TITLE: "HEARTBREAK" AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL FANDOM: "FIREFLY" PAIRING: Mal/Simon. RATING: PG-13 **SLASH** Implied not graphic STATUS: First in a trilogy ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where. FEEDBACK: Welcomed. EMAIL: AlisonMDobell@aol.com WEBSITE: None. All "Firefly" stories archived at Fireflyfans.net

SUMMARY: "Mal contemplates his feelings for Simon and how quickly things have changed now that the lust is gone." The usual disclaimers apply. The characters and 'Firefly' are the property and gift of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No infringement of copyright is intended.

"HEARTBREAK"

"Firefly" story

Written by Alison M. DOBELL

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Love you Simon. So gorram much it terrifies me. The white column of your neck rises like an ivory tower as you arch over me. Your eyes dark with lust and a fell desire that consumes me before your hands, lips and mouth can devour me for real.

I am boneless. Formless. An ache of passion drowning in your vibrant touch. You play me with effortless grace and I celebrate each caress like a starving man at a banquet. Inwardly crying between heartbeats every second we are parted. Time is not my friend. Just another enemy. But you, you Simon, are my soul. The air I breathe.

It took the longest time for you to flirt with me. Little light passing touches that could be mistaken for accidental brushes. Lingering looks that came out of the blue to hold me in your silent regard before turning away and fastening on something else. As if the heat that flashed in them had been my imagination only and not a reflection of your desire. Didn't notice at first. Wouldn't have believed it neither. You were the doc and I was the Captain. Given our roles we would play them. Never figured on becoming lovers. And once we were, never figured that kind of paradise would ever end.

I watch you now and try not to. My eyes seeking you out in every room. My heart keening for your presence and inwardly weeping when you are not there. My will faltering but outwardly a ring of steel to hide the pain. You move with such easy grace. Your light teasing eyes crawling over Jayne. Flicking away as his head turns. I know the dance by heart now but you seek out a new partner and I am consigned to the past. I was a challenge. Now you have won my heart you prove how easily you can discard it. Have only myself to blame. Made rules to prevent this kind of *goushi* then didn't keep 'em. But it don't help the hurt none. I miss our closeness. Even the starchy awkward relationship we had before. Intimacy made things tons better as well as worse. Better because I got to map every inch of you and love it all. Worse because when you got bored you just left. No regret. No parting words of sorrow. Just thanks but no thanks. Moving on.

Now even passing comments carry nothing. No feeling at all just empty platitudes. Meaningless phrases that will never carry the heat of your passion again. What did I do wrong? Nothing. Everything. My crime was not understanding that to you this was just a game. One you had learnt to devastating effect in the halls of residency. The high and mighty MedAcad where you had learnt still other skills. Ones that saved lives instead of devastating them. I watch because I cannot help myself. The ruin of my heart beyond the mending now. I know it. Accept it and bury the pain with another war I could never win. But what crushes me most of all is that you did not simply leave me. All affection, respect and regard went with you. Looking at you now through misty eyes I realise something else that wounds. In its' absence there is not even the flicker of friendship left. You have moved on. Idly I wonder when I will do the same. But there is one difference. I love you, Simon. And that ain't something I can trade for another man's smile nor a woman's fleeting touch.

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CHINESE GLOSSARY: (Mandarin - Pinyin)

*goushi* = crap/dog shit