I own nothing.

----

Passengers had never been his best idea, even if they did provide some quick cashy money, Mal mused to himself as Jayne rushed towards Mrs. Benson, the passenger in question, with a roar and an upraised fist. Like as not they'd bring more trouble than they were worth. Of course, Mal qualified as the passenger flipped the big merc onto his back with a thud, the dainty looking ones were usually the worst.

"Isn't this a nice birthday present, Jayne," the little blonde woman said. "Two weeks late, too, as you'll recall."

"I ain't ever gave you anything nice, anyhow. You'd just blow it up."

"Well, it isn't like I didn't give you fair warning. I did name the bear 'Explodey'."

"I'm sensing some history here," Mal said. "Jayne, you get up off the floor and tell me what the story is."

Jayne drew himself up with a dignity Simon would applaud or, more likely, disbelieve. "Mrs. Benson," he said with a sneer. "This is Captain Reynolds. Mal, this is my sister, Thomas."

Mal's mouth opened and closed for a minute, and then asked the first sensible question that came to mind: "Your younger sister, I'm assuming?"

"Actually, I'm older."

"By four gorram minutes!"

"Four minutes, four years... regardless, it's been ten years since I've been Mrs. Benson, so you'd think you'd be used to it by now."

"He married you and didn't even invite us to the wedding, never mind asking permission. And where is he, anyhow? Too scared to face me like the man he ain't?"

"He stayed at home, taking care of the baby you'd know about if I knew where to send letters to."

"Well, it ain't like you ever told anybody where you'd be, either, Thomas," Jayne growled at the blonde. "You never even told Ma."

"I did so tell Ma. I told her not to tell you 'cause we were fighting and I didn't want you to shoot Mark."

"I wouldn'ta shot him anywhere important."

"If you'd had your way you wouldn't have ever become an uncle, Jayne."

"Well, now that we've got that out of the way," Mal said, starting to feel real anxious about a sibling feud coming into full fruition in his cargo bay.

"Well, not by him, anyhow," Jayne ploughed on, ignoring Mal. "I never even liked him before I found out everyone from Dyton Colony'd double-cross you like a low-down, dirty... double-crosser."

"Mal," Inara said from where she was standing on the catwalks, beside River. "Is there some sort of a problem?"

"Nah," said Mal, still looking somewhat confusedly between the two siblings. "It seems our Hero of Canton has a twin sister he never told us about. Turns out Thomas Benson is, well, her. Also turns out there's some unresolved family conflict," he said with a wince as Thomas' voice hit a particularly screechy note.

"My fault Mattie hasn't gotten better? How is it my fault?"

"I suppose that explains the names, doesn't it?" said Inara. "Some painkillers can cause people to get a little... whimsical."

Mal started walking up the steps towards Inara. "Indeed they do," Mal said. "I myself was nearly named Sparkles, if the doctor hadn't interferred.”

"Well, what do you suggest we do about this... feud?" Inara said.

"She paid in advance," Mal said speculatively, "so we could just wait until one of 'em kills the other." Catching Inara's look, he quickly said that he had been joking, although he still thought that seperating the passenger and Jayne would be for the best.

"That may be," Inara said. "But it looks like River's got a plan of her own." The ship's resident psychic/pilot/assassin/mercenary/crazy-person was tiptoeing across the floor towards the arguing twins. She didn't need to try very hard to go unnoticed, since she was largely hidden from Thomas' view by Jayne's bulk, and Jayne was facing the other direction. She snuck up behind Jayne, waited for a pause in the shouting, and smacked him upside the head.

"Ow!" he said, reeling around to glare at River. "What did I do?"

"That was from your mother," she said. "Apologize to your sister for trying to shoot her husband. But first," River said, stomping over to Thomas. She whipped out a wooden spoon from one of the many pockets she and Kaylee had sewn into her dress, and rapped Thomas on her knuckles. "Also from your mother," she said. "Apologize to your brother for eloping."

Jayne scuffed his boots on the floor, looking very much the reprimanded schoolboy. "Sorry I tried to shoot Mark," he muttered.

Thomas looked between her brother and the strange girl brandishing a wooden spoon. "I'm... sorry I didn't tell about the wedding," she said eventually. "And... and how did you do that? I never seen him follow anybody's orders 'cept Ma's. Who are you, anyway?"

"His partner," she said nonchalantly.

"A little young for you, isn't she, Jayne."

"It ain't like that, Thomas. It's strictly business. You should see her fight, though," he said excitedly. "We all know women could kill you with their pinky, right? Well, River can kill you with her brain."

Thomas and River shared a look, and River sighed. "Men," she said. "They always take everything so literally." She paused. "It's math that I can kill you with."

"Well, now that we've got that over with," Mal tried again. This time, they actually noticed him speaking. "Mrs. Benson, I'll show you to your quarters. River, go fly the ship. Jayne..."

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be in my bunk."

As River and Jayne headed off together Mal overheard them start a conversation that made him groan internally when he realized the implications.

"Jayne, would you be comfortable with letting Thomas know exactly which pair of mercenaries we are? Because I think she has a job..."

Gorrammit, and since Thomas Benson was family, they might not even get paid!