Tucker & Dale vs. The Mars Girlz (Swampbillies)

Cast of players:

Tucker Trenton- Alan Tudyk Dale Dobson-Tyler Labine Dr.Rita Scales- Christina Hendricks Renée Summers (alien actress1)- Kim Kardashian Peter Owen ( Writer/Director/Producer of Aliens aren’t Serene)- Ben Stiller Zoë Beckett (alien actress2)- Paris Hilton Claudia Jewel (alien actress3)- Allison Scarlatti (WH13) Percy Thibodeaux- Nick Nolte Marshal Tucker- Jupiter auto mechanic Gable Tucker- Marshal’s son Victor Reynolds- Nathan Fillion

ACT 2 ____________________________________________________________________________

Dale Dobson had just witnessed something incredible! The most incredible thing he’d ever seen! Creatures from outer space! He couldn’t wait to get back to shore and tell his friend Tucker, he had to call him at that very moment. He reached down into his pants pocket and pulled out his cell phone. He pushed speed dial and waited for his friend to pick up, he didn’t get an answer. These backwater cell communications sometimes didn’t work well out in the marshes of Louisiana. He would have to wait till he got back to shore.

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Tucker Trenton had awaken that morning in so much pain from the ant bites that plagued his body that he could hardly stand it. He also discovered that his friend Dale was gone. Well, the ant stings were something that couldn’t wait. Tucker and insect bites didn’t get along well. He, on more than one occasion had, had allergic reactions to bug stings. He decided to take his truck and make a trip to the nearby town of Jupiter. Maybe they had a clinic or a doctor’s office. Somewhere he could get relief from his hurts.

Heading north on the lonely dirt road that led away from their campsite Tucker decided to give his friend Dale a call to let him know what he was doing. He pulled his water soaked phone from his pocket and cursed himself for not thinking to dry it.

“ Dang I hope it still works!”

He pressed his friend’s number but at best received only a jumble of odd squeaks and static noises.

“ Well……..guess I’ll just have to wait till I get to a phone somewhere.” He said.

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Dale Dobson had reached the shoreline and found the campsite empty. Where had his friend gone? Just then the cell phone in his pocket began to vibrate. He answered, but there was no voice on the other side. He looked and could see that the call was from his friend Tucker, but there was only static on the other end of the connection.

In his fevered brain, Dale came up with the idea that maybe his friend had been abducted! Kidnapped by aliens! Had they found him there at the campsite asleep and had taken him prisoner?

“ My God! Space creatures have captured my very best friend and taken him away to conduct brain surgery ……….or maybe even some of those evil, dastardly sexual experiments he’d seen on tv !

Dale had no way of knowing if this were true. He hadn’t been feeling very well that morning and now, without a full night’s sleep, and haven partaken of a half container of moonshine, he was becoming a bit under the weather. His throat was becoming scratchy and his voice a little stressed. Also with all the excitement of finding a girl from outer space and his best friend missing……. his mind was going off in all kinds of directions.

“ Dobson, calm yourself down.” He said, “ You have no way of knowing if the Martians got Tucker. It may be that he’s just gone into town for some extra fishing bait or something, even though we have all the supplies we need. Still, sit yourself down take a few deep breaths and wait for a while.”

He remembered the Jodie Foster film, “Contact” . If the aliens had gotten his pal he at least hoped they were friendly.

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Zoë Beckett hadn’t been too thrilled about this acting job she’d agreed to so far. The only reason she’d signed on with Peter Owen was to get a chance to meet with Adam Sandler and Jack Black. Neither of whom had committed to the film as of yet.

“ Well, if they don’t arrive within the next couple of days I’m outtta here!” She thought. She’d been dropped off at film location #2 by the Key Grip guy Victor Reynolds, and asked by Peter to assist Renée with getting some of the alien props ready. She entered the spacecraft through an opening in the rear and, like Renée, she was very impressed with what the prop guys had been able to do. The saucer looked amazing! She approached one side of the spacecraft and went to a secret liquor cabinet of which the F/X people had built into a side panel just for fun. She pushed a button and a door swung open reviling a multitude of alcoholic beverages. Zoë opened her morning canister of coffee and chose to freshen it up with a bit of hard liquor. She returned the cap to the thermos and went outside to find Renée.

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Dale Dobson was becoming impatient. He had been waiting for what seemed like hours ( though it had only been fifty four minutes) for his friend to return, yet there was no sign or sound from Tucker. Maybe his original thought had been correct “Aliens had gotten Tucker”…… while he was out in the boat and had taken him back to alien HQ. They may be performing those sick sexual experiments on his buddy as he sat there waiting……..the bastards! Well, he’d give Tucker just a few more moments to make contact before he’d have to think of something to do.

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Zoë found her fellow actress friend bringing four un-inflated alien blow-up dolls back into the movie set flying saucer.

“ Good morning Renée.” She offered a greeting.

“ Oh, hi Zoë! Any news if Adam and Jack will be joining us in this endeavor?” Renée asked.

“No, no news yet. Still, if I find that they’ve backed out of the deal I’m as good as gone.” Zoë told her fellow actress. She’d made it no secret that she would abandon the film if the two Hollywood heavyweights were not involved.

“ Well, maybe they’re just making a late appearance. You know actors of their caliber rarely show up the first few days on a movie set like this.” Renée smiled, but she would bet money that Jack and Adam wouldn’t show up to do the film. Peter Owen didn’t have that kind of clout.

“ Maybe so. Hey, want some coffee?” Zoë offered Renée a drink from her canister.

“ Sure.”

Zoë poured from her thermos and Renée took a sip from her cup.

“ My gosh that’s some strong stuff!” She and Zoë both laughed.

“ Yeah, keeps the mosquitoes away! Or at least you don’t feel them biting as much!” The two women chucked as they drank their tainted coffee and began blowing up the remaining alien dolls.

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Dale Dobson had reached his limits. It had been over an hour since he’d returned back at camp and there was no communication with his friend Tucker at all. He began planning the idea of a rescue mission, but how was he to accomplish this?

The first thing to do was return to the flying saucer. That was probably HQ for the aliens, likely he would find his friend there. But what if he wasn‘t? Well…….there were others ways of dealing with creatures from outer space. Dale pulled his 22. Caliber pistol out from beneath his sleeping bag. He also retrieved a small pair of field binoculars Tucker kept for bird watching.

“ Time for them alien scum to find out that earthlings aren‘t defenseless critters.” He spoke with revenge in his tone.

Suddenly his cell phone began to buzz again.

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Tucker Trenton had driven his truck half the distance to the small backwater town of Jupiter when the engine of his 68 red ford with the white top gave out on him. He had turned east onto Gable road when the vehicle just went dead. Tucker cursed, got out and kick the tire.

“ Dang! Still got over a couple miles to go!”

He looked down the sandy, dirt road, then began walking the rest of the way to town. He was in unbelievable pain from the ant stings on his lower body and his legs were beginning to swell.

As luck would have it old Marshal Tucker, auto mechanic and proprietor of “Tucker’s Fuel Depoe” in Jupiter was making his daily moonshine run when he came across Trenton walking the road toward town. He recognized the hitch hiker. Tucker Trenton was a familiar face in Jupiter. Heck he was one of Marshal’s best customers when it came to moonshine sales. He pulled over to assist the ailing man.

“ Need a lift?”

Trenton was happy to see the old man. He climbed into the cab with the old Jupiter mechanic.

“ My truck broke down back there bout a hundred yards. Got stung by a herd of ants last night. I was just on my way into town to find a doc.” Trenton told the old man.

“ Well, can’t say we have much anyone you could call a doctor back in Jupiter.” Marshal said. “ But we got some new lady in town that’s a bit of a nurse or something. I’ll take you over to her.”

Marshal Tucker looked back at Trenton’s truck stranded in the middle of the road.

“….. and I’ll send Gable out with the tow truck to fetch your vehicle.”

Trenton sat back and tried to relax his legs.

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Rita Scales was a doctor hired by Peter Owen to provide medical assistance to the production cast and crew members on his movie set down in Jupiter, Louisiana. There wasn’t much of a treatment center in the bayou town so she’d set up shop at the local pharmacy as it were.

There hadn’t been much in the way of serious work related incidents, a few blisters, some finger splinters and insect bites, but pretty much the injuries of the work crews fabricating Jupiter 2 were minor in nature. At about 11 that particular morning the town’s auto mechanic had brought her a patient.

Tucker Trenton was an individual covered in ant bites from midriff to toe. Rita had him pull down his pants and sit on a small table in a little clinic that was attached to the pharmacy. He sat there in his boxer underwear……..there were huge red bumps up and down his ankles and thighs.

“ My gosh what have you gotten into?”

“ Well Miss……” Tucker looked at her.

“ Scales…..Rita Scales.” She informed him.

“ Miss Scales……doc, I had the misfortune of camping out on an ant mound last night. The critters didn’t take lightly to me flattening their home.”

“ I can see not! Well, I may have something that will help.” She opened the lid to a canister of white cream that she had contained within her medical bag. She began applying it to Tucker’s injuries.

“ IT”S COLD!” He said.

“ Yes, but it does feel better, doesn’t it?”

Tucker smiled, “ Yeah, it does!”

“This should help with the swelling an keep any infection down.” She smiled at the rugged looking hillbilly.

“ Dang, she sure is pertty!” Tucker thought, he then realized that he should make another attempt at contacting his friend Dale. He retrieved his cell phone and entered the number. This time it functioned a little better.

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Dale Dobson was in the middle of deciding what to do next when his cell phone began to buzz. He saw that it was Tucker and answered.

“Hello! Tucker, where are you?”

Tucker Trenton heard his buddy’s voice on the other side of the call. Geezz…..he sounded awful. The damp marsh air must not be agreeing with his buddy’s voice box. His voice sounded harsh and scratchy.

“ Dang Dale you sound terrible! I’m in Jupiter seeing about getting something for these ant bites. I’m on a table in Doctor Scales office. I woke up this morning with a lot pain. I’ll be back as quick as I can, see ya!” Tucker then ended the call.

“ Friend of yours?” Rita asked.

“ Yeah, Don’t know how much got through though. The reception out here is really weak,” He paused, “…..and my phone got a little damp last night.” He showed her his cell.

“Yes it did. “ She smiled.

Tucker had no idea what effect his call had, had on his friend. He had no way of knowing he’d just set into motion a string of events that would turn the Peter Owen’s film upside down.

All Dale could make out from their conversation was, Terrible….Table…..Scales, and in Pain.

“ Those rotten lizard bastards!” Dale spoke in his hoarse voice.

He’d seen the television show “V” several times.

Looks as if some of them Hollywood creators base their shows in reality. Hell, the whole west coast was probably teaming with aliens. It was likely the reason why them California peoples were so weird!

He looked down to see if his weapon was loaded, it was.

“ Time to get some country-boy payback!”

He headed towards his boat with his pistol, field glasses and a canteen full of fresh moonshine.

“Time to bag me an alien.” He said, and headed his canoe towards Widow’s Cove.

End Act 2