Mal was trying his best to hump it up the ramp and to his quarters without being noticed, but Zoe bellowing "honey, we're home" as she trailed behind him shot those plans to hell. Lil' Kaylee was in the cargo bay and, taking one look at him, tore back to the infirmary shouting the doc's name. "Captain." Shepherd Book was using that concerned, Shepherdy voice as he came at him from the weight bench, on line to intercept him before he reached the stairs. "Is there something wrong? Have you been injured?" " Tain't nothin'." Mal sidestepped Book before the preacher could lay hands on him, or pull away the fingers he was holding over his nose and left eye. "What happened?" Oh great, now gorram Simon was there, with that purposeful I'm in medical charge attitude, trying to get a look. "Nothing," Mal snapped, jerking his elbow closer to his body. "Might be you need to take a look, Doc." Mal shot Zoe his best one-eyed glare. "No, he doesn't," he ground out, heading again for the steps. "Seriously." Zoe was all poker face. "Might have damaged your eye, Sir. You should get it checked." "Eye?" Simon went on alert like a bird dog on point. "Is there bleeding?" He addressed this to Zoe, as if Mal couldn't answer on his own. "No," Mal answered coldly, spinning back around to face the doc. "There is no bleeding. Just need a little ice is all." "If you've possibly injured your eye you should really let me look." "I agree with the doctor, Captain," Book intoned, blocking access to the stairway. "Someone poke an eye out?" Jayne's voice was excited as he descended the stairs from the foredeck. "What is it with you two when you get off the ship?" asked Wash, right behind him. "Zoe, you ok?" "I'm fine, husband. The captain has got himself a little injury." "Who did he insult this time?" "Wash, that ain't fair. Cap'n don't always get hit on accoun' a his startin' a fight." "Not always, only mostly," snorted Jayne. "Would you please let me look?" Simon asked again. "I really must insist---" "Bi zui!" The yell made his nose smart. "Fine, here, look!" Mal removed his hand from his eye for a flash, then covered it again. "I'll get that ice." Kaylee disappeared into the infirmary. "Nice shiner," Wash whistled. "What happened?" "As I said before the crowd gathered, nothing. Got hit. Has happened a time or two before. If you got nothing better to think on, got some tanks could use a scraping." "Someone's touchy," Wash commented in a stage whisper. "Must've lost." "I ain't touch - ow!" Mal slapped Simon's hand away from his nose. "You mind, Doc? That hurt. I ain't touchy and no one lost." "Why's the captain touchy, lambytoes?" "Can't say for sure, dear. I expect it's just because his face is sore where he got hit." "Which brings us back to what hit him. The bridge of your nose took a good wallop, but it wasn't from a fist." Simon took the ice Kaylee offered and handed it to Mal, who resignedly placed it against his nose. "Does it matter?" Mal had a headache and it wasn't entirely due to his injury. "We only want to know so we can go forth and vanquish those who have harmed our captain!" "I think you're pushing it, dear." "I think she's damn right." "Besides, there's not exactly a way to retaliate." "Zoe..." It was gorram hard to look threatening with ice over half your face. "Well what happened? Cause the more the Cap'n don't talk, the more interestin' the story gets." "He is being quite the man of mystery." "You'd know, Preacher." Man's infernally smug smile was worse'n all of Zoe's insinuations together. "Was it a rock?" Simon asked, lifting the ice for another look. "Yes, a rock," Mal seized on the doc's explanation. "Lucky it didn't break the skin." " ' cause it was only made to break your teeth." "Wait - You was eatin' rocks?" "Celebratory confections." Mal groaned. This was all he needed, lil' reader tellin' all. "Bestowed upon spectators of the village parade. At 60 miles per hour." She twirled around Mal and looked up into his face. "Thought your reflexes were better." "I wasn't lookin' !" Mal pulled the bag of ice off his face and stomped up the stairs. "Weren't expecting to be near-blinded by twelve-year-olds whippin' ---missiles --- at unsuspectin' folk." "Surprise," River intoned, all seriousness in that creepy way of hers. "Brung us all down here on account of you got hit in the face with candy? At a parade? " Jayne called after him. "Gorram, Mal, be a man, why don't ya." The merc paused, as if waiting for Mal's reaction. "Did ya at least pick it up? Ya bring any back for the rest a us?" In answer, several chunks of rock candy hurtled down from the catwalk. "Ow! Gorram!" "Ow! Honey, he hit me." Seconds later a bag of ice followed the same route and slammed to the bay floor. "Yes dear." Zoe lifted the bag and handed it to Wash. "He did."