“Mal.”

“What?”

“It’s snowing.”

“So?”

“Just saying it’s snowing.”

“Yes, Jayne. I know.”

“A lot.”

“Ignore it.”

“Can’t.”

“Why not?”

“’Cause I’m starting to look like a snowman.”

“You got a carrot for a nose?”

“It’s red enough.”

“When it falls off, let me know.”

-

Five minutes later ...

“Mal.”

“What?”

“I'm hungry.”

“So?”

“So when I get hungry, I get cranky.”

“Get cranky?”

-

Ten minutes later ...

“Mal.”

“What?”

“They got a night watchman.”

“So?”

“I ain’t shooting him.”

“I didn't ask you to.”

“’Cause River told me I wasn’t to shoot anyone on account of it being Christmas.”

“You don’t have to. I've got a plan.”

“So someone’s gonna shoot you?”

“Jayne ...”

“Just saying.”

-

Fifteen minutes later ...

“Mal.”

“What?”

“You know what they say about brass monkeys?”

“Jayne ...”

“What, Mal?”

“It’s time.”

---

“... and in local news, a Christmas tree storage facility was broken into earlier tonight. Local enforcement officers state that the two miscreants waited until the factory was closed for the holidays before accessing the security system and breaking into the safe where a large amount of currency was removed. Night watchman Rory O’Higgins apparently told Alliance federals that the two thieves were disguised as snowmen, and he couldn’t possibly identify either of them. Mr O’Higgins was not available for comment to this reporter as he appears to have retired immediately after the theft and has since moved permanently to the pleasure moon of Sahrain.

“Blue Sun, the owner of the storage facility, stated that as well as the money, a large tree was stolen, along with several ropes of flashing lights. Two mince pies and a glass of sherry also disappeared at the same time. Official disclaimer – other festivals are also available at this time of year, and the News Hour, sponsored by Wheaty Pops (the breakfast cereal for people on the go), holds no responsibility for any loss, damage, injury or death incurred while enjoying any or all of the above.

“On a lighter note, a number of eye witnesses have claimed to see Santa’s shuttle flying over the docks, bedecked in flashing coloured lights. Several of these bystanders said that they saw the big man himself, complete with beard, hanging out of the door and shouting ‘Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight’. We can only hope that they take more water with it next year ...”