The Dr. Tam Journals – Part 5 – Safe

“Secret and lies destroy marriages and break hearts.” Simon’s words echoed in Kaylee’s mind as she lay with her head upon his chest. Their love making had been brief but passionate and both lay for a long time in silence enjoying the pleasure of each other’s body. She could hear his heart thumping away, gradually slowing as the excitement and exertions subsided. He gently stroked her hair, running his fingers through it, feeling its silky texture. She felt like purring like a cat when he did that at times. But the guilt of her lies was eating away at Kaylee and she couldn’t stand it any longer.

She sat up on one elbow and looked at him. She was so afraid to make him angry but knew it had to be done. If she couldn’t confess to one small lie and he not take it in stride then their marriage didn’t have much hope, did it?

“Simon, I have to tell you something and I don’t want you to get mad. Promise me,” she said with a slight quiver in her voice.

“Well, I can’t promise until I know what it is,” he teased and then realized she wasn’t kidding when she gave a little sigh of frustration. His eyes turned to her and he was growing concerned

“OK, OK, I promise,” he said, more serious. “Whatever it is you can tell me.”

She wanted to start slowly but then it all came out in a rush and she couldn’t stop herself. “I’m so stupid, I never should have done it, but...I couldn’t help myself.’

“What? What have you done?”

She gulped and then plunged ahead. “I told you…a small lie.”

He leaned toward her, his face very intent now as he waited for her to continue.

“A small lie…about what?”

“Your journal,” she finally said and there, it was out.

“My journal?” He was puzzled and then understanding dawned on him. “Oh. You’ve seen it before, haven’t you?”

Her eyes were quivering, ready to burst into tears if he got mad. “Just once. Last night. After you fell asleep. It was open and…oh, I just read one bit, and then...”

“Curiosity,” was all he said and he lay back and stared at the ceiling and said nothing.

“Simon. I’m so sorry,” said managed to get out, her voice choked with emotion.

He let out a big sigh. “It’s what I was afraid of. That you would find it and read it and it would cause trouble.”

“I know. And then this morning, the lies just started to pile up, and I didn’t know when to stop and….and…I can’t stand it anymore.”

He turned on his side and gazed at her. “Now do you know why I wanted you to read it,” he started, his voice calm, not angry or cold, but calm, as if he was explaining a lesson to a student. “Lies destroy relationships, Kaylee.”

He paused for a while to let that sink in. She so wanted him to forgive her and she couldn’t stand the tension.

“You’re not…mad, are you?”

“No. Disappointed you didn’t tell me this morning. But not mad. Not at the woman I love,” and he leaned over and gave her a small kiss and she never thought a kiss felt so warm and loving in all her life. A tear came to one eye and he brushed it away and wrapped his arms around her.

“How much did you read?’ he finally asked.

“Ah, quite a bit last night and more this morning. Up to the point where we got the cows.”

“Wow. That is a lot. So you know…I mean…you know things about me and you?

“Like you knew I was flirting with you, but couldn’t do anything about it?”

“Yeah, like that.”

She gave small giggle. “You weren’t very bright about all that. But I understand. You had bigger things on your mind.”

“Hard to believe it was only a year ago. So much has happened,” he said. “I felt so lost at that time. What with River and the Alliance and dealing with Jayne’s bullying and not knowing if Mal…”

“You mean Reynolds?” she teased.

“Yeah, Reynolds. I called him that though most of the journal, didn’t I?”

“How come? You used everyone else’s first name. Well, ‘cept Book cause I guess you didn’t know it, like the rest of us. At that time.”

“Well, I didn’t know if he’d kick us off or not. And he was so…authoritative. It didn’t feel right to call him Mal. To tell the truth, I didn’t really like him.”

“You sure read him wrong. Capt’n’s good people.”

“I know that now, but then…I didn’t know any of you.”

“We thought you were kinda snobbish,”

He looked at her in shock. “What? Snobbish!”

“Sure. Don’t tell me you weren’t. What with your fancy clothes, education, important Doctor’s airs…”

“Well, I guess I was a bit. But that’s who I was,” he said.

“Yeah, all ‘appropriate’,” she teased again and was starting to enjoy this.

“Not that again!” he sighed. “It’s just…who I was. And still am, a bit. Maybe a lot.”

“I know. Guess a little tomboy mechanic with grease on her nose wasn’t much of a catch for you, huh?” she teased once more and all her fears of confessing to Simon were disappearing.

“Now that’s not fair. I did marry you, you know?”

“You didn’t even see me for so long,” she said, in a quiet voice, remembering the times he seemed like he looked straight through her.

“Oh Kaylee, I saw you every day. Times you filled my thoughts were many in those days. And sometimes my heart was torn in two. I knew you were attracted to me. I’m not that stupid when it comes to women, despite my many faults in that area. You know what a position I was in. When I saw you in that pink dress…”

“That wasn’t fashionable enough.”

“Ok, so I’m a snob, but you were so...just so beautiful. I was so jealous of Mal. I wanted to be the one to take you to the ball.”

She beamed at him “So did I.”

“We finally dance on our wedding day so that more than made up for it,” he said.

“And the wedding night more than made up for all those missed chances,” she added.

“Not nearly enough,” he said and they both leaned in for another kiss when a knock came to their door. Simon sat up and Kaylee shook her head “no” but he had to answer, and she knew it.

Simon shrugged as Kaylee fell back with a look of anger. “Yes?” Simon asked.

It was Jayne of all people. “Hey, Doc. You got a moment. My shoulder’s acting up again.”

“Yeah. Meet me in the infirmary in five minutes.”

“Gotcha,” said Jayne.

Simon looked at Kaylee. “Sorry. Duty calls.”

Kaylee nodded. “I know. Tell him to stop lifting weights without help.”

“I’ve told him. That bullet wound shouldn’t be still bothering him but he won’t give it a chance.”

“Come back fast as you can. I’ll be waiting.”

He got up and started to dress. She lay on the bed and watched him, smiling.

“What?” he asked.

“Now Doctor, you enjoy watching me dress, I can do the same, can’t I?”

“Sure. But I’d rather watch you undress,” he said and then grinned as he left the room.

Kaylee lay back and stretched and felt like the happiest girl in the whole wide ‘verse. Confession was good for the soul. Kaylee wasn’t much on religion but she did believe in a God and knew that he worked in mysterious ways. She promised herself then and there she’d never tell another lie in her whole life. Well, least not to Simon.

She looked at the floor and saw the journal where it had been unceremoniously deposited in their mad excitement to be shed of their clothes. Picking it up, she noticed something in the back cover, a torn corner. She sat up and wrapped the blankets around her body as she examined it. Slowly she saw that a whole section of the inside back cover was loose, a slit in the thick backing paper. She reached in and took out some paper and a photograph.

The photo was of Simon, River and their parents. Simon and River were younger, River almost a child. It was taken in a lush living room in front of a fireplace and Kaylee could only surmise it was the Tam residence. She looked at the back and Simon had written. “River’s last day at home.” And she knew it was the day they took her to the Academy. And her heart almost melted as she realized this was the last day Simon saw River as the sister he had grown up with for fourteen years. When he finally saw her again three years later she was changed, perhaps forever.

The paper turned out to be Simon’s medical degree. He told her the Alliance had probably already revoked his license to practice and that he could be sued by anyone he treated. But she knew he had hopes to be a practicing doctor again, somewhere, anywhere, and this piece of paper was his proof that he was a trained physician. They had already talked about leaving Serenity and finding a small quiet town on some rim colony that would appreciate a doctor and not care if his credentials were perfect or not long as he could do the job. And all of that reminded Kaylee about what happened to Simon and River on Jiangyin when they were kidnapped.

She replaced the photo and his degree and turned back to where she had left off. Oh, those cows! They had driven most of the crew mad over the next few weeks. Simon spent a few paragraphs describing how they had to feed and clean up their “mess” and the complaining everyone did, but not when the Capt’n was around. He was happy, with cargo in the hold, well, as happy as could be as he was still mending from his sword wounds.

“Reynolds doesn’t want to follow doctor’s orders and I had to re-stitch one of his wounds today as he decided to lend a hand in the cargo bay and started to pitch some hay before Book noticed he was bleeding. He seems to know his cows though, and Wash said he believed the captain had been a rancher at some point in his life, perhaps before the war. Wash doesn’t know much about Reynolds. Despite being married to him, Zoe did not reveal things she knows about the captain. The military bond seems to be stronger than the bonds of love. Or perhaps Zoe just isn’t the gossipy type. She is terse and not much for small talk. The few conversations I’ve had with her were related to medical matters only. I know she has a warm heart because I see her laughing and joking with Wash, but she is reserved around River and I. I suspect that she really doesn’t want us here and perhaps thinks we’ll be gone soon, so maybe she doesn’t want to make friends.”

Kaylee thought that was bit unfair. Zoe was a wonderful person…once she let her guard down. Kaylee had been through the same with her, getting her to open up and be friendlier. Wash – poor Wash! – had explained that once Zoe told him she didn’t make friends easily cause in the war friends had a way of dieing. In fact, Wash thought, but never said to her, that her “siring” of the Capt’n was her way of maintaining a relationship based on order, not friendship. But Zoe and the Capt’n were more than friends and trusted each other with their lives. It was a bond that neither Wash nor Kaylee ever understood completely.

She returned to the journal and noticed a gap of three days, an unusually long gap. But of course, Simon had been missing from Serenity for most of one of those days and perhaps had been not up to writing anything. She sure didn’t blame him after what had happened. Kaylee grew intensely curious because all the details of that day were still not known to her. “Through extraordinary circumstances am I able to continue his journal. River and I came close to death a few days ago and only through a miracle did we survive. That that miracle was Captain Reynolds and his crew makes me feel more obligated to them than to anyone else in the ‘verse at this moment. This makes my feelings for him only a half day earlier all the more confusing.”

“We arrived on Jiangyin to deliver our cows. As we were landing River had a bad episode in the passenger lounge and Reynolds was angry, rude, and condescending toward me, worried more about his cows stampeding because of River’s shouting than about her. I got the immediate impression that we were more expendable than his cargo and I felt waves of anger and frustration at being unable to do anything about it.”

Kaylee hadn’t heard about that before. She knew Simon was overprotective of River in those days but he had to be. And the Capt’n had to worry about cargo and keeping his crew fed and his ship running. But she also knew he took things too far sometimes and didn’t see others if they got in the way of his business. It was his one failing in her eyes.

“Once we landed the crew set up a kind of corral and the cows were released. River again became the object of Reynolds attention as she sat with the cows. She wasn’t hurting anything but he had business to take care of and wanted us gone. In not so subtle terms he told us to take a walk, promising to not leave without us. Later when he did leave without us I thought it had all been a set up to get rid of us. Only later did I know the truth.”

The truth was that Book had been shot and they had to leave. Course, Simon didn’t know that at the time.

“River and I walked for about ten minutes and came to a small one road town with one shop. As we entered I could hear Kaylee and Inara talking about….”

Oh, my God, he’d overheard her!

“…something but I’m not sure exactly what it was..”

And Kaylee heaved a sign of relief and then remembered that that was in the past and she had just made love to Simon so she was just being silly. Still…

“Kaylee seemed a little flustered so perhaps they had been talking about River and I. And then I did something so stupid it is beyond words. I insulted Kaylee and put my foot so far down my throat I didn’t think she’d ever forgive me. I was trying to keep an eye on River and was so distracted and frazzled that when Kaylee said I should have some fun I just lost it. Somewhere in a long burst of venom I called Serenity junk and she took it very personal and even said that I couldn’t think much of the people that choose to live the life they lead.”

His words had felt someone had kicked her in the stomach and it was the first of many stumbles in their long road to happiness. He was so snobbish in those days. It was bad enough that he called the decorative plate she wanted to buy him crap but then to insult Serenity and her and the others by implication was too much. She burned with anger and had to leave before she did something or said something she’d regret. On the walk back to Serenity Inara had tried to stick up for Simon, explaining that he was under a lot of stress. She still liked him and then when he apologized later she had forgiven him.

“I just managed to apologize for that incident and I think she has forgiven me. She is the one person on this ship that has taken River and I whole heartedly as one of them and to do what I did was so stupid.”

“Unfortunately, while I was occupied in my tactless discussion with Kaylee, River managed to slip out of the store. I followed her and found her dancing at a gazebo that was set up in a field. She was so happy I just let her dance. I hadn’t seen her smile in weeks and so I was distracted and did not see the three men who slipped up behind me and put a bag over my head.”

Kaylee shuddered as she thought how terrifying that must have been for Simon. She never knew that detail and couldn’t image what it had been like.

“As they dragged me away, one of them called me doctor. How they knew I was a doctor I don’t know, but could only guess they had overheard someone calling me that while we had unloaded the cows. After we walked for a while, they removed the bag from my head and I realized we were in a forest. And then River appeared. She though it was a game and had found me but they grabbed her, too. I still had hopes of a rescue from the crew but as I saw Serenity rise in the air over the trees my heart sank and I felt we had been tricked by Reynolds and abandoned on purpose.”

Poor Simon! They had left them there but she didn’t know he had seen the ship leave. Kaylee had missed the gunfight at the corral, being in the engine room checking things, but heard a commotion as Jayne came in shouting for a stretcher. She ran down to the medical bay and out to the cargo bay as they brought Book in. Kaylee wasn’t much good to them as she let her fears overcome her as Book lay on the stable. The Capt’n’s steady voice and calm manner radiated to them all as they took care of Book. When Wash had returned from town without Simon she couldn’t believe it. And then the Capt’n closed the doors and ordered Wash to take off. Kaylee felt like something was ripped from her heart as those doors closed and there was no Simon and River. All what he said at the store was forgotten as she feared she would never see him again.

“We were taken to a small village of rundown buildings and dusty streets. I think their main business was mining of a sort up in the hills. The people were a mix of races and ages and all had a deep sense of desperation about them. Their clothes were worn as were their faces and bodies. As soon as they found out I was a doctor, their eyes lit up with joy and a few prayers were given. I sensed a very strong religious streak in the people and I was not wrong. River and I were taken to a small house that held their meager medical facilities. I began to work immediately with a young woman named Doralee, who also said she was the town teacher.”

Doralee? Simon had mentioned her to the crew as the one who thought River was a witch because...she could read minds! Simon had had a hard time explaining why they had tied River to a stake and wanted to burn her and so I guess he finally told them that the town’s folk were superstitious and thought River could read minds. That was the crew’s first real idea about River and her abilities but Simon had made it all seem so silly that most of them had dismissed it from their minds. Kaylee continued to want to know more about River and mind reading.

“During this time River had one of her more lucid periods We had a long talk and ate some hodge berries she had found and it felt like we were back home again. Briefly. She told me she knew I had sacrificed so much for her. While true, I did not want her to feel bad about that and told her she was everything in the ‘verse to me. In reality, as I looked at the injured and sick people I felt more useful than I had in the time I’d been on Serenity. Doralee told us there was a house put aside for a doctor, and for a few minutes I thought this wasn’t so bad. A house, a place for River and me to be safe, even for a little while, had some appeal to it. And Serenity was gone as far as I knew. My only regret was that Kaylee was gone too….”

That was so nice! To think of me at a time like that!

“..and that I wouldn’t have a chance to apologize for what I had said.”

Was that the only reason? Well, it’s enough I guess.

“My thoughts of escaping when night came started to fad. And then the trouble started. River related the story of one of the young child who was in the hospital. The girl was mute and Doralee had thought River found a way to make her speak. When River confessed that she hadn’t spoken, Doralee immediately accused River of being a witch. She ran to wake the others before I could stop her.”

“They dragged River to a stake and set firewood about her. I’m guessing burning at the stake is a common punishment around here as they had a place all ready and knew what they were doing. I write this in a light hearted manner now but at the time I was terrified beyond words. I fought like a cornered rat and when they had beaten me and refused to let River go I knew I had to make the only decision possible. If I could not live with River in this world, I would join her in the next.”

He…deliberately joined her! They hadn’t wanted to kill Simon! They needed him, a doctor! God, he was willing to be …burned to death! …with River! Kaylee’s stomach got queasy at the thought, he fear of fire manifest into larger than life nightmares since the explosion in Serenity’s engine room that had almost killed them all. She could still see that ball of fire racing toward her down the aft hall, her legs paralyzed, unable to move, and then two strong arms shoved her across the room and Zoe took the full brunt of the blast, almost killing her. It surely would have killed Kaylee, who was a fragile leaf compared to Zoe’s strength. She had thanked Zoe later and Zoe had shrugged it off as if it was nothing. Kaylee couldn’t have done it. But Simon was willing to face the fire with his sister and if anything told Kaylee that he loved River this was it beyond words.

“And then our miracle arrived. Serenity appeared overhead and the captain and Zoe came down the street armed for war. How they found us has not been revealed yet but I’ll corner Wash later and get the story. He’s always good for that. After rescuing us we ran to the far end of the village where one of Serenity’s shuttles was waiting. We boarded and made a quick rendezvous with the ship and got away from there as fast as Wash could take us.”

“It was then I was told of Book’s injuries and immediately went to see him. The look on Kaylee’s face as I passed her was much friendly than the last time I had seen her.”

Well, of course, she was just so happy to see them. Jayne and Zoe hadn’t been too keen on going back but she and Wash had talked the Capt’n into it. Of course, he’d never admit that and Kaylee sensed he wanted to go back all along and pretended to let them talk him into it. Wash was clear that he’d be happier having a doctor on board than not. Kaylee had mentioned how Simon had done so much for them so far and of course she had other reasons. Wash had already set course for Jiangyin from the Alliance cruiser and we had been half way there by the time the Capt’n made his mind up.

“Later that day, when I asked Reynolds why he came back for us, he said that we were on his crew. And that was it. I hardly believe that’s it and I have a feeling that he is a good man at heart, this noble thief, Malcolm Reynolds. He is a morally good man who finds himself in situations where his morals are being constantly tested. Coming back for River and I eased his conscience. I would apologize to him for our earlier altercations but I’m sure he would not enjoy that.”

“The questions regarding why River and I were about to be killed were not easy to deflect so I told the truth: they thought she was a witch. This was greeted with much skepticism and derision, with a joke from Jayne about her flying a broom. I guess he has read a book at some point in his life or at least seen old Earth That Was vids on the Cortex concerning such things. The idea that River could read minds was not taken seriously by anyone and for that I am thankful. Until I investigate this more I do not wish to bring more suspicion on us. It is clear from what happened with the mute girl that River has an ability to know things she could not have known. If this is “mind reading” I do not know. What the correct term is or how to define this ability of hers is something I must investigate more.”

Kaylee closed the book and lay it down as she took all this in. Simon himself had been mystified by River’s ability and was only beginning to understand it. She shuddered again at the thought of them being kidnapped, beaten and then almost burned to death. If they had been five minutes late….but no she couldn’t think like that or it would drive her crazy. They were alive, he was her husband and all was right with the ‘verse. For now.

Simon didn’t return for a long time so Kaylee finally got up to see what was happening and found him operating on Jayne’s shoulder. Seems the Alliance doctor’s had missed a small piece of the bullet that was stuck in the ball socket where the arm met the shoulder and it needed to come out. Jayne wasn’t too pleased but sat stoically while Simon worked under a local anesthetic. Kaylee stayed and helped Simon and listened to Jayne tell funny stories about being a criminal in the days before he joined Serenity. Most of them involved a woman and some kind of robbery. Simon said nothing as he worked but Kaylee laughed and engaged Jayne in conversation, knowing it took his mind off what Simon was doing.

Later, Kaylee went to the dining area to help prepare dinner. The Capt’n was there and was in a good mood, which he always was whenever they had cargo in the hold and money was to be made. They still had four more days to go to Persephone with their load of high quality foodstuffs in the cargo bay. River and Kaylee made supper together, with Kaylee teaching her how to make pastries. Capt’n had stolen the flour and sugar from the cargo, telling them that there was always some loss whenever food was shipped. Dinner was a cheerful affair, with Jayne even joining them despite his recent operation and managed to get through the meal without saying something crass or spilling his food. Cheerful, that is, expect for the absence of Book and Wash. Zoe wasn’t in mourning but she wasn’t her old self either and maybe that would never change, Wash being part of that old self. They had always been together as far as Kaylee was concerned, her having joined Serenity when they were secretly dating. In fact, Kaylee had found out even before the Capt’n and had stood with Zoe at their wedding.

Finally, the day ended and she made her way to their room after setting the power settings for the night and dimming the lights throughout the ship. She had double checked with River the course setting and power settings before doing so. The two always did so and the Capt’n supervised. Once all was set the crew retired to their quarters.

Simon and River said goodnight and Kaylee went to brush her teeth. When she returned she found Simon sitting on the bed looking at the picture of his family.

“Did you see this?’ he asked.

“Yes,’ she said as she sat next to him, snuggling close.

“It’s our last picture as a family. The last time they saw her. Almost four years ago,” he said, his heart heavy.

“Some day, we will make it right,” she said, trying to sound cheerful.

“Kaylee, we need to leave Serenity,” he said and it was not an order or a question, just a statement, hanging in the air.

She looked at him, her mind wild with emotion, knowing he was right, but not wanting to admit it, not wanting to leave. Not yet.

“Simon. Serenity’s been my home for so long.”

“I know. I’m not forcing you to make a decision. Not now. But we need to talk more. We need to find a place to live. And then my parents can come. And your father, too. At least to visit. And then we can start our life.”

He put an arm around her and kissed the top of her head as Kaylee’s mind drifting over the years and the things that had happened and feared that he was right: It was time to leave Serenity.