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BLUE SUN ROOM FAN FICTION - HUMOR
Kaylee goes fangirl for an actor she admires, and Mal tries to hide from his birthday. As usual, things never seem to go right....just an idea that would not leave my head...thoughts are in ~ brackets. Leave comments please!
CATEGORY: FICTION TIMES READ: 1122 RATING: 10 SERIES: FIREFLY
Kaylee's Day Off.....by bigbadjayne
Once again: don't own 'em, not making any money, and so on.
She stood there excited, in the dining area, eyes shining, clutching the poster. It was small and garish, a capture of a obviously handsome man looking out over an adoring throng. Exclamations in three languages were plastered over it. Kaylee had three passions in her life. The first was Serenity's engines, the second the young Doctor from Osiris who had recently joined the crew, Simon Tam, and the last was strawberries. That is, these were the ones known to the crew. There was a final one: Dexter Chan. Star of stage and screen, known throughout the 'Verse as the heart-throb's heart-throb.
"The movie actor?" Mal asked, both amused and concerned. "Kaylee, we don't have time for you to go runnin' off to see some ho-tze duh pigu film star. Got work needs to be done."
"Yes we do, Cap'n," the mechanic replied, not put off by her Captain's gruffness. She knew exactly how cuddly he really was. "He's gonna be on Paquin, an' that's our next stop. Can I go, Cap'n, pleeaase?" She stood there, drawing out the please, giving Mal the puppy eyes. The rest of the crew just watched as this went on, various expressions of amusement on their faces. Most of them were sitting at the table, the weekly meeting having just finished up.
"You'd better let her go, Sir," Zoe gave her weigh-in on the subject. "Grumpy mechanics' are not hard-workin' ones."
"And lazy ones don't have jobs." Mal shot back, he was not about to be badgered into this. "You best get everything done 'fore you go gallivantin' off to this beau of yours."
Simon's head shot up at the word 'beau', his look a trifle hurt.
"He's not my beau, Cap'n.” Kaylee replied, smiling. "But he's just so swai.."
Mal looked pointedly at her, completely disinterested. "Uh-huh, sure. Best get on the job, Lil' Kaylee, time's wastin'. And no more jerry-riggin' in the engine room, place looked like a spider made t'home in there last time."
"Kuh-ooh duh lao boa jurn." Kaylee muttered.
"What's that?" Mal retorted, "I'm seein' engine overhauls once we land on Paquin."
Kaylee started, open-mouthed. "Captain!"
Inara looked at Mal, clearly irritated. "Why do you have to torment her so? She works so hard to keep this bucket going." She stared at him, daring the captain to respond.
"'Cause if she's not workin' hard, she's off gettin' her hair played at an' the whole engine room goes straight to hell. Now how 'bout you don't tell me how to Captain and I don't tell you how to whore?" Mal winced internally, but refused to let it show, if she wanted a fight, he'd give her one, smitten engineer or no. Inara stood there, angered but not surprised. It hadn't been the first time he'd called that. "Typical." she remarked.
"Birthday comin' up again soon Sir?" Zoe asked knowingly. Mal always got irritable when his birthday came around. He didn't like being reminded of his age. Zoe could always tell when this was happening, as he was prone to start more fights to get people to leave him alone.
"You’re Birthday?" Kaylee asked, excited. "We can have a party!"
"No, we can't." Mal turned on her, ignoring Zoe's question for the moment. He knew if he didn't nip Kaylee's ideas in the bud quickly, they would start planning and then there'd be no end of fussin'. "Ain't my birthday, anyway. No need for all that fuss. I'm not havin' a party, dong ma?" the last was directed at Kaylee. "And 'sides, you're gonna need all your time to clear the engine room before you get to see your actor."
"Yessir, Cap'n." Kaylee mock-saluted.
Mal looked down as he stood up leave. "I mean it now, no undue notions. I don't want a party, no presents, an' no gorram cake. Is everybody clear on this?"
The crew nodded various agreements. Mal turned and left the room, heading for the bridge. Zoe looked to the crew.
"Okay, so the plan is this.." And the crew huddled in, whispering to themselves.
A day later, as the ship settled on Paquin, the crew got ready to make landfall, in various stages of dress. Zoe and Wash had gotten dressed up for a nice dinner, began to head out, when Kaylee came down the stairs towards the cargo bay. She wore a pink and yellow floral dress, with cream-colored knee high boots. Inara had helped with her hair and makeup, and she felt like a million credits. She practically skipped up to the group.
"Everybody ready?" she asked, delighted at the prospect of meeting her favorite actor. She'd performed every one of Mal's enumerable tasks with aplomb and deference, not wanting to complain lest he revoke her trip in some fit of pique. Zoe had been proven right, the closer they'd gotten to his birthday, the surlier he'd become, until nearly everyone was afraid to go near him. He usually was present when the crew was about to disembark, but this time he was nowhere to be seen. "Cap'n's not here," Kaylee remarked, "is he still sulking?"
Zoe smiled at the thought of Mal acting like he was three. It was a fair assessment. "He's down in his bunk, won't come out, he says." She linked arms with Wash, "Ready, honey?"
Wash looked at his lady fair. "My love, please accompany me to some small and not-too-overpriced eatery, where I might fete' you."
"Have you been drinkin', husband?" she asked him, an eyebrow raised.
"Not yet, why, will I need to?" he asked in mock sincerity. "Check's gonna be that bad?"
Zoe shook her head, laughing, and they set out. Simon walked up to Kaylee, River in tow.
"Is this an open show for this Dexter, or more like a private meeting?" He asked. The younger Tam rolled her eyes at the obviously jealous older brother. Kaylee tried to take it in stride. "You wanna come see him?" she asked, her excitement rising. "I didn't know you liked movie people."
"Normally, I don't. I just want to see what's so fabulous about him." Simon sniffed. "It's not like he saves people for real, just in holos." Simon was referring to the holo Kaylee had not stopped talking about for two weeks, where Dexter's character saved Shinon from an Alien armada singlehandedly. The film, even by Kaylee's admission, wasn't very good, but it hadn't mattered to her one bit. Dexter the handsome, Dexter the virile, and Dexter the oh-so-swai was in it. That had been enough. ~On second thought~ "Never mind." Simon said, "I'd just get in the way of it anyway. Let's go, River. I'll take you to get a ice planet."
River scrunched up her face. "I hate those." She reminded him. "Too problematic."
They went on their way. Kaylee turned, looking for the others. Jayne was coming to the ramp, in his usual tough-guy outfit. T-shirt and cargo pants were all he owned, it seemed sometimes. "Why don't you ever get dressed up, like on Triumph?" she asked sincerely, she'd liked that hat, and striped shirt.
Jayne, as usual, was crude and to the point. "Just gettin' sexed, Kayleegirl, ain't gonna propose to 'em." he replied, then as he looked at her. "An' I ain't asking for an autograph."
Kaylee simply sighed, he was being himself. "More than I wanna know, Jayne." She walked off, leaving the ship behind.
Mal sat in his bunk, trying to read, but feeling depressed. ~They forgot,~ he thought dejectedly. ~It's my gorram birthday, and they forgot.~ He was aware how hypocritical he sounded, but at the same time, he did want the fuss..He just didn't want to seem like he wanted it. But everyone had left the ship without saying so much as goodbye to him. Then again, if he hadn't acted like such a donkey's ass during the week, they probably would be here right now.
Still, he reasoned, no point in moping about it. He told them to do nothing, and he'd gotten it in spades. So he sat, and tried to read Melville.
Kaylee made her way through the throngs of tourists and fans, having finally made it to the ticket booth. A 'sold-out' sign appeared just before she got to the booth, her normally cheerful disposition giving way to a frown. But she was determined to see the man she so admired, and nothing was going to stop her. She'd come a long way and put up with too much in that engine room to be denied. A second booth opened, and a rush of fans, mostly female, made a mad dash towards it. She got in line, patiently, and thirty minutes and a small fortune in coin later, Kaylee made her way inside the darkened theatre. The room was spacious, the acoustics turning the animated chatter going on between fans into a cachaphony of sounds. She found her seat and waited, looking around at the other fans in the audience, many of them young girls like herself. In the seat next to her, a young Chinese girl with large eyes and a "Chan's my man" t-shirt in calligraphy on the front, turned around to talk with her.
"Isn't this amazing?" the girl asked in an excited rush. "I've been here two days now, waiting for tickets." She held a hand out. "I'm May."
Kaylee, always eager to make new friends, took the hand and shook it with enthusiasm. She introduced herself. "Two whole days?" she replied, unsure of how long she'd sit in one spot for anyone, let alone someone she wasn't dating. "How'd you manage?"
"Not too bad," May confessed, "But honestly, some of these girls are just fong luh." She pointed to a threesome two isles away, standing up and waving a banner that read "We'd leave our man for Dexter Chan" and singing loudly. Kaylee had to agree, that was probably taking it a mite too far. "Well, they're just all manner of caught up, that's all, but singin's not something I'm up to."
May smiled, and they passed some time talking about the films of Dexter's that they'd both seen..Including the early one with the nudity. That one, they both agreed was one of the greats, despite the tacked-on narration and poor script, simply by virtue of same aforementioned lack of clothing. Anything with Dexter half-clothed was considered good.
Suddenly, the room darkened, the house lights flashing briefly for a few moments, and the low chatter that was taking place, first descended into a low murmur, then a near-deafening frenzy as the stage lights went on and the theme from Dexter's popular Cortex series, 'Code Name Manhunter' began to play. Some of the girls in the first few rows could not contain themselves, and rushed to the front of the stage, waving gifts that ranged from shirts to home-made versions of his costume from the show. Then the stage lights lowered, and a white fog seeped out from behind the curtain, wafting down into the audience. The frenzy became a scream of excitement. The show was about to begin.
Wash and Zoe made their way back from dinner, and towards a bakery. Their goal was simple, buy the ugliest birthday cake they could find. Zoe knew Mal well enough to know the off-putting behavior was just a smokescreen. Deep inside Mal simply didn't like being reminded of his age, but did like the attention. She knew he wanted a birthday, but being a man of basically simple needs did not like feeling he was putting people out. It was ridiculous, but so many of Mal's contradictions usually were. After a brief time walking down the thoroughfare, they found what they were looking for. It was three layers of ugly, black frosting with bright green lettering. The cake was edible, the baker assured them, just designed for those 'over-the-hill' office parties popular with some companies. A tombstone added to the overall feeling of despair the cake generated. Zoe thought it was perfect. They left with it, the couple laughing half way down the street at the notion of Mal's face when he saw it.
Jayne made his way through the crowds of the open market, the list of presents in his hand. The crew had all pitched in to buy a few gifts for the reluctant birthday boy, chief among them a new shirt and pair of suspenders. The crew generally agreed that the ones Mal typically wore were becoming tacky and threadbare. He'd found the suspenders, the shirt was still another matter. He kept looking, searching for one that Zoe insisted must be red or brown.
He found the one, it was burgundy. Perfect.
Kaylee sat with her new friend, eyes lit up as she watched the Dexter Chan Alliance Tour and Extravaganza. It was so far nothing that the poster had promised. Dexter had popped out exactly twice in a half hour, while acrobats and jugglers did the majority of the work to a selection of Dexter's movie themes that would have been considered boring played in a senior center. The moments that Dexter had been on stage were just that, moments. The poster had promised Dexter personally greeting the attendees, an autograph session and capture op, all within one hour. The show was already half over and the man hadn’t even said boo to anyone, let alone sign something. She was trying to remain positive, but it was becoming harder as the minutes passed and the 'promised land' of Dexter himself seemed farther and farther away.
Kaylee wanted the capture op most of all, a chance to hug the man, ~maybe even~ her mind wandered ~god forbid, a peck on the cheek~ but that seemed about as far away as Earth-that-was. The autograph was secondary at best. It was starting to seem like it would not happen. Then, at the end of the show, Dexter came out in a fabulously-embroidered outfit, sequins and rhinestones sparkling, and waved to the crowd, bare-chest displayed to the world. He waved at the audience and thanked then for coming in three languages, then a booming voice came over the loudspeakers inviting special ticket purchasers to the capture op at an extra charge. Of one hundred credits.
Many of the girls, May included, did not have the money but seemed to be happy with what they got, began filing out of the theatre. Their dreams would be filled of the spectacle for months, they were sure. Kaylee sat there, the last of her cheerfulness blown asunder by the obvious rip-off nature of the so-called Extravaganza. With a frown etched into her face, she got up and began marching down the isle to the foot of the stage, looking for the stairs. The event security men noticed her and quickly blocked the stairways leading up to the stage. Or so they thought.
Kaylee had gotten through a few lines in her life. She feinted one way and then side-stepped the lumbering guard, moving past him and up the stairs, then moving quickly once behind stage, she began looking for Dexter on her own, weaving in and out between stagehands and acrobats while she searched. The backstage area was a hustle of people and equipment, Kaylee almost wished she had time to see what they were doing, but single-mindedness had taken its hold on her, a hold that only Dexter could satisfy. She was almost spotted once, managed to avoid the guards and made it back to Dexter's dressing room. The door was cracked open, she could hear everything. She crouched low near a potted plant by the door to listen.
"I'm telling you, these rim world tours are a pain in the pigu!" this was Dexter's voice, she would have recognized it anywhere. "Just a bunch of stupid, simpering fan girls throwing flowers and their underwear at me, God, it's disgusting!"
"Just calm down, Dex," this voice was unfamiliar to Kaylee. "We got two more stops and then you're off 'til they start shooting the sequel to Bloodnight."
Dexter groaned. "That piece of gose?" there was a grunt and then a crashing sound, then Dexter continued his tirade. "I have to do another one of those? How many times can I bite someone's neck, for cryin' out loud.?"
The other voice said, suggestively, "Miao Yen's going to be in it."
There was a pregnant pause, then Kaylee's dream-man spoke, and his voice sounded like a schoolboy's. "Do you think she really will?" he sounded over-excited to Kaylee, like it was Christmas come early. "You, you wouldn't lie to me, Marvin, she's coming this time?" There was a beat and then "Of course you'd lie to me, you're my agent."
"Who loves you like a son," Marvin the agent replied.
"You sent your son to an Alliance reformatory for selling my underwear over the Cortex." Dexter countered. "And not cutting you in for your twenty percent. Who in Buddha's name can I trust in this 'Verse?" he sounded depressed. Kaylee wanted to instinctive walk in to try and cheer him up. Summoning up all her courage, she got up from crouching behind the plant and peered around the door. She got a glimpse of what she assumed to be Marvin, a pudgy, bespectacled man in a neat suit who was sorting through what appeared to be fan mail, and a small pile of underwear that had been collected from the lower portions of the stage. He picked it all up after a moment and threw it into a garbage chute, rubbing his hands briskly. Kaylee fought an urge to laugh. Peering through the crack of the door, she next saw Dexter, who sat there in a dressing robe and looked fit to cry.
"No one, that's who." Dexter answered his own question. "Can't trust no one. Not even you."
"Dexter, babe, I'm always here for ya..." Marvin replied, trying to soothe the jangled actor's nerves. "I know what you need...little company, huh?..get ya back in that saddle. We don't need that jien huo Miao Yen, do we, nahh..not my Dexter." Marvin picked up the personal comm. "Get me the backstage entrance. Hello, Chen? Yeah, any girls down there still?" there was a moment, and Marvin looked outraged. "Whaddaya mean they all left?" the manager yelled into the phone. "I told ya to shoo away the ugly ones, not all of 'em!"
Okay, Kaylee, here's your chance..go in there an' kiss 'im! The mechanic thought to herself, and moved out from behind the door. "Hi." she said a mite sheepishly. "I'm here."
Dexter jumped up, startled, and Marvin swiveled his head to the door. "Ah..never mind, Chen, there's one here now. Yeah, she'll do." Marvin's expression went from appraising to salacious.
She'll do? Kaylee though in response. What am I, a plate of noodles? she tried to push the insulting behavior of the manager aside "What's wrong, Dexter?" she asked, concerned. She tried to ignore the manager, but the obverse was not the same. Marvin took her gently by the shoulders and led her back outside the door, closing it behind him with his foot. "Hey-" Kaylee stammered, trying to pull herself away from the ugly little man.
"Just a second, honey-" the manager tried to relax Kaylee, who was definitely not used to being jostled around. "Lissen, Dex's under a lot of pressure, 'kay, and-"
"Let go o'me!" Kaylee retorted, disliking the manager intensely was not a hard task for her, considering he was trying to back her into a corner. "I'll gorram scream ya don't get your paws off-"
"Sshhhh!" Marvin tried to quiet down the quickly angering mechanic. "I'm not tryin' anything, just listen a sec." Marvin let go of her and smoothed back what was left of his hair. "Dexter's burnt out, he's ready to quit." Marvin looked panic-stricken at the thought. "I just need you to give him a lil' boost."
"I'm not boostin' nothin’, you touch me again." Kaylee grumbled. She smoothed out her dress, looked at the manager, irritation clear on her face.
"Now, c'mon honey," Marvin soothed. "Yer back here for a reason, right?"
"Well, yeah," Kaylee admitted, guilty. She did want to see him closer, but just how close was a debatable matter right now.
"And you're not supposed to be back here, are ya?" Marvin began working his charm, it had worked on fans like this before, and he saw no reason to think it wouldn't serve him again. "I mean, you don't exactly have a stage pass now, do you?" he smiled. "You'd be in a lotta trouble if they caught you back here."
"I..I don't want no trouble.." Kaylee was unsure. He's gonna call the feds! was the first thing she thought. Visions of jail cells filled her head. "I'll just leave, 'kay, mister?"
"Call me Marvin." the manager tried to look pleased, it didn't quite make it to his face. "But who said you had to go? I didn't. Just go in there and give Dexter what he needs..."
"Needs?" Kaylee asked, alarms going off in her head.
"Yeah, you know, a little..magic." He raised an eyebrow, and Kaylee understood immediately.
"Oh." then, she smiled. "Oh..sure. I got it." she smiled at the manager, looked coyly at him. "I can do that."
"Well, go on then." Marvin egged her on, eager to see his client's mood improved. "Trust me, he'll know what to do."
"Oh, so will I." Kaylee smiled back at the manager. She opened the door and walked inside, closing it behind her. Dexter looked at her apprehensively. She smiled her best cheery smile, said, "Hi, Mr. Chan, I'm Kaylee." she walked over to him, trying to keep the smile going. He relaxed when he sensed what Marvin must have sent her in for.
"You can call me Dexter, Kaylee." He smiled his megawatt smile, turning the charm on full throttle. Kaylee walked up to him, looked over at a green glass bottle sitting in an ice bucket. "Oh, gosh," she gushed, "is that shimmerwine?"
Dexter smiled. Good ol' Marvin, he thought, always finds 'em cute and stupid. "Want some?" he offered, reached for the bottle.
"Oh, no, you're tired," Kaylee smiled, took the bottle from the bucket. "Let me do that." she lifted the bottle and hefting it, put her thumb over the opening and shook it in Dexter's direction, spraying the actor with a generous dose of ice cold liquor straight into his chest and crotch. "Here's your magic!"
Kaylee growled as the whining actor vainly tried to cover himself, the bottle emptied, Kaylee set it down on the table , where it tipped over. Dexter looked up, dripping wet, at the infuriated mechanic and was met with a resounding slap in the face.
"Ta ma, ni sh ge er xin bian tai!" Kaylee angrily yelled, "Suan le ba!" and moved for the door. "You think I'm just some jien huo?-" Shoving the door open it caught Marvin square in the face. The manager crumpled to the ground, clutching his nose, which began bleeding. Kaylee made for the first exit in a hurry and disappeared into the night.
Meanwhile, Mal sat at the dinner table, in semi-darkness, finishing off a bowl of rice. Most of the crew had gone out to eat, being planetside they could take their choice, and did so. Mal stayed onboard, alone on his boat for the first time in a while. He was a tad glum, but all in all, not too bad a day. Still, might've been gorram shiny if someone'd remembered, even Inara went off..
Zoe came round the table, and Mal hadn't even noticed she'd entered the room. "Wah!" he exclaimed. "You women need to stop doin' that 'round the Captain of this boat-"
"How's the birthday goin', Sir?" Zoe asked, a trace of a smile on her face.
"Everythin's fine, just shiny.." Mal answered, trying to be evasive. "Good meal, some alone time, not bad."
The look on his face spoke volumes to Zoe. He was miserable. "Everyone?"
The lights flicked on, and the crew came out from hiding, Wash and Jayne holding what had to be the ugliest birthday cake Mal had ever seen. It was black with green icing and a tombstone. It read, 'Over the Hill' and 'Happy Birthday Cap'n' Tightpants'..the crew surrounded the table, the notable exception being Kaylee, who was conspicuously absent.
Mal was taken aback, genuinely delighted, even if the cake was a 'gorram nightmare' in Jayne's estimation. "I'm..humbled," Mal began, "truly. Very touched. Thank You."
The presents were opened, the shirt Jayne picked out being an outstanding moment, as everyone's
expectation of his taste would have included half-naked women on neckties. Kaylee's present was unwrapped, it being a compression coil. The note read, "Next time don't sulk." in bright red letters, then 'Happy Birthday, Cap'n. Love, Kaylee'. Zoe's present of extra ammo was especially thoughtful, considering Mal was about to run out. River and Simon selected another shirt, blue in color. Wash gave him a tea mug with the phrase 'Verse's Best Captain' on it. Mal stared long at it and then at Wash, who shrugged and smiled somewhat guiltily. Inara had hand-painted Mal's birth date in Chinese Zodiac, in calligraphy, complete with a picture of a dragon. It was beautifully presented and framed. Mal, for once in his life with that woman on board, was rendered speechless. He looked up to thank Inara, but she simply smiled and said "You're welcome, Captain. Happy Birthday." and went back to making tea for the group.
A few moments later Kaylee came storming mad into the galley. "Hey, Kaylee," Zoe called out, "You missed the presents, but have tea and cake."
The mechanic walked past her and the rest of the crew. "Just a moment." she said and went into her bunk. River followed. Kaylee made her way down, then systematically began destroying every piece of Dexter Chan memorabilia she had, while River peered into the bunk to watch. Without a moments' hesitation, she bundled it up into a trash bag, walked back to the galley, and stuffed it into the incinerator, switching it on.
"Next time I go all fong luh over anyone ain't normal, someone shoot me." she said, then sat down in a huff at the end of the table. It was the last time she ever mentioned Dexter Chan in anyone's presence, a fact which left Simon Tam infinitely glad.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008 12:29 AM
Tuesday, February 05, 2008 2:25 AM
Tuesday, February 12, 2008 6:31 AM
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