Shades of the Past – Prologue Set two months after BDM

Jayne was sitting at the table in the galley, nursing a cup of tea, when River came drifting in. There had been a time when the mug would have smelled of whiskey, but no longer. After Book’s death, Jayne had opened a letter left for him on Haven, written by Book. It was to be opened in the event of Book’s death. No one knew what the letter had said, but the changes in Jayne had been abrupt, to say the least. He no longer mouthed off to Mal, made fun of the doctor, or told raucous tales at the dinner table, nor elsewhere. Mal had commented more than once that Jayne scared him more now, than before. Jayne had ignored the comments, just as he ignored the fact that the Doctor still treated him the same way, calling him ape, or ape-man, ridiculing Jayne’s lack of education and ‘low caste birth’. It apparently never occurred to the core-bred idiot that his insults hit home with Kaylee. As a result, the little engineer no longer chased the good doctor, instead choosing to ignore him almost entirely. Jayne didn’t smirk, because he felt bad for Kaylee. And, truth be told, he was sorry she was suffering because of him. “Can’t sleep, big man?” River’s voice floated across the room to him. “Nah,” Jayne replied, a slight smile on his face. “Don’t know if it’s the medicine the Doc gave me for the shoulder or what, but I don’t sleep much lately.” “Me as well,” the little assassin nodded. She fixed her own drink, and sat beside him at the table. Both drank and reflected in silence for a while. “You know,” Jayne said suddenly, looking at the girl, “I reckon I never said thank you, River-gal, for what you did back there at Mr. Universe’s. I should have. I’m sorry you had to, but you saved us all. I’m beholden to you.” River’s eyes narrowed slightly, but she sensed nothing but sincerity from him. She shrugged. “It isn’t like I can take credit for it,” she sighed softly. “It’s. . .it’s what they made me.” She took another sip of her tea. “Whatever the way or the reason, you still saved us.” Jayne’s big hand reached out and patted her tiny one. She almost withdrew, but his hand was back on his own cup before she had the chance. Again, nothing but sincerity. “Your welcome,” she finally managed, with a weak grin. He smiled again, a sincere smile, that reached his cobalt eyes. Suddenly, tears welled in her eyes. Alarmed, Jayne reached out, a hand on her arm. “What’s wrong, River?” he asked, voice concerned. “Look, I didn’t mean to make you. . .I mean all I was trying to do was. . .” he stopped his spluttering as River shook her head. “Not you, Jayne,” she sobbed quietly. “All my fault. Wash, Preacher, all the others. All dead. All because of me. All my fault. . .” “Bi zu!” Jayne’s voice was still quiet, but hard and firm. He reached out and took the girl by her slight shoulders, forcing her to look at him. He was shocked she didn’t try and fight. “Now you listen here, girl,” he said harshly. “And I mean you listen good! Ain’t none of what happened, look at me!” Jayne’s voice raised slightly, and the girl looked again into those deep blue eyes, now burning with fury. “None, and I mean none of what happened, was your fault. You hear me? You didn’t ask anyone to take you away, and make you into something you didn’t ask to be. To be given a burden no one should have to bear, especially not a kid. You didn’t ask any of us to help, including Wash. And Book, well, he would have helped even if he’d knowed he was to die in the doin’. And been hurt if’n you hadn’t asked.” “It was the Alliance that did this, River. You hear me talking? The Alliance is to blame, and no one else. Ever drop of blood spilled on account of this is on their hands, and not yours. I never want to hear you say different again. Dong ma?” River nodded through her tears, and suddenly seemed to collapse in his arms. Jayne grabbed her without thought, and pulled into his lap, where she buried her face into his massive shoulder and cried. Jayne rocked her gently. “There ya go,” he whispered softly. “Cry, River. Anybody in the whole ‘verse got a right to cry, it’s you. Go ahead and cry it all out. No one will know but you and me.” The big man held the tiny woman for a long time, he never really knew how long, or cared. River cried her pain out that night, soaking his shirt with tears of pain and suffering, the likes of which no one her age should ever have had to know. Finally, exhausted, she fell sound asleep on his shoulder. Jayne waited a long time, until he was sure she was asleep, then eased himself out of his chair. He debated on what to do with the little woman, and finally decided to place her on the couch. He walked over to the sofa, and gently deposited her sleeping frame onto the cushions, then placed a blanket over her. Reluctant to leave her alone, Jayne eased into the chair next to her, and made himself as comfortable as possible. He’d slept in worse places. And she deserved the company. Had earned it, to his way of thinking. Jayne dozed gently as River slept her first good sleep in a long while.

Neither one saw Malcolm Reynolds standing just outside the door. The Captain had watched the entire episode. He had almost interrupted when Jayne had grabbed the girl’s shoulders, but was now glad that he hadn’t. He had tensed in anticipation when Jayne had stood, carrying the sleeping girl. Again, he had waited, and was again glad that he had. He was amazed at how gently Jayne had placed her on the old sofa, and watched almost in awe as the merc had covered the girl, then settled into the chair beside her. After a moment, Mal had turned and went silently back to his own bunk. He knew, now, that Jayne would never harm the girl. And that he owed the man some thanks of his own.

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Shades of the Past – Chapter One

In the months following the episode in the galley, Jayne and River grew to be almost inseparable, much to the consternation of her brother. The doctor was more and more agitated by the growing closeness between the two, and his attempts to aggravate Jayne grew more and more abusive. Strangely, Jayne ignored them. Not once, in the time since Miranda, had Jayne been in any way out of line. He allowed Simon’s barbs to roll of his back like water, never rising to take the bait. Finally, the rest of the crew began to see that Jayne had changed a great deal, and as a result, grew more and more displeased with Simon. Simon’s frustrations were only heightened by this, and by his failed attempts to reconcile with Kaylee. The little engineer had made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that she and the good doctor where done. Finally, with the ship well out into the black on a cargo run from Persephone, Simon went to far. The crew was at dinner. Jayne was sitting in his usual place, with River on one side, and Kaylee on the other. The three were laughing and joking quietly, and Jayne was telling a story from his own past, one where he had been the butt of an awful joke. He was laughing as hard as everyone else at the table, Inara included. “So, anyway,” Jayne said between mouthfuls, “here I am, no clothes, no money, no comms. It had to be three miles to the ship, and the cap’n wasn’t one to wait on lost crew members, or even check on them, unlike Mal. I had maybe thirty minutes to get on board, or, well, be left. So, I grab two trash can lids, one front and one back, and start sneaking through alleyways, trying to get to the docks without anyone seeing me.” “I was about halfway there, cutting through a back alley, and suddenly a door opens, and I’m standing in front of an old lady, eighty if she was a day. I’m expecting her to start yelling, maybe call the law or something, and trying to stammer my way through an explanation, when she smiles at me.” “No doubt the owner of some whore house, recognizing you,” Simon snorted suddenly, interrupting. The table went still suddenly. Mal’s eyes narrowed dangerously, but rather than address Simon, he turned to Jayne. “And?” he asked, smiling. “Well,” Jayne started, hesitating a bit. “Anyway, she smiles, right? I’m just stunned. Totally caught off guard. She smiles again, and motions for me to come inside. About that time I thought ‘no way is she thinking what I think she’s thinking’. I mean, here I am, nekkid as the day I was born. . .” “Hatched is more like it,” Simon cut in again. “No, wait. Apes are born live, Jayne. Sorry about that.” He snickered nastily at his own humor. The table again fell silent, and this time Mal didn’t let it pass. “Doctor, if you can’t pass a peaceable meal, then leave this table to those of us who can, dong ma?” Simon looked to Mal, incredulous. “You’d send me from the table, and allow this. . .this, baboon to stay?” he spluttered. “Yes, and I’m doing just that, right now,” Mal nodded, his patience gone. “Go. Tend to your infirmary, go to bed, whatever you like, but leave this table. Now.” Mal’s voice was iron. “Fine!” Simon snarled, pushing his chair back and standing. “Come, River, we’re not wanted here, it seems.” River looked up at Simon, and he was shocked to see pity in her eyes. “No one said anything about River,” Mal spoke again, his voice low. “Just you.” “If you think I’m leaving my sister here with. . .” Simon yelled, stopping when Mal stood. “River can do as she pleases,” the Captain said firmly. “She’s a woman grown, and an equal part of this crew. Now leave. This. Table. Don’t make me tell you again.” Simon looked as if he were about to erupt. He looked at River, who was still regarding him with pity, then at the rest of the crew. He found no sympathy there, either. How could they side with Jayne, of all people, against him. Didn’t they see how much better he was? Finally, throwing his napkin down on the table, he stomped out of the galley. Tension slowly left the table, as the others returned to their meal. River picked at her food, torn between loyalty to her ge ge, and to the family that had taken them in when they had nowhere left to run. The people who had shed blood over them, lost loved ones over them, and helped her to heal. “Don’t,” Jayne’s voice rumbled quietly beside her. She looked up at him, eyes wide. “I ain’t a reader,” he chuckled. “Don’t have to be to know what’s in your pretty head. You do as you please, how it suits you to do. Like Cap’n said, you’re an equal part of this crew.” River smiled, pleased at Jayne’s endorsement of her status. She was the pilot now, and an extra gunhand, when needed. She also helped sort out traps and dishonesty for Mal. She was making her own money, and had found her place. “I’m sorry, Captain,” she turned to Mal, eyes wide with sincerity. “I don’t. . .” “No need, lil albatross,” Mal stopped her, raising a hand. “I don’t know what Simon’s issues are. . .well, okay, I do, but still. He’s him, and you are you. The two of you aren’t a unit. You ain’t accountable for him, nor is he for you anymore. The two of you are equals on this boat. You want to go, you can. You want to stay and finish, you’re welcome to.” Mal’s voice indicated that the discussion was over, so far as he was concerned. “Cap’n,” Kaylee said, from Jayne’s other side. “Me and River’s been talking some, and well, we was hoping you’d sorta, well, maybe let us bunk together. Maybe we could add a bunk to my room? It’d be all kinds o’ shiny. Please?” Kaylee trotted out the puppy eyes, the look that Mal couldn’t say no to, no matter what. Mal brightened. “Now that’s a fine idea! I conjur you two would make good roomies, and be a spot o’ comp’ny to one ‘nother. Jayne, what d’ya think? Can we do that? Can you fix a bunk rack in Kaylee’s room?” “Sure thing, Captain,” Jayne nodded after a moment of thought. “Have to lower Kaylee’s rack, and then just add one on top for River. Take a few hours at most. We got a spare bunk?” “Yes,” Zoe answered that one. “Remember the bed you bought for us? The rack you took out is in storage.” Zoe had managed to say it without a look of pain on her face. Jayne and Kaylee had spent most of their money from a job on a larger rack for Wash and Zoe’s bunk for their one year anniversary, and the large merc had installed it himself. “Forgot ‘bout that, Zo’,” Jayne mumbled, looking at the table. He kicked himself mentally for not remembering. “Don’t worry about it, Jayne,” Zoe smiled softly at the look on his face, one she never expected to see. “But the rack should work.” “Well, then, that’s all settled and shiny,” Mal smiled with a nod. “‘spect you can fix that up for them tomorrow, Jayne?” When Jayne nodded, both girls squealed, hugging first Jayne, and then Mal. Mal eyed them both with mock trepidation. “Am I gonna have to listen to a lot of that sort of stuff, coming through the walls ever night?” he asked, trying to maintain a straight face. “We love our captain!” both girls chanted at once, and then flew from the room, headed for Kaylee’s bunk to see what they could do. Jayne smiled as he watched them go, and shook his head. He looked at Mal with a grin. “Glad they ain’t next to me, Captain. Reckon you’ll be up walking the halls now.” Mal, Zoe and Inara all laughed at that. “Be worth it, to see them two act a bit more sprite,” Mal said, his laugh dying off. He turned serious then. “Jayne, I know that Simon has been riding you hard, and I’m reckoning I owe you a thank you for not taking his head off afore now. And an apology for not stoppin’ it sooner.” Jayne shook his head. “Owe me no such thing, Captain,” the big man replied quietly. “I needled ol’ doc right good before. Only gettin’ some of his own back, I expect. And it ain’t your doing, to apologize for either. Don’t let it bother you. I don’t.” With that Jayne went back to his meal. Zoe and Inara exchanged glances, and Mal joined in. Everyone knew how different Jayne was since Miranda, but this was. . .Jayne was actually taking the blame for Simon mouthing off at him? Mal looked at Zoe, then to Inara, and nodded his head toward the bridge, a clear signal that he wanted them to leave him and Jayne alone. Both women excused themselves, and the First Mate and ex-Companion started out of the room, talking about dresses. Mal waited until their voices were distant, then considered his mercenary. Was mercenary even the right term anymore? Mal wondered. Jayne hadn’t mentioned money in a long time. In fact he hadn’t mentioned much of anything since before Miranda.

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Shades of the Past – Chapter Two

Once again, all the credit for Firefly goes to the man himself, Joss. I wish I were him, or at least living in his ‘verse.

“Jayne, I ain’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth,” Mal started, and Jayne gave the Captain his undivided attention. “I just. . .Jayne, I gotta know, what’s come over you?” “I don’t understand,” Jayne replied, his face contorted into a frown. “You ain’t, I mean. . .” Mal trailed off, at a loss to ask what he wanted to know. “I ain’t myself?” the bigger man asked, with a wry grin. “Well, to put it on the point, yeah,” Mal nodded seriously. “I ain’t saying in no way that I don’t appreciate it, Jayne. I just can’t help be. . .curious is all.” Jayne nodded his understanding, leaning back into his chair. “Ever look at yourself in the mirror, Mal?” Jayne asked, using Mal’s name for the first time in a long while. Lately it was strictly Captain. “Huh?” Mal blinked at the apparent non-sequitur. “Course I have!” “Ever looked into the mirror, and hated the man looking back?” Jayne’s voice was calm, and steady. Mal realized that the big man was as serious as he knew how to be. “Not. . .hated, exactly,” Mal answered uneasily. “I ain’t always proud of the man looking back at me, though.” It was a big admission for him, but Mal figured if Jayne was going to be honest, he owed the same back. “I been a lot o’ places, Mal,” Jayne said somberly. “Don’t matter where. I left home when I was fourteen. Why don’t matter, it’s the what came after. I woke up a little when Book was onboard. Not completely, mind, but a good bit. We talked a lot. You know, I’m guessing, that Book wasn’t always a Shepard.” Mal nodded. Book had said as much to him on more than one occasion. “Well, I wasn’t always a mercenary,” Jayne said flatly. “Truth is, I used to be a decent sorta fella. Maybe not someone as you’d like to see with the likes o’ Kaylee or River, but I wasn’t a bad sort.” He looked at the table, hands running up and down the wood. “Things happen, though,” he continued after a pause for reflection. “Things change a man. ‘Spect you know something o’ that your ownself.” Mal nodded again, thinking about the changes the war had made in him, especially after Serinity. “After a while,” Jayne went on, “you lose sight o’ things. You quit caring, ‘bout anyone, or anything. You lose people you care for, you don’t replace’em. ‘Fraid you might lose them too. You stop looking for a place to call home, and settle for a place to be. Anyplace, sometimes.” He looked up suddenly. “Book says everything that happens, happens for a reason. I ‘spect he’s right. Everything that happened to me led me to you the day I shot Marco and joined your crew. But I couldn’t see that. Not then. All I could see was a bunk all my own, and a better cut. That’s the only things that mattered to me, then.” He shrugged. “‘Spect that’s true of more’n me. Might have been true for you, once, before you got this ship, and took on responsibility for others aside from yourself.” “Back on Ariel, you know what I did. Never told you why, just let you assume it was the money. But that wasn’t so.” “When I came aboard you told me flat out, Kaylee wasn’t for the likes of me,” he chuckled. “And you were right to. I ain’t never forced a woman, and never will. Ever. Kill myself first, or let another do it for me. But your orders didn’t keep me from lovin’ her. Not like that,” he added with a snort at Mal’s frown, “but like. . .more like family. She reminded me of. . .a better time. A time I can’t ever have again. A place I can’t ever be again.” “When Simon and River came aboard, and Kaylee was shot, it was like. . .well, it was like reliving the past, I’ll just say that. Then the Doc stands there arguing with you while she’s bleeding to death. There’s only twice in my life I wanted to kill a man so bad, Mal. Both long ago. Here she was, laying there dying because o’ him, and him a doctor, blackmailing you for her life.” Mal studied the look in Jayne’s eyes carefully, suddenly realizing many things. One of which was to stay quiet and let Jayne keep talking. “When things were done, I expected you to throw him off the ship. But you didn’t. Seemed like there was no kind of evenin’ for what he did to her. And, because I decided that you wouldn’t do what I considered right, I turned him in. To punish him for what he did to her. Didn’t care ‘bout the money, then nor now. Just justice. A reckoning, if you will, for what he did.” He paused again, and looked away. “When I seen what had been done to River, I like to cried. That girl had been so mistreated, so. . .wronged, that I ain’t got words for it. But by then I’d done it. That’s why I didn’t leave him there. Didn’t have nothing to do with saving myself. Could o’ done that easy without saving them. But wasn’t no way I was leaving that girl to the people who did that to her. Whatever her brother deserved, and far as I’m concerned he still does, she didn’t. She annoys the hell out o’ me even now, and she’s mostly sane,” he laughed softly, “but no child deserves anything like what she went through.” “After that, I guess I started to consider Jayne some. Book helped me. Never saw a man so set not to judge another, and it got me to thinking. Who was I to be doin the judgin’ of another man my ownself? Who was I to be making decisions like that? Doc was doing what he thought right by his family, what he could with what he had, and it wasn’t much.” “Gotta respect that in a man, I do. I done near the same once, only it was too late.” He stopped, and Mal watched as Jayne seemed to struggle with himself, as if deciding whether he had gone too far or not. Finally he continued. “My behavior was always a sore spot before. I won’t apologize for it, cause I did it to keep people from gettin’ too close ta me. I was scared to make friends, cause I tended to lose them again. So I became. . .someone noone wanted to be friends with. Easier that way. Safer that way. I decided somewhere along the line that I couldn’t go through it again, and not just turn into a stone killer.” He stopped for a moment, looking at the table intently. “But it didn’t help none, anyway,” he said, looking up again, and Mal was shocked to see Jayne’s eyes wet with unshed tears. “Ole Book, he managed to worm his way under my skin, and be my friend whether I wanted him too or not. He seemed to know what a body needed, even when they didn’t know themselves.” “And then, he died. And Wash died. I never really was friends with Wash, but I had a heap o’ respect for that man. More’n once I wished I’da told him that. Can’t now, course. More’n once I wished it had been me, stead of him that got speared. When I do, I usually hear Book’s voice telling me things happen for a reason.” “If I had died, ‘stead o’ Wash, then maybe the rest would’a too. Wash was a great pilot, probably the best ever, anywhere. But he weren’t much on fightin’. He might not could’a done as well as I did. It was touch and go until River kicked into her crazy killer girl gear.” He leaned back again, looking up to the ceiling, almost smiling. Almost. “That got me to thinking on things again. First time in a long time. If I lived, when I deserved to die, and Wash died when he deserved to live, then there had to be a reason. Book had to be right, there had to be a reason.” He lowered his head again, and looked at Mal. “All I can figure is that this is where I’m sposed ta be. Don’t know why, but I am. And I’m sposed to look out for you. All of ya. And I aim to do just that. For as long as I’m able. And try to make me living and Wash and Book dying mean something more than just me still breathin’.” Jayne fell silent finally, and Mal considered the big man for a long time. He’d never heard Jayne talk so much in one sitting, and it was a lot to process. Mal had never given a thought to Jayne’s past other than when it might cause him trouble. He’d never bothered to wonder what had made the big man like he was. He was ashamed as he realized he’d never cared. “That’s. . .a lot to process, Jayne,” Mal finally offered into the silence between them. “Conjur it took a lot for you ta tell me that.” Jayne just shrugged. “I think, once we set down on Argo, we need to find us a bar, and get stone drunk,” Mal continued. “It don’t cure nothing, but it sometimes helps just to forget.” Jayne grinned, and nodded. “Sounds like a plan,” the big man agreed. “Don’t drink on board no more, but hittin’ a bar sounds right nice.” “I notice you don’t. . .er. . . visit the ladies anymore, either,” Mal said. “Any reason for that?” Mal tried to keep his voice from sounding suspicious, but Jayne just shrugged, un-offended. “Not as yet,” he admitted. “But I don’t seem to have the same fears I used to. Figure a man might one day come across just the right one, and make himself a home somewhere or another. Even on a ship, comes to that. I’m tired of being that man, Mal. Tired o’ running.” Mal nodded, standing. “I’m right glad to hear that, Jayne. And I’m glad you felt like you could share that with me. Won’t go no further, even to Zoe. Okay?” “Fine,” Jayne nodded, his attitude suggesting he wasn’t concerned about it either way. He stood as well. “Think I’ll turn in, Captain,” he said, picking up once again the formality that he had dropped during the discussion. “Me too, once I get the old girl to sleep,” Mal nodded. “Night, Jayne.”

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---------- Shades of the Past – Chapter Three

Joss is the man, and owns it all! I’m just playing, working for the love of it, and not money. Thanks for the shiny toys, Joss!

The day after the ‘dinner’ incident, Simon was busy re-organizing his infirmary, still furious over last night’s events. He was so engrossed in his fuming, he didn’t notice River walk in behind him. “You’re a boob, Simon.” The doctor screeched, jumping clear off the floor, and whirling on his sister. “Don’t do that!” he didn’t quite scream. “You’re a boob,” River repeated, eyeing him sternly. “It’s time to stop, Simon. Stop being a boob, and start being Simon.” “Well, if Simon is a boob, then how can he stop?” Simon shot back. River smiled then, and Simon deflated. She was right. “Of course I’m right,” River said airily. “I’m a genius. Practically never wrong. It’s time to think about what’s really bothering you, Simon, and stop taking your moods out on Jayne. Whether you want to see it or not, Jayne has changed, and for the better. That means you, too, must change. At least where he is concerned.” “Why are you so fascinated with him?” Simon tried to keep the whine from his voice. He really didn’t want to fight with his sister. Her behavior the previous night had stung him. It had also, he admitted, forced him to examine his own behavior. River had always been loyal to him, even to a fault. If she had seen him as wrong the previous evening, then he had to at least accept the fact that he might have been wrong. “I’m not fascinated by him, silly,” River placed her hand on his arm, squeezing warmly. “But he is my friend, Simon. He helped me. Helped me escape from the burden of guilt over so much death and destruction on my behalf. Willing or not, wanting or not, many, many, people died because of me. It was a great weight, Simon and it was crushing me. Suffocating me.” Simone frowned at that. Since Miranda, he’d rarely had to give River meds, other than the standard cocktail he had finally settled on that helped her function almost normally. There were times when she was ‘less there’, as she called it, but there had been no episodes since Miranda. Lately she had talked normally, acted normally, practically been the sister he had so missed. “Jayne is my friend, Simon,” River repeated. “Faced his greatest fear to help me. Held me when I cried in the night, and watched over me while I slept, to make sure I was safe, and wouldn’t wake up alone.” Simon went red at that. “What did he do, River! Why was he. . .” “Stop it!” River screamed. Not in terror, or pain, as she once would have, but in plain, old fashioned annoyance. “Stop it, Simon. Nothing wrongful has happened, or will. Jayne would sleep in a chair, while I slept on the sofa. So that if I woke in the night, I wouldn’t be alone. That’s all. Jayne has no interest in me, Simon, other than as a friend.” Her voice held an almost wistful note at that, which Simon chose to ignore. “I fail to see how an illiterate, half-ape man could help you when. . .” he began. “When you couldn’t?” River finished for him, smiling sadly. “Because he listened, Simon, when I talked. When I cried. Instead of running to get a syringe filled with enough sedative to make me sleep for a day, trapped in a nightmare. He didn’t ignore me when I said I wasn’t crazy, I was confused. He didn’t ignore me when I said I didn’t need medicine, I just needed help.” Simon stopped short on that one, his eyes dropping to the floor. He had always thought, no, he’d always believed, that the key to fixing his sister was a proper dose of medicines, along with sedatives to stop her episodes of insanity. He had never listened to her when she tried to talk to him about her treatment. He was the doctor. He knew what was best. Reflecting, he recalled very few times when he’d tried to make sense of what River said when she was. . .confused. She had told him once that she could hear in her mind clearly what she wanted to say, but the words always came out wrong. His face reddened as he recalled his response. A syringe with enough sedative to make her sleep at least twelve hours. Tears flowed unbidden to his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. He looked up at his sister, and his face was a study of contrition, sorrow, and self-loathing. “I. . .I’m so sorry, River,” he managed to stammer. “I thought. . .” “You thought you could fix her,” River’s sad smile played across her face again. “It’s okay, Simon. I can’t be ‘fixed’, just helped. But you did save me, Simon. You came for me when I was lost, and hurting, so alone, and so very afraid. You did that Simon. And you loved me, even broken. And that’s enough, Simon. It’s more than enough. You gave up a very good life to save me, ge ge, and I love you so much for that and everything else you’ve done for me.” She stepped forward and embraced him. “Now, please, give me back the brother who saved me.”

Jayne was lifting weights when Simon found him. The big man was working harder than ever, and his already formidable bulk had increased. Simon studied the mercenary carefully, as he struggled with more weight than was probably safe. Just when Simon was sure the weight would crush the man, Jayne grunted loudly and pressed the weight above him again, letting it come to rest in the rack above him. When Jayne sat up and grabbed his towel, he saw Simon. “Evening, Doc,” Jayne nodded amiably. Simon started, not expecting the man to speak to him at all, let alone in a friendly manner. “Jayne,” Simon nodded back, and walked across the bay to stand near the bench. He stood there for a full two minutes, trying to gather his thoughts about him. Finally, Jayne simply looked up at him. “Something on yer mind, Doc?” he asked politely. The words broke the spell of silence, and Simon nodded. “I owe you an apology, Jayne,” Simon said without preamble. “I’ve been a complete ass to you of late, and you haven’t deserved it.” “Sure I have, Simon,” Jayne answered with a chuckle, surprising Simon. “I treated you pretty bad for a long time. And you mostly took it, seems to me. Gotta be a evening of the balance somewhere. Reckon this is it.” Simon shook his head negatively. “Your actions, right or wrong, are no excuse for my behavior, Jayne,” Simon argued. Jayne shrugged. “Had a lot on your plate, Doc,” he said after a minute. “Sometimes it boils over. Nothing to be ashamed of. Ain’t a man alive sometimes don’t get saddled with more than he can carry. You been carrying a heavy weight for a long time. Ain’t natural a man don’t get tired after a while, and I reckon you got to be tired.” Simon gaped, at a complete loss for words. He’d never expected to hear anything of the sort from Jayne Cobb. “Look, Doc,” Jayne continued. “I don’t like you. Never have, and like as not, I won’t like you any in the future, though the future ain’t set in stone, as Book liked to say. But that’s my problem. Mine, and not yours. It ain’t my place to judge you, for good or bad. So, I’m gonna accept you as you are, Simon. We’re too different I reckon, to be real friends. But I ‘spect we can be shipmates easy enough. If you’re willing.” Jayne rose, and offered his hand to Simon, a sign of respect. Simon took the pro-offered hand carefully, but Jayne simply grasped the hand briefly and released it. “Jayne, I don’t know what to say,” Simon admitted. “Say ‘okay’, Doc. Or not,” Jayne shrugged. “I’m gonna treat you as a shipmate whether you treat me that way or not, Simon. Whatever you decided won’t change that, so be honest with me, and with yourself.” “You know, I had this whole speech thought out,” Simon sputtered. “About how I’d been an ass, how I was wrong. Now here I am, trying to do the right thing, as least as far as I can see the right thing at this point, and you just up and say don’t worry over it! That’s. . .” “Not fair?” Jayne asked with a grin. “Mebbe not, Doc. But there ain’t no call for any apology. Least not to me. I earned everything you said about me, and probably then some. Can’t be sure of that, o’ course. Don’t rightly know what you been saying behind my back.” His grin robbed the words of their sting. “But I’m done keeping score, Simon. Done trying to be one up on you, or anyone else. I just plain don’t care for it no more.” “You being here has saved us all at least once, to my way o’ thinking. More than once for most of us. Me included. You pull your weight, and that really oughta be all that matters. So far as I’m concerned, it is.” Simon didn’t know what stunned him more. That he and Jayne were actually having a civil conversation, or that the larger man had stated that Simon pulled his weight. “Jayne, I. . .thank you,” was all he could manage. “No thanks needed, Doc,” Jayne said, throwing his towel over his shoulder. “We have to look out for one another. Ain’t got no one else to do it.” “That’s true,” Simon nodded. “And you have been looking out for us, Jayne. You went along with us to Miranda, and then to Mister Universe’s, and never said a word. I never even said thanks for that.” “Like I said, no thanks are needed. We’re shipmates. We’re all in this together. Was my fight as much as yours. Now, all this bonding is really nice, but I’m bushed. I’m gonna hit the shower, then the rack. Night, Simon.” Jayne started toward the stairs. “Night, Jayne.” Simon watched the man go, and decided that, yes, his mei-mei was a genius. She had seen there was perhaps more to Jayne than the big man allowed to show. Or he had simply changed. Either way, Simon felt as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Now, if only facing Mal would be as simple.

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Shades of the Past Chapter Four – The Letter All previous disclaimers in this story still apply. As does the wish that Firefly will return.

It was never so easy with Mal, Simon decided, seeing the scowl on the Captain’s face as he approached the infirmary. Man was too stubborn, too inclined to. . .be like me, Simon decided, with a shake of his head and a wry grin. “Wanted to see me?” Mal said gruffly, standing in the infirmary door. “Yes, Mal, I did,” Simon nodded, pointing to a chair. “Please, sit.” “Don’t feel much like socializing, Simon,” Mal refused with a shake of his head. “You need somethin’?” With a sigh, Simon stood. No, never easy with Mal. “I wanted to apologize for my recent behavior, Captain,” Simon started. “Seems to me it’s Jayne you oughta be talking to, and not me,” Mal pointed out. “I’ve already spoken to Jayne,” Simon informed him, secretly reveling in the look of shock that admission brought to the Captain’s face. Take that! he thought wryly. “I’m su’prised to see ya still in one piece, that bein’ the case,” Mal replied. “So was I, at first,” Simon sighed, taking his seat again. “But, somewhere, between here and. . .somewhere else,” Simon waved broadly at his generalization, “Jayne seems to have. . .evolved I guess I would have said, before last night.” He smiled to show there was no intent in his words. Mal said nothing, his face betraying nothing after the brief shock that Simon had talked to Jayne. “Look, Captain, I have no excuse for my behavior,” Simon said simply. “I suppose I could blame it on pressure, or feelings of failure, or any number of things. I would love to blame it on the fact that my sister has become friends with a man that I once wouldn’t have spared a second glance outside a hospital. Or the way things came apart between Kaylee and I. The list is endless, I guess.” He sighed deeply, then continued. “But none of that is grounds for my behavior at dinner last evening. I was not just out of line, but flat wrong. I was so intent on hating Jayne that I never even considered that he might. . .well, be capable of being not Jayne.” Simon broke off, frustrated by his inability to say what he wanted. Mal took pity on him. “S’alright, Doc,” he said with a chuckle. “‘Spect you ain’t alone in that. Knowed Jayne a sight longer than you have, and it shocked me too. He’s always been that way, up till mebbe a few days afore we hit Miranda. I figured when he didn’t stay at Haven rather than go through Reaver space, he’d had some kinda. . .change, I guess.” “Likely it was Book dyin’ that triggered it. Jayne and Book was close. Lots closer than any of us realized I’m thinking nowadays. Jayne ain’t never been one to cultivate friends, not since I been knowing ‘im. But him and Book. . .” Mal shrugged, unable to explain it further. “Yes,” Simon nodded. “I always wrote Book’s treatment of Jayne off as the Shepard in him, refusing to allow himself to give up. But it was more than that, I think, now that I’ve had time to reflect on it. All of us lost, some more than others. But I think Book’s death was much harder on Jayne than he ever allowed any of us to see.” “Was a letter,” Mal said suddenly. “Found it in Book’s effects, addressed to Jayne. Wasn’t to be opened until his death. Don’t think Book knew what would happen, he was just a careful man, s’all. That letter seemed to shake Jayne up some. He ain’t never shared what it said. Don’t ‘spect he ever will. But I’m thinking it’s the cause of the transformation we been seein’ in Jayne.” “Well, whatever did it, I saw last night that the change is real,” Simon said quietly. “Jayne told me that I didn’t owe him an apology, that he had ‘earned’ anything I’d ever said to or about him. Called it an ‘evening of the balance’.” “He’s used that phrase afor,” Mal nodded, thinking back to his own discussion with the mercenary. “Jayne’s big on things being set to right. Something you got cause to be thankful for, Simon,” Mal added as an afterthought. “Yes, that’s so,” Simon nodded. He stood again, looking Mal in the eye. “Again, Captain, I am sorry. I hope that I can make it up. . .” Simon broke off as Mal raised a hand. “You had a lot goin’ on of late, Simon,” he said gruffly. “Man can’t bear a load like yours ‘thout some of it boiling over on occasion. Let it lie, and don’t let it happen again, and we’re shiny.” “Jayne said much the same to me, last night,” Simon smiled. “Amazing how smart he can be, when I actually listen.” “Jayne’s got a heap o’ sense, when he chooses to employ it,” Mal laughed. “Maybe he’ll keep on doin’ it.”

Jayne was in his bunk, sitting on his bed while Mal and Simon were talking. He was holding a piece of paper in his hands, still folded. The big man looked at it for a very long time, noting the creases, and more than a few small stains of sweat, or gun oil, or whatever had been on his hands at times past when he felt the need to read the letter over again. He should have known it by heart now, he reasoned. And maybe he did. But when he read the piece again, it always helped him to remember Book’s voice. Reading the letter was almost like Book talking to him. Something he missed. He carefully opened the pages, and sat back, studying the last words that Shepard Book had had for him.

Sean, Don’t look so surprised. I know who you really are, always have, since my first day on board. Don’t worry, I’ve told no one, and I won’t. You’ll be wondering how I know, I expect. The answer is simple. I was sent to kill you once. You know who I am, who I was, so it shouldn’t come as a surprise. Though I do wish I could have seen your face when you found that out. I actually looked for you for a very long time, Sean. Had you in my sights once, on Belaise. It was near the old monument, if you remember it. There was an old beggar there, and you stopped to give him your own meal. Sausage and eggs, as I recall. It was a good meal, in case you ever wondered. That meal saved your life, Sean, that day. And my soul. I was, at that time, as hard hearted as you were. I thought of nothing except my next target, which at the time, was you. You were the worst, you know. As cold and efficient a killing machine as I had ever seen. And yet, here you were, giving up your own meal to help someone you didn’t even know. Made me think, Sean, for the first time in a great many years. If you, the most hunted assassin on the Alliance’s hit list, could do something like that, then there had to be some good left in you. And if there was good left in you, then maybe there was in me as well. I decided to see if I could find my own offering. I actually blamed you for my retirement. Claimed that you were too elusive for me, that I couldn’t seem to figure out how to get you. That I must be too old to be of use anymore. There was commiseration all around for me, people telling me that I was as good as ever, it was just a tough target. You know how people are. But it was all a lie, anyway. I took my retirement, and drifted for a while, found myself at odds and ends. Then one day, I was standing in front of the Abbey. Can’t remember to this day how I came to be there. Wrote it off to senility at the time. But I went inside, Sean, and it was a long time until I came out again. On my way to make amends, I told myself. I doubt you can imagine my surprise when I walked onto Serenity, and there you were. I almost told you then, but I could see that the Captain and Zoe had no idea you had served, and you were adamant that you hadn’t. Why I didn’t tell you later, I don’t know. It just never seemed like a good time. I knew you were struggling, Sean, just as I had. And I knew that you would have to find your way, the same as I did. I tried to help, subtly, but in the end, I realized that you had to do it on your own. You aren’t the kind to accept help, however well meaning. I know that because I’m the same way. We’re not quite peas in a pod, Sean, but we are more alike than not. If you’re reading this, then I’m gone. There’s no telling how, ‘verse is a strange place, and all manner of things can happen. I wrote this for that time, to tell you these things I never told you when I was here. I guess I should have, but time has a way of getting away from us. I know what haunts you, and I’m sorry. It’s not much consolation, but it’s all I have to offer you. What happened to you was wrong, something that never should have been. But in a way, finding out was a blessing for me, because it helped me to see what could turn a fourteen year old boy into the most fearsome hunter in the ‘verse. To see what drove you to the edge of reason. I wish. . . Well, wishes aren’t horses, or we’d be eating steak, as you like to say. You know, I’m sure, that there are those who will never stop looking for you. Wearing your hair short was very smart, as few would expect you to cut it. But take heed; there will always be men who watch for you. You know that, but I feel it bears repeating. The touch with the mail is a good one as well. It will help throw off all but the most determined searchers. But never doubt that some will be determined. You are older now, though not as old as you pretend. You are much larger, as well. And you hide the gracefulness of your movements. All these are good ideas, and you have done well. Never lower your guard. I know you hesitate to make friends, and why. But I’d like to think I was your friend. Know that you were mine. I owe you a debt I can never repay. Inside you will find a key, and a number. Some of it is ill-gotten, I guess, but it’s yours to do with as you please. Consider it just compensation for the hell you were put through by the Alliance. Most of it is theirs, anyway. Poetic Justice, so far as I’m concerned. No amount of money can return to you that which was taken, so use it to build the life that was denied you. Take care of the crew, Sean. I fear there are rough times ahead for them, and they are not so strong as they like to believe. They have not lived as you and I did, not even Mal and Zoe. I know your dislike for Simon, but try and see past the man you hate, and the reason you hate him. She wouldn’t like it, and you know that. Try and see him as the man who sacrificed everything for his the love of a sibling. The very thing you were denied. Take care of yourself, my son. I know you think that’s what you’re best at, but allow an old man some leniency in his last words. You aren’t so strong as you believe, either. Don’t always walk the ‘verse alone, Sean. Take it from an old man who mostly did. It gets old, and fills you with regrets that weigh you down. Remember what I have said. Look for your own meal, and when you eat it, I pray it does for you, what yours did, for me. We’ll see each other again, I’m sure. I know my way isn’t your own, but I have to believe that there really is that better world. Not here, perhaps, but somewhere. If there is any justice, you and I will one day share a meal where the truth lies between us, and two friends can eat and talk and enjoy each other’s company in peace. May the Lord walk with you, my boy, as He has with me, Book

Jayne carefully folded the letter once again, returning it first to the envelope it had rested in, and then to a small lockbox, which he placed into the duffel under his bed. He lay back then, dimming the light, reflecting, as always, on the life he had led, and the choices he had made. Finally, as he fell sleepy, he let the tears that no one would ever see fall from his eyes, and cursed the ‘verse that had taken yet another father from him.

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Shades of the Past – Chapter Five I know it’s old, but the disclaimer is still the same. I don’t own’em, just like to move’em around a little.

Dinner that night, while not up to the standards of the old pre-Miranda days, was still much better than the night before. While only the three men, and River of course who knew nearly everything, knew exactly what had happened, it was evident to the other women that something had. The air of friendly acceptance was not feigned. There was a genuine warmth at the table, and everyone was enjoying heckling Jayne about his cooking. “I swear, Jayne,” Mal complained, “last time I smelled something like this, I think it had been dead for days, and lying in the hot sun.” “I ran across something like this once, on Diomede,” Inara piped up. “It was at small Yaquay restaurant. I was a little timid at first, but after tasting it, I decided the smell was worth it.” Inara smiled at Jayne, and he grinned back. “Well, I doubt that mine will be that good, except maybe for the bread.” With that he placed a basket on the table heaping with golden brown heaps of bread. “What is that, Jayne?” Kaylee asked, taking one, and nibbling on it. “It’s called fry bread, lil Kaylee,” Jayne answered over his shoulder. “Make the dough up, let it rise, then deep fry it in oil.” He returned to the table with a large bowl of what Mal thought of as stir fry. “This,” Jayne said, “is the source of the smell, or at least the by product. Meat had to be cooked a certain way, sorry ‘bout that,” he offered in way of explanation. “And ‘this’ would be?” River asked, eyeing the bowl with trepidation. “Well, it’s the fixings for Indian Tacos,” Jayne informed her lightly, adding other bowls full of lettuce, tomatoes, and grated cheese. “You fix everything atop the bread, and eat it like you would a normal taco, or with a fork, whichever you prefer.” “Jayne, where did you get this stuff?” Zoe asked suddenly. “I went on the supply run with Kaylee, and we didn’t get anything like this.” “Persephone,” Jayne shrugged. “I went out and picked it up while everyone was doing this and that.” “That’s where you went?” Kaylee asked suddenly, eyes shining. “I thought. . .” She broke off, aware that her face was turning red. Jayne laughed. “S’okay, Kaylee. What else would you think, considering it was me?” His smile took any sting from the words, and Kaylee punched him lightly on the arm. “Jayne,” she scolded. “You bought all this?” Mal asked, eyes wide. When Jayne nodded, Mal looked at the feast again. “Set you back a lot of coin, I conjure.” “Not so much,” Jayne shrugged. “Gotta know how to haggle,” he added with a grin. Everyone laughed at that, having heard Kaylee go on about Jayne’s ability to get what she called the ‘big, intimidatin’ man’ discount when she was looking for parts for the ship. “Jayne, this is really good,” Simon said, having tried the meal while everyone else was talking. “I mean really good. Is this beef?” Everyone tensed as Simon spoke, but Jayne simply nodded. “Yeah. Old times they made it with buf’lo I guess, but beef is a might easier to come by.” Simon chuckled at that. “I expect it would be,” he nodded. “You’ll make someone a fine wife one day, Jayne, with cooking like this.” Again the rest of the table tensed, then jumped when Jayne bellowed out a laugh. “That’s a good one, Doc,” Jayne said between laughs. “I can just see that.” Everyone else joined in the laughter, surprised, but pleasantly so. Kaylee gave Simon a very regarding look, then returned to her meal. “Jayne, this is as good as the restaurant I was talking about,” Inara said from down the table. “You have outdone yourself.” Jayne flushed slightly as other praise came from his crew mates. He hadn’t been sure he could do it, after all these years. He was glad they liked it. “Ever’body eat up!” he encouraged. “Got another little surprise after this ‘un.” Everyone dug into the delicious meal, talking and bantering with each other. Mal listened with a contented sigh. For once, everyone was in a good mood, and getting along. It was a wonderful thing, he noted, and sure not to last. He meant to simply enjoy it while it lasted. As the meal finished, Jayne stood at went back to the kitchen. “Hope ya’ll saved a little bit o’ room fer desert,” he announced, returning with a plate piled high with sweet cakes, and a bowl of what could only be. . . “Strawberries!” Kaylee squealed in delight, looking at the makings for strawberry shortcake. “Yep,” Jayne smiled smugly. “And ‘for you cry, there’s another basket. I put’em in yer locker. All yours, by the way,” he added with a grin. Kaylee squealed again, and shot to her feet, giving Jayne a wet, happy kiss on the cheek. Mal would have sworn Jayne blushed. He didn’t say it out loud, of course. No sense ruining this fine meal by getting his head knocked off.

River watched the by play from her spot at the table with a sigh. Simon didn’t scowl when Kaylee kissed Jayne, but his eyes had a little pained look that no one else saw but her. She and Kaylee had spoken about Simon a good bit since they had started bunking together. Kaylee had made it clear to River that she and Simon, as a couple, just wasn’t meant to be. She had been sad about it, River saw. Kaylee had been moon eyed over Simon for so long that she had a hard time, even now, realizing that she and the doctor just weren’t cut out for one another. Simon, too late, had realized that Kaylee wasn’t always going to be there. While his half hearted attempts had been well meant, the damage was too far gone. One too many comments about rim worlder’s, poor education and so on, had taken their toll. Simon had never meant those things to hurt Kaylee, but the mechanic was just as much rim bred as Jayne had been. The remarks cut her just as deep, for all that they were aimed somewhere else. Poor Simon. Neglected the orchid to get the weed. Now the weed was about to take the orchid away. River sighed at that too, this one for herself. She had become very close to Jayne over the last few months. The two of them trained together, worked together. A few times she had actually gone to his bunk after a nightmare. Then one night, after Jayne had done some work in her room, the nightmares stopped. She hadn’t had one since. As they had grown closer, River had become confused about her feelings for Jayne. She regarded him as a friend, almost from the first night when she had cried herself to sleep on his shoulder. Someone she could come to who would listen, and not dismiss. Not judge. Not even tell her he understood how she felt, when no one possibly could. It had been refreshing. And comforting. Something that had been in short supply in her life for a very long time. Jayne had occasionally come back to the ship with a gift for her since then. One was the pistol she wore when working. Small but powerful, Jayne had searched long and hard to find the right balance between size and firepower. He had said nothing to her, other than ‘tools gotta be up to the job’. She had never been so proud of any gift. But in all that time, there was never even a hint of romantic intent. None. When she’d tried to read him, she hit a solid wall. The only thoughts she could get were those of hazy friendship. Unfortunately, she was afraid she might be feeling more attached to Jayne than he was to her. It was silly, she told herself. Jayne was nearly twice her age, after all, and a hard bitten mercenary. But, had she remained on Osiris, she might easily have been married off to a man even older than Jayne. Not for love, but in a simple business arrangement. Now? Now she was free to pick whom she pleased, and it was a liberating feeling. But there were problems, of course. She wasn’t completely sane, and never would be. And then there was the teeny problem of her being a living weapon, one capable of great violence without warning. It would take a strong man to handle that. River knew, without doubt, that Jayne was such a man. She warned herself not to base her feelings on that along. After all, gratitude might easily be confused with love. And she was grateful to Jayne. He had helped her through the dark times after Miranda, something she could never have done without him. But now, as she felt the twinge of pain when Kaylee kissed his rugged jaw, and saw the blush on his handsome features, she realized it was more than gratitude. She was reluctant to call it love, even now. Yet, she knew that her heart often pounded in her ears when he was around. Her breath became shallow sometimes, as well. Suddenly overwhelmed by her thoughts, she stood abruptly. “Jayne, this was wonderful,” she said with a smile. “I think I’m going to go lie down a while, and read. Thank you, again, Jayne, for supper.” He smiled and nodded his answer, mouth full of strawberry shortcake. River left the room slowly, careful not to give herself away. She would talk to Inara, she resolved as she opened the hatch to the bunk she now shared with Kaylee. Inara would know what she was feeling. Know how to help her.

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