The Dr. Tam Journals –Part 7 – Jaynestown

Kaylee made her way back to the passenger dorm, careful not to spill the remainder of her tea, her mind replaying her conversation with the Capt’n. Inara leaving again wasn’t as big a shock as she thought it would be ‘cause Inara had hinted that she would go soon. But the Capt’n was obviously devastated, hiding it as well as he could. God, men were such idiots at times! Why couldn’t he just tell her? Too complication, she’s this, I’m that, it’d never work, blah, blah, blah. Coward’s way out! But she knew he wasn’t a coward; he was just not articulate when it came to expressing his feelings. That Inara felt the same way about him was obvious to all but him.

His feelings got trampled on before, that much she knew, in the war. Not over love of a woman, but over a belief in something that was shattered. Once she asked Zoe why the Capt’n despised religion and she told her the one and only secret she ever gave about Malcolm Reynolds. When she had first met him, in the second year of the war, he was already a sergeant and had lots of combat experience. And he was also very religious. Not in the way of preaching to everyone but he did believe in God and he wore a cross round his neck he was prone to kissing before doing something dangerous and usually foolhardy. He was a true believer in the rebellion and in their leaders and generals. When they were told to surrender in Serenity Valley, it just devastated him. After a week of waiting for help while the generals negotiated the surrender, a week of watching his soldiers expiring of their wounds, he tore off that cross and threw it away, saying there was no more God.

Now all he had was this ship and its crew. He was like her big brother and Kaylee loved him in that way and had always felt a comfort and strength in the knowledge that he was always there to…well, protect her, was the only way she could put it. He was their leader and Kaylee suddenly felt that she would miss him more than any of the others and Serenity itself when she and Simon finally left. Captain Malcolm “Mal” Reynolds, the Capt’n, her Capt’n, defined Serenity for her and perhaps for the others as well. He had always been there, from the day Kaylee joined the ship and he never let them down.

Despite the horrific ramifications of his decision to send them on their mad dash through Reaver space and the battle with the Alliance and Reavers, Kaylee still felt it was the right thing to do. One thing she and the Capt’n saw eye to eye on was that there was good in this ‘verse and someone had to step up now and then and defend it and those that couldn’t defend themselves or weren’t willing to. She wasn’t sure Zoe would agree, her loyalty to the Capt’n overshadowed by the death of Wash. She definitely knew Jayne thought it was the stupidest thing they had ever done. Simon had been caught between the two opinions, at the time wanting to do the right thing in his soul, but afraid for River and, as he later told her, for Kaylee, too. He was never afraid for himself and she felt a comfort knowing that her man would go to the ends of the ‘verse for her if he had to.

Kaylee had been terrified the whole battle in a way that only be describe as blind numbness. She knew they were Reavers, knew she was holding and firing a weapon, but it wasn’t her, she wasn’t the one there, it was all too fast, too much, she couldn’t separate events from each out, she couldn’t see what was happening, and later when they tried to piece together everything her mind had been almost a total blank. She remembered Simon’s expression of desire for her, remembered when she had been struck by the darts, and remembered when Simon had gotten shot, but the rest was a blur. Only later did she understand that Jayne and Zoe had also been wounded and she didn’t know if she killed any Reavers or not. It dawned on Kaylee, as she lay in the Alliance makeshift hospital later, that in her soul she wasn’t as brave as the others and wasn’t cut out for the helter skelter of combat.

There had been no blame assessed after the battle. There was too much grief and too much healing to be done for recriminations. The wedding had helped to ease them back to a semblance of a normal life, if that were at all possible. After she and Simon had started their relationship the Capt’n had sat them down and said he wasn’t much for shipboard romances but wished them the best. Two months later Simon shocked her by saying that he wanted their relationship to be more “appropriate”, meaning he wanted to marry her. She said yes before he could change his mind and a few days later they were married on Taos in front of her father and her friends and family.

Kaylee was reminded of the first time she and Simon talked about his “appropriate” ways. It had been when they landed on Higgin’s Moon at the settlement of Canton, better known as Mudville, for it’s chief product, mud used to make ceramics. What a day and a half that had been! She now had a burning desire to see what Simon had wrote about that day. She reached their room, quietly slid the door back and entered. Simon was still sleeping so she crept to the desk, sat, and opened the journal again.

The talk on appropriateness had begun in the corridor of the passenger dorm. She had been passing by when he exited his room, dressed in a very fine suit. She had been stunned by his handsome appearance and stopped and asked if he had somewhere special to go. He had been taken aback and then looked at his clothes, realizing he was overdressed. He had fumbled for some answer as to why he dressed like that and Kaylee had said he looked nice. Simon had smiled and said it was just that he was used to dressing in an appropriate way back on Osiris. That comment got them talking about his life there and about being a doctor and before Kaylee knew it almost 30 minutes passed by. It had been warm and comforting to talk with Simon when no one else was around and he was very relaxed. River was no where about, no one was hurt, and nothing needed to be done, by either of them. She teased him about being so straight laced and said she had never heard him use swear words to which he had replied he did, just not in front of her.

Kaylee scanned the journal looking for that part and it didn’t take too long.

“It’s morning now and I have a brief moment to write down what has happened the last few days, which have been a mix of surprise, danger, joy, and foolishness, mostly on my part. The crew had been hired to move some illegal goods, what I don’t know, from the Canton factory settlement on Higgin’s Moon. As we were preparing to land I ran into Kaylee in the passenger dorm corridor and had a pleasant chat. The term ‘appropriate’ came up in regard to my behavior and I tried to explain that I wasn’t as straight laced as she and the others thought. I guess my dress and manner made me seem like a very proper gentleman. I think it might be time to relax my Osiris manners and dress more casually. Yet, I still cannot get over the casual way that some subjects are treated on Serenity, sex being one of them.”

Oh, sex talk!

“Inara had been hired by someone on the moon and as she prepared to leave, Kaylee said goodbye and wished her to have ‘Good sex’. My surprised and somewhat embarrassed expression after Kaylee said this shows just how ‘straight laced’ I am.”

Ah, Simon the prude! She remembered that look, how he had been shocked she had said that to Inara. It was almost a joke between the two ladies, as Inara always had good sex, ‘cause, as she put it, she was always there, while Kaylee had had none for some time then. Then again maybe it wasn’t so funny after all, Kaylee sometimes wishing she had such beautiful clothes, and the training to seduce men. There was only one man she wanted to seduce and she didn’t think at that time that even if she had all of Inara’s training and experience she would ever get Simon to thaw out.

“Jayne the ape man saw this as a perfect time to raid my infirmary and make a mess while looking for some tape to hide a gun on his body. He could have just asked me but that would have been too easy for him. Reynolds told him no guns were allowed on Canton and when Jayne protested, saying he had a lot of enemies there, Reynolds once again asserted his authority over Jayne in front of Kaylee and me. Jayne backed down as usual, and again I wonder why. It seems Jayne and Reynolds have an understanding. Jayne knows Reynolds would not back down until one of them was dead and Jayne fears that he would the one lying face down. Whereas Jayne is obviously the stronger of the two and I’ve heard he is a master at all kinds of weapons, he lacks the leadership qualities of Reynolds and the streak of madness that Reynolds has shown is needed at times to get out of sticky situations. For this I am glad, because if Jayne Cobb was leader of this ship, I’m sure River would already be back at that academy and I would be in a penal colony somewhere on a cold and distant moon.”

Would Jayne sell them out? Kaylee had a feeling he would have, and he had even mentioned it once or twice. But he never did, did he? There was always the question of what happened on Ariel. Wash had once expressed the opinion that Jayne had tried to sell them out and was nabbed himself so had to make an escape but Kaylee hadn’t believed him. Well, didn’t what to believe him was more like it.

“We set down on Higgin’s Moon and as soon as the cargo bay ramp went down I wish I had stayed in bed. The smell of the place was disgusting, to say the least, with the mud pits directly opposite the port landing area. The workers waded up to their knees in the filth, scooping up the mud into large containers that were carried to a building where the mud was turned into ceramic. As Kaylee mentioned ceramic is lighter than and just as strong as some metals, so it is ideal for spacecraft parts. The whole operation was very primitive, with brut manpower replacing machines that could had done a more efficient job. But this kind of operation did not care for finesse as they had a large and cheap labor pool.”

Wow, he did sound like he knew something about business! Yet, knowing about and actually conducting business in the real world were two different things. The crew had learned this when Simon’s attempt to pretend to be a mud buyer almost blew up in their faces.

“Kaylee seemed overly interested in getting me to come to town with the other crew members and I saw Wash and Reynolds exchange some looks that said they knew Kaylee wanted me to go for personal reasons. Her flirting was obvious to all and I did desire to spend more time with her.”

Oh, was she that obvious? Ah! That devil! He saw through all that and even knew the others knew!

“Book offered to watch River and then the captain suggested I pose as a mud buyer since I was still wearing my suit and, as he, said, looked the part more than any others. As I had no more excuses and was actually being asked to join one of their plans, I went along. In truth I really was curious about how they worked and did not mind that Kaylee would be with us. I now regret this decision as it nearly cost me my life. There is something to be said for staying aboard ship.”

He had wanted spend time with me! So did she, and Kaylee remembered how Simon had felt self-conscious as the Capt’n described him and his clothing, his soft hands, and she thought that’s when Simon decided that the suits and vests would have to go and more causal clothing be obtained.

“My attempts at buying mud were awkward and caused the foreman of the mud factory to be a little suspicious. I guess I’m just not good at lying and Reynolds came to my rescue, by suggesting we look around first and talk business later. We walked through the mud pit area to the town, looking for a contact for the goods we were to obtain. Jayne acted very strangely and had covered his face and head with a cap and goggles, still worried about the enemies he had made in the past. Then we saw it. A statue. Of Jayne. In all my years nothing surprised me as much as this. He is a hero of this town and they composed a song for him, which we later heard in a bar. The story is long and intricate, but it will suffice to say he stole some money from the town boss, and dropped that money over the town in order to lighten his aircraft to make his escape. The townsfolk thought he had done it on purpose and called him a hero.”

Jayne the Hero of Canton! The statue had been eerie and the song even more shocking. Kaylee recalled sitting in the bar, opposite Simon, drinking the Mudder’s milk, sneaking looks across her cup at Simon, when the man with the guitar had begun the song. Even Jayne had been surprised and then he had related the whole story to them.

“We finally made contact with someone and found out our contact had been killed because he was trading in illegal goods. This business was getting more dangerous and I was all for leaving for good. Then one of Jayne’s admirers recognized him and the whole town showed up to cheer him and buy him drinks. We stayed and drank more and I found myself sitting with Kaylee, both of us very drunk. The warmth of the alcohol, the subdued lighting, and her presence made me forget all my troubles and my strict manners and upbringing. She was so beautiful, her soft brown hair framing her lovely face, her smile as warm as ever. I desired her then more than ever…”

Oh, this was getting good!

“…and even told her she was pretty. I had wanted to say beautiful but felt it too strong at that moment.”

Why didn’t he say it if he felt it? Even when drunk and with no responsibilities he couldn’t let go of his appropriateness.

“I don’t recall much of what happened after. I know we drank more, and Jayne left to a room with a local woman. Someone asked if we wanted to have a room, too. I think I said yes, and I know Kaylee did but we never made it that far. We passed out, well at least I did, on our little bench, wrapped in each others arms.”

A waitress had asked them if they wanted a room. Kaylee’s body burned with alcohol and sexual tension, so much she was ready to explode. He was there, he was relaxed and she had wanted him. When he said yes to getting a room, her heart had thumped so loudly she thought the whole ‘verse had heard it. She said, “It’s just a room. We don’t have to do anything.” And he had said, “I know. It’s just a room.” And then he put his arm around her, stoked her hair, and as they had leaned in for a kiss, he passed out, his head on her shoulder. Kaylee had almost screamed in frustration! But she didn’t blame him, she liked him too much for that. Loved him? The thought had crossed her mind at that point and she knew it was too soon for that. Or was it? Could she love someone without starting a relationship first? She kissed his cheek, leaned him back, using his jacket as a pillow, and curled up with him, feeling his heart beat, the muscles of his chest and shoulders. Her whole body was on fire with desire, and mercifully she had passed out, too.

“The next morning I once again turned my little success with the beginnings of a relationship with Kaylee into a disaster. I’m getting lots of practice at this and will soon be a master”

There’s sarcastic Simon again, even if what happened was too painful for words.

“Reynolds appeared in the bar and woke us up. I was surprised, groggy, and disoriented. I realized Kaylee and I had spent the night in each others arms and Reynolds was looking at us in such a strange way, almost half amusement and half paternal strictness. I hastily, perhaps too hastily, commented that nothing had happened, that I would never do anything, not with Kaylee, and then before I could stop myself the words were out. The look on her face and her angry retort said I had badly insulted her again. When we found Jayne and made to leave, Kaylee pointedly told me I was not welcome to be with them.”

She had been livid! After all the drinking, the comments on her looks, the almost kiss, he was such a jerk in the morning! She had been glad they hadn’t made love if that was how he was going to act in the morning. Later, he explained how it was Reynolds, looking like her father or big brother, that had confused him. Also, he told her it would have been very disrespectful to have taken advantage of her while drunk. But he just didn’t get it. She wanted to be taken advantage of, drunk or sober!

“Glum and with a pounding headache, I stayed in the bar. I ordered some foul mixture of greasy pork, rice and tomatoes, which I managed to half eat. Surprisingly it helped settle my stomach and I realized that it was a special cure for Mudder’s Sickness, the Mudder’s milk hangover, as the bartender called it. I thought on how I could apologize to Kaylee, again, and wondered what River had been up to, when the most foul smelling, ugly, disagreeable man I have ever met accosted me and proceeded to beat me in an attempt to find out where Jayne was. Turns out he was an old partner of Jayne’s’ named Stitch something and he wanted Jayne dead. He kicked me several times, punched me, and slashed my left arm with a knife after I beat him with a bottle. Thankfully the knife cut was not too deep.”

Kaylee had treated his wounds when they had returned to Serenity, worried sick for him, all her anger at the earlier events forgotten when she saw that man throw Simon to the ground in front of the crowd of Mudder’s. Her heart had leaped to her throat when the man said he was going to kill Simon in front of Jayne.

“I was tossed to the dirt in front of everyone and Stitch told Jayne he was going to kill ‘one of his boys’ in front of him. I thought I was a dead man as Jayne Cobb has no love for me and I have none for him. But he claimed I didn’t belong to his ‘gang’ and Stitch seemed to lose interest in me after that as he and Jayne squared off. Kaylee turned up at my side suddenly like an angel from heaven, and picked me up from the dirt. If I hadn’t been in such pain I would have kissed her then and there, the hell with appropriateness.”

That sure would have been an awkward kiss. He had been a mess and Kaylee reached for him on instinct, not caring if that man had turned and shot her. All she could think of was to reach Simon and thought the Capt’n had even reached out to stop her but she walked past him, not caring about herself. Something in her heart almost broke as she saw Simon lying in the dirt, about to die, and she knew she did love him in that instance.

“I think Kaylee’s tenderness and warmth at that moment meant more to me than anything else. After what I had said to her that morning, her forgiveness was so quick and so complete. I think my feelings for her may be stronger than I thought could be possible.”

What did that mean? Did he love her too? Why couldn’t his feelings be possible? Kaylee laughed at herself a little, forgetting for a moment all this had happened many months ago. He did love her and had married her and he was hers and that’s all that mattered at the moment. She looked over at him on their bed, so glad in many ways they had not made love that night. They had been drunk it would have been awkward and possibly badly done. When a man is that drunk sometimes things don’t…well, work the right way! If that had happened the first time they had been naked together, she thought they might never had gotten past it. Their first time had been as Simon had lay in the Alliance hospital, almost recovered from his bullet wound. Kaylee’s desire for him couldn’t wait any longer and she had snuck in one night, took off all her clothes, crawled into his bed, and despite his protests, that he wasn’t healed, that this wasn’t an appropriate place, she told him to shut up and kiss her and they made love for the first time. It had been fast and powerful and wonderful and well worth the wait. He hadn’t protested when they did it two more times before dawn. When the doctor found them asleep together in the morning he declared Simon fit to leave the hospital.

“Jayne’s life was saved by one of the Mudder’s who stepped in front of a shotgun blast intended for Jayne. Before Stitch could reload his gun Jayne threw his knife and struck him square in the chest. The knife must have got struck on the upper rib cage…”

God, he was so morbid at times describing these wounds!

“…as it did not fall out nor did Stitch collapse as he would have from a perforated lung or if the heart had been struck. But he did not live for long as I watched Jayne beat his brains out on the base of the statue. The rear portion of his skull was crushed and his brain matter….”

Ewwww! She skipped ahead past this disgusting description. She had turned her head when it had happened and didn’t want any reminders of it.

“I have seen death before, but not like this, not with one man beating another to death with his bare hands. It was raw and savage and the anger from the two men filled the air. Fearing the local boss’s foreman and his gang would come after Jayne next, we made a hasty withdrawal from the town toward Serenity. The men followed us at a distance but seemed in no hurry to stop Jayne. Not sure why because neither the captain or Jayne we’re armed and I was in no shape to fight. Kaylee had to almost carry me up the ramp of the ship and I was never so glad to be on Serenity. As we took off I took a moment to thank Jayne for claiming he didn’t know me and he grunted something like a “Wish I never…never mind.” I think he meant he wish had never met me. The feeling is mutual but after today’s events I have some measure of respect for the man. He was clearly broken up by the man who died from the shotgun blast and was confused by the town’s desire to turn him into a hero. Perhaps he is a hero, at least to these people.”

“Kaylee patched up my wounds and I managed a kind of an apology for what had happened. She told me she understood and that it was OK. Later she came to my room to check on me. She sat on the bed and we chatted for a long time. It was nice and I felt very close to her. Kaylee wanted to know why I act so appropriate and I explained that out here, in space, “the black”, that my manners were all I have left of my old life. I’m showing her that I like her by respecting her. I can sense she is frustrated by this.”

Was she ever! He just didn’t…she had never met a man until Simon who didn’t want to get her in bed, or somewhere, within a few minutes of her starting flirting. And…but nothing much else had happened with those men. Not too many what you’d call “dates”. And none had asked her to marry them. Some said they loved her but she thought they were full of it and she had never really loved any of them. She was so glad he was respectful and appropriate but at that time she just…just wanted him!

“Our growing attraction for each other could not overcome a moment of awkwardness when Kaylee made a joke about us having made love last night. My confused memory and clear shock led her to confess she was only joking. Her laughter at my expense was funny, but deep down I had wanted to make love to her, and her raw way of saying it so openly caused me to have endless dreams of Kaylee last night. I barely slept and I’m now quite exhausted”

Mmmm, she’d have to ask him what kind of dreams and if had done anything to “satisfy” himself after. Kaylee realized that for many pages Simon had barely mentioned River and she sensed it was at this time that River was starting to become more like she is now. However, the event with the knife attack on Jayne and the events on Ariel she had yet to read about. She yawned and stretched, and felt it was time for sleep or she too would be exhausted in the morning. She had a full day tomorrow, with an whole ship electronics check to be done, a check of their water supply, a fault panel on the bridge to check, a radiation inspection of the engine room, and it was also Kaylee’s turn to make supper. Perhaps they would raid the food supplies again in the cargo hold and have something nice. She’d have to ask the Capt’n first. Kaylee changed to her silk night dress and slowly crawled into bed, lying down next to her man, hoping he was having dreams of carnal pleasure with her.