The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 4 – Shindig

“Kaylee, Kaylee!” His voice came from a distant part of her mind but she knew it was Simon and he didn’t sound happy.

“Kaylee, wake up,” he said and his voice sounded cold, none of the warmth and love he usually had for her. She didn’t want to wake up, wanted to stay in this warm place, because she knew he had found her reading his journal, and he was mad. But there was no avoiding him, and she knew this had to be dealt with and it was all her own fault. She should have known better and should have put the journal away after she had realized what it was. Slowly she opened her eyes.

She was in bed, in their room, not on the sofa in the passenger lounge. As she tried to get her bearings she focused on Simon standing over her in a doctor’s gown. Something wasn’t quite right.

“Kaylee, I want a divorce,” he said and his cold voice chilled her to the marrow of her bones. “You’ve invaded my privacy. I cannot forgive you.”

“Simon! Wait! I can explain!” she cried as she sat up in the bed, her head spinning from all that was happening.

He didn’t even look at her. “I’m late for the hospital. When I get back I want you and your things gone.”

“Simon! I love you!” she cried.

“Then you shouldn’t have read my journal. You’ve ruined everything,” he said and walked out the door in his gown and with his doctor’s bag in his hand.

She lay on the bed and cried and cried until she felt there were no more tears to be found in the ‘verse and then she drifted off to sleep…

“Kaylee, Kaylee!” came the voice again, but this time it wasn’t Simon. She opened her eyes and there was Mal, gently touching her shoulder.

She was on the sofa in the lounge and the red book was open across her chest. Mal stood over her.

“Hey, little Kaylee. What you doing here? You and the doc have a fight?’ he said.

Kaylee sat up quickly and the book fell to the floor. Mal reached to pick it up but she quickly grabbed it and held it to her chest. He stood back a little surprised at her reaction.

“No, Capt’n. Didn’t fight…just got up to have some tea and fell asleep here I guess. What time is it?” She asked

“Morning, or would be morning if we had a sunrise and birds singing. About 7am, ship’s time….” Mal said but before he could finish Kaylee gave a little gasped and ran past him, to the passenger rooms.

She paused at their door, moving the book behind her back, then slowly she opened it a crack. Whew! He was still sleeping! She inched in slowly, tip toed to the desk and put the book there.

“Morning,” he said and she almost died of fright.

“I wasn’t doing anything! Honest!” Kaylee let out before she released how stupid and guilty it made her feel and look.

“Ah, OK” he mumbled, confusion in his sleepy eyes. Simon’s hair was tousled, his eyes squinting at her. Maybe he didn’t notice, she thought. She walked over to him and gave him a little kiss.

“Morning dear, “ she said. He grinned and yawn, Kaylee catching a slight whiff of morning breath. She wrinkled her nose and he smiled.

“Guess I should brush my teeth before I give you your good morning kiss,” he said as he crawled out from under the covers.

“It’s not that bad,” she kidded and she kissed him anyway to make him feel better. It wasn’t that bad and she loved kissing him…but not too much in the morning.

He stood, and stretched and looked at his desk, face a bit puzzled. Kaylee stood back and watched as he stepped to the desk and touched the journal which she had…forgotten to leave open! What if he remembered!

“Oh, thought I put this away last night,” he said quietly.

“You fell asleep on the desk,” Kaylee told him.

“Oh. Been working too hard,” he said as he picked up the red notebook.

“What is it?” she asked hoping for him to let her in on the secret she already knew.

He turned and looked at her, his face pondering something. She waited, wondering if he suspected she had already been reading it. Kaylee couldn’t stand a fight with him, not with her nightmare still so vivid.

“Kaylee, sit down please,” he said very formally, his tone quite serious. She grew more apprehensive as she sat on the bed and he slid the chair over to sit facing her. And then he…handed her the notebook!

“I’m not sure why, but I think it’s time you knew some things about me,” he began, as Kaylee could hardly believe her ears. “I’ve been thinking about this since our wedding day. We’ve known each other for more than a year, have had our ups and downs, and finally found each other through a lot of misunderstanding, pain, and heartache. I love you and I know you love me. We are husband and wife now and have a long life ahead of us, the ‘verse and God willing. And I don’t want any secrets. Secrets and lies destroy marriages and break hearts. My parents always had secrets from each other, my father never letting mother know about his business, my mother had, well, she turned to another man for a brief time when my father was so cold and distant.’

“Oh, Simon, that must have been terrible for you,” Kaylee said, genuinely concerned, not worried anymore about the notebook.

“It was not surprising” he started. “I mean, yes I was surprised my mother had an affair, but I wasn’t totally shocked. I don’t think my parents had slept together for more than a year before it happened. I was in medical school so I don’t know all the details and I don’t think River ever knew. They patched things up and father became more of a husband but then…the things with River happened.”

Kaylee silently waited for him to continue as he paused for a long time.

“This book…this book…are my notes about trying to save River…and about what we’ve experienced since…coming on board Serenity, “he said. “ And I want you to read it.”

Nothing could have shocked Kaylee more. “Why?” she stammered, her feelings of guilt at lying to Simon overcome by her surprise.

“Because I don’t want any secrets from you. I don’t want us to be destroyed because of anymore misunderstandings. I don’t want to lose you,” he said and she thought he might even cry for a second.

They wrapped themselves in a big hug as she told him she loved him and would never leave him no matter what. He looked in her eyes.

“Please read this first, before you make such promises. There are things….I wrote…about you…and Serenity, about the others,” he started. “And things about us, our relationship. Just remember that when I wrote those things I was…a different person.”

Kaylee didn’t know what to say. If she told him the truth, that she had already started reading it, she thought she might cause a riff in their relationship. He was so vulnerable, his story about his parents breaking her heart. She had never met them except in a secret wave they had arraigned on the wedding day. The Alliance, despite the Operative’s aid after the Reaver fight, was still out there looking for Simon and River. His father had been very formal and stiff, welcoming her to the family but very unhappy that he couldn’t be the one to produce their wedding day, a splashy affair to impress his friends on Osiris. Regan Tam had been more warm hearted but also a little aloof, welcoming her as a daughter, but Kaylee felt that it was a way of not losing face, since their son was not going to change his mind about marrying her. Kaylee couldn’t help but feel that they looked down on her, a fresh faced girl from the rim, and in a very unladylike profession at that! Oh to hell with them…oh, she had to control those thoughts about his parents!

“Simon, if you don’t want me to read it I won’t, “she offered, desperately hoping he’d refuse.

“Kaylee, it’s because I love you that I want you to read it. I don’t want you to find it some day, read it and then get all mad at me…”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be mad!”

“You haven’t read it yet,” he said quietly.

“It can’t be all that bad’ she offered, knowing already that in a few places her blood had boiled at his comments about Serenity and the jealousy she felt when he described Inara.

“It is, in places. Well, the decision is yours,” he finally compromised, taking the book from her. “I won’t force you. It’ll be on the desk so don’t feel you have to hide if you want to read it. Just two things: don’t take it out of the room and don’t tell the others, not even Inara. I’m not sure they would understand.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” she promised, already knowing she had broken that promise the night before. And he stood up as Kaylee got the funny feeling he already knew she had begun to read it. But no, he couldn’t know. Could he?

Simon placed the book on the desk and then got his toothbrush, shaving gear and towel and headed for the bathroom off the passenger lounge. Kaylee knew she was going to read it the first chance she got but she had to pretend to be not too excited about it. The day was routine for Serenity, still on a five day journey to delivery a load of high quality food stuffs to some bigwigs on Persephone. Kaylee was reminded of her time at that ball there and knew it was coming up in Simon’s journal. She wished now he had been the one to have taken her there. At least he wouldn’t have punched out one of Persephone’s upper class like the Capt’n had.

She finally found a free moment after lunch when Simon was taking inventory in the infirmary and there was nothing that needed to be fixed or tweaked. She had a cup of tea with Inara in her shuttle but cut the visit short, claiming she needed a rest. Inara knew something was up but didn’t press her on it. The journal was still on the desk and she picked it up and placed it on the bed, took off her work boots, unzipped and jumped out of her overalls and curled up on the bed in just her flowery t-shirt and underwear, ready to read a good chunk. She made sure she kept a finger in the pages near the front in case Simon came in. Telling lies, even small fibs, was something Kaylee had rarely done and it was already giving her headaches thinking of how she was going to handle this. She knew she would tell him the truth, but just not yet.

The journal continued in the same tone after their encounter with the derelict ship and the Alliance inspection. Days were skipped and most of the information was about River and his methods to help her, none of which worked. There were few comments about the crew, with the exception of his continued dislike for Jayne and his terse remarks about the Capt’n. She was a bit miffed that he never mentioned her name for many pages. Thankfully, though, he had little else to say about Serenity for the moment, cause most of what he had said so far hadn’t been to her liking. And then it was about Persephone and their encounter with Badger and his gang.

“We have returned to Persephone much to my dislike. When I heard it was to be our destination I asked Reynolds not to land there since this was where River and I had been tracked by Dobson. I worried that other lawmen or Alliance agents might be seeking us. He assured me that we were only staying briefly to get supplies and allow Inara to see some clients and that River and I would stay on board and no one would even see us. Well, I am suspecting that the captain’s plans usually don’t go as planned as this one certainly didn’t.”

Well, Kaylee couldn’t disagree with that statement. Capt’n usually had a plan, but often it went sour. The good thing though was that it was kind of like normal for them so they had lots of experience thinking on their feet and getting out of tight jams.

“The crew left Book, River, and I aboard as they went shopping. Inara also remained to prepare to attend a society ball as an escort to a gentleman of Persephone’s elite society. That much I learned by accident as I caught the end of a brief conversation Kaylee and Inara had in the passenger lounge.”

Ah ha! He was eavesdropping!

“I normally wouldn’t comment on Inara’s activities as a Companion but the idea of a ball and dancing struck me as wonderful and I couldn’t but help feel a little jealous of the gentleman she would accompany” And again the anger and jealousy swirled in Kaylee’s tummy as she forced back dark thoughts about Inara and forced herself to read on.

“But just the dancing part. The other “activities” she is involved in do not in the least bit interest me as I find it demeaning to have to pay for love. While it is quite normal in the Core for young men to lose their virginity to Companions I declined my father’s offer and shocked him by saying it was too late. It hadn’t been at that time but it was soon after so the subject never came up again.”

My, my, he was quite the prude! And she was glad. She knew the whole story about his first time, after his high school graduation and prom with a girl he had been dating. She wasn’t jealous of her because Kaylee had never met her and had already forgotten her name. And she knew she wasn’t jealous of Inara. Simon had just wanted to go dancing and that didn’t surprise her because he had danced so well at their wedding and didn’t want to stop all night. He and River had both outshone everyone at the wedding reception and when they had danced together it had been a marvel to see, the product of years of lessons with expensive instructors on Osiris.

“While they were gone I managed to get River to have some fun for a short time by practicing dancing in the cargo bay. She smiled and the effort was worth it. A short time later Kaylee, Wash, and Zoe returned to the ship and Kaylee seemed very upset about something. She barely said hello to me and River and stormed off to the engine room. I got the whole story from Wash as we unloaded the supplies. It appears that Reynolds insulted her when she had been admiring some dresses in a store window.”

Insulted was not the word. He had been downright mean and he knew it. Sometimes he was just a mean old man as he had once called himself. Kaylee had been stung by his remarks comparing her wearing a dress in the engine room with a sheep walking on its hind legs. She wanted to feel like a lady sometimes. Money was for supplies and fuel and repairs, and what was left was given to the crew based on their agreement with the Capt’n. Sometimes there wasn’t enough for pay, only for what the boat needed. A beautiful dress like she had seen in the window was out of reach for Kaylee and the fact that she had no one to wear it for at the time made his remakes sting twice as hard. Simon had barely even noticed her, despite his remarks about her flirting with him and him being attracted to her.

“When the captain and Jayne returned they were excited about a job they had gotten from a man called Badger. Reynolds had arrived with a pink dress and handbag and asked me to put them in an empty passenger room. A short while later Kaylee appeared and the look on her face when she saw the dress was pure joy.”

Joy was not the word! She had been so happy and forgave him even after he explained that Badger had bought the dress and that it was for work.

“Kaylee raced off to get cleaned up as Reynolds again asked me for help. He brought me to his quarters and showed me two suits he owned and asked which would be better for a society ball. I thought neither was but didn’t say so and picked the more modern one. As we waited for Kaylee to get ready in the passenger dorm, I helped Reynolds fix his tie properly and gave him a few pointers on some dance steps. And then Kaylee appeared. She was absolutely stunning and I thought…”

Oh, I knew he liked me in that dress! His jaw had dropped when he seen her and he had said “wow”.

“…she is so beautiful. I never realized before. I guess I always saw Kaylee as a kind of a tomboy…”

Oh, brother!

“…but now I see she is a woman, not just a woman, but a lady. Her hair was pulled back and up, she had some light cosmetics on and a pink ribbon in her hair.”

Kaylee squealed with delight as she read this, seeing the first time he noticed her as more than a grease splattered mechanic. And then, typical for old Simon, he ruined it.

“But the dress, while nice, wasn’t very fashionable. I didn’t want to say anything that would hurt Kaylee’s feelings but I was afraid someone might notice that she and the captain didn’t quite fit in at the ball.”

Anger welled up in her throat but she forced it down. She had loved that dress! Not fashionable! But he was right and she knew it. Those four girls had said something about her dress looking like it was bought in a store window. They had been…well, bitches!…was the only cuss word she could think of for them and it sounded better in English than Chinese that’s for sure! That older man, he sure put that one in her place after she had insulted Kaylee. It had been the highlight of the night for her. Well, except for the punching that came later.

“After the captain and Kaylee left I found myself playing cards with Jayne and Book. This was my first opportunity for any kind of social interaction with Jayne and I surprised him by showing I was a keen and competent card player. He didn’t even insult me or River for over an hour and it was good. Since we were short of cash we bet ship’s chores as a wager. Unfortunately while we were playing River had an episode and I had to leave the game for a while until she fell asleep in the passenger dorm. I suspect Jayne was cheating while I was gone but could prove nothing so said nothing. A short time later disaster struck and I feared River and I would be exposed once again.’

“Badger made an appearance to tell us the captain got into some trouble at the ball. He had stuck a member of Persephone’s elite society, who it turned out was Inara’s gentleman client. I don’t know if this fact that he was Inara’s client caused the captain to strike him but in my experience it takes very little for Reynolds to hit someone. The captain was forced to remain to fight a duel with this man in the morning. The duel would be with swords and Reynolds, while good with many weapons, had little experience with a sword. When Book and I suggested we rescue the captain Badger’s gang appeared with Kaylee as their prisoner.”

Well, prisoner wasn’t exactly the right word. The captain had asked one of the men at the ball to escort her home and after the man had left Badger and his gang had snuck up on her outside of Serenity. They didn’t hurt her or even lay hands on her, but they were threatening.

“We then spent a very tiring and stressful night with Badger’s gang in control of our ship. They allowed Kaylee to change her clothes and Book went to the kitchen with one of them to prepare some food, but otherwise they would not let us leave the cargo bay. We tried to pass the time playing cards but no one could keep their mind on the game. Kaylee had been sitting next to me and her nearness and the smell of her perfume was also distracting me.”

Oh, that had been a nice smell, something Zoe gave her, since she had none of her own. And he noticed!

“We tried to plan an escape but nothing seemed to be a good idea. Then we all got quite the shock as River woke up and appeared in the cargo bay. Badger, who is from Dayton Colony and has an unusually accent, noticed River as I tried to get her to go back to her room. The shock came as River began speaking in an accent exactly like Badger’s and seemed to know things about him she couldn’t. He appeared very uncomfortable and didn’t even try to sop her form returning to the passenger dorms.”

Kaylee and the others, without Simon, had talked on that moment later and the consensus was that River had overheard Badger talking but then no one could remember if had been talking before she appeared and how could she know those things about him even if they had been true.

“River’s ability to read minds….”

Oh, my, God….and she put down the book, unbelieving what she had just read and then as quickly picked it up again, wanting to know more.

“…was possibly revealed to the crew. I’m not sure how well she can do it or can do it with every one but the information the underground movement secured for me suggests that this was the reason the Alliance was so interested in her. If the crew suspects River can read minds I will have to deny it as best I can.”

He had been lying all that time! He knew she could read minds! Oh, that devil! Oops, again careful with thoughts about my husband! Then again, he was right not to tell them. When they found out much later it had been very awkward. River had suffered enough and Simon was right to protect her in anyway he could.

“Our plans for an attack on Badger’s gang came to nothing as the captain and Inara returned just after dawn. Reynolds had won his duel, but suffered several sword wounds, including a very deep one just above his right hip. It required a lot of stitches and he had lost a lot of blood but will mend well I’m sure, with a scar to remind him not to punch a man until you know who he is and what he is capable of.”

Kaylee still cringed when she remembered the Capt’n limping on board with Inara’s help, his shirt bloody from the sword fight.

“And all of this was so we could get a cargo of…cows. Steers to be exact, beef on the hoof. Now our cargo bay is full of them and the smell is overpowering. And this is only the first day of a three-week journey to Jingyang. We are all taking turns feeding and cleaning the cows except River, who seems to have no interest in them so far. Besides she is the only one on board who does not have specific job or is expected to do anything. Perhaps I should change that and get Reynolds to give her some tasks, minor ones at first.”

“I feared that Badger or one his men might have recognize River or me from our wanted notices on the Cortex but my fears were for naught. The reward for us is now up to 200,000 credits and a man like Badger would not hesitate for a second to turn us in. I heaved a sigh of relief when we finally left Persephone.”

Kaylee did a start as Simon entered the room just as she finished the last page.

“I see you decided to read it. Good,” he said as he came over and sat on the bed. “So, anything you want to ask me?’

“Simon, did you really rescue River from that island?” she asked awe in her voice.

He blushed a little, before saying, “Ah, yes.”

“We always thought you paid someone to do that,” she told him.

Simon thought for a second. “Well, you weren’t there but what I said wasn’t exactly a lie, more of an omission. I said they had helped me rescue her, which was the truth. But in fact I was the one who entered the complex and freed her.”

And Kaylee gave him a big hug and kiss saying over and over how brave he was and then getting a little mad saying he could have been killed and she never would have met him and then finally just kissing him and allowing him to slowly push her down on the bed as they both hastily threw off their clothes and got under the covers for a mad moment of passionate love in the afternoon.