Jayne Cobb, the Rolling ’Verse Interview…. By Jacob Austin Sheng, field reporter, sector 57-D ********************

We’re sitting here in this quaint little tavern on the resort world of Pelorum. It’ s a typically beautiful day, the sun shines, people mill about dressed in the height of Alliance couture, richer than two-thirds of the populace.

I’m here with one Jayne Cobb, a tall swarthy bear of a man, casually dressed for this kind of society, as he drinks from a beer bowl and has graciously offered to answer my few questions.

Firstly, a bit of history:

Cobb is part of the crew of Serenity, the now-universally infamous ship Captained by the known renegade and pirate Malcolm Reynolds.

Though there are some who would claim he’s done the Alliance the greatest service a man could perform in the showing to all the spinning worlds the very dark heart of the Reavers’ origins, and the exposure of the Cabal that sought to rule the Alliance through fear and intimidation.

Though he will not confirm or deny the events that led up to that famous broadcast of the doomed Search and Rescue mission to Miranda, Cobb himself has said he feels a “certain ruttin’ satisfaction” with the way events have turned out, and the upheaval it has caused.

This author asked these questions on the grounds that we get a first hand view into the minds of one of Serenity’s crewmembers. As you are about to see, it did not go as planned.

I decided to start, innocently enough, with Jayne’s viewpoints on the rest of the crew.

Since this interview took place, two of the crewmembers have since died, and this author apologizes in advance to their families for both their loss and Mr. Cobb’s viewpoints. They are solely his own, and included here extant for the sake of honesty and accuracy. It should be noted that Mr. Cobb threatened this author with “Bloody and gorram painful” murder if I did not print his words exactly as he said them.

With that in mind to the readers of this article, here are his own words: Jayne Cobb:… Hey, this here one o’ them psyanotic things Doc was talkin’ bout, or what? Huh?...you wanna ask me what I think ‘bout the crew.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Sheng: Mr. Cobb, please I’m just trying to get to the bottom of the story.

Cobb: Oh, you’re serious, huh?....gorram kinda back-birth load a gose is this, anyway? Stop lookin’ at me like that, I’ll ruttin’ play along…. *grumbles unintelligibly*

Shepherd Book: Now, there’s a preacher I can deal with. Knows a thing er two ’bout gunplay and trackin’, but don’t like to play it up too much. Keeps to himself, ‘less we’re out liftin’. Don’t get on ya ’bout what yer doin’ too much, lessen he can make ya see the error o’ yer ways. Which he seems ta get on Mal about, lots a times. But then, my ’pinions on that are fer later, when Cap’n’s asleep. Good man in a fight, but won’t kill no one. So that’s a loss. Had some mighty int’restin’ conversatin’ with him, but how he don’t even masturbate is something that troubles me some. Way I see it, man’s got needs, wearin’ a collar or not.

River Tam: Girl’s plain crazy, an’ that’s all I gotta say on it. Don’t like ‘er, not one bit. Kinda cute but when you add crazy to it, ferget it. Wouldn’t touch that if I was jus’ outta a ten-year stretch in Hwang-Yi prison an’ she’s the only trim around. Wash: Good Pilot an’ all, but got a mouth on him bigger than a Trans-U cruiser, an’ don’t know when to shut it. One o’ these days, killer wife or no, I’m gonna pop ‘im one for smartin’ off too much. An’ what’s up with them dinosaurs he keeps playin’ with? What kinda grown man plays with kiddie toys? Must be why Zoe and he fight all the time. Mebbe she thinks he’s a big kid, an’ she’s tired of playin’ at Mommy. He’s brave, must be to fly the way he does, but he ain’t that smart when it comes to knowin’ when to shut it. Inara: I don’t wanna talk about it, dong ma? Mal gets all manner a ornery if I talk ‘bout Inara. But I’d jump it if’n I got half a chance. Ain’t a fool. Then again, if I did jump it I’d get spaced or shot, or both. So best let that be. Ain’t a fool that way, either.

But gorram, she sure smells all kinds a’ pretty. Pretty expensive, that is. Simon Tam: Now here’s a conundrum if I ever saw one. Core-boy’s got more schoolin’ than anyone I ever even heard of, and can’t talk to a girl ta save his soul. Been tryin’ for years now ta talk Kaylee inta the sack, and screws it every single time. An’ she’s been practic’ly laying it out on a silver platter for the Doc, but he just keeps screwin’ it up, sure as the suns turnin’. Man’s an idjit, pure and simple.

Now, I’ll tell ya, if it weren’t for the feds, them two Tams wouldn’t even be a problem right now, and I’d be a whole lot richer, sure as shit stinks. But that went down wrong and now they know ‘bout it. Mal knows, too. So I gotta play it right by them or else everyone’s gonna know, and then it’s bye-bye, Jayne, right out the gorram airlock. Another reason I don’t like him is about Kaylee, too. Makes her cry so damn much it tears out my heart. Can’t stand Core-boy treatin’ her like that, actin’ all high an’ mighty when he oughta just bend down an’ kiss her pigu just for smilin’ at him. Boils my blood sometimes, it really does, an’ I ain’t afraid ta say it. She ever got tired o’ him, I’d show her how a fella should treat a girl he cares about…

Sheng: You mean you have feelings for her of your own?

Cobb: Not that I’m goin’ moon-eyed over the issue or nothin’, ’cause I got whorin’ to get to, mind ya. Hey, can we finish up these ruttin’ questions or what? Shore times on my dime, dammit. What?..Oh yeah, ya wanna know my feelin’s…….Yesu, this is a boatload a crap…….

Sheng: Mr. Cobb, please… people are interested in what you’re thinking…

Cobb: All right, Core-boy, why you people always so damn int’rested in what common folk think?... like ya got the rights to their minds or somethin’…

Sheng: Mr. Cobb, please go on… about the First Mate?

Cobb: Zoe? Guess you could say I got two minds on Zoe. One, she’s plum crazy to a married Wash, but that’s just me. Two, she’s worth some respect. Good shot, hard hitter. Just once we had a li’l shootin’ contest on the outskirts o’ this town on Santo, just for fun an’ all, and damn me if she didn’t hit every target damn near as good as I did. I ain’t sayin’ she’s perfect, got a bad temper an’ likes ta threaten me a might too much, but good solid woman there. Not too hard on the eyes either, ya get what I’m meanin’.

Only thing that gets me is she backs Mal up no matter if he’s wrong or not. He could be sayin’ the sun’s made a cheese, and she’d just back him up an’ say yessir quick as a wink. Like she ain’t got a mind o’ her own. But then there’s time when ya can tell what she’s thinkin’..If’n ya look hard enough.

Sheng: Anyone else come to mind immediately?

Cobb: Well, lessee… Kaylee. Well, I tell ya, -an’ ya better not say nothin’- but that there girl’s best damn thing on this boat. Keeps it runnin’ when it shoulda had its last leg three years ’fore the war started. An’ cheerful about it, too. Though, that can get on a fellas nerves summat. But she can’t help it, jus’ the way she is. I trust her, an’ that’s about the best thing I can say ’bout it.

Why the hell you lookin’ at me like that now? What’re you gettin’ on ’bout?

Sheng: Nothing, Mr. Cobb, honestly, but you look… well, distracted frankly, when you talk about her.

Cobb: Fine. Ya want the whole damn thing….here ya go. Don’t like the way that Prissy, know-it-all Doc makes her all gooey in the ruttin’ middle an’ I been on this boat damn near five years now an’ outside a one time we was getting warmed up, an’ Zoe interrupted us, she ain’t said gose. But every time that huandan gets to sayin’ more n’ three words at her he’s makin’ her cry. And then she goes runnin’ to ’Nara or Wash, or anyone else but where she oughta be runnin an’ that’s right ta me.

Stop smilin’ like that, gorramit, you asked. Sheng: I wasn’t smiling in judgment, Mr. Cobb, it just seems that you wouldn’t wait for someone- Cobb: I ain’t waitin’ on it cause I ain’t stupid. Girls’ done lost her mind on that fella, but he don’t deserve to smell her shoes. Not that I get hot an’ bothered ’bout shoes, mind ya, I ain’t a pervert or nothin’.

But she don’t see that he’s either retarded or sly. Me, I’m optin’ on sly, cause he likes ta argue with Mal a bit too much for my likin’…like they were married-up or somethin’. An’ ya ask me, Simon, ain’t the kinda sly hundan who’s a “giver”, know what I mean?

Sheng: You seem to have a bit of a dichotomy about your Captain, care to comment?

Cobb: What the ruttin’ hell’s that mean…Dicottame? That some kinda dirty joke or somethin’?....

Sheng: No, sir, not at all. I’m suggesting you have mixed feelings about him…

Cobb: (reaching forward, grabbing my shirt) You sayin’ I’m sly, boy?...

Sheng: No sir! Not at all, I mean you might respect him but hate him at the same time…. Please let me go, Mr. Cobb, people are staring… Cobb: Oh, okay, that’s dif’rent. (Lets go)… what I think ’bout Mal… Shit. I gotta talk about that, too?... *sighs* Fine. Parts o’ me just don’t get that man. He don’t work right. He don’t try to get jobs that pay well all the time. He don’t do the job and that’s it, like he’s on some gorram crusade or somethin’.

Boggles me somethin’ fierce. Me, I was runnin’ that boat we’d definitely be makin’ some coin. But others’ won’t lissen to me and let me run the damn boat. Just Mal. Why? Because he’s a gorram Browncoat. Like that means somethin’ any more except to Mr. Hero a’ Serenity Valley Malcolm Reynolds.

Gorramit, if he’s so ruttin’ smart, why’d he lose that ruttin’ war? Why’s he go on ’bout being so damn moral when he’s just a criminal, like me? And ’Nara?... man ain’t normal, lookin’ on a woman like that an’ not doin’ nothin’? Ain’t right. But I do respect him. He’s got some good sense, an’ instincts. Wants to do right, but when he tries too hard his jobs all go south.

Been plenty o’ times I ain’t got paid ’cause o’ the way he runs his jobs. Sometimes I get ruttin’ mad. But I gotta lissen to ‘im ’cause he does pay me…

When the damn jobs go right, that is.

We done here?... I got other things ta do ‘sides get questioned like I’m back at school and the principal thinks’ I’m sellin’ ammo behind the bathrooms… Sheng: I have some more questions, and I’d be honored to buy you another round, if you don’t mind… Cobb: You got more?..You ruttin’ jokin’ me?.. Gimme that-

Author’s note: Mr. Cobb got up and left after that, taking my notebook with him. Fortunately I had secreted a recorder in my breast pocket that he failed to notice. As he made his way through the crowd, a Federal Marshall approached him and attempted an arrest. Then there was a crash, some shots were exchanged, and some fairly loud but unprintable language.

It is my sincere hope the man does not come looking for me. I have children to support.