Archangel – Chapter Nine Author owns no rights to Firefly and no copy right infringement is intended. -------------------------- Serenity sat down on Beaumond, and the crew prepared to take care of their business. Jayne had appeared in the bay as if it were simply another day, lowering the mule, and loading the cargo without needing to be told. He had been doing that since Miranda. He did what was needed, with no one needing to tell him. Mal and Zoe helped finish the loading, neither speaking much. Jayne wasn’t hostile, but the usual chatter was missing. Zoe hadn’t realized how much they had bantered back and forth until it didn’t happen. She thought about trying again. Trying to make Jayne listen to reason, but one look at his face convinced her it was useless. Mal had told her earlier of his own attempts to make things right. She bit off a sigh as they loaded up. Jayne was leaving. And that was that. Without a word spoken, they set off to deliver the cargo. River watched them go, almost smiling. She would have one last opportunity to convince Jayne to stay. She’d hit him when they returned, a surprise attack. The odds were not in her favor, she knew. But she had a good plan, and plenty of ammunition. She did smile then, as she equated her plans to those of a battle. It was not a ridiculous comparison, though. She would have a fight on her hands, convincing Jayne to stay. ---------------------------- For a wonder, the job went smooth. No trouble, no fuss. Paid on delivery, and promise of more work in the future. Dealing with Inara’s contacts was a much more sedate experience than dealing with their old one’s had been. When the three arrived back at the ship, Jayne took his pay without comment, and left, heading to his bunk to collect his gear. Mal watched him go, his mind racing in a futile attempt to find one more reason for Jayne to stay. One that might convince him. He came up empty though. “Kaylee, you need anything for the engine?” he asked. “No, Cap’n,” Kaylee shook her head, her voice strained. She blamed Mal, and Zoe, for Jayne’s leaving, and hadn’t made any secret of it. “Zoe, Inara and I are goin’ into town. We need to re-supply and this is a good spot for it. We’ll be back soon’s we can. Need to see about. . .need to see to some things,” he amended. He didn’t want to mention that they would be looking for a replacement for Jayne. He didn’t have to. “I’m sure,” Kaylee sniffed, heading toward the stairs. Mal sighed, looking at Simon. “Infirmary okay, Doc?” “Yes,” Simon nodded, watching Kaylee depart longingly. “No one’s been shot in some time,” he added, looking back to the others. “We’re good.” “I’ll just ignore that little barb at my proclivity for bein’ put upon by others,” Mal chuckled. “We’ll be back, soon’s we can. ‘Spect you three can watch the ship.” “We’ll make sure it’s here when you get back,” Simon nodded. ------------------------ River was waiting for Jayne in the galley. As he walked in, she stepped right in front of him. “I have something to say,” she told him without preamble. “You will listen. Please,” she added, when Jayne’s eyes narrowed. He nodded, reluctantly. “I. . .I have a confession to make,” she said timidly. “Last night, I saw part of what haunts you. It was unintentional,” she hastened to add, “it caught me by surprise, and I could not stop it.” “Are you aware, Jayne Cobb, that Kaylee is the key to your problem?” “What are you talkin’ ‘bout?” Jayne frowned. “Did you realize that when she is near you, your anger is in abeyance?” River asked. “That your rage leaves you, completely?” Jayne looked at her, puzzled. “Think, Jayne,” River urged, her voice tinged with desperation. “When she came to you, you were furious. You were almost consumed when you opened the hatch. Yet when you saw Kaylee there, instead of Mal, your anger departed. Left you at once, and did not return until she left.” Jayne frowned in thought, recalling the moment. His eyes narrowed as comprehension slowly came to him. “You’re right,” he said softly, looking at her closely. “I didn’t realize that. But you’re right.” “Do you recall being angry when she. . .visited, you the second time?” River pressed. “When. . .” “She kissed me?” Jayne grinned, and River smiled up at him, eyes twinkling slightly, and nodded. “Your anger was not a part of you, in her presence,” she told him. Jayne looked at her for a moment, then shook his head, as if clearing a haze. “That don’t prove nothin’, little one,” he said gently. Kindly. “But I’m glad you pointed it out.” “It does prove something,” River insisted. Jayne was weakening, but not enough. “It proves that the monster within you can be tamed, Jayne. I have seen the monster you hide,” she nodded firmly. “At least part of it. Not all. I know, partly, how you feel. I have my own monster. Though not so bad, I think, as yours,” she added softly. Jayne looked at the girl. . .no, at the woman before him. “I ‘spect if anyone does, it’d be you,” he nodded finally, his voice still kind. “I hope, River, that you have better luck with your’s,” he told her. “It is not a matter of luck,” River said firmly. “It is a matter of training. And discipline. You can help me, Jayne. As Preacher Man helped you. Stay with her, and help me. Perhaps we can help each other.” “I can’t, River,” Jayne replied, sadly. “I can’t take the chance. Sooner or later, my. . . ‘monster’, will win. I can’t be here when that happens,” he told her plainly. “I can’t, and I won’t. It’s only a matter of time.” “No,” River shook her head. “It is a matter of will, Jayne. You are stronger. I feel it in you, just as I can feel your love for her. And that love will keep you strong. It does not have to be this way. You know I’m right, Jayne,” she whispered, slipping the emotional knife between his ribs. Not too deep, yet, she cautioned herself. “I wish you were, River,” Jayne corrected, his voice taunt with emotion. “I wish that I could be so sure as you are. If I could. . .but I can’t,” he stopped himself. “I can’t. I’ve known since I knew nearly anything that one day I’d. . .that I’d become, unstable, I guess, is the kindest way to put it. That course was set long before I ever set foot aboard Serenity. I can’t change it. Nor can you,” he smiled, a sad smile, full of terrible knowledge. “You know I’m right,” River repeated. “She is the key, Jayne. If you leave, you will be lost. And so will she, without you. She will not be happy, and will not stay. And,” she twisted the knife, just a little, “some of us will die, in your absence. That is certain. I have seen it Jayne,” her voice was anguished. “I have seen it too many times for it to be wrong. We. Need. You.” “I’m sorry, River,” Jayne sighed, stepping to the side. “I wish I could believe that. You have no idea how badly I wish it. Want it to be so. But I can’t take the chance. I can’t.” “She loves you,” River sank the knife to the hilt. On last chance, fleeting though it was. “That’s not fair,” he almost whispered, his voice hoarse with emotion. “That ain’t fair at all.” “All is fair, Jayne,” River replied in the same hushed tones. “In love, and war, all is fair.” He walked on, trudging toward his bunk. River had lost. “We’ll miss you, Jayne Cobb,” she said to his retreating back, just loud enough that he heard her. He paused, but didn’t turn around. “Reckon I’ll miss you, too,” he said, then disappeared into the passageway. River watched him go, despondent in defeat. She had followed her plan, she reasoned. It just hadn’t worked. She was unaccustomed to losing. It was a new experience for her.

-------------------------- Jayne stopped in the cargo bay, looking at his weights and other equipment. He couldn’t take them with him, and he would miss them. True, he could, and would, get more, when he found another place. But these weights he had shared with Book. Hours of mind numbing exercise, frank and honest talk between mentor and student. Between friends. Jayne wondered idly what would have happened, had Book stayed on board. Or if he hadn’t perished on Haven. Would he, Jayne, Michael, have been able to remain? 'It may come to pass, and it may not', Book’s words echoed in his mind. 'Nothing is written in stone, son. You may live a long and healthy life. You are unique among the Brotherhood. Doubly cursed, through no fault of your own. God is not cruel, my son. He may yet offer you a form of happiness'. Jayne pondered on that, settling heavily on the bench, gazing out the cargo door. A form of happiness. What form? What form could happiness take, for a man like him? His way was set long before, through no fault of his own. He had worked past the part of self pity, long ago. It didn’t help, and it wasted precious time. Time he couldn’t replace, or make up later. Was Kaylee his form of happiness? River had been right about one thing. Kaylee’s presence, her touch, had the ability to do something that all the useless drugs and training he’d endured had never been able to do. Calm the rage that coursed through him. But what kind of life could he offer her, in return? He could never have children. Book had been adamant about that. The virus would be passed along to his offspring, possibly mutated. Worse than what he suffered. Even without the admonition from Book, Jayne would never have done such a cruel thing. No child deserved that. He had been given no choices in his life. He would not visit that same cruelty upon another generation of. . . . Of what? He snorted faintly. He didn’t even know his real name. Not his last name. He’d taken Vera Cobb’s last name, when he took to the black. Her first name too, in honor of the only person who had ever loved him. Ever had any kind of faith in him. 'She gave up her life to spare yours', Book had told him. She’d left the military, the only life she’d ever known, in order to keep him alive. That was love. There was no other word for it. He had taken her name in honor of her. He’d endured a great deal of razzing over the years, being a man with a girl’s name. Though he feigned outrage at the jokes, he never really cared, inside. He knew where the name came from, and wore it proudly. A monument to the woman who had taken him in, and raised him as her own. But what kind of monument could he offer Kaylee Frye? A girl like her, from a big family, would want children of her own. And he could not give them to her. Could not, and would not. She deserved to know that, he decided all at once. She deserved to know why he was leaving. She loved him, just as Janine Cobb had once loved him. That love had earned her the right to know his secret. And what if it didn’t matter? That hit him with a start. If River was right, and she usually was, then Kaylee might well be the one thing in the ‘verse that could keep him centered and whole. Cage the fury that always lurked beneath the surface, fighting for a way out. The one person he dared to love since Vera Cobb had taken him home. Could he stay? Even now? Mal had offered him the chance to stay, and it had seemed sincere enough. Maybe the Captain did want him to stay, even if it was just to keep from having to find a new gunman. If. . . 'If, if, if', he snorted. 'I am not built for all this thinkin’ and ponderin’, he told himself. 'But I am goin’ to tell Kaylee Frye the truth. If anyone deserves to know, it’s. . .' “Copper for ya thought?” Kaylee’s voice startled him out of his reverie. He looked up at the source of his musings, and smiled. “Worth a lot more than that, Kaylee gal,” he told her bluntly. “I was sittin’ here thinkin’ ‘bout you.” Kaylee colored nicely at that. She sat down on the bench in front of him, leaning back into his bulk. Without the need for conscious thought, Jayne’s arms encircled her, drawing her to him. She sighed in contentment. “Thinkin’ maybe ya might stay on here, with me?” she asked, trying to keep the wistful hope from her voice. “Thinkin’ ‘long them lines,” he told her honestly. Kaylee started at that, the answer so unexpected. She turned to look up at him. “You ain’t playin’ with me, are ya Jayne?” she asked. “Nope,” he I kissed her forehead. “I ain’t. I was thinkin’ on something River said to me, earlier. She was talkin’ to me ‘bout my. . .issues, let’s call’em. Seems you have some kinda calmin’ effect on me, Kaylee. Never noticed it afore. Should have,” he added, frowning in thought. “Calmin’ effect?” Kaylee looked puzzled. “You didn’t seem all that calm th’other night, Jayne,” she teased lightly, still not daring to hope. “No,” he laughed softly, hugging her tighter. “No, the one thing I wasn’t the other night was calm. But I wasn’t mad no more, neither,” he added. “And that’s somethin’, for me.” “So I keep ya from bein’ mad all the time?” Kaylee frowned herself now. “That ain’t quite what I was hopin’ had changed your mind, ya know.” “It’s more than that,” he told her softly. “I sometimes get mad for no reason, Kaylee. I can’t help it. Ain’t never been able to. That’s one o’ the reasons I told you couldn’t nothin’ be between us. I was scared sooner or later I’d lash out, not meanin’ to, and you’d be in the way of it. I. . .I couldn’t bear that, Kaylee. Couldn’t live with it.” “You wouldn’t hurt me, Jayne,” Kaylee smiled softly, and Jayne’s heart hammered in his chest. She was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. “No, I’d never mean to hurt you,” he whispered into her hair. “But that don’t mean I wouldn’t, by accident. Only,” he smiled now, “seems when you’re around, I ain’t so angry. So maybe that ain’t a thing to be feared no more.” “You said that was one o’ the reasons,” Kaylee pointed out, a small tendril of dread unfurling inside her. “Are there others?” Jayne looked at her, so soft, so kind, so wonderful in his arms. “I can’t give ya no children, Kaylee,” he told her gently. “I know you hail from a big bunch, and likely want young’uns o’ your own, but I can’t. . .what?” He broke off as a tear fell down her face. “Jayne,” she said softly, “I can’t have no children,” she told him softly. “Ain’t got the. . .equipment for it, no more. Had a surgery when I was a child, and they took out my ovaries. I’ll never have no young’uns. Ain’t possible.” “I’m sorry, Kaylee,” he whispered to her. “I had no idea. . .wait a minute,” he looked at her, anger marring his features. “Is that why you and the doc. . .” She hushed him with her fingers along his lips. “Shhh,” she told him softly. “Don’t be thinkin’ on that now. Or never. Wasn’t for him being. . .him, I wouldn’t be in your arms right this minute, Jayne Cobb. And I ain’t never wanted nothin’ so much as I want this. Never.” She punctuated that with a kiss. “Did you think I knew, and that’s why I. . .?” Again she silenced him with her lips, kissing him softly. “No,” she told him, her hand caressing his face. “I didn’t. I just didn’t understand why you was so set on leavin’. Especially after. . .” she broke off, blushing suddenly at the memory of the passion that had passed between them. “You know, if I stay on, and you‘n me get together, Mal’s gonna have some kind o’ fit,” he told her, almost smiling. Kaylee turned then, easing into his lap, her arms circling his neck. “Let him,” she breathed, her breath hot on his jaw as she nibbled lightly on his ear. “He ain’t my daddy, and I’m right tired o’ him actin’ that way. If he won’t see reason, you can still go. Only,” she trailed her way down to his neck, “I’ll go with you.” “I wouldn’t want you to have to leave here,” Jayne managed to gasp out. “I know how much Serenity means to you.” Kaylee stopped suddenly, and looked him square in the eye. “Would you give up Vera, for me?” she asked bluntly. Jayne never even thought. “In a heartbeat,” he nodded. “Wouldn’t even think on it.” “Well Serenity don’t mean no more to me, than Vera does to you,” she told him, grinning. “I ‘spect I’ll miss her. But I bet me and you can go ‘bout anywhere we want to, and get work. On near any ship we pleased.” “Well, I can’t imagine no Captain worth his weight in salt turning down a genius mechanic, that’s for sure,” he smiled. “Or a big ole hulkin’ merc, neither,” she teased. “We’ll make it, Jayne. If not here, then somewhere else. But we’ll make it.” “Well, then,” he smiled down at her, “I can’t see no reason why I can’t. . .” “Reavers!” Jayne turned quickly to see River running down the steps, face showing her alarm. “Reavers hitting atmo!” “Where are they?” Jayne asked, standing. Kaylee let out a muffled squeal, and grabbed Jayne’s arm in terror. “Here!” River told him, running for the cargo door. “They’re headed straight for the dock!”