HOPE SERIES: 7. "Slugs and Snails"
Sunday, September 6, 2009

"Sometimes things just don't go according to the gorram plan".


TITLE: "SLUGS AND SNAILS" AUTHOR: Alison M. DOBELL FANDOM: "FIREFLY" PAIRING: Simon/Kaylee. RATING: PG-13. STATUS: Sequel to "TYING THE KNOT". ARCHIVE: Yes. Just let me know where. FEEDBACK: Welcomed. EMAIL: WEBSITE: None. All Firefly stories archived at

SUMMARY: "Sometimes things just don't go according to the gorram plan." The usual disclaimers apply. The characters and 'Firefly' are the property and gift of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. No infringement of copyright is intended.


"Firefly" story

Written by Alison M. DOBELL

* * * * *

Jayne Cobb shook his head as he got up from his weight bench. Zoe gave him an amused look as the big man scowled. "You sure the Cap'n didn't hit his gorram head?"

"Simon proposed an' Kaylee said yes."

"Like she'd ever say no." The big man grumbled. "Still don't explain why they gotta do it on Serenity."

Zoe shook her head and chuckled. Jayne stared at her then felt his own lips twitch. Doc might never be his favourite person but he'd do just about anything to see little Kaylee happy and if the man could do that then it was good enough for him.

"Jayne, haven't you noticed how big Kaylee is gettin'?"

He frowned. "So?"

"River says it's twins."

He stared, really stared, then laughed. "Ya mean she'll pop before she gets to her home planet for the weddin'?"

"Yes, Jayne. An' Simon is adamant he'll make an honest woman of her before she gives birth."

Jayne finished wiping himself down with the towel and straightened up. "Yeah, well I ain't dressin' up in no monkey suit even for Kaylee."

"As long as you're there, Jayne, Kaylee'll be happy."

* * * * *

Inara was glad, amused and somewhat impressed that the crew worked so hard to spruce up the Firefly for Kaylee and Simon's big day. It had not surprised her that as soon as Simon proposed Kaylee had stopped practising safe sex. While she understood Simon's mild dispair that Kaylee couldn't wait until after the wedding Inara also understood that Kaylee's biological clock had been ticking for some time. Work for once had been plentiful and Simon had been so busy having the most enthusiastic sex of his life that it was three months before anyone realised that Kaylee was pregnant. Kaylee wanted to be married at home if possible but if not then she wanted the Captain to marry them on Serenity. That had produced a few minor heart attacks on its' own but the Captain quickly accepted the moment he saw Kaylee's lower lip quiver and all was shiny in the 'verse once more.

Little Hope had been a revelation, bossing everyone around as if she were the official wedding planner. Kaylee had of course loved it and Simon wanted whatever Kaylee wanted. She was now so big that it was accepted that Kaylee and Simon would get married on Serenity. River said they had to hurry so everyone pitched in to get the ship gussied up for the big day, the only worry being whether Kaylee would give birth before the Captain could get them through the marriage ceremony. Oddly enough, now that she knew they wouldn't make it home in time, Kaylee wouldn't let them rush a thing.

"Wanna enjoy ev'ry minute of it." She puffed.

"Kaylee, what if the babies come early?" Inara had said.

"Won't. River said."

"You can hardly walk, *mei mei*."

"Then Simon'll carry me."

That had stolen the words right out of Inara's mouth. Maybe Jayne was strong enough to lift the heavily pregnant woman without dropping her but Simon? "Let's not put it to the test, *dong ma*?"

Now here they all were in the newly swept and decorated cargo bay. The Captain had wanted to use the commons room but Kaylee had been insistent and he couldn't refuse her anything, not on her wedding day. River, Inara and Zoe had used some rich furnishings from Shuttle One along with flowers River had made out of paper carefully coloured and put together to make decorations. The Captain had surprised everyone but River by standing ready in his best suit with an honest-to-goodness bible in hand. Inara realised it was Book's and felt a surge of emotion sweep through her. The Captain cleared his throat. Little Hope raised her angelic face to look at the Captain, completely caught up in the pantomime of faith that would bind two of their dearest friends together.

They didn't have any wedding music to speak of so as Jayne and Zoe helped Kaylee waddle down the *aisle* towards Simon and Mal the crew hummed what River called The Wedding March. Jayne didn't know why anyone would want to march to their wedding unless it was a shotgun one, of course, but he hummed along with the rest. Handing Kaylee off to Simon, Jayne and Zoe stepped aside. Little Hope stood happy and proud next to Kaylee and fairly brimmed with impatience held only loosely in check. She kept looking at the Captain expectantly but he ignored her, his eyes on Kaylee and Simon.

"Kaylee, seems you finally got your man." At her frown he coughed slightly and hurried on. "As your Cap'n it's my honour to bring you all together to witness the joinin' of our little Kaylee an' Simon in marriage. Ain't a thing to take lightly neither but I'm guessin' you both already know that."

The Captain didn't lead them in a prayer nor invoke the name of the Almighty to watch over them but mentioned how proud Book and Wash would be and how much each and every one of the crew loved them and wished the best for their union. He surprised a few of the crew by quoting some passages from the bible without seeming to have to read them word for word, using the bible more as a prop and a symbol than an aide memoire. "Now, Kaylee, do you wanna make your vows?"

Kaylee nodded and turned her head to look into Simon's eyes. "Been thinkin' a lot about what I would say if this day ever came Simon an' I gotta tell ya this is makin' me the happiest woman in the whole gorram 'verse." Kaylee flushed. "Um, sorry, Cap'n I didn't mean..."

The Captain waved his hand to tell her it was alright and to get on with it. The two exchanged their vows then Hope stepped forward with the rings. Jayne didn't know where they'd gotten them from but Zoe knew that Kaylee had the Captain's mother's ring and Simon had one that had been his grandfather's. The Captain blessed the rings and finally pronounced them man and wife. Simon was about to kiss his bride when Kaylee cried out, her legs giving way.

Jayne rushed forward to help Simon and Mal catch her. "*Shenme shi*?"

River looked unconcerned from her position kneeling beside her brother as he bent over his gasping wife. "Water's broke. They couldn't wait any longer."

Puzzled, Jayne looked around to see if anyone made sense of her words.


The mercenary's head snapped up and he looked at the Captain. "Yeah?"

"Help us get Kaylee to the infirmary, *mashang*."

Then he was too busy to think about it, helping the Captain heft Kaylee upright then carrying her as she cried out and moaned for them to hurry. Simon fussing and yelling out orders which River and Inara hurried to carry out. Something about needing lots of hot water and towels and such. Then they were there, Kaylee now on to the infirmary bed with Inara wiping down the mechanic's sweat soaked face and neck while Simon quickly scrubbed up. No sooner were his hands clean than Kaylee heaved, threw back her head and gave a great shout. River was so excited, crouching down trying to see who would come out first.

Afterwards, the Captain said it was the most traumatising and beautiful thing he had ever seen. No one told him he wasn't making sense because they all felt the same. The euphoria carrying them all along. When all the mayhem and racket died down a mite, Jayne turned his head to look at Inara. She seemed about the only one acting normally right now. "So, is it a girl or boy?"

Inara smiled, about to say twin boys when River darted between them, a grin on her face so wide it was a wonder her head didn't split in two. "Slugs and snails and puppy dog tails!"

The big man frowned, not having the patience for more of River's obscure bouts of madness. "*Shenme*?"

"River means the twins are boys."

"Huh. Why couldn't she say that?"

The girl grinned in his face. "Just did. Sugar and Spice and all things Nice are girls. Slugs and snails and puppy dog's tails are boys."

"I ain't no slug or snail."

River cocked her head to one side. "Were when you were little." She straightened up, smiled then said "Still a bit slimey" before dancing out of arm's reach, her laughter ringing in his ears.

* * * * *

CHINESE GLOSSARY: (Mandarin - Pinyin)

*mei mei* = little sister *dong ma* = understand? *shenme shi* = what's the matter? *shenme* = what *mashang* = at once/on the double/immediately


Monday, September 7, 2009 2:53 AM


Lovely. I love Mal reciting from the Bible, and not really needing to read it, and that it was Book's Bible anyway. And River, of course, knowing everything. Thank you.

Monday, September 7, 2009 3:19 AM


Sweet bit of writing. I too loved Mal's pseudo preacher stint. You conveyed a lot of depth with his character by that description. Nicely done.

Monday, September 7, 2009 11:28 AM


Heh, cute. You have to figure, a wedding with Serenity's crew is invariably going to have some surprises.

Monday, September 7, 2009 3:45 PM


Loved Kaylee's response to Inara about Simon carryin' her. Book's bible was a very nice touch.

Thursday, September 17, 2009 3:40 AM


Was I the only one who thought it right somehow that Kaylee would be wearing Mal's mother's ring? Beautiful touch.


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