Chapter Six: Experientia docet stultos (experience teaches fools)

*** *** *** The first two chapters are here: http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=14482 three and four are here: http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=14503 and five is here: http://www.fireflyfans.net/bluesun.aspx?bid=14520 *** *** ***

Simon and Inara walked from the infirmary to the engine room together. Inara was always observant, ever watchful – it was her training. She could no more stop that than Simon could stop worrying about the health of the crew. Still, Simon’s stiffness told her that, among other things, he was aware of that… and not particularly enjoying the thought at the moment.

‘May as well break the ice,’ she thought. “Simon,” she said in a quiet but conversational tone, “there’s no need to feel so… like a zoo specimen. Serenity has an observant crew, all of us in our own way – you included. People will notice less if you stop acting suspicious around us.”

“I just don’t want to be the subject of rumours.” He looked toward her. “I’m not saying that Kaylee shouldn’t have spoken to you, I’m glad that she has you to confide in. But what you think of me isn’t really any of my business.”

Of course Simon would have guessed that Kaylee would go to her. “Ah, touché. Well, I don’t think anything bad about you, in case you’re curious. I don’t think anyone will, particularly.”

Simon’s eyebrow shot up to the far reaches of his forehead. “Yes they will, Inara. They already do.”

“Well, it’s not like Mal’s going to shoot you.”

Simon considered this. “I suppose as heart wounds go, this type isn’t generally fatal.” His serious tone was almost morose.

“Simon,” Inara made her voice gentle. “Do you have… anyone to confide in, as you would say?”

“Well, there’s River.”

“And you do talk?”

He looked away. “It’s actually rather more efficient than talking. I think sad thoughts, and River makes faces at me.” He paused, and caught Inara’s eye. “We’ve always been very close – no need for words.”

She knew that his sarcasm was intended to cover his loneliness, and she didn’t really know how to answer either; nonetheless, as they had talked, Simon had lost most of his extra stiffness. They walked in silence the rest of the way.

When they arrived at the door, Mal and Jayne were only just leaving. Inara smiled, pleased to have someone else to talk to. “So late! Did you two enjoy yourselves?”

Mal glanced toward Jayne with an amused look. Jayne was almost hyper. “Ya know, ‘Nara, it’s like Kaylee says – ain’t too hard when you think of it as carin’ for a really big gun.”

“The engine?” Inara tried to hide her own amusement.

Mal added in a conspiratorial stage whisper, “Even better – there are explosions.” Inara did laugh at that.

“Ha ha ha. You’ll see. Just like a really BIG gun.” Jayne said to Inara, before he wandered off.

Mal looked at Jayne’s departing back, and asked Inara, mock-seriously, “Do you think we should warn Vera about Jayne’s cheating heart?” He gestured with his head. “Best you two get in there. Can’t have you holding up River and Zoë.”

“Of course not,” Inara smiled, and swept into the engine room.

Kaylee was immediately taken aback. “’Nara, you can’t wear that playin’ with the engine!”

“Will I be playing with the engine today, Mei-mei?” Inara’s tone of amusement hadn’t worn off.

“Well, you’re not gonna learn anything if ya don’t touch the workin’s.” Kaylee looked at her friend appraisingly. “Git. Go to my bunk and change into a spare pair a’ coveralls.”

“Is it really necessary, Kaylee?”

Kaylee looked at Inara as if she’d suddenly gone half-mad. “Cap’n said ya only gotta do this if yer willin’ ‘Nara, but I ain’t ruining nothing so fine.”

“Very well, Mei-mei,” Inara said indulgently. “Don’t start without me.”

*** Elsewhere on the ship, River couldn’t help but roll her eyes, even though, like the tree falling unheard in the forest, no one was there. ***

As Inara walked off, Simon realised that he was going to have to make conversation – alone – with Kaylee again. He knew that it shouldn’t be hard; he also knew that it would be.

“The waffles were nice.”

“You helped me make ‘em.”

“Not really. I – ah – mostly watched.”

“Don’t gotta be awkward Simon.” Kaylee turned to the engine to tinker. Her voice verged on not-quite-hurt. Simon knew from experience that full-blown-hurt was only a moment and a mouthful of words away. He tried to avert it.

“Right. So… are you enjoying teaching class?”

“Yeah.”

He should have stopped there, but River had warned him that if he didn’t make things awkward, that they wouldn’t have to be; it didn’t occur to him immediately that silence might be less awkward. “I was surprised to see that Jayne enjoyed the lesson so much.”

“He’s not a dummy, Simon! Ain’t his fault he ain’t over educated!”

“Kaylee, I didn’t say anything like that!”

“Yes you did, you are always making fun a’ Jayne, lookin’ down on him ‘cause he’s Rim.” Her voice went tight and her eyes narrowed.

“No I don’t!”

“Yes you do!” the mechanic shouted.

“Kaylee, I don’t have anything against people from the Rim. This boat is populated with them – I don’t – look, I’m the one constantly being harassed for being too Core. Not Inara, not River. Let’s stop pretending that this is Core versus Rim. This is you thinking that I look down on you and your friends and your family and your home, and you don’t trust me enough to believe me when I say I don’t!” His voice was getting louder too.

“You act like I’m a whore!”

“What? Where the hell did this come from? That word has never passed my lips, Kaylee.”

“You think all I care about is spreadin’ and sexin’! You don’t think I’m any kinda lady.”

Inara, unnoticed, returned from her trip to change clothes. She had hurried, so not to waste time, and was shocked at how quickly the conversation had turned bad. They’d seemed fine, if a little forced, together at breakfast.

Simon’s voice went quiet, and totally cold. “If you think that, I don’t understand why you’d even want to talk to me.”

Inara decided to intervene. “Mei-mei, I don’t think that Simon…” she began soothingly but Simon interrupted. His voice was very formal.

“Thank you Inara, but there’s no need to speak on my behalf. In any case, you’ve arrived, and I’m sure it would be best if we just got on with the class.”

“I ain’t teachin’ you! I ain’t talkin’ to you!” Kaylee’s voice erupted in angry disbelief.

“That’s a matter to discuss with the Captain, Kaylee, it has nothing to do with me.”

“Well, I’m tossin’ you outta my engine room, and that’s something to do with you!” She tossed her head and pointed at the door.

“Good day, then, ladies.” Simon pointedly left, but inside, under the anger, he was shaking. He could almost deal with Kaylee’s childishness – after all, he knew that she easily riled and that he didn’t exactly have a way with her – but he hadn’t been so hurt in years. That she might actually think *that* of him, was just beyond his comprehension. He knew that he should go to the Captain or Zoë about the missed class, but he just couldn’t face the idea of looking like he was tattling on her. He went to sit in his room. River joined him almost immediately, without even a hint of a knock. She curled up next to him, but gave him one of her ‘boob’ looks. “River, please. Everyone always takes her side.” He sighed. “And we were having such a nice morning.”

“You got weird.”

“That’s no excuse for what she said, River.”

“You hurt her feelings.”

“No, see, River that’s exactly what I didn’t do. I didn’t hurt her feelings, she hurt them all by herself this time.”

“And then she hurt yours?”

“River, this isn’t an appropriate…”

“See, this is why I make faces.” Her eyes willed him to remember his earlier comment.

“I’m sorry, you’re right.” He pulled her close to him, and kissed the top of her head. “I want things to be friendly between us, but when she gets all – riled – I guess, I just can’t deal with it. I don’t know what to say. Half the time I can’t manage to talk to her when she’s happy. What am I supposed to say when she wants to pick a fight?”

“‘I’m sorry, you’re right’?” River pulled a passable ‘Simon’ face. He laughed, but not much.

“I can’t say that when what she’s saying is that I think she’s…” Simon hesitated. He really didn’t want to say it.

“A doxy? Floozy? Harlot? Strumpet? Tart?” River supplied.

“Loose woman, I suppose.”

“You didn’t even notice that I listed them alphabetically.” River pretended to pout.

“That’s… true.” He looked at his hands. “Why does she think I think that?”

“She doesn’t. She just worries that you do.”

“But why? I’ve never not treated her like a lady – that’s the one thing I’ve never not done.”

“You’re talking like Mal now.”

“Well, we have been here for nine months.”

“I meant, like whining about Inara.”

“What? River, he… he uses that word all the time!”

“Good point. Bad analogy.” She sighed. “Simon, it comes down to this: trust isn’t earned, in the end, it’s given freely, or it’s not. She loves you, but she doesn’t trust you.”

“Because I’ve hurt her too many times?”

“No. You haven’t *broken* her trust, she just hasn’t given it to you yet.”

“What can I do to earn it?”

“What did I just say? You can’t earn trust; it’s the wrong word to use. I trusted you to help me when I was stuck in the academy – afterwards, you proved yourself worthy of it, but it wasn’t earned – it was just there. Awarded. Given freely… and until she stops worrying that she’s a bimbo, she’ll never believe that you would think that of her. Just like until you stop worrying that you’ll never be able to give her what she wants, you’ll never believe that you can give it to her.”

“River, I know what she’s said.”

“She knows what you’ve said too.”

“Right.”

Mal’s head popped unannounced around the doorframe; Simon could see Zoë standing behind him, her hands on her belt. “What are you doin’ in here Doctor? I’m sure that you’re supposed to be in the engine room; it’s not like I can keep you out of there when you’re supposed to be elsewhere.”

Simon’s lips pressed together mostly automatically.

“I had a quarrel with Kaylee. She threw me out of the engine room.”

“It’s not her engine room to throw you out of!” “With respect Captain, if I asked her to leave the infirmary, I would hope she would do so.”

“’Cause it’s your happy place?”

“No, because fighting is not conductive to surgery – or, I suspect, engine maintenance, though the class didn’t actually get that far.” Simon’s tone had become acerb again.

Unexpectedly, Zoë intervened. “There’s nothing wrong with either of your hearing, but I think you’re both hard of listening. Not you, Sir.” She paused. “Simon, people fight. Doesn’t matter whether you’re at fault, go apologise to the girl.”

Simon was going to argue the point, but then he realised – if he lost Kaylee – suddenly – like Zoë lost Wash – it wouldn’t matter to him that she’d never said she was sorry – only that he hadn’t. His voice was low when he answered. “I’m not courting her anymore. I just want us to be friends.”

Zoë remained impassive. “All the more reason. Sir, I’ve got some first-mate-y things to discuss with you on the bridge.”

Normally Mal would just follow, but he turned to her and asked, “Can it wait?”

River spoke up. “Deliberation of jurisdiction. The husband is head of the house, but the wife is head of the table.” From behind Mal, Zoë smiled at the archaic reference. Mal did not.

“Lil’ albatross…” his tone was warning.

“It’s alright, Sir. She wasn’t talking about you and me. She was talking about you and Simon and Kaylee. The ship is your house, but your doctor and your mechanic have to their authority respected in their own areas.”

River nodded. “Like the gods of old.” Zoë nodded in return, and left Mal standing there; with one final look at the siblings, he turned and stalked off.

River turned to Simon. “That went well.”

Simon put his head on his knees. “Yeah. I’d better go find Kaylee. She still mad?”

River thought for a moment. “As hell.”

Simon kissed his sister again and stood. “Oh good. I intend to grovel.”