.”

“And the relevant word in that sentence is ‘find’,” Hank pointed out. “Which we haven’t done.”

Mal sighed. He’d known this wasn't a good idea, but with this sort of terrain, he had no choice. Serenity couldn’t get close enough to the settlement, and there wasn't even enough room for a shuttle to land, so they had to come in on foot. And with the size and weight of the four packs they were to hand over, he’d had to involve his pilot and his doctor. No women, he’d been told. So now here they were, soaked with sweat, arguing like kids on a school outing. He made a mental note to tell Freya he’d changed his mind – he didn’t want children after all. “Fine,” he said aloud, sliding the knapsack from his back. He dumped it onto the ground with scant regard for its contents, then pulled a comlink from the front pocket. “Serenity,” he said into it. ---

Freya was sitting on the bridge, looking out. It made a change to land on a planet that wasn't a dustbowl, but green and lush. It wasn't all like that, of course, but this region was just breathtaking. Simon had said it was like the equatorial forests back on Earth-that-was, before it all got used up, and she could quite believe it. In the distance was a mountain range, and wisps of smoke indicated active volcanoes. Luckily they were far enough away if there was an eruption.

“It’s pretty,” Inara said behind her.

“That it is.” Freya pointed out of the window. “You know, when you first look, you think it’s all one colour, then you start seeing different shades. How many greens are there, do you suppose?”

“You’d have to ask River. She could probably tell you.”

Freya smiled. “I imagine she could.”

“Do you know if they’re at the settlement yet?”

The other woman shrugged. “I haven’t heard anything yet. But it’ll be a slog through the undergrowth, so probably not.”

“Can you tell where they are?”

Freya leaned forward and adjusted the scanner. “I can pick up Mal’s com signal, if I angle it just … there.” A green dot appeared towards the bottom of the screen.

“And where are they going?”

Freya tapped a spot more central. The screen showed the topography in pretty fair detail. “Just there.”

“Then why is the dot heading away from it?”

They leaned over the screen. “I do believe you’re right.”

“What’s so interesting?” Zoe asked, stepping onto the bridge.

“Um, Zo … just how good is Mal’s sense of direction?” ---

“Serenity.” Mal didn’t look at the others.

“Yes, Mal?” Freya’s voice came over the ether.

“Could you … pinpoint the direction we should be taking?”

“Why?”

“Just tell me.”

“Well, it depends on whether you’re coming or going.”

He sank down onto a convenient fallen tree. “Frey … can you just tell me?”

“Sure.”

There was a pause. “Well?”

“Sorry, I thought you were asking if I could tell you.”

“I was.”

“And I said, yes I could.”

“Frey –“

“Why were you going in circles?”

“Ha!” Jayne said, pointing the knife he was using to carve his initials into the tree at Mal.

“Which direction, Freya?”

“Just head for the mountain that looks like Jayne.”

Mal withheld the comment he really wanted to make, and instead said, in a tightly controlled voice, “I can’t see the mountains. And the reason I can’t see the mountains is because we’re stuck in a jungle. And we’re stuck in a jungle because your contact got us the job!”

“So it’s my fault you’re lost?”

“I'm not lost!”

“Fine. Then you don’t need my help.” She flicked the switch and the com went dead.

“Frey?” He stared at the comunit in disbelief. “She cut me off.”

“I can’t say I'm surprised,” Simon commented.

“She …” Mal swung his arm back, about to hurl the innocent link into the trees.

“Ah, I wouldn’t, Mal,” Hank said quickly. “Without it we can’t get to the settlement. Or back home. Or anywhere.”

Mal slowly released his arm, dropping it back to his side. “I am going to kill her,” he muttered. “I don’t care if I married her. I am going to kill her.” ---

Kaylee was giggling so hard she had slipped from the co-pilot’s chair onto the floor, and Inara was laughing so much she couldn’t help her back up.

“Do you think he knows we’re listening?” Zoe said, her own face split by a wide grin.

“I think so,” Freya admitted. “It has probably occurred to him that I just wouldn’t be able to keep this to myself.”

River looked confused. “And this is a good thing?”

“River, honey, the Captain never gets lost.” Zoe put her arm around the young girl. “Never. Ever.”

“But on Verdana –“

“Never.”

“Oh.” Her lips twitched. “I see.” Her smile grew. “Are we ever going to let him forget this?”

“That’s a ‘never’, too.” ---

“Hey, I think I saw a polar bear!” Hank said, getting to his feet quickly.

“There are no polar bears in the jungle.” Simon looked at him. “And I’d look where I was treading without boots on.”

Hank glanced down. “Oh, ching-wah tsao duh liou mahng. That is just so jingcai.” He sat back and lifted up his foot.

“What the hell is that?” Jayne asked, leaning back a little. “Sure stinks.”

Hank’s sock was soaked in … something. “Can you see what it is?” he asked, holding his leg out.

Everyone else backed away too, Simon jumping to his feet and moving a safe distance.

“I … don’t think we want to,” Mal said. “Just … take it off and leave it here.”

“I can’t do that!” Hank almost wailed.

“You wanna put that back inside your boot?” Jayne asked.

Hank glared at him, then nodded miserably. “No. Can someone pull it off for me?” There was a rapid movement even further from him. “Fine.” He looked at the big mercenary. “Jayne, can I borrow your knife?”

“Why, you gonna cut your foot off? ‘Cause that’s gonna be the only way to stop that smell.”

“I want to cut the sock.”

“Hell, no way! I’d never get River clean.”

“River?” Simon asked.

“Doc, don’t,” Mal warned. “You do not want to know why he calls his knife ‘River'.”

“Actually I think I do.” Simon looked at the big man. “Is there something you want to tell me?”

“What about?”

“You and my sister.”

“Doc, I ain't having this conversation with you again,” Jayne said, pulling himself up to his full height and towering over the young man. “I told you before, your sis and I are just pals. That’s all.”

“Then why have you called your knife ‘River’?”

“Cause she gave it to me!”

“What? When?” Simon was more curious than outraged. For the moment.

“Coupla weeks ago. For my birthday.”

“Birthday?” Hank put in, looking up from where he was trying to use two sticks to ease the sock off his foot. “Since when do you have birthdays?”

“I don’t!” Jayne blustered. “I didn’t tell her, neither. She just knew. Left this damn parcel on my bed. This was inside.” He held up the knife.

“So you called it River?” Simon asked.

“Seemed appropriate,” the big man mumbled.

Mal sighed again. Seemed to be something he was doing a lot of lately. “Look,” he said loudly, getting their attention. “Unless one of you has a reasonable suggestion, I’d take it as a kindness if you’d just all shut the diyu up!”

“I was just –“ Simon started but Mal glared at him.

The comlink in Mal’s hand buzzed. “Yes?” he said into it, his voice sharp.

“Have you found yourself yet?” Freya asked.

“Absolutely,” he said. “And it seems I'm in some kind of parallel ‘verse where I'm not captain of Serenity at all.”

“So what are you instead, then?”

Mal sighed once more, and gave in. “Lost.”

to be continued?

COMMENTS

Friday, December 8, 2006 3:58 AM

GOMITHROUS


Lol, please continue! This looks great I'll definitely read more. :)

Friday, December 8, 2006 1:17 PM

AMDOBELL


I'm a little confused, I thought Jayne was the brilliant tracker so why in the nine hells is Mal leading the way round and round the jungle? This did make me laugh fit to bust and nope, Mal is not going to be allowed to forget this and neither will Hank be allowed to forget the stink he stepped in! Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, December 8, 2006 5:45 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Oh AMDOBELL...the clues were coming in hard and fast with this! They're somehow stuck on an entire planet controlled by the Dharma Initiative!

;D

Fantastic stuff, Jane0904! Sequel, stat! Cuz the hilarity contained here is too brilliant to let go with only one kick at the can:D

BEB

P.S. I inspired this? Damn...I'm good, aren't I? Yep...definitely top 3 percent;)

Friday, December 8, 2006 8:20 PM

MARTIANWAY


A sequel would be nice here.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 2:46 PM

BIGBADJAYNE


Oh Gorram yes, please, please, write a sequel. this was hilarious!

Friday, December 15, 2006 2:57 AM

GIRLFAN


That's really funny!

Friday, February 1, 2008 4:29 PM

BELLONA


“Hey, I think I saw a polar bear!”

'Lost' indeedy!

b

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 8:19 AM

JOLY


You have the best sense of humor. And I love that Frey adoesn't just tell him, she makes him aske for it. Someone needs to knock him around a bit, remind him who's in charge.

AMDOBELL said something about Jayne being an expert tracker... Probably lettign Mal lead the wild goose chase so he can go on about later.

You keep this up, I might have start a fan club...


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