Mal could not believe he’d let Jayne talk him into this. OK, well, not like he’d never been in a burlesque joint. But that had been back in his greenhorn recruit days. Somehow it just seemed wrong now, what with him gettin’ hitched to Inara and all.

Still, Jayne had insisted that there had to be something special for the bachelor party.

“Aww, c’mon Mal, it’ll be a hoot! One last big blowout before you get shackled. There’ll be purty dancin’ girls shakin’ their…”

“I get the idea, Jayne. And…uhhmm…no.”

And that would’ve settled the matter, save for his lovely intended bride, Kaylee and River delivering a full-court press to get him to go. They insisted that it would be fun and harmless. Couldn’t possibly be any worse than that unfortunate tattoo incident with the doc at his bachelor party.

Thus Mal found himself with front-row seats to a bevy of beauties in beads, bangles and not much else. Turned out Jayne had slipped the doorman some extra to get them the VIP seats. Mal began to suspect it was just a ruse for Jayne to be able to stuff bills into the dancers’ g-strings. With his teeth.

He also suspected that Jayne wouldn’t be sleeping alone tonight. Which was fine by him, so long as it didn’t happen on Serenity. Mal still had nightmares about that whole business with the twins.

Mal looked over at Simon, who was scrunched down into his chair, trying desperately to shrink into the red leatherette. Apparently Kaylee had lassoed him into playing chaperone. The doc looked about as happy to be there as he did.

A leggy redhead slithered up to Mal and leaned forward, giving him a more than abundant view of her charms. The feather boa artfully draped around her neck tickled Mal’s nose, and he was afraid he might let loose with a sneeze.

“So the big fellah tells me yer the groom. That so, Blue Eyes?”

Green. Remember that, Reynolds. Her eyes are green.

“So it would appear. But no need to make a fuss on my account.”

At that, she smiled, stood up, shimmied her satin-covered bottom in Mal’s face and went to try her luck with the doc. Mal exhaled a breath he had not realized he was holding and slammed back a sizeable amount of the third?...fourth?...sake bomb in a row. He’d quit counting once the manager said the drinks were on the house.

He glanced over at Simon who was practically climbing like a crab over the back of the chair to get away from Miss Feather Boa.

“Oh settle down, doc and let the gal have her way. Ya might learn a few things.”

Simon threw him a “Please stop helping” look before stuttering some excuse about needing to see a man about a horse and making a beeline for the little boys’ room. Miss Feather Boa just shrugged and gracefully swayed away, over to her next intended victim.

Mal grinned to himself. Had he not actually walked in on Kaylee and the doc in the middle of the act on the floor of the engine room, he’d have put money down that the doc was still cherry. Mal wondered just how many sake bombs Kaylee would’ve had to pour down the doc to get him to loosen up enough before their first time out the gate.

At that moment, the current gaggle of female flesh finished its number and blew kisses to the crowd before exiting in a flash of sequins as the emcee stepped up to the mike.

“Were’t they a treat, gents? Now, I’ve been told we have a special guest here tonight. Somebody who won’t be able to enjoy such treats in the not too distant future.”

As the spotlight blinded Mal, he wondered how badly Miss Feather Boa would be put out if he strangled Jayne with that particular bit of feathery fluff.

The emcee continued:

“We’ve got something special for you tonight, my friend. Something to remind you of what you’re leaving behind.”

As the entire stage went dark, Mal shotgunned the remainder of his sake bomb in order to give him courage. As the spotlight on stage came on, he almost wished for another.

She was gorgeous. High heels, stockings, garter, corset and opera gloves. Wearing a top hat and a mask. Mystery Girl started in singing an old Earth-That-Was song about diamonds being a girl’s best friend as she carefully peeled off each glove and threw one in each direction off the stage. Jayne had caught one and twirled it around over his head while war-whooping.

When she got to the front of the stage where Mal was seated, she removed her hat and playfully stuck it on Mal’s head. To Mal’s abject horror, he could feel his body starting to respond to her as she planted one long curvy leg on either side of his and swayed her backside in time to the music as she sang.

Dear Buddha, please please please let Inara not be mad. Inara had herself unerring accuracy with teacups when she had a mood on.

At that instant, Mystery Girl reached up behind her and untied the ribbons on the mask.

It was Inara. His intended. His wife-to-be. She who had forsaken all others for him. Standing there looking like every fantasy female he’d had an erotic dream about since the age of 14. And despite his best efforts, he could tell he was getting one hell of a hard-on. She must have set this up with the rest of the crew.

As he sat there gaping like a fish and dimly hearing Jayne wolf-whistle in the background (Don’t think about what he’s gonna do with that glove. Just don’t go there.), Inara settled in to hover about an inch off his lap. She knew all too well he was not a man given to overly public displays of affection.

Giving him that grin that could only mean she was about to do something to him that was likely highly immoral, not to mention make his eyes roll all the way back in his head, she leaned in to whisper in his ear, “Private show’s later tonight.”

Then she was off him and slinking back up on stage to finish her song, to thunderous applause and yelling. At that instant, Jayne leaned over and socked him hard in the arm.

“See! What’d I tell ya? Purty dancin’ girls!”