BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - GENERAL

TINADOLL

La Escorpiona/The Scorpion-Chapter 4: Between heaven and hell- There is black
Monday, April 2, 2007

A Bounty Hunter,torn from her home remolded by the hands of blue. She escapes into the black.Her only target- River tam.But can she kill her? Or can she go back to being normal? Takes place after BDM(No Wash or Book). This chapter is tame-Next one isn't going to be tame at all.


CATEGORY: FICTION    TIMES READ: 2398    RATING: 8    SERIES: FIREFLY

Author: Tinadoll (aka Tina- That’s me!) Setting: After BDM Rating: PG-13 to NC-17. This chapter is kinda Pg. Next is going to be hard NC-17 Spoilers: probably-But who cares? We have all seen the episodes? Author’s note: I have written fan-fic before. But this is my first Fireflyfic and my first serious (kind of) one. Scorpion is mine. All Spanish, Latin or any other language will be in parenthesis. This could get messy folks. My spelling and grammar is horrible. And my humor is odd. And I’m a fan girl. LOL ENJOY Disclaimer: Firefly et al. Are properties of Josh Whedon- Those who don’t like that will get punched in the Kidneys. Some one told me i needed to work on my tense- so i tried to. Hopefully this chapter refects that Next chapter there is going to be smut(maybe) and violence. Edit: Edited by Jetflair- Thanks for the help!

Chapter 4: Between heaven and hell- There is the black

In the black you can never go back. You can never be whole again.

Maria stepped out of the darkness and into the light. At first she was blinded, but after the initial shock wore off she saw a table, set for five people. She looked down at her clothes and she was wearing white. She looked around again and saw her parents. Her mother kept setting the table and her father was behind her unsetting it. She went to step forward and she blinked and for the first time in a long time- She saw with two whole eyes.

"Where am I?" she asked. She looked around there was nothing except the table and her parents. Where were her brothers?

Her parents remained silent.

"Am I dead?" Maria asked.

Her mother looked up. "You do not belong here," she said.

Here? Where was here? Was this heaven? "Where are my brothers? Where are Pierre, Juan, and Julian?"

Her mother moved forward. She looked angry. "Move along home!" she said as she shooed her.

Maria stepped back and fell into the darkness.

She screamed, awaking to a sharp pain in her shoulder which reached to her hand. She hadn't felt pain in a long time and she was almost afraid. She looked around to see where she was. Serenity.

She was tied down tightly to the med bed in the infirmary. There were straps holding down her arms and feet as well as a belt around her waist. It was hopeless to escape.

After rolling her eyes she silently cursed her situation, pondering what the dream meant. Perhaps her brothers were alive and perhaps she wasn't meant for heaven but for…

She gulped at the thought of hell. She had to make this right.

She heard the doors of the infirmary open. Dr. Simon Tam stepped forward; followed closely behind him was Captain Reynolds again. Simon did his best not to look her in the eye.

"How is she, Doctor?" The Captain asked.

"She is alive at the moment," he said as he checked her vitals. Maria didn't look at him; she didn't have the heart to. She didn't feel guilty at what she had done or attempted to do. However , she felt embarrassed for failing so miserably and not getting up the courage to leave her situation sooner.

"Good." Captain Reynolds said. She finally looked at him. His face was blank and unreadable. "You did a fine job considering…" he said.

The captain pondered for a second, and then added "You may leave." Simon hurried out but not before stealing a glance at her.

Considering what? That she was there for his sister? His mei-mei? In his eyes there were several emotions, but hatred and sorrow were the two prevalent. She shifted her gaze to Mal.

He looked tired, like he hadn't slept in days. His complexion left something to desire- poor guy looked pale. Not from fear but perhaps from malnutrition and too many days in the black. But his eyes. Oh his eyes. She stared into those fishers of pale blue. They were filled with complex emotions and hidden secrets. Her own eyes stared back at him. Her eye patch was missing and she stared back at him with the brown and blue eyes filled with the usual sorrow and defiance. This exchange wasn't going to be easy for either of them.

He grabbed a chair and sat in it. "Tell me everything," he ordered.

"Jien tah-duh guay (Like Hell)! I told you everything I could tell you. It's all a blur," she responded.

"I don't think you understand your situation, missy," he said, sounding all defiant. "Jayne is itching to get his hands on you. And I am this close to letting him in here and letting him question you instead."

Oh Jayne. The big bad mercenary wanted round two. Well she couldn't resist smiling at that. "Bring it on ," she said

A look of confusion came across his face. "Are you trying to tell me that you actually want him to come in here and give you a talkin to?" he asked as he put his palm to his forehead.

"Actually, I'd rather gen hou zi bi diu shi (engage in a feces hurling contest with a monkey) but at least screwing with stupid will be fun."

Before he could react, Jayne came stomping in. Half of his jaw was still black and blue from the last encounter but at least it wasn't wired anymore. "It'll be a pleasure ," he said with a sadistic smile on his face, pulling out Binky and waiving the knife around

"Well it ain't fair that I am all tied up," she said as she batted her eyes. "How's about you handcuff me to a chair?" she looked around the room. "Perhaps in a room with less….toys ," she finished, smiling

Capt Reynolds opened his mouth to say something but Jayne but the mercenary interrupted . "It's on, you jien huo (cheap floozy)."

"Dung ee hwar...(Hold a second) This is my ship, gorram it!!" Reynolds said, turning red at Jayne.

"Shuddup Mal" Jayne said, pouting. "I wanna finish this once and for all. My way, " he said, smiling. He really looked pleased with himself.

Mal looked at Jayne and then at the strapped Scorpion. "Fine," he said to Jayne . "Just make sure you clean up the mess when you're done. I don't want no blood stains scarin off potential business partners."

He turned to leave. "Captain, If I may have one small request?" she asked. He turned and crossed his arms. "May I have my eye-patch back?"

The Capt Snickered

COMMENTS

Monday, April 2, 2007 9:43 AM

MAVOURNEEN


I've been reading your work, and am now moved to comment.

You should get yourself a Beta reader, someone to proof your work.

I copied a portion of the last bit, and in parenthesis, indicated the conflicting tenses. For me...it's a real distraction to your work.

“Shuddup Mal” Jayne says (PRESENT) pouting. “I wanna finish this once and for all. My way.” He said (PAST) smiling. He really looked (PAST) pleased with himself.


Mal looked (PAST)at Jayne and then at the strapped Scorpion.


“Fine.” He said (PAST) to Jayne “Just make sure you clean up the mess when you are done.I don't want no blood stains scarin off potential business partners.”


He turns (PRESENT) to leave.

“Captain, If I may have one small request.” She asks.(PRESENT) He turns(PRESENT) and crossed(PAST) his arms. “May I have my eye-patch back?”


Monday, April 2, 2007 10:02 AM

TINADOLL


I don't understand why its that big of a deal,i re-read the whole thing and proof read it as best as i can. Next time don't bother to read it if you don';t like it( i'm sure thats why a lot of people have not read it)- Or shoot me a pm.

- I should say thank you but i feel a little bitter now. I may (or may not edit it later)

Monday, April 2, 2007 10:11 AM

NVGHOSTRIDER


Seems he character has a twist in her brain somewhere between past and present. Somewhere in the non-existence of time. I think it plays well with the story at hand.

Monday, April 2, 2007 11:29 AM

MAL4PREZ


Huh. Seems like Mavourneen had an excellent constructive comment, and not unwarranted. Consistent tenses are kind of important.

You have a number of other grammatical mistakes as well - not that this means your story is bad, but these mistakes get in the way of readers enjoying the story you've worked so hard on. A beta reader would help you - betas help all of us!

Really, Mavourneen must enjoy and care for your work enough to have taken the time to offer a criticism. She/He did so with no personal attack or insult, and likely with every intention of continuing to read and enjoy your work. It's a shame you can't take the comment gracefully.

Monday, April 2, 2007 11:47 AM

BRERRABBIT


Tinadoll don't be bitter. I'm sure they only meant to help. But just as a courtesy, they should have also mentioned something they liked about your work. It's interesting, and I'm wondering where you'll go with it.

Monday, April 2, 2007 12:23 PM

TINADOLL


I'm mad(even after going to the gym to try to chill out) because i worked hard on it and even so it still has errors! What is this Beta everyone is speaking of? I sure need it

Monday, April 2, 2007 3:04 PM

JETFLAIR


Hey Tina, a beta is fanfic slang for proofreader. Someone who's picky about things like tenses and grammar could help you edit the final draft so it doesn't have errors.

I'm sorry the comment above made you feel bitter; I know what it's like to work hard on something and put it out for people to comment on, and negative comments sting. But when they are constructive and true like the above, they will make your work better if you listen to them.

Professionally written is important; fewer people will read, take you seriously, or enjoy your work when the way it's written distracts from the story (which in this case, it does). Want me to try a beta on your next chapter? I won't mess with your story, but maybe I can help point out some ways to make the writing/presentation a little smoother.

I really liked the exchange between Mal, Scorpion, and Jayne in this......it was funny. Just needs a little polishing is all!

Monday, April 2, 2007 3:30 PM

JETFLAIR


Tina, email me at jetflair@gmail.com if you're interested in looking at a "betaed" version of this chapter.....I marked up some suggested changes in a word document.

Monday, April 2, 2007 3:45 PM

TINADOLL


Jetflair helped me edit

Hopefully its better!

Thanks for the help again!

Thursday, April 5, 2007 12:26 PM

BLUEEYEDBRIGADIER


Well...didn't get to catch the previous version, so I can only comment on the beta-read version here;)

So...let's get any and all remaining complaints out of the way so we can move to the complements. Only thing that stands out for me is that I think you meant to use "fissures" instead of "fishers" when referring to Mal's cerulean peepers. End critique;)

Now...to the compliments! Definitely really liking this series and I really can't wait to see how the next chapter flows. Maybe it's me, but I really don't think that Mal will let Jayne go all that far with Maria...but I could be all kinds of wrong. However, I did like the various observations from Maria/Scorpion about Simon, Mal and Jayne's behaviours at this point in time:D

BEB

Thursday, May 31, 2007 3:37 AM

DARKFLY


Wicked, keep up the good work


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