Plenty of times in his life he’d wanted something, someone, but it wasn’t never like this. No – most times, wanting a person is a thing physical, a heat and a hardness in the loins. This wanting, it was somewhere else entirely. It fixed him in the chest, in the gut, a churning heaviness that didn’t show no signs of lifting.

And it wasn’t just wanting for her body, neither. He reckoned he probably did want that, but not in any desperate way. If that’d been it, it’d’ve been easy enough to tame. He wasn’t sly (contrary to Nandi’s asking, her last night in this world), but he conjured, if he was, desire still wouldn’t have been a thing that plagued him as it did some men – like Jayne, the way his eyes raked over Zoe, Kaylee, even River when they were turned away. No, he’d built up a fine ability over the years to file away those thoughts (though sometimes they came to him in dreams).

This wanting was for something else. She gave up her body to men for coin, but she was mighty restrained with her soul. He didn’t even know her – not in any proper and true sense, anyhow – but it was that he wanted.

It was a wanting hot and cold, fire and ice, but both ways it threatened to finish him, to eat him up till there was nothing left. He wanted to save her same time he wanted to ruin her, not far off the way he felt right now, in her empty shuttle, about all those gorram trinkets. Count up every single last one of them, put down in some permanent record; set fire to them all, forget they ever once crossed his vision. Never to’ve met her; alway to’ve known her. He wanted both, together, at once.

And he couldn’t even explain it proper. It didn’t make no sense. She was plenty comely, course – pretty’d been Kaylee’s choice term – but it wasn’t that. It was the mystery of her, he figured. The things underneath the Companion outside. The things about her didn’t quite add up. The sad look she had in her eyes sometimes when she thought nobody’d notice. And, other times, them little smiles she tried her damnedest to hide.

He conjured that the thing he was liable to regret the most when it was all said and done (if any man in this world could determine such a thing as that) was that he didn’t see more of those smiles. He should’ve pocketed them, every last one. Not the Companion smile, that serene lift to her lips meant to pacify. And not the wily smile she laid on him when there was something she wanted. No, smile he meant was that one of the accidental variety, one she put on when, by some miracle, he’d gone and said something she took to be funny. Always seemed to surprise her: her eyes would go wide, and the littlest laugh would burst out against her will, and there’d be that smile (she’d lower her head, trying to hide it, maybe draw a hand up to her mouth). Fine line, he found, between funny and bothersome, but sometimes he hit the right side of it.

One such time, he sat on the sofa in the galley, looking over his weapon night before a run. (Piles of string strewn all around, left from Kaylee’s starts at the finger-arts she’d learned so recent.)

“That’s an awfully big gun you have there, Captain.”

He swung his head to the side and fixed her with a sly grin. She was dressed casual – nice skirt, nice top, but nothing too ornate – and her hair was down around her face. It fit her mood. “Why, Miss Inara, you aren’t trying to seduce me, are you? ‘Cause I gotta warn you, I got my morals.”

And there was that grin, and the little laugh that bubbled up behind it, like try as she might she just couldn’t quite hold it in. She covered the edges of it behind dainty fingertips, but it was still there. She took a seat beside him on the couch (plenty distance between, of course). “Trust me, Mal, if I were trying to seduce you, you wouldn’t ask if I were trying to seduce you.”

He just barely held back a smile of his own, but he reckoned it showed in his eyes. Moments like this, when they both happened to be feeling free and easy at the same time, were precious rare. Most times, seemed like, one or the other was brooding. “Oh, really, now. And just how might somethin’ like that go? You trying to seduce me, I mean.” A beat. “Strictly for purposes of my research into Companion-folk and their lifeways, of course.”

Her shoulders shook a little, and there was that look of surprised joy, and he was beaming inside that he could make her feel so carefree. “Our lifeways, hmm?” Shook her head. “Well, if it’s for your research, how could I refuse?” And then, in her best teacherly voice, like she was about to explain about the facts of life: “You see, a client –”

“Me, you mean. Strictly research, but I think I might take to understandin’ you a bit better if I could –” He mock-shrugged and made a vague gesture with his hand. “You know, really put myself into the situation.”

She cleared her throat, that smile still threatening to break loose. “If I were trying to seduce you,” (emphasizing the word) “Mal, you would never know you were being seduced. Companions are taught that their clients should always feel themselves to be in complete control of the situation.”

He fixed her with a puzzled look, exaggerated for effect. “And so – mind you, I’m takin’ notes here, so be specific – how might a woman of your considerable talent accomplish somethin’ like that?”

She turned her eyes skyward for a second, like she were thinking on what to say, lips still quirked in that trying-not-to-laugh smile. “Well, I would put myself on display, but subtly. The attraction you would feel should seem like the most natural thing in the world.”

Nodded his head. “Oh, I think it’s safe to assume it would come natural.”

Her brown eyes were sparkling. “And once I felt certain you were attracted to me, I would wait for your advance.”

“I think there’s a flaw in this plan of yours. How abouts I were the nervous type?”

Shook her head at that. “Oh, but you wouldn’t be nervous. In fact, I should seem slightly bashful myself, as if it were I who were nervous, and you the one making me.” And then her smile was dropping a bit, her voice getting a little softer, a little lower. He thought he might have caught her hand moving just slightly toward him along the seat of the couch. (Could be though he was imagining it.) Lashes fell to her cheeks once, slow. “So, you see, you would never feel as though an advance would be unwelcome.”

His careless smile had long fallen away. He swallowed. “Sounds as though that’d make a man feel right special. Like he was someone you cared about.”

Her eyes, on his. “A Companion’s goal is to make every client feel as though he’s special to her.”

His eyelids felt heavy. “Then how would a body know if he were special to you, true? Would it be different?”

Silence. Her lips were parted just so much; bottom one quivered just slightly. Her eyelids were half-lidded, her chest rising and falling with the sound of her breath. Expression on her face was one of uncertainty, confusion, and maybe – just maybe – a bit of something else. He reckoned he looked just about the same. Just a whisper: “I don’t know.”

Longer pause than there should’ve been, and his answering question was strangled. “Don’t know?” A beat. Another. “I suppose....” His voice rough, words coming slow: “I suppose he’d known by what you said when he asked you to stay.”

Tongue came out, wet her lips, and then she drew her hands back into her lap, quick, and looked down at them. In a whisper he could just barely hear: “Now you know all my secrets.” Smiled a bit nervous, like, and went to stand. “I – I should go. Let you finish preparing for tomorrow. I’ll –” She smoothed down her skirts. “I’ll look forward to hearing all about it.”

He wasn’t looking at her, except sidelong glances. From the time she stood, he’d had his eyes trained on his hands in his lap. As she turned to leave, though, he glanced some at her. Swallowed. Her name came out before he could stop it, just a gasp: “‘Nara –”

She spun around toward him, answered too quick. “Yes?”

Another bit of quiet before he looked back down. “Goodnight.”

A quick nod, and she rushed out, pushing past little Miss Kaylee in the door, whose mouth was wide in wonderment. Didn’t ask her how much she saw. Didn’t reckon he much wanted to know.

***

“Cap?” He’d woken some time before on her red sofa. Best sleep he’d had since it’d all started. Dreams plagued him weren’t quite so fierce here, seemed like. Now, sitting up on that couch, elbows on his knees, head hung low, he listened to Kaylee’s voice through the closed hatch. “Cap’n?”

He didn’t respond.

***

Those moments – those when she laughed – they happened rare. Oftener than they laughed they fought, fought bitter. Next couple weeks she was quiet, distracted. Times he chanced to see her were rare. She didn’t eat with his crew; couple of jobs she took kept her away days at a time. Moments he tried speaking to her, she jolted a bit, like he was interrupting a worried thought; often as not snapped at him for his trouble.

So when she came to him – him sitting on that same damnable galley sofa – and told him she had to see some doctors, was required to by the Guild, and asked could they go to Ariel, Ariel, at the gorram center of the ‘Verse, he wasn’t inclined to be none too pleased.

He stood up and took a few steps toward her, till he was well in her space. Her quick step back just backed her into the table.

“Well. I guess maybe mài dòufu ain’t so different from other work, after all. Got to tune up your instruments every some-odd miles. Wouldn’t want gummed-up engine oil keepin’ your client from havin’ a pleasant time between your legs.”

Tried her best to hide her hurt, but the way she reached her hands back and braced them against the table, looking for support, gave her away. Her voice stayed steady and true though: “You give a lot of thought to places you’ll never go, Captain.”

He smirked. “Best I don’t. Wouldn’t like to think what I might catch.”

Didn’t see the slap coming, but sure as hell felt it – it threw his head clear over his shoulder. Shaking her head, her face looking about ready to break: “Nāozhǒng.” A beat. “Nǐ bú shì rén.” And then it wasn’t just his face stinging as she was pushing him away from her, trying to get out from between him and the table, near tripping in her haste to get out the door.

Kaylee was there that time, too, looking for all the world like she wanted to cry. Walked past her and out of the room without a word.

***

“Cap?”

She opened the hatch herself, then. Saw him just sitting, he reckoned, and came over to sit beside him.

With a kiss on his cheek, she whispered soft: “I love my captain.”

They sat like that for a long while.

***

He went straight to the bridge, knowing he’d find his pilot there. Interrupted the man playing with his dinosaurs but wasn’t in the mood to make a joke. Told him they were going to Ariel, or at least close enough so her shuttle could make the rest of the trip.

And then he was standing outside the shuttle, one hand braced against the wall, forehead leaned down into it, other hand perched on his hip, steeling himself to knock. His cheek still smarted where she’d hit him.

Steeled himself to knock, but didn’t have to. She opened the hatch while he was still just standing there. He started and stood up straight. “I was – uh –” A beat. “Hi.”

She nodded, arms crossed tight over her breasts, hugging herself, like. “Hello.”

Gestured with his head toward the front of the boat. “Just – just wanted to let you know Wash is set to take us on to Ariel whenever about would be good and convenient for you.”

Her chin dropped toward her chest, eyes shifting downward. “Thank you. I’ll call ahead and arrange my visit.”

He pushed his hands deep into his pockets and rocked back and forth on his feet. Wanted to do something to prove to her she was wrong (“coward,” she’d said), that there was something to him, in him (“you’re not human”). Pulled one hand back out and pushed it through his hair. “Listen. I told Wash we could just get close in, but I don’t know a soul who likes spending a day with doctors and the like. If you’d like some company for the waitin’ –”

“No!” He could tell the minute she said it she wished she could take it back. Seemed like she was surprised at herself, backpedaled none too easy: “I mean – it’s a very kind offer, very generous. I’d love – what I mean is I’d appreciate – but it’s official Guild business, and I’m – I’m required to go alone.”

He didn’t believe it for one fat second but didn’t much blame her for not craving his rotten company. She was right. He was a weak person, less than a person. He felt his jaw clench a bit as he nodded slowly; didn’t look up at her, for not wanting to see the worry and regret that so often tinged her expressions. “Well, we can be near ‘nough to drop you by day after tomorrow. When you know what you need, you let Wash know.”

Turned away from her, then, still without looking at her, and walked back to the bridge.

***

A long time of quiet, and they sat there peaceably. He envied the hours he conjured she’d spent in this room, how familiar it must’ve seemed to her. Finally, she shifted a touch beside him. “Why’d you two fight so much, Cap’n?” A beat. “I mean, if you don’t mind my askin’, an’ all... and not meanin’ to imply your fightin’ was anything above, you know, the normal ‘mount of fightin’ a person does....”

He swung his chin around toward her – first movement he’d made since she came in – but he was looking past her. He thought for a good long moment. “I imagine it was because fighting....” He took a breath. “Fighting reminds a soul he’s alive. Maybe more than even loving does.”

***

She was gone two days. Didn’t announce her return to him, and he took his time running into her. First he saw of her when she got back was on the catwalks over the cargo hold morning after her return. Air felt heavy. Tried his best to seem nonchalant. “Wash said you were back.”

She gave a kind of half-smile, murmured her assent. “Hmm. And I imagine we’re well on our way to our next port of call by now.”

A bit of quiet, none too comfortable, both of them shifting around a touch too much. “So you all cleared for business, then?”

She took a deep breath. “You could say that.”

He nodded his head, slow, and pushed a hand through his hair. “Must’ve been some real thorough tests.”

That half-smile again, around pursed lips. “No stone left unturned.”

He took a breath, reaching for small talk. “Uh – you get to anything else while you were there?”

Her eyes widened, just for a second, and she answered a hair too fast. “No – why?”

He shrugged, shook his head. “Uh – no reason – just figured they’ve got things there might be to the liking of folks like – might be to your liking.” A beat. “Opera... and such.”

She dropped her eyes. “Oh.”

He looked at her for a spell, in the heavy-feeling air, waiting for her to say something else, something real, something truthsome. She didn’t.

Next year that passed he made no fuss on it. At her mention of Ariel, he just nodded, and there they were. Didn’t pay no heed to Wash’s sly joking or Kaylee’s friendly concern. And then the young doctor’s plan had distracted him enough so as he near-about forgot about it all. Asked her, subtle, how her thing’d been when she got back. Her answer said she still wasn’t keen on talking about what it was all about, and he wasn’t a man to dance in the same fire twice. (Most times.)

Year after that, she missed it. Miranda broadcast had just gone out; couldn’t right show their faces in the Core. She promised him, swore to him, it was all right, no trouble for her. She’d appealed for a bye. Guild allowed for such things under extreme conditions, she said.

It was after that she started getting sick.

***

end chapter 3

Comments on the old may encourage me to write something new!