“Jaaaaaayne!”

“Yeah, Mal?”

“What the gorram hell is this?”

“Oh! That! Weeell, that’s a trike, Mal.”

Palm. Face. Sigh.

“I. Can. See. That. Jayne. What the hell is a man sized trike doing on my gorram ship?”

“I found it on Cyprion. Brought it back with me. Ain’t it Cool?”

“Waitta…How…~*sigh*~…I was with you the whole damn time we were dirtside! How the hell did you get that damn thing back on the ship?”

Toothy grin.

“I’m sneaky.”

“Jayne.”

Bigger grin.

“Jayne!”

“Reaaaaally sneaky…”

“JAYNE!”

Pout.

“Get rid of it, takes up to damn much room.”

Bigger pout.

“no.”

“What?”

“I don’t wanna.”

Brow furrow.

“Get this thing off my ship!”

“Now, Mal, I don’t ask for too much…”

“You ask for crap all the time!”

“…and I don’t cause no problems for you…”

Sputter.

“You’re the biggest pain in the ass I’ve ever known!”

“…I’ll keep it outta the way and you’ll forget it’s even on board.”

“Oh, for the love of…”

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeease, Mal?”

Palm. Face. Sigh. Again.

“Fine! Keep the damn thing, but so help me, one commotion over this thing, and I’m shooting it out the airlock!”

Smile. Victorious arm pump.

“Shiny!”

********************

“Kaylee!”

“Hey, Cap’n”

Glare.

“What the hell are you doin’?”

Sunny smile.

“Ridin’ Jayne’s trike!”

Eye roll. Sigh.

“I can see that. Does he know?”

“Uh, not really…”

Bigger sigh.

“…he’s sleepin’.”

“Take it he don’t know you put streamers on the handlebars?”

Proud sunny smile.

“Shiny, ain’t they?”

“You best get off that thing, before he wakes up. I don’t want to go searching for a new mechanic.”

Pout.

“I mean it!”

Sigh.

“Fine. My turns almost up anyway…”

Head snap. Narrow eyes.

“Just what the hell do you mean by turn…”

********************

“River!”

“Loud one calls the young lady, but only the girl is here…”

“Honey, you need to get off that thing before you hurt yourself.”

Eye roll.

“Okay, let me rephrase that. You need to get off that thing before Jayne hurts you.”

“Not going to happen…”

“Well, now I’m sure you could give him a run for his money, but he will be plenty ticked he sees you…”

Bigger eye roll.

“Not getting off. It’s my turn. Time allotted out in equal segments for all willing participants…”

“Who all is ridin’ this thing?”

“…to sign up for at the scheduled times…”

“There’s a sign up sheet?!”

“Yes. I’ve got 15 minutes left.”

Stern glare.

Stern glare back.

“Roughly 198 pounds total…”

Hand to belly.

Pained look.

“Darlin’, I ain’t no 198 pounds…”

“…divided by three, but unequal weight distribution, weight heavier to the back…”

Hand to butt.

“I mean, maybe I put on a couple of pounds, but really…”

“…approximately 80 to 90 pounds pressure per back tire.”

“Oh! The trike…”

Indulgent smile.

Indulgent smile back.

“Get out of my way or I’ll run over your foot and break at least 2 toes.”

Indulgent smile disappears.

Sidesteps right.

“Girl thanks you!”

Confounded stare.

“Vvvvrrrrrrrrooooooom!!”

********************

“Wash?”

“Mal?”

Goofy grin.

“Wash!”

“Mal!”

Exasperated sigh.

“Why the hell is that thing making so much noise?”

“Huh, Zoe said it was a loud shirt, but I…”

“WASH!”

“Okay! Enough with the yelling, I can’t take the yelling and the anger.”

“Not answering is gonna get lots more yellin’. Now…why is that thing making so much noise?!”

“Oh! Yeah! Isn’t it cool? Zoe gave me some cards to put in the spokes! See…”

Pedals forward two feet.

Pedals backward two feet.

“Now it sounds like a motorcycle!”

“You…I…You…”

“Me? Yeah, I thought it up on my own. Feels like I’m driving something cool…”

Hangs head.

Shakes hung head.

Looks at stupid pilot from beneath angry brows.

“Feels like your driving something…cool?”

Biggest smile ever.

“Yeeeeaaaaaaah…”

“You do know you drive…MY GORRAM SPACESHIP!”

Face falls.

“Well…yeah…but, you know…you pay me to do that…that’s my job…”

“Just get off the damn thing before Jayne hears you…it…the cards…”

“But, I still got time…”

“GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE!!”

“Okay…okay! Not like he’s gonna wake up anytime soon, anyway…”

Stomach drops into feet.

“WASH?!!”

Retreating trike and rider retreat faster.

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!”

********************

“Zoe?!”

“Sir.”

“What the hell is going on around here?”

“Could be a mutiny.”

“It’s not a mutiny. Just seems like the crew is out to drive me insane…”

“And then wrestle control from you in your weakened state? I think that’s a mutiny…”

“It’s not a mutiny! It’s just, nobody’s giving me a straight answer! There all going behind my back, doing things I don’t want them doing…”

“You know what that sounds like to me, sir?”

“Huh…”

“A mutiny.”

“It’s not a…NOW CUT THAT OUT!”

“Cutting it out at once, sir.”

Lips twitch.

“Are…are you…LAUGHING at me?”

Lips twitch. Again.

“Trying not to, sir.”’

Hands through hair.

Hands rub face.

Hands back through hair.

Loudest sigh yet.

“Look, can you just tell me, why am I the only one worried about Jayne waking up and finding other people on his gorram trike?”

“I suppose it’s because you are the only one worried about Jayne waking up and finding other people on his gorram trike.”

“But…that’s what…I just said that!”

“Yes, sir, you did.”

“I’m gonna shoot you in about 10 seconds…”

“Know what’ll happen then, sir?”

“What?”

“A mutiny.”

“Oh for the love of…just get outta here!”

“Just leaving now, sir. It’s my turn anyway and Jayne’ll be coming to in…”

Checks imaginary watch.

“…less time than I care to think about. If you need me, I’ll be in the cargo bay, trying out the jump.”

“There’s a jump in the cargo bay?!”

“Mmm-hmm. A sweet jump.”

“Somebody’s gonna get killed on…”

Stops.

Thinks.

Glares.

“Coming to? What the hell did you do to Jayne?!”

********************

“Doc? Doc?!”

Big pause to count backward from 10.

“Simon?!”

“Hmmmm?”

Finger and thumb to bridge of nose.

Eyes close.

“Do you know any reason that no one on my ship is overly concerned about my merc waking up and finding out that his personal property – however useless and ridiculous it is – is being ridden by everyone else on this ship?”

“Oh, that…”

“Yeah, that.”

“Oh. Mmmm-hmmm.”

Scratches back of head nervously.

“Well?”

“Oh! You’re asking me.”

“Yes”

“And you want an answer?”

“Truly awe-inspiring deduction, Doc.”

“Mmm. I suppose you would want to know.”

Teeth grind.

“Would be why I asked…”

”I gave him a time release antihistamine about 4 hours ago. Should keep him out for another 6 hours.”

“And you thought this was a good plan because…”

Looks down.

Looks to the side.

Fiddles with ear.

Looks down again.

“…because…”

“Well, this way we all get at least an hour, at 15 minute intervals.”

Rubs temples and prays for strength.

“You do know, when he finds out about this, I won’t be able to stop him…”

“The thought did enter my head…”

“…and you are going to have to deal with him…”

“…but if we didn’t…”

“…’angry’ Jayne turns into ‘punching’ Jayne in the blink of an eye.”

“…then I wouldn’t get a turn.”

Blank look.

Slight head shake to jump start brain.

“You’re takin’ a turn?”

“Uhm. Yes, I am.”

“You’re taking a turn.”

“Uhm…You’re not asking me that, are you?”

“Nope, just trying to wrap the old grey matter around it…”

“I see…”

Teeth grind.

“You seem very…tense. Do you want me to give you something to help you…”

Eyebrows up.

Lips tighten.

Teeth grind. Again.

“Noooo…I suppose you wouldn’t…well, then, I’m just going to head on down to the cargo bay…”

“You go ahead and do that…”

“…because I really shouldn’t miss the award ceremony…”

“…miss a-wha?”

“…what with River up for best 360 and all…”

“Y’all are doin’ donuts in my cargo bay?!”

“…because it’s really important to be supportive to her right now.”

Hand to mouth.

Head begins to pound.

Glances at Doctor’s retreating back.

“Well…who the hell is judging…and what are they giving away?!”

********************

“*ahem*…Shepherd?”

“Oh! Mal! Glad you came down!”

“Uh, yeah. What’s going on?”

“Well…I’m just getting ready to hand out the awards.”

Proud smile.

Blinking.

“Really…”

“Yes! It’s been so much fun! They asked me to judge, you know. I have to say, some of the contests were extremely hard to rate…”

“You don’t say…”

“Oh! I didn’t even think! Did you want a chance to compete in any of the events? I’m sure no one will mind…”

“No.”

“Honestly, this is all in good fun! If you’d like a chance…”

“No.”

“I see. Well then…if you don’t mind, I’m expected down by the bay doors…”

“Well, then, I’ll let you be on your way…”

“…just let me grab the box of prizes…”

“…you just go ahead and…Prizes?”

“Yes, we have some lovely donated items to hand out! I get to decide the prize for each category…”

“Prizes?!”

“Yes. Prizes. Lovely prizes.”

“Now there’s prizes…”

“Lovely prizes. I must get going before the crowd gets antsy…you know how these award ceremonies can get…”

Blinking again.

Mouth opens.

Mouth shuts.

Open.

Shut.

Head tilt with confused look.

“Hey! Waitta minute! Who the hell donated the prizes?!”

********************

“Inara!”

“Yes, Mal?”

“Did you know some of your finer things are going to be handed out for prizes down in my cargo bay?”

“Of course! I don’t suppose they would refer to them as ‘donations’ if they weren’t actually ‘donated’, now would they…”

“Well, no…but…”

“…I mean I know you can be a little backwards sometimes, but really, Mal…”

“Yes…I mean NO…I mean…What the hell is going on around here?!”

“Simple…”

Eyebrow cocks.

“…Jayne brought a unique and interesting vehicle on board…”

“How the HELL did he get that thing on the ship without me seeing it…”

“…everyone wanted to give it a try, perfectly understandable…”

“…I was with him the WHOLE DAMN TIME!! You can’t exactly stick something like that up your shirt or down your pants…”

“…we all know he wouldn’t have let them have their harmless fun, so Simon drugged him…”

“…was he riding the damn thing?! Was he pulling by a really long rope behind us?! I mean, how do you MISS something that big…”

“…everyone had their fun and no one gets hurt, where’s the issue?”

“The issue? The ISSUE?! My entire crew has gone mental and the Shepherd is down there, right now, handing out prizes for…”

“Right NOW?”

“…their idiotic…what?…yes, right now!…competitions…”

Hikes dress.

Scurries away.

“Where the hell are you going?!”

“Sorry, Mal! I have to get down there! I’m up for the fastest relay time!”

“Huh...”

********************

“Mal…”

Mile high startle jump.

“Jayne!”

“What in the name of hell are you doing with my trike?”

“Jayne, you are not going to believe this…”

Nervous chuckle.

Ginormous boot tapping…angrily.

“…see, Kaylee found your trike and went for a ride…”

Glare.

“…she put these real shiny streamers on it for you…”

Eyebrow cocks.

“…so then River got on, and I tried to tell her to get off, but she threatened to break my foot…”

Head tilt.

Eyes narrow.

“…well actually only a couple of toes, but you know…”

Arms cross.

“…then Wash put these awesome cards…let’s see, oh…they are…uh…ooo!…hoopball champion cards!…in the spokes here, to make it sound cool…”

Fingers tap bicep rhythmically.

“…Zoe let me know you were not just sleeping, you know…Simon gave you an anti-armenian, or some such thing…”

Heavy exhale through nose.

“…Book handed out a bunch of stuff Inara gave him for prizes…you know, prizes?”

Menacing step forward.

Charming smile.

“It was all very civilized. They took turns…”

Another step.

Charming smile fades.

“…uh…there was a sign up sheet…”

Grabs trike.

Stalks away angrily.

With trike.

“But, Jayne? I…I never…I didn’t get a turn…”