Shepherd Book: The Rolling Verse Interview By Jacob Austin Sheng; Roving (and continuing to roam) Reporter

I’m not going to bother telling you just how wonderful Pelorum is, or that the weather is wonderful, or how much business the happy little café we’re in is doing.

Forget it. So unimportant. I’m in fear of my life, people of the ’Verse, pure and simple. The minute I finish this interview I’m leaving Pelorum for good.

That maniac named Jayne Cobb shoved me into a dumpster, and then pushed the Alliance-be-damned thing towards a trash shredder in an alleyway, just because he thought I had applied all that alcohol into my last interviewee.

It was only through the intervention of a fry cook that I was rescued. {Note to Editor: A Mr. Art Tamerlane of the Stars Out Café and Eatery, Heavenly Hallows, Pelorum, is to get a lifetime subscription} I want it stated on the record that I was completely innocent of trying to get that poor girl inebriated and that psychotic hulk is a menace to decent people everywhere, even Ezra….

But enough about that last unpleasant business.

I’m sitting here with Shepherd Derrial Book, a quiet man of impressive stature and a calm demeanor. But of course, he’s a holy man. He should have a calm demeanor. He wears the grey and black of his order, the Southdown Abbey, and his hair is pulled back tightly against his head. His smile is reassuring and wide, the faint hit of bemused humor in his eyes tells of other possibilities in his life. His hands speak of more than just clerical duties. They are a working man’s hands. A cup of Oolong tea sits in his working hands, as he stirs some sweetener into it. He takes a sip and gives a moment to appreciate it. He has a way of looking at you that disarms and yet it’s that faint humor in his eyes that always shines through. I imagine one of his sermons is anything but pedantic or boring. Sheng: Since your signing on with Serenity-

Book: I’m not crew, exactly.

Sheng: What?

Book: I’m not crew, Mr. Sheng. Technically, I’m just a passenger. Sheng: Fine then. We’ll skip that. Since your joining the ship, what are your reflections on the crew?

Book: They’re essentially a fine group of people, Mr. Sheng. A bit misguided perhaps, but that’s why I stayed. To help those that needed it.

Sheng: Okay, Shepherd. Which ones need the help the most?

Book: Why are you looking around like that, Mr. Sheng? Sheng: What? I’m not looking around…

Book: I’m sorry, but you’ve done it three times so far since we’ve sat down. (He looks at me and pats my hand.) Jayne’s not here, Mr. Sheng. You’ll be fine.

Sheng: Well you have to admit-

Book: No I don’t. (Smiles) But you need to understand men like him aren’t capable of expressing themselves the way you and I are. And he takes threats to the safety of the crew very seriously. Especially the female ones.

Sheng: Yes…ah, I became aware of that last time. Now, what are your feelings about the crew and other passengers?

Book: Are you aware that you sound more like a psychologist than a journalist, Mr. Sheng?

Sheng: Pardon?

Book: Your demeanor. It suggests you’re not quite comfortable asking questions. That you’d actually prefer studying us, as opposed to collecting our recollections.

Sheng: But, but I-

Book: Truly, are you always this tongue-tied when speaking with people? What gave you the inclination to be a journalist?

Sheng: I… well, I remember my Uncle Hammond-

Book: So it runs in your family?

Sheng: Well, yes, in a way-

Book: What way? Is it a yearning desire to make yourself famous?

Sheng: Now, wait just a moment… I’m trying to collect-

Book: You see? That’s what I’m trying to say. You’re collecting us like a clinician. I wonder what Simon would say about this? Sheng: Who?

Book: Never mind. So when did you decide to be a journalist?

Sheng: I? Uh…eighth grade…after a trip to-

Book: Oh, that young? Travel a lot as a family?

Sheng: Well, yes, same as anyone. Why are-

Book: So your main drive was always to collect people?

Sheng: Why are you asking…? How did…What-

Book: I think, young man that you should take a sabbatical and rethink things, your motivations… this sounds unhealthy.

Sheng: But I’m doing what I want. Isn’t that the point in life… to do…

Book: What would your parents think? Nice young man like yourself, traipsing around the ‘Verse, out late all night-

Sheng: Parents? They’re fine…

Books: Of course you think that, to say nothing of your minister.

Sheng: But we’re Buddhist-

Book: Monk, then. I’m certain he wouldn’t approve, not following the eight-fold path with nightlife like this one…

Sheng: I only go out three times a week…that, that’s not so bad….

Book: Getting into trouble with ruffians, Inebriating young girls,

Sheng: (Thumps table with a fist) I did not get her drunk, gorramit -

Book: My apologies. Of course you didn’t. She has plenty of coin to afford five Fresh Strawberry Margaritas on a planet such as this. Perhaps I spoke out of turn?

Sheng: Can’t believe this is happening-

Book: Perhaps your inner soul is trying to tell you how wrong it is to take advantage of young women, especially young unsophisticated ones-

Sheng: Now, now you wait just a minute. I was only-

Book: Have you ever heard of the Special Hell?

Sheng: That’s it! I’ve had it with you, old man! (Slams notepad and recorder on table) Anyone in the Verse would be insane trying to interview you people! Editor’s Note: Shepherd Book had left the table by then, though Alliance security camera recorders noted a slight smile on his face, as he shook his head inscrutably. The rest of this entry was apparently a rant to no one in particular, as Jacob Sheng sat there and vented himself to the local populace: Sheng: I’m quitting, do you hear me readers? Jacob Sheng has given his last interview! I’m gonna go do what my Mom wanted me to do, become a Chartered Alliance Accountant! At least that will get me some respect and a decent salary!

In all my days, I’ve never met a more disreputable bunch of people in my life! Even the ones who were polite about refusing an Interview.

I can’t take this anymore! They’re all crazy, going from rim dump to garbage scow, stealing, shooting and whoring like there’s not tomorrow! It’s insane, people; you have to listen to me! They have to be stopped!…

That’s it, a crusade! I… I’ll make it my life’s work, to get rid of all these Independents. I don’t care how liberal my readers are, or how ruggedly good looking the men are, or how beautiful that Companion was. Even if she wouldn’t talk I just had to stare…who wouldn’t?

But no more, I’m not gonna be a patsy any more, you hear me, Gibson? (Editor’s note: My last name is Gibson) This roving reporter has had his last day being a shill for you!

(Editor’s Note: At this point in time two Alliance Mental Health Observers arrived on the scene, presumably called by the tavern’s owner, who feared for the safety of his customers…)

Sheng: What? Who are you two? What do you want with me? Hey, get your hands off, let go of me! Help! It’s a conspiracy! They’re trying to take over our minds!!!! you’re all sheep!!!!! Noooooooooooo!

(Editor's Final Note: I’d like to apologize to our reader base out there, in the known Verse, for Mr. Sheng’s inappropriate and inflammatory comments. We here at the Rolling Verse Magazine wholeheartedly support and stand by our Parliament, and the Glorious Alliance that they strive so hard to keep going for the benefit of us all. Please don’t shut us down, not like during the War? How about Free Subscriptions for all of Parliament? We didn’t even like Sheng anyway; he was nosy and not a very good writer. Temperamental too and obviously unbalanced. Please, fellas?)

This Editor would also like to announce an opening in the Journalism Department. Free travel vouchers, salary negotiable depending on experience. There will be a full background, drug, and mental history check for all applicants.

******

Later that evening, Book walked back to the docking bay, and up the ramp to this shipboard home, the smile on his face from the cafe never leaving him. Mal stood there, waiting for everyone to get back to leave Pelorum for good, their job accomplished.

“Shepherd, get the job done?” Mal asked, with evident relish. The mole exposed, Mal knew that Sheng would no longer be a problem for them. He had felt it the moment Sheng had tried to interview him, at first declining politely, then when Sheng persisted, the gun came out, and the plan was formed.

A plan that had now become perfection thanks to Shepherd Book.

Book looked back at the Captain, and the smile broke wider into an ear-stretching grin. “Oh, that’s one job well done, believe me. He won’t be bothering us again I gather.”

Jayne walked up to the two men, slapping his palms together. “He does, I’ll just stuff in him another dumpster. Ruttin little bastard-“

“Jayne, language now,” Mal chided, “Not in front of a holy man.”

Book chuckled, shaking his head. “As it stands, I don’t think Jayne will need to, seems the man became a bit unbalanced, was helped away by some local health technicians.”

All three of them broke into uproarious laughter. Jayne slapped Book on the shoulder, though a bit gently. “Shepherd, you really are somethin' else, ya do know that?”

“Oh, it’s been said to me more than once.” Book agreed good-naturedly. The two men walked deeper into the ship, leaving Mal to survey the expensive tourist world one final time before taking off. “Yepper,” he said to no one in particular, “Job well done.”

End.