Mal sneezed.

That was the first indication there was a problem. Next was the lengthy bout of cursing from the normally composed captain of Serenity. It brought several looks from the crew, most notably from Inara, who glanced at her erstwhile beau and shook her head.

“Who’s got an animal on my boat?” Mal asked the crew one night after supper.

He looked at everyone carefully, waiting for any signs of recognition in their faces, or more correctly, to see who looked guilty. He cleared his throat, then: “I’m asking again, is there a gorram animal on my boat without my Captain-y permission?”

He glanced at the crew again, Zoe, Wash, Kaylee, Jayne, even Simon and River looked all manner of innocence. Sheppard Book just stared back at Mal with an fixed expression. Inara, answered. “The only pet I have is three planets away, Captain. And he doesn’t have an appointment.” She muttered a curse about some people being tight asses and walked away.

“I don’t have one, Cap’n.” Kaylee ventured, with a bit of a sulk. “Not that you’d ever let me have one, horrible old tyrant-“

“Good reason,” Mal replied, nonplussed, “I’m allergic.”

“To everything?” Wash asked with amusement. “Cause I’ve still got that idea for the Beagles…”

“Never mind.” Mal replied, shooting Wash a warning look. Zoe just smirked.

“It’s cats, to be on the point.” Mal stated. “Conjure there better not be a cat on this boat, or there’s gonna be a drop in percentages, mark me.”

Jayne remained silent, and again the crew said nothing. Mal stared at the doctor and his sister. River, for some reason, looked like there was something on her lips she was dying to say, but would not get out.

“River?” Mal was on her like a principal in a lower ranked high school, waiting for the one student who liked to be in trouble. “You got somethin’ to say on this?”

“Could, but won’t.” The younger Tam replied. She just sat there, making cat’s cradles with her fingers, a bit of blue string leftover from dinner packaging intertwined on her thumbs. “Only cats are here, no dogs.” She held up her fingers at Mal, smiled. “See?”

Mal shook his head at another one of what were frequently becoming a myriad of riddles from the girl. He’d given up trying to figure her out ever since Simon had told him about her ability to breakdown the medications he was giving her. “Right. And thanks for the instruction into why the Alliance should not keep young girls.”

He looked around with exasperation. “Again, and for the last time, who’s got the gorram cat?”

Jayne looked blankly at Mal, shrugged. “Maybe something got into the filters again, like on Santo.” He offered. “We were all coughin’ damn near a day ‘cause of that.” Kaylee looked up, offended. “Weren’t the filter’s fault, Serenity just doesn’t like their atmo, too heavy on the oxygen-“

“No one else is sneezing, and this has nothing to do with filters.” Mal countered. “I don’t know who’s tryin’ to con me, but I’m not havin’ it, dong ma?” Jayne shrugged again, “Don’t know what’cha mean, Mal. I ain’t got no cat.”

“Best not, Jayne,” Mal warned. “You’re already on your way to my bad side, might not want to visit there again..”

“Now just a gorram minute-“ The mercenary rose from his seat-

“Boys,” Kaylee tried to placate the quickly angering men. “Let’s not start that again.”

Jayne sat down, picked up his coffee mug, took a swallow. “Tired a’ bein’ lashed over stuff not my fault.”

Mal said nothing, just tried to blow his nose into a worn handkerchief. “Whoever has the cat, they got til next docking to get rid of it, or I will. That’s tomorrow, people. Or it’s seven percent, not ten.” With that, Mal turned and walked away, heading for his bunk.

Kaylee looked at Jayne. “What he’d mean about being to his bad side before?”

Jayne fixed her with a ‘don’t go there’ look. “Ain’t interested in talkin’ about that. Not here, and not never. Got me?”

Kaylee’s face fixed with a cross look. “Don’t be snippy with me, Jayne Cobb. I’m just askin’.”

“Well don’t.” Jayne looked over at Book, “Fancy some weights, Preacher?”

Book smiled. “Matter of fact, yes. Spot you then you spot me.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Later Mal began scouring the ship, poking through every hidey-hole, going through all the nooks and crannies. He was determined to find the source of his allergic reaction, and save for the crew bunks, which he would not violate unless it was an emergency, he was nowhere near close to finding the four legged offender.

He’d been up and down the ship three times, often doubling back, thinking the cat had stowed away and was simply avoiding him by sheer luck. It wasn’t that Mal hated cats; his Mom had owned two on the ranch, one a champion mouser, but when the allergy developed after Mal hit puberty the cats were off limits. Ever since then, he stayed clear of them, or his face would puff up like a plague victim after three hours.

It was only the antihistamine that Simon had given him that was allowing him to look for the cat in the first place. Now he was beholden to the Doc for something else. This cat was bothering him more and more by the minute.

Jayne completed his reps, and stood and spotted Book while he completed his own.

“Not saying that I got a cat,” Jayne began idly, hefting the barbell out of Book’s hands after wards, settling it back into the rack. “But what would you do if you had one?”

Book smiled. Of all the people on the ship, the Sheppard had surmised Jayne would be the least likely to ever even admit to sentimentality, let alone owning a pet. He wasn’t even sure if the mercenary was trying to confess to him, but it was as least an entertaining thought. “Well, I don’t think the Captain’ll be too happy with whoever brought it on board. Are you ah, overburdened with something on your conscience, Jayne?”

The mercenary harrumphed. “That’ll be the day. But ya didn’t answer the question, Sheppard.”

“I suspect I’d hide the little feline as long as possible, until I could get it off ship.” Book said, looking at Jayne matter-of-factly. “Else wise, the owner of the hypothetical kitty-cat would be in a ‘Verse of trouble. But that’s just me.” Book got up off the bench, wiping his face with a towel. “And again, this is all a ‘what if’ scenario, right, Jayne?” Book winked at the gun hand. Taking a swing of water from his bottle, Book walked away, humming.

Jayne sat there a moment, and sighed. He didn’t want to get rid of the cat; he liked the little ball of fur far too much. Most people would say they loved their pets, but Jayne would never allow himself such emotion over a human being, let alone an animal. He liked the cat, but love? Never in all the suns of the ‘verse would he admit it. Then he remembered; the treats! It was almost treat time!

Wrapping the towel around his neck and grabbing his water bottle, he hurried back to his bunk.

“So, Kaylee, who do you think has the kitten?” Inara asked the mechanic wistfully, brushing the younger girls’ hair. It had become almost a ritual with them, a little ‘girl time’ in the space of both their jobs, and both came to enjoy the ability to disappear, if only for a few moments.

Kaylee, for her part, knew for sure; “It’s got to be River.” she said with certainty. “Those cat’s cradles she was doing at the dinner table?...she’s been doing ‘em ever since we left Boros.”

“That was only two days ago.” Inara remarked. “Is Mal that sensitive?”

“Oh, yeah,” Kaylee answered. “He gets powerful sick ‘round cats. Why one time we had to transport a whole load of ‘em, he looked like a puffer fish by end of the job.”

Inara laughed, the thought of Mal with poisonous spines sticking out of his face momentarily filling her vision. “He must have looked terrible. How long did it last?”

Kaylee’s laughter joined her friends. “’Bout a week.”

The gales of laughter were interrupted by Simon entering the shuttle. “What’s so funny, what did I miss?”

Kaylee recounted the moment, and though Simon was not one to scoff at a persons’ illness, his laughter soon joined theirs.

Mal rounded the corner at that exact moment, looking for all like a Federal marshal. “It’s in here, isn’t it?” he asked suspiciously, looking around the room at the dark corners. “Renting a shuttle does not allow for cats, Inara. That’s extra.”

Inara wasn’t even put upon. “There’s no cat in here, Mal. Go skulk somewhere else, please. This is girl time.”

Mal raised an eyebrow. “Why’s he here then?” pointing at Simon. “Something I don’t know about?” he sneezed again. “Bless you.” Three crew members said at once.

Mal sniffled. “Xie-xie.” He glanced at Inara suspiciously. “Cat better not be in here, ‘Nara. I’m warning ya.”

“Go on, it’s not in here.” Inara dismissed him. Mal rounded the shuttle’s entryway and left. He was bound and determined to find the cause of his nasal misery. It was no longer a matter of just his allergies, now it was a matter of pride. He re-checked the cargo bay, then the upper areas where the mule was stored. He even checked River’s old box, just in case the mentally challenged teenager was hiding it in there. But still, no such luck.

Heading up to the main deck, Mal checked the galley again and still came up empty. He was beginning to think the cat was some kind of ghost, sent by a vengeful spirit to haunt him, some punishment for a past misdeed. Wasn’t there some Buddhist scribbling about vengeful spirits and ghosts?...

It hit him. Jayne. It had to be Jayne.

He was always trying to break rules. Always trying to get things to go his way. It had to be Jayne. He would smuggle something on the boat, though Mal had to confess he’d never in a million years conjure it would be a cat…whores…Yes, a lovebot definitely…but a cat?

Scowling, he headed for the crews bunks.

Jayne sat in his bunk,smiling like a kid at the adorable orange-striped tabby that was busily gobbling up the treats the gun hand was doling out. “That’s right, we likes our treats, don’t we? Jayne’s little baby likes those treats-“

Jayne, you down there?” Mal’s voice rang an echo in the cramped bunk, startling Jayne into action. In the blink of an eye, he scooped up the kitten, her special mousie, and opened the hidden compartment where he kept his cigars and chocolate, deposited the cat in there, and sat back down on his bunk. “Right-right here Mal.” He answered, trying to appears as calm as possible. “What’s up?”

“You got that cat down there, Jayne?” The former Browncoat turned Sherlock Holmes demanded. “I told you about breakin’ the rules on ship.”

“You said don’t fool around with Kaylee, and leave Inara alone.” Jayne growled, he hated being reminded about the rules. “Didn’t say nothin’ ‘bout pets.”

“All the same, I’m comin’ down to check.” And with that, he descended the ladder.

Suddenly Jayne spotted the brightly colored pack of kitty treats he’d bought last stop with the kitten. Scooping them up in his hand, he leaned back down, and not being able to think of anything else, began to pop a couple into his mouth, chewing nonchalantly.

Mal peered first at Jayne, then began scoping the room out, searching everywhere he could think of. Finally, unable to find anything suspicious, he glared at the mercenary. “I know you got that cat, Jayne.” He said, there was no other one on the ship who would be bold enough to break his rules. “I’m gonna find it, sometime soon. But if you don’t get rid of it and I do find it, poor little kitty’s gonna to have some company in the airlock, dong ma?”

Jayne scoffed. “Ya ain’t gonna find anything, ‘cause I don’t got a cat, Mal, must be your ‘magination.” He chewed the treats, swallowed them. ~Not bad, really~ he thought absently. “Go on and out.”

Mal stared at his public relations specialist. But, finding nothing, grabbed the rungs and climbed the ladder, staring at Jayne all the while.

An hour later, when the crew was all asleep, Jayne opened the compartment, and pulled the quiet little kitten out of her hiding place. Cradling it in his arms, he stroked the kitten's back while it yawned and stretched.

“Lil’ girl was so good, I’m gonna buy you another toy, soon as we land.” He cooed at the marmalade cat, who responded by licking his finger. “You were so good, bein’ all quiet and such, while that mean ol' Captain was lookin’ all over for ya. Huh, Lil Kaylee?” He held up the special mousie.."You wanna play with Simon?..I got your Simon right here..yes I do.."

The kitten meowed in response, her green eyes closing in contentment as Jayne scratched her under the chin.

End.