Mal Love Bots for Sale! (1/?) Word Count: 1,418 Rating: PG-13 Author’s Note: For damiarvn, srichard, obsidianagirl Summary: Well you read the title you get the idea. This goes from innocent to naughty. What can I say, my mind is a very weird, and twisted place.

Mal walked into Badger's office to come face to face with himself.

Clearly confused all that comes from his mouth is "Huh?"

He peers closer at the tag to find that it says:

Captain Malcolm Reynolds clone Sold to you by Badger Industries.

Zoë’s mouth twitched and Jayne just goggled in confusion.

"What do ya think? After the hoopla you created with Miranda, all the woman are just beggin' for 'em. I figure if ya give me the rights to your image, I can make us a bleedin' fortune." Badger's accent grated on Mal's last nerve.

"What in the gorram hell do you think you're doing?"

"Turnin' a profit off that face of yours, is what. There are women out there willin' to pay a pretty penny to have their very own Malcolm Reynolds love bot."

Zoë couldn't keep the smirk from breaking across her face at Badger's words. Jayne, of course, just guffawed loud enough to wake the dead back on Miranda.

"There is no way in hell I'm gonna give you the right to sell me."

"Sir, I'm sure there's a profit to this enterprise, otherwise Badger'd have nothing to do with it."

"Exactly. I was plannin' on giving you 25% of each clone sold. That's 1,000 platinum each time. I've already got a waiting list of like 10,000."

Jayne's laughter halted when he heard the numbers and quickly added it up and figured out what his percentage of that would be. "I wouldn't mind getting my cut of that kind of action."

Mal turned a stony glare at Jayne. "Why would you get a percentage of that? It's my image being sold, not yours."

Jayne's face turned sulky, when he realized that he was getting nothin' out of the situation other than a good chuckle.

"So Reynolds, we got ourselves a deal?" Badger's beady eyes twinkled in avarice.

"Make it 50% and we've got ourselves a bargain."

Badger's eyes darkened with anger, but he knew he was still gonna make a handsome profit, sides once he had the rights to Mal's image, he knew he could make a profit on other merchandise. "Agreed," he smiled warmly and held out his hand to shake on it.

Mal shook his head. "No way, if I'm giving you rights to my image, we're gonna have a contract that stipulates that you only can use my image for the clones and nothin' else. I'll get with Lord Warwick to find a lawyer to have a contract drawn up for us."

Badger's face fell. "Done."

As Mal's party left the office, Badger turned to his Cortex operator and gave him a nod. Within moments of receiving the go ahead, a new ad appeared on the Cortex.

***** Meanwhile back on Serenity, Kaylee and River were surfacing the Cortez looking for some mail order dresses, when a new advertisement flashed on the right side of their screen.

Kaylee and River's eyes widened when they saw the caption "Have Captain Malcolm Reynolds as your very own Love Bot.only 3,999 platinum. Click Here to order Now. Quantities Limited!!!"

River quickly clicked on the caption, and the girls began to laugh hysterically as the read the information.

After reading the entire ad, Kaylee left fetch Simon. He just had to read it.

River starred pensively out the cockpit window into the gray sky, her thoughts turbulent.

After a while, she nodded as if reaching some conclusion about something and turned back to the screen.

****

Six months later the crew of Serenity made one of their regularly schedule stops at the Bazaar to visit Ammon Duul to pick up their mail.

Kaylee and Simon had dragged River to see the 'alien' life form that the Barker had been hawking, as Jayne, Zoë and Mal went to pickup the mail.

Mal was signing for it, when once again Ammon wheeled out a life sized box and several other smaller packages.

Nervously Mal asks, "Whose the large box for?"

"Ms. Regina Tambling."

"Who?"

Just then, Kaylee, Simon and River walked up.

"That would be mine Captain." River said.

"What in the sphincter of hell did you order?" Mal's eyed her incredulously.

River's eyes fell guiltily to the floor as her face turned incarnadine in embarrassment.

"Mei-mei?" Simon asked.

"Just ordered something. It's mine, bought and paid for. No one can take it away." River insisted stubbornly.

Seeing that River was starting to get agitated, Simon quickly tried to placate her.

"Of course not. You have the right to spend your money on anything you like. You earned it."

River smiled happily at her brother.

Mal rolled his eyes at this nonsense and reached down to grasp one of the handles to carry it back to the ship.

"Jayne."

Jayne looked at him in confusion. "I ain't carryin' that. Crazy ordered it, then she can carry it."

"Jayne." Mal's tone and look said it all.

Huffing in annoyance, Jayne picked up the other side of the box and helped carry it back to the ship.

Zoë followed as she carried the other supplies they'd picked up. Simon and Kaylee took up the rear as Kaylee speculated wildly as to what was in the crate. River smiled and skipped next to them as they made their way back to the ship.

Once they were all back on board, the crew waited around in the cargo bay for River to take off and set course. They all wanted to know what was in the box.

River remained up in the cockpit, steering Serenity through the black. She knew she would have to open her box later when no one was around.

After an hour of waiting, the crew realized that River wasn’t coming back to open it in front of them, so they all drifted off to other tasks. They all made sure to make numerous passes by the cargo bay, on the off chance that they might catch her opening her package. The all went to bed that night after River; confident that surely she wouldn’t open it until sometime the next day.

Late that night, River slipped from her bunk. She could feel everyone asleep except for the Captain, but he was surely on the bridge. Scanning his mind, she realized he was focused on the stars and wouldn’t disturb her.

Sneaking quietly into the cargo bay was easy since Simon had taken to sharing Kaylee’s bunk, but opening the box would be tricky, but she wasn’t a genius for nothing.

High up on the catwalks, Mal stood perfectly still, his mind focused on the image of stars dancing out in space as he watched River.

Down in the cargo bay, River very carefully used the crow bar that Jayne had thoughtfully left on the box to pry open the box. Each time the wood squeaked as the nails were removed for the grain, she’d pause and once again do a mental check on the crew.

Her patience and hard work finally paid off; the lid was off. Lifting and carefully setting it flat on the floor next to the box, she scrapped the raffia packing material away from the front of her prize.

Mal stood in shock as he stared down at what was in the box. He wondered more importantly, was why River had ordered it.

River was so fixated on staring at her new toy she didn’t sense the surprise and curiosity that came from above.

With a trembling hand, River reached down to lovingly stroke the cheek. A smile bloomed across her face as touched what she had so longed to caress and until now had been unthinkable to do.

Realizing that she needed to activate it and get it hidden before anyone woke up, River searched frantically through the rest of the packing material until she emerged triumphantly with the remote.

Hitting the on button, the toy sat up and stared at her with piercing blue eyes.

“Follow me,” she whispered.

River slowly backed up and watched as her new plaything emerged from the box and followed her to the dorms. She coaxed it into one of the upper rooms where no one would look until she could move it to a better spot.

Mal stood staring at the now empty crate. After watching River’s brief interaction with it, he began to conjecture as to the exactly why River had bought it. If what he suspected was correct, well then, he had to decide what he was gonna do about it.