BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - HUMOR

JANE0904

... will be Boys
Friday, December 15, 2006

Sequel and concluding part to BOYS, available elsewhere on this site. Read that one first! Mal's problems just keep multiplying ... Feedback, as always, is ... well, I'm down on one knee!


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 1805    RATING: 8    SERIES: FIREFLY

“I’m sorry, Mal, you broke up a little there,” Freya said, grinning at the other women on the bridge. “What did you say?”

Mal, sitting dejectedly on the fallen tree in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by his bickering crew, sighed. “I’m lost. We’re lost. As in, I have no idea where we are.”

Freya couldn’t help it. She laughed. “Oh, Mal …”

“That isn’t helpful.”

“Why don’t you let Jayne lead? He’s the best tracker.”

“Fine. Then we can stay lost. ‘Cause he doesn’t know where we are either.”

Jayne, watching Hank drop his sock as far away from himself as possible, shrugged. No point in hitting someone for telling the truth. Well, not if it was the captain.

“Okay. Like I said, just head for the mountain that looks like –“

“Jayne, yeah, I know. I still can’t see the mountains.”

“Aw, hell,” Jayne said, turning to the tree he’d been defacing and undoing his belt.

“What are you doing?” Simon asked, horrified.

“Gettin’ us out of this.” The big mercenary whipped his belt around the tree and, with a speed and agility that surprised them all, he was up the trunk, into the canopy before anyone could speak.

Simon stared. “Man-ape-gone-wrong-thing,” he muttered. “I knew it.”

“What’s going on?” Freya asked over the link.

Mal shook his head, then remembered she couldn’t see. “I'm not sure you’d believe it. Not sure I do.”

Jayne dropped back down. “Thought she was insulting me,” he said jovially. “But there is a mountain looks like me. That way,” he pointed.

Hank pushed his foot into his boot and stood up, grimacing.

“So you know which way to go?” Freya’s voice filled the small clearing.

“So it appears,” Mal confirmed.

“Don’t need our help anymore?”

“You could do me a kindness and tell me how far we still have to go.”

“About six kilometres.”

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.” She paused. “Oh, and Mal?”

“Mmn?”

“Let Jayne lead.”

Freya switched off the com then turned slowly to look at the other women. “Any idea what just happened?” she asked.

River, sitting on cross-legged on the floor, shrugged. “Jayne hugged a tree.”

There was a pause as they all dealt with the resulting mental image.

“Tea?” Inara asked finally.

“Sounds good,” Zoe agreed. ---

“Are you sure we’re still going in the right direction?” Hank asked, limping slightly. “Only I thought Freya said –“

“You wanna keep your distance,” Jayne said, scowling round at the pilot. “You sure stink.”

“This from a man who has never knowingly taken a bath.”

“I take ‘em!” Jayne insisted. “When necessary.”

“Once a year is not necessary. In fact it’s disgusting.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t need ‘em more often.”

“I meant –“

Simon interrupted. “Don’t bother, Hank. I don’t think his brain is geared up for understanding speech at the moment.”

“You ain't that dear to me I couldn’t just accidentally lead you off a cliff,” Jayne said.

“No-one is being led off a cliff,” Mal said, bringing up the rear and wishing he was back in his bunk, a cold beer in one hand, a warm Freya in the other. Although he wasn't sure he’d forgiven her yet. Why he had ever thought about getting his own boat, he just didn’t know. It would have been so much easier just to go back to being a rancher, then all you needed to worry about were rustlers, sick cattle, and the like. They didn’t argue all the time. Least not that he understood it. “I'm relying on Jayne to know where he’s going.”

“I was just saying it seems a lot further than six klicks,” the pilot added, compounding his death wish.

“That’s over flat ground,” the big mercenary replied. “We’ve gotta go round trees, rocks …” He stopped. “You hear that?”

“Hear what?” Simon asked.

“Like a rumbling.”

“That’ll be my stomach,” Hank said. “It’s been a while since breakfast.”

“Not that,” Jayne said, glaring at him. “That.”

This time they all heard it, and felt it. The ground trembled beneath their feet at the same time as the air seemed to shiver.

“What the hell was that?” Hank asked, jumping to one side as some kind of large fruit fell from the tree next to him.

“I hate to say this, but I think it was one of those volcanoes,” Simon said, staring at the plume of smoke rising above the trees.

“It’s erupting?” Mal asked.

“I think it might be considering it.”

“Can I just say here that I’d rather not get barbecued,” Hank said. “I’ve just got Zoe where I want her.” They turned to look at him. “Okay, she’s got me, but I ain't complaining! I just want everyone to know that I doubt she’d like me over-cooked.”

“Bit late for that,” Jayne smirked.

“I take exception to that,” Hank said. “And I shall tell Zoe what you said soon as we get back.”

“Hiding behind her skirts?”

“You bet.” Hank’s eyes unfocused a little. “’Course, she don’t wear skirts. Although I could just see her in one. Or maybe a kilt. They do say nothing is worn underneath, you know. And I think that’s probably right. With her it’s probably all in perfect working order.”

“’N’ I'm gonna tell her that when I see her. See how long you last then, you little –“

Bi-zui!” Mal had finally lost his temper. “That is enough!” He glared at his crew. “Can we please just get this job done and get off this rock?”

Simon opened his mouth to respond then looked surprised as he fell slowly forwards onto his face.

“Did he just go to sleep and fall down?” Hank asked, and promptly joined him.

“Mal …” Jayne had his gun in his hand, searching the undergrowth, spinning on his heel. He kept going, his face taking on a rapturous expression as he almost screwed himself into the ground before his knees gave out and he collapsed.

Mal didn’t even bother staring. He looked around him, but it wasn't any surprise when he felt something like an insect sting his neck. “Nee ta ma duh tyen-shia suo-yo duh num doh gai si,” he began, but only got to the sixth word before the curse died in his throat and someone switched off the light. ---

“Anything?” Zoe asked, stepping onto the bridge behind Freya.

“No.” She tapped the vid. “They seem to have got to the settlement okay, but I can’t raise them on the com.”

“Think they might be in trouble?”

“Zoe, if I give you River’s ‘boob’ look, will you promise not to kill me?”

“No. But I think you’re right.” She glanced back towards the galley where Kaylee, Inara and River were sitting. “I think we might need to make a plan.” ---

“ – suo-yo duh num doh gai si,” Mal muttered as he came to, screwing his eyes tight against the blinding headache. “If I'm not dead, shoot me now.”

“I would, but they seem to have taken our guns.”

“Only the doc would say something in quite that prissy manner.”

“I am not prissy.”

“Yep, that’s Simon.” Mal forced his eyes open. “I take it this isn't all a bad dream?” He tried to focus on the doctor, only couldn’t decide which one to go with.

“You mean being doped, waking up and finding ourselves in a cage, no.”

“Did you have to say that?” Hank added. “I was hoping I was just gonna wake up.”

Mal shook his head and the three Simons resolved into one. “A cage?” he asked, and looked around. Sometimes, he considered, there really weren't the curses in Mandarin to do something justice. And he was very good at being creative. “Seem to be right there, doctor.” They were indeed inside a cage – or rather, a large box with bars along one side. “Any idea who took us?”

Simon shook his head. “I haven’t seen anyone.” He sat up. “At least …” He pointed through the bars.

Mal looked. “Ah.”

“Oh dear,” Hank added.

“If this ain't heaven, I ain't going,” Jayne said, staring out.

Half a dozen women were heading in their direction across the main compound, carrying rifles and wearing guns. And little else. What clothes they had were torn and patched, and in the most part too small.

“Are you sure there wasn't some kind of hallucinogenic in those darts they hit us with?” Mal asked.

“Huh? I mean, sorry?” Simon’s attention was elsewhere. Currently somewhere much lower down.

“Doctor, I’d close my mouth if I were you. And remember you’ve got an almost-wife and a baby.” He kicked Hank, who was likewise preoccupied. “And Zoe’s the jealous type.”

“Um, sorry, Mal?”

Mal watched as the women reached the cage and one of them leaned forward, peering in. Jayne nearly had a stroke and hurried to his heaven there and then.

“Which one of you is Malcolm Reynolds?”

“I'm Captain Reynolds.” He stood up, swaying only a little on his feet. “And I’d take it as a kindness if you could explain exactly what you think you’re doing.”

The woman looked at him. “I’d’ve thought that was obvious.”

“I meant apart from the being locked up bit.”

“Just wanted to thank you for making your delivery on time.”

“Glad you’re happy. Now would you like to make me even happier and let us out of here?”

The woman smiled. “Can’t quite do that. My name’s Lilith, and I have a favour to ask you first.”

Mal hitched his thumbs into his pants. “I don’t tend to do favours for people who lock me up.”

“Oh, this is pleasant.” The smiled shifted slightly. “Mostly.”

“I'm listening.”

“We had a slight problem a year or so ago. A virus that ran through the settlement. It … had an unfortunate effect on the men.”

Hank sat up. “Unfortunate …”

“Oh, don’t worry, it’s gone now. But it left them … dead.”

“Dead …” Mal closed his own mouth.

“What was it?” Simon asked. “A virus like that would probably have to be engineered, so –“

“Simon.”

“What?”

“Shut up.” For once he couldn’t take the young man being all doctory. Actually, he could never take it but that was beside the point. Mal turned back to the woman outside. “And this is to do with us … how?”

“We’ve learned to cope with the rest of it, making our own way in the world, but there are a few things we just can’t do by ourselves.”

“Screwing in light bulbs?” Hank asked hopefully.

“Not light bulbs, no.”

Jayne sat back onto the ground, his face ecstatic. “I knew I was in heaven.”

“Jayne, could you stop drooling? You’re making my boots wet,” Mal said.

“We need children.”

“Children. Right.” Mal nodded. “Still not seeing how we can help.”

“We need you to inseminate us.”

“Nope, still not getting it.”

Lilith sighed heavily. “Do you want me to be cruder?”

“Aw, please,” Jayne breathed.

“That ain't necessary,” Mal said. “And why do you think we’d be doing this?”

“Because if you perform well we might kill you first before we dump you into the volcano to appease the fire god.”

There was silence for a full minute. “You’re serious,” Mal said finally. “You know that’s a load of fei hua, don’t you?”

Lilith shrugged. “Hey, if it works …”

“Well, Lilith,” he said carefully, “seems like we’ve got ourselves a little problem here.” He nodded over his shoulder at the other men. “See, I'm a married man, these two are sly and a couple, and I wouldn’t wish Jayne on any mortal soul.”

Hank sat up and was about to protest when Mal trod on his foot.

“Sly.” Lilith looked at them. “Somehow I find that difficult to believe.”

“No more difficult than you intending to throw us into a volcano.”

Her lips twitched a little. “Point taken. But we still need you to impregnate us.”

“Hell, I’ll do it!” Jayne said, standing up. “Long as I don’t have to kiss ya.” His gaze roamed over the women with her, something almost nauseous in the way he leered at them.

“A volunteer.” Lilith seemed surprised. She motioned to one of her companions to open the door, and Jayne stepped out into the compound. “Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it.” Jayne hefted his pants a tad higher. “Where do you wanna do this?”

“Just … go with them,” Lilith said, shaking her head in disbelief. She glanced at Mal who sighed in resigned acceptance, then followed.

“Why am I not surprised?” Simon asked, watching the big mercenary striding across the compound towards the other building. He was … swaggering.

“Don’t think any one of us is, doc,” Mal said. “Not really.”

“But surely even Jayne must …” Hank paused. “I mean, he’s a man.”

“So the rumour goes.”

“I mean, what’s his recovery rate?”

“I don’t think I want to even consider responding to that comment,” Mal said, sitting down on the dirt floor with his back to the wall.

“The amount of time he spends in his bunk, neither do I,” Simon agreed.

“Does he understand what they said?” Hank asked. “I mean about what happens after?”

“I doubt he has room in his brain for more than one thought at a time.”

“So when he thinks about sex, everything else tends to get lost in the crowd?”

“What crowd? And that reminds me,” Simon said, turning to Mal, his face expressionless. “Sly?”

Mal shrugged. “Best I could come up with at short notice.”

“How about engaged? Or about to be married? Or even just in a straight relationship?”

“Doc, I'm sorry. It’s just every time I look at you, that’s what comes to mind.” Mal smiled apologetically.

“Really.” ---

“Are we clear on what we have to do?” Zoe asked, handing Inara a gun.

The Companion nodded, strapping a belt around her hips and slipping the pistol into it. There was something vaguely erotic about that action. “All clear.”

“River?”

The young psychic had a pair of Jayne’s bandoleers crossed over her chest, and two of his guns in her fists. “Clear.”

“Kaylee? You know what to do?”

“I do, but I don’t see why I can’t come with you.” The young mechanic stood with her hands on her hips. “I never get any fun.”

“You’ve got a baby to look after,” the first mate pointed out. “And you ain't exactly easy with firearms.”

“I can learn.”

“Not today.” Zoe reached over and punched the com link. “Frey? We’re ready. Get Serenity into the air.” ---

“Could we keep it down a little?” Mal asked, his eyes closed. “I'm trying to make a plan here.”

“A ‘how we can get out of this mess’ plan, or a ‘how to get out of this mess and leave us with a shred of dignity so the girls don’t kill themselves laughing’ plan?” Hank asked brightly.

“I was trying for the latter, but right now I’d go with the former if I could actually think above you two talking all the time.”

“Um, Mal?” Simon said diffidently.

“What.”

“I don’t think you’re going to have the time to think.”

Mal opened his eyes and looked outside. The leader of the women, the one who called herself Lilith, was heading back their way, accompanied by a dozen more.

Tah muh duh.” He stood up again.

“Your man is performing well,” Lilith said, her tone somewhat shocked.

“More information that I truly needed.”

“But now it’s your turn.”

“No way.”

“You don’t exactly have an option.” There was a buzz of conversation behind her, but she ignored it. “It won’t be that bad.” She ran her hands down her body. “Face it, I'm hot.”

“Lilith, that ain't the problem. I just don’t –“

Lilith interrupted, turning to the others behind her. “What?” One of them stepped forward and whispered something in her ear. “What? Oh, I don’t know. Just don’t breathe too heavily and maybe you won’t notice the smell.”

Hank tried to hunch further into the corner. ---

“Strip.”

Mal crossed his arms. “Ain't gonna happen.” He was standing in the middle of a small cabin containing nothing but a bed. Oh, and three women, one of whom was naked.

“You’d rather visit the volcano?” Lilith asked, having taken her clothes off immediately they had entered the room.

“Than cheat on my wife?” Mal almost laughed. “If you’d ever met her, you’d know why I’d rather die a flaming, agonising death than annoy her.”

“That can be arranged.” Lilith tried a different tone. “What harm can it do? And I promise you’d find it rewarding.”

“No.”

Lilith sighed. “Very well. If you don’t get undressed, they’ll do it for you.” She motioned towards the other women, who lifted the rifles they carried.

Mal sighed. “Fine.” He began to unbutton his shirt. “It won’t do you any good. I can’t perform anyway under any kind of stress. Ask Freya.”

“We’ll see about that.” She smiled as he undressed, then her grin got wider as he dropped his pants. “Definitely see about that.”

She reached for him just as a noise like thunder sounded overhead.

“What the …”

“The volcano!” one of the other women cried.

“Not unless she’s got a radion accelerator core,” Mal said, grinning broadly himself.

Lilith grabbed her rifle, pointing at Mal but speaking to one of guards. “Keep him here.” She strode outside. “What’s going on?” she shouted, looking around, then stopped.

Four women walked into the compound area, each heavily armed.

One of them, the tallest and darkest, said conversationally, “You’ve got something that belongs to us, and we’d like it back.”

“We need them,” Lilith said, raising her rifle.

“So do we.” One of the others, a woman with short dark hair, smiled. “And that won’t do you any good either.”

Lilith paused, assessing the situation, then lowered her gun. “But couldn’t we just – “

“No.” Freya glared at her. “But I’d love it if you told me what the hell was going on.” ---

“How did you get here?” Mal asked, clutching the blanket in front of him.

“Serenity’s hovering, we used ropes.”

“Oh.” He tried a smile. “Good idea.”

“Wouldn’t you like to get dressed now?” Freya glanced at the woman, Lilith, standing naked by the door. “Both of you.”

“Right.” Mal dropped the blanket and picked up his pants.

“You know, there are other ways of going about this,” Freya said, watching as Mal collected his clothing.

“Like what?” Lilith asked.

“The way you look? Why not just cut a landing strip and invite men in? You wouldn’t be able to move.” She realised what she’d said. “If you see what I mean.”

“You think they’d want us?”

Freya laughed. “Honey, they’d be fighting over you.” She leaned forward. “Just don’t go threatening them with the volcano.”

“No?”

“No. It tends to put a crimp in their abilities.”

“It didn’t with the big one.”

“No, well, Jayne’s …unique.” ---

Hank piloted Serenity away from the planet, seeing once more the friendly, constant stars, then realised he wasn’t alone on the bridge.

“Hi,” he said, not turning around.

“Hmn.”

“I missed you.”

“Really.”

“Really. Every step I took I was thinking, ‘I wish Zoe was here’.”

“Why?”

He moved the pilot’s chair round to face her, and smiled in an ingratiating way. “Because we wouldn’t have gotten into trouble in the first place?”

“Damn right,” Zoe said, and sniffed the air. “And what’s that smell?” ---

“…so that’s why I was naked in that cabin with those two women,” Simon explained, watching Kaylee closely.

“I see.” The mechanic crossed her arms. “So none of this was your fault.”

“Absolutely none.” He tried a smile. “Are we … okay?” he asked, stepping towards her, his arms outstretched.

She let him take her into his embrace. “Don’t worry,” Kaylee said, patting his chest. “I won’t let those big nasty women hurt you.”

He could feel her laughing. ---

“So, correct me if I’m wrong –”

Oh, diyu, Mal thought. No way a woman says that and expects to actually be corrected.

“– you get lost. And when you do actually find the right place, it’s full of naked women.”

“I didn’t say they were naked!”

“Well, they didn’t appear to be wearing clothes when we got there.”

“No, okay,” he admitted. “By that point, there was a certain amount of nakedness going on.”

“And would you care to explain why Jayne was so exhausted?”

“You don’t want to know.”

“Oh, I do.“ She looked at him, fixing him with her brown eyes.

“No, believe me, you don’t.”

“I think we’re got a lot to talk about,” Freya said softly. “A whole lot to talk about.”

Mal looked at her and his heart plummeted to his boots. She meant every word. ---

Jayne put his guns back in the rack next to his bed and settled River in her place under his pillow. Stretching hugely, his hands brushing the roof of his room, he decided a few sets of weights were in order, just to help him relax and finish off a surprisingly eventful day. He climbed up the ladder and turned into the corridor.

Tah muh duh!” he cursed, finding River staring at him. “What’re you doing here?”

“Looking,” she said.

“What at?” he asked, an itch growing at the back of his mind.

“Such stamina,” the girl said. She looked him up and down, pausing briefly at his crotch, then wandered away, shaking her head in disbelief.

Jayne looked after her, then grinned. Yeah, good day.

COMMENTS

Friday, December 15, 2006 2:28 AM

AMDOBELL


This did make me laugh as unbelievable as everything in it but Jayne was! Anyone you walk away from... Ali D :~)
You can't take the sky from me

Friday, December 15, 2006 3:08 AM

GIRLFAN


Pretty cunning.

Friday, December 15, 2006 3:55 AM

TAMSIBLING


Oh my gosh - I was giggling like a school girl. You have Mal's sarcasm done to a tee and I just love it!

This was probably my favorite exchange:

>>>“Only the doc would say something in quite that prissy manner.”
“I am not prissy.”
“Yep, that’s Simon.">>>

And of course Mal calling both Simon and Hank sly was great. But then there's Jayne ... well, at least we know we can always count on him for something.

Friday, December 15, 2006 5:05 AM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


It might have ruined the whole storyline...but it would have been kinda hilarious if the entire thing was a shared nightmare/dream between the guys, but River still getting her comments in on the end;D

Anyway...this was freaking hi-larious, Jane0904! Would have never made it past the censors without some artful reworking...but I definitely could see this as an episode in a later season that took the tone similiar to the one in Buffy episode with the bandy candy;)

BEB


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