A/N: I wrote this pretty quickly, and it isn't beta-ed, so don't expect miracles. Just a little conversation that popped in to my head. Enjoy, and please comment. xx

Seeing Light in the Black

“Kaylee?” Simon asked, “Are you okay.”

The mechanic smiled from where she sat perched near the door of the infirmary. Everyone else had cleared from the room when Simon had given the unconscious Jayne the all clear, but Kaylee had remained, watching as he cleaned the cuts on Jayne’s face.

“Shiny, Doctor,” she said, and he detected a slight shakiness in her voice that wasn’t usually present.

He moved to her, feeling a little puzzled. “He really is going to be fine,” he told her, wondering as he spoke just what kind of relationship Kaylee and the big mercenary shared. It occurred to him that the thought bothered him more than was appropriate.

“Oh, I know,” Kaylee said cheerily, looking to the floor. “Sure there ain’t a wound you can’t fix.”

Simon felt him self blushing slightly, and shifted with embarrassment, cursing himself. “I wouldn’t say that,” he muttered. “But really, as gun shot wounds go, it was pretty minor. You don’t need to worry.”

“I ain’t worried,” she assured him, finally meeting his eye. “I just…”

“What?” he asked, stepping closer thoughtlessly.

She blushed, and Simon was surprised. He had been beginning to think nothing could embarrass the consistently cheerful Kaylee.

“It’s just… you was really amazing, you know that?” She nodded over to Jayne, and Simon thought back to ten minutes ago when he’d had his hands buried in the man’s side.

“I could never do what you do,” Kaylee said sincerely.

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Simon said, feeling embarrassed but oddly pleased. “I mean, I just… have the schooling, and the experience, to do what I do.”

Kaylee shook her head. “It’s more than that … it’s not something anyone could do.” She shuddered a little. “I go all squicky at the sight of blood.”

Simon grinned at this, and then wondered why it felt so odd to be smiling.

“Did it never bother you?” Kaylee asked.

Simon shrugged, moving to sit beside her. “It’s a bit of a shock at first, in anatomy class, where they have you dissecting dead bodies.” Kaylee gasped, and he smiled ruefully. “I guess they want to shock you, to wheedle out the people who can’t cope.”

“But you were okay?”

He shrugged again, wishing they could move the conversation away from him. It unsettled him, having Kaylee look at him with bright, wide eyes brimming with admiration. It unsettled him because he was enjoying it. “I … really wanted to be a doctor. I’d worked for it my whole life. I wasn’t going to let a few episodes with my head down the toilet stop me.”

Kaylee giggled. Simon liked the sound of it, even as he wondered when he had last laughed.

“Well, you got what you wanted,” she said, not quite as happily as before.

He nodded, and then hesitated before speaking. “Kaylee, if blood makes you go … all squicky … why are you here?”

She didn’t meet his eye. “I like watching you,” she said carefully. “When you’re in doctor mode, you’re like a different person.”

Simon blinked. “I am?”

Giggling again, she nodded. “All calm and in control. You don’t take crap from anyone. You’re in charge.” She looked at him. “It’s like nothin’ can stop you.”

He didn’t know what to say, so he just offered her the best smile her could muster. She beamed at him in return, and he felt a little pang of something he couldn’t identify.

“How’d you know you wanted to be a doctor?” she asked.

Still wanting to move the topic away from him, he returned, “How did you know you wanted to be a mechanic?”

She gave a little self-deprecating laugh. “It was the only thing I knew how to do!” At his encouraging half-smile, she continued. “I mean, I done okay at school but my parents couldn’t afford to keep me there long enough to do exams or anything. Way I saw it, I had a choice. I could work for my daddy, or I could get married at sixteen to some moron and have seven kids and spend the rest of my life washin’ dishes.”

Simon chuckled at that. “And that didn’t appeal?”

“Strangely enough, no,” she joked. “Then Serenity came along…But it weren’t like that for you. I mean, you’re real smart and you coulda got schooled in whatever you wanted. Why’d ya pick doctorin’?”

Simon thought. “It wasn’t just what I wanted… it was what was expected. Ever since I came home with a good grade card from kindergarten, my dad wanted me to be a doctor. I’m not saying he forced me into it… I wanted to help people. But it meant something different to him. To him, it was about having a position and a title and money.”

He paused, looking down at his hands. “I guess the difference is… well, what about you? If you’d had other choices, when Serenity came along, would you have still joined the crew?”

Kaylee nodded. “In a heartbeat.”

“Then I think you just answered your own question,” Simon said.

Her smiled grew even wider. “I guess I did.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while, listening to Jayne grunting in his sleep.

“Kaylee…” Simon began hesitantly. “What I said, the other day… in the store on Jiangyin, I didn’t mean….”

“It’s okay,” she cut him off. “I know it must be tough for you.”

Simon shook his head. “That has nothing to do with it. I was rude, and I had no right to take out my frustration on you. It’s just…”

“What?” she asked, and he found himself captivated by her eyes, wide an innocent. “What?” she pressed.

“I, er…” He shook himself mentally, and tried again. “Well, you chose this life, like you said. But you were wrong to think I think less of you for it… I envy you, Kaylee.”

“Envy me?” she repeated, incredulous.

He nodded. “You chose the life you wanted. I don’t even know what I want.”

“It’s okay to want your old life back,” Kaylee murmured, her voice barely audible.

“That’s the thing,” he said. “I don’t know that I do.”

It was the first time he had admitted it, even to himself, but it felt like a weight lifting. Kaylee looked strangely pleased.

“What dya mean?”

“Well, there are definitely things that I miss,” he said. “Hot showers, good food…” he blushed as he continued, “…having money…”

Kaylee grinned, and nodded for him to continue.

“I even miss my parents, and some of my friends, but… the only thing that I really, really miss? Is… helping people. And feeling… useful. And I guess I have that here.” He nodded at Jayne.

“You got plenty o’ uses,” Kaylee said with a wink, and he laughed.

“Thanks, I think.”

She nodded once. “So, what you’re saying is… the life you were born to, might not have been the life you’d choose?”

“I’m not saying I’d have jumped at the chance to live like this, if it hadn’t been for River,” Simon said. “I guess … I don’t know what I’d choose. What I want. It’s been entangled with what was expected for so long that I can hardly tell the difference anymore.”

Kaylee stood up gently. “Well, maybe being on here will be good for you. While you work it out.”

“I guess.”

“If you can cope with being dragged to the ass-end of the galaxy on a piece of luh suh, that is,” she teased.

He bit his lip. “I’m so-”

“I’m only teasin’, doc,” she said.

“Simon,” he corrected.

“Simon,” she repeated. “I’m just sayin’… Serenity might not seem much at first.” She brushed her hand gently over his. “But she creeps up on you… and before you know it, you don’t know how you got by without her.”

Simon gazed at Kaylee, frantically trying to remind himself that she was talking about the ship. Still, her words stayed with him as she shot him one last dazzling smile and bounced out of the infirmary. He watched her go.

“You know, next time the ship’s breaking down I’m going to come and watch you,” he called after her.

And as he crawled into his tiny, stiff bed that night, he could still hear her gleeful laughter ringing in his ears.